August 7, 1998
Jokes posted up to April 22, 1997
Jokes posted up to May 7, 1997
Jokes posted up to May 31, 1997
Jokes posted up to June 29, 1997
Jokes posted up to August 17, 1997
Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, "You think you have family problems ? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son. This boy was my halfbrother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my halfbrother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather and you think you have family problems!"
1.Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you have a question, and mumble your question incoherantly while brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.
2.Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because you're scouting the room for "assassins."
3.If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class.
4.Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop writing down all these lies!"
5.Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.
6.Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic. Don't return for the rest of class.
7.Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.
8.Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home.
9.Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.
10.Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand sitting in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.
11.Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...."
12.Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects, explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.
13.When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it, give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.
14.Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol, scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty scary, huh?"
15.Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going to arrive.
16.Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class. Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or "Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the paintings to your professor as gifts.
17.Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!" Apologize, and explain that you got confused.
18.Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit.
19.Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15 minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and throw it through the window.
20.Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is "very inspiring."
21.Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.
22.When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.
23.Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested, and write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the entire class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.
24.Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and "You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."
25.Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down.
The difference between heaven and hell:
In heaven, the organizers are British...
the Chefs are French...
the lovers are Italian...
the police are Irish...
and the mechanics are German.
In hell, the organizers are Italian...
the Chefs are British...
the lovers are Irish...
the police are German...
and the mechanics are French
This is a chain letter. Let there be no mistake about that.
A faded copy dated 6 March 1834 was found stuck inside an old family Bible in a Boston sea chest, so you know it's been around for awhile.
It is now your task to mail copies of this letter to 33 people to keep the chain intact. Send no money, no prayers, no discount coupons. Ben Franklin originated the chain letter concept in order to finance a fledgling postal service; now this letter is responsible for a good 36% of the Postal Service's volume. Your efforts will help to employ thousands of grateful Civil Service workers.
How will you benefit? In 1987 Wilma Ditty of Detroit received a tax refund of $125. Only two years previously she had continued the chain by sending out 33 copies. During that two- year period, Wilma also gave birth to two children, became engaged and moved from a two-room apartment into a more spacious five-room flat.
Another success story? John H. of London, England mailed off his 33 copies on October 17, 1965. On his way home from the post drop, he was almost hit by a bicycling teenager! It was not luck which saved him from injury, but the power of the letter!
Yes, bad things can happen to you if you do not continue the chain. EVERYONE BORN IN 1887 WHO DID NOT CONTINUE THE CHAIN IS NOW DEAD.
In 1952, Deandra Simms did not continue the chain. Sure enough, a week later, she developed a headache which lasted five hours. And nine years later her son broke his leg while skiing!
So mail 33 copies of this letter to friends, relatives and especially to politicians. And mail them within two weeks of the day you receive this copy or else!
A guy gets a bill from a laywer for $50.00. It is itemized as follows:
For stopping to speak to you and finding out it wasn't you!
I rang up a pizza delivery store, they said if we dont deliver in 30 minutes you get it for free, so i hung up and didn't tell them my address
Scene: It'a a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out of walk.
Fox: "What are you working on?"
Rabbit:"My thesis."
Fox:"Hmm. What is it about?"
Rabbit:"Oh, I'm writing about how rabbit eat foxes."
(incredulous pause)
Fox:"That's ridiculous! Any fool know that rabbits don't eat foxes!"
Rabbit:"Come with me and I'll show you!"
They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.
Wolf:" What's that you are writing?"
Rabbit:" I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats wolves."
(loud guffaws)
Wolf:" you don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
Rabbit:" No problem. Do you want to see why?"
The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.
Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?"
Rabbit:" I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats bears."
Bear: "Well that's absurd!"
Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you"
As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion.
Moral:
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS
WHAT MATTERS IS WHO YOU HAVE FOR A THESIS ADVISOR.
Scene: It'a a fine sunny day in the forest, and a lion is sitting outside his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.
Fox: "Do you know the time, because my watch is broken"
Lion:"Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you"
Fox:"Hmm. But it's a very complicated mechanism, and your great claws
will only destroy it even more"
Lion:"Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed"
(incredulous pause)
Fox:"That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws
cannot fix complicated watches"
Lion:"Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed".
The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.
Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.
Wolf: "Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken"
Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you"
(loud guffaws)
Wolf: "You don't expect me to believe such rubbish, do you?. There is no
way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV"
Lion:" No problem. Do you want to try it?"
The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.
Scene: Inside the lion's cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself.
Moral:
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY AN ADVISOR IS FAMOUS
LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS STUDENTS.
Three fathers are sitting in the principal's office at the local High School--all three's son's had gotten caught cheating on a math exam.
first father- "I'm so dissappointed in my son, the teacher caught him with a calculator"
second father "That's nothing, my son had half the damn math book writtin on his hand"
third father "Consider yourselves lucky-- at least they know how to cheat-- they caught my son using a pair of dice!"
Once there was a couple who argued one day and stoppedtalking to each other One day the husband had to get up eartly at 5 o'clock and go out for some important business stuffs.
Since he stoped talking to his wife, he wrote a note on a piece of paper, "wake me up at 5 tomorrow morning", and put it under his wife's pillow.
When he woke up, he found out it was 8 o'clock. Angrily he shouted at his wife why didn't she wake him up.
"I tried to wake you up, but you did not.", she replied. "didn't you see what was under your pillow."
He went to his bedroom and to his horror he found a note saying, "Honey, it's 5 o'clock wake up."
...you know, many important theological questions are answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer:
Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.
Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions.
Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.
Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.
Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase.
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is a MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.
Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.
Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.
Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching those tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.
Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.
Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.
Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.
Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.
Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.
Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email.
