Here's a little list of "Doc-isms" -- What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

Says: "This should be taken care of right away."
Means: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

Says: "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
Means: He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

Says: "Let me check your medical history."
Means: I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

Says: "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
Means: I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
OR I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

Says: "We have some good news and some bad news."
Means: The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

Says: "Let's see how it develops."
Means: Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

Says: "Let me schedule you for some tests."
Means: I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

Says: "I'd like to have my associate look at you."
Means: He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

Says: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Means: I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

Says: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Means: I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

Says: "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
Means: I think I'm going to throw up.

Says: "This may smart a little."
Means Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

Says: "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
Means: I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

Says: "This should fix you up."
Means: The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

Says: "Everything seems to be normal."
Means: Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

Says: "I'd like to run some more tests."
Means: I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

Says: "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
Means: You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me...

Says: "There is a lot of that going around."
Means: My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

Says: "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
Means: I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

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