Trying to think of something to say in your personal ad? Try on one of these...


A favorite pastime of mine, as my friends will all tell you, is finding funny personal ads in the paper and then giving them to various people. Here are some personal ads that I have found myself and then some others that were so pathetic they managed to make it into a book.

Here's the newest ones I have found..I like it alot, tell me what you think...

Me, Shaman feather dealer. You, llama lover and acrobat. I need fire fun and a partner fire for fire other burn in hell activities. You FIRE must enjoy FIRE chick peas, gargoyles, and watch them die gravy. Must be gorgeous flames experimental fire w/ sexual fire activities. i like fire. No police or firemen. either sex applicable.

Narcissist seeking one w/ low self esteem. must be submissive and enjoy flattering sessions for me, and bashing sessions for you, must be well read in the arts of the kama sutra and knife throwing. no depressive weirdos allowed. Must be sad.

Laundromat owner hoping to find fellow laundry lover and laundry expert who never loses socks. AMATEURS DO NOT APPLY! Must enjoy wild sex on driers and machines during closed hours and drinking heavily.

Okay, okay so I haven't managed to put any of the ones I give out to people up yet but that's because I give them away too fast before I can type them up. But here's some of the highlights of the ones I have given: ruby-red nipples, six million people out there and not a one for me..I'm not handsome and I won't take you to paris, but I do have a great package, You want me to own you, Got Herpes?, whips, chains, electrical stimulation, etc, etc..there realy are alot of wackos out there....


Here are some I have found:

These are the ones that were Excerpted from the book "A Collection of Personal Ads From Alternative Newspapers," by Skippy Williams and Zohre Crumpton, 1996, Simon and Schuster::
*****

Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness looking for 24 year old needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse with dull stories, tired sex and Herb Alpert albums.

*****

Me--trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading with you to give me a cigarette; you--choking on my odor, tripping over your purse trying to get away; at the last moment, our eyes meeting. Yours were blue. Can I have a dollar?

*****

Imp and angel. Disembodied head in jar, 24, seeks pixie goddess to fiddle with while Rome burns. You bring marshmallows. No. I make joke. You like laugh? I like comebacks and confessions. Send photo of someone else.

*****

I am spitting kitty. Ftt Fttttttt. I am angry bear. Grrrrr. I am large watermelon seed stuck in your nose. Zermmmmmmmmmm. I am small biting spider in your underwear. Yub yub yub. No mimes.

*****

Three toed mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian infielder. Like screaming and marking territory with urine? Let's make banana enchiladas together in my bathtub. You bring the salsa.

*****

Mongoloid spastic underwear model with extra limb (you guess where?) in search of bottlenosed dolphin and extra prickly cactus juice. Soup is good food.

*****

I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five shoes.

*****

Timber! Falling downward is the lumber of my love. You grind your axe of passion into my endangered headlands. Don't make me into a bureau. I want to be lots and lots of toothpicks.

*****

Small lumpy squid monkey seeks healthy woman with no identifying scars, any age. Must have all limbs. Recommend appreciation of high-pitched, screeching noises. Must like being bored and lonely. Must not touch the squids, EVER.

*****

There is a little place in the jumbled sock drawer of my heart where you match up all the pairs, throw out the ones with holes in them, and buy me some of those neat dressy ones with the weird black and red geometrical designs on them.

*****

Mmmm Pez!

*****

Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in satin tights, fighting for our rights and the old red, white 'n blue. You look like Linda Carter? Big plus. Know all words to theme song? Marry me.

*****

Sanctimonious mordacious raconteur seeking same for hijinks and hiballs. SJM 27 wants to look someone in the eye so don't be tall. Or, if you can't help it, enjoy laying down. Wanna swim upstream?

*****

Remember that summer you spent with your parents in Hawaii and how mad you were that they made you go? And how you were hopelessly bored until you saw the most gorgeous man you'd ever encountered strolling down the beach looking at you, skillfully removing your skimpy bikini with his piercing eyes? And how you spent the last month imagining him taking you in every possible way, masturbating feverishly day and night, wishing he would reappear, but he never did because you were 15 and he would have gone to jail? That was me, and you just turned 18.

*****

Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus flipper boy with a passion for covering lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy, either sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting. No freaks.

*****

Excerpted from the book "A Collection of Personal Ads From Alternative Newspapers," by Skippy Williams and Zohre Crumpton, 1996, Simon and Schuster:

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