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Paul
Gabby Brewski
Teddy Brewski
The Reverend Dr. Wheeler
Cop #1
Cop #2
Marbles Brewski
Bud Brewski
Elaine Wheeler #1
Elaine Wheeler #2
Curtis Appleby
James Brewski
Dr. Spock
Elaine Wheeler #3
Officer Latour
Lieutenant Walker
Mr. Ditherfork
PAUL: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please. The following sketch may contain material unsuitable for children. It is intended to be perverted, lewd, twisted, and sick. Parental discretion is advised.
ACT I (After tea time)
GABBY: It's really wonderful, Dr. Wheeler. In only two short years, you've taken on the spirit of Hillcrest. You see, living here next to the church all our lives, we've seen so many ministers come and go, and go and come. And always too soon. Are the biscuits any good, Teddy?
TEDDY: (dropping one on floor) Bully, Aunt Gabby. I've never seen one shatter quite like that. And now, I'll go down to the cellar and dig locks until Act II.
GABBY: Another biscuit for you, Dr. Wheeler?
WHEELER: I'm afraid not. I'll have no teeth left for dinner now.
GABBY: We'll send you over our spares...
WHEELER: No, you keep them here, so I can be sure of using them next time I ... enjoy your biscuits.
GABBY: Well, I do hope they don't make us use that imitation artificial flour again. And it may not be very charitable of me, but I've almost come to the conclusion that some of the members of the square dance club aren't Christians. Will you have some more tea, Dr. Wheeler?
WHEELER: No, thank you, I think five cups is about all you can get from one teabag. You know, I really love this house.
GABBY: Yes, it's one of the oldest houses in San Diego. It's exactly as it was when Grandfather Brewski built and furnished it. Except that we put in the central heating and air conditioning, and a few years ago we had to replace all the wood because of termite damage, and of course we re-did the kitchen, and then naturally we needed new carpets and I don't know how we ever got along without the hi-fi stereo, 36" screen color TV and 4-head VCR with wireless remotes, not to mention the Jacuzzi in the backyard. But it's too bad Grandfather died before he finished. The cellar is still a dump. Actually, now that I think about it, the only thing we haven't changed is the indoor plumbing, and we use it as little as possible. Bud uses a bucket, and if he's not complaining about how cold the water is, he gripes about how deep.
WHEELER: Yes, your nephew Bud is well hung. And I'm glad that Elaine's dating again. Her first husband was in a car accident, and then her second husband was shot. But you know what they say - third time's a charm.
GABBY: Well, we're so happy it's Elaine Bud takes to work with him.
WHEELER: While I believe your nephew Bud to be quite a worthy gentleman, I must also admit that I have watched the growing trepidation between him and my daughter with some intimacy. And for one reason, Miss Gabby...your nephew's unfortunate connection with General Dynamics.
GABBY: Is that what he's been telling everybody? Heaven forbid! No, Bud works as a dancer at Girls Nite Out.
COP #1: (knocking on door and entering,followed by Cop #2) We've come for the toys for the Christmas fund. And you'll be happy to know that while my wife still spends most of the day in bed, at least she's able to start gettin' money for it again.
GABBY: (hands him can of Campbell's soup) Well, here's some beef broth for you to take to her. Be sure it's good and hot. Well, I'll go do something in the kitchen, but really I'll just be offstage over there so you can talk about my family.
WHEELER: Damn shame - a nice family like this hatching a cuckoo. Poor Teddy.
COP #2: Say what? You mean Miss Gabby and her sister, Miss Marbles. And it seems to me their grandfather was a little weird, too. Tried out patent medicines on dead people.
COP #1: I heard he was a necrophiliac.
COP #2: Yeah, but the department never bothered him much because he always offered his services as volunteer coroner.
COP #1: Whatever he did, he left his daughters filthy rich.
WHEELER: (lifting tea bag) Not that they ever spend any of it on themselves.
MARBLES: (entering) Good aftemoon, Dr. Wheeler. Cop #1. Cop #2. Well, that's enough exposition for now. I just took some soup to a poor man who broke ever so many bones, although really I was just offstage waiting for my cue.
GABBY: Then I guess I can come in, too. We'll have Teddy sign the commitment papers, Dr. Wheeler. Thank you all for dropping by! (cops and Wheeler exit; Bud and Elaine #1 enter)
BUD: (looking at wrong aunt as he says name) Hello, Aunt Gabby. Hello, Aunt Marbles.
ELAINE #1: Why don't you two go do something in the kitchen so Bud can put the moves on me. (aunts exit)
BUD: For a minister's daughter, you know a lot about life. Where'd you learn it?
ELAINE #1: In the choir loft, behind the chapel altar, in the robing room, under the pulpit, in the Sunday School supply closet, over by the pipe organ...
BUD: OK, OK. With the reputation you must have, the only way I can regain my self-respect is to keep you out of church. Let's find a justice of the peace and get married tonight. Darling, you looked shocked!
ELAINE #1: I didn't want to have to tell you this, but I'm already married. And I just realized my ring fell out of my bra somewhere on this stage, so I can't think of my next line.
BUD: Don't worry, I'll just stand here and kiss you until one of us can think of something to say. (Moves toward her lecherously and sticks out his tongue)
ELAINE #1: Now I remember! I have to run home and tell Father he'd better wait up for me tonight! (Elaine #1 exits)
BUD: Aunt Gabby! Aunt Marbles! (aunts enter) Have you seen my suspenders and tie for work?
MARBLES: If you left them here, they must be around someplace. With the way you two were panting when you got in last night, well, I hope they didn't end up on the chandelier again with Elaine's underwear. You know we can't reach that high.
BUD: You two go back in the kitchen and I'll check the window seat. (opens window seat, sees body) Aunt Gabby! Aunt Marbles! There's a body in the window seat. How...? Why...?
GABBY: Oh, Bud, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he ate some potato salad from that delicatessen across the way there, what's his name? Sam Hoke?
MARBLES: And as for why, well, when you moved out, we thought we'd rent out your room. Right after we'd taken the security deposit, the gentleman died of a heart attack, wouldn't you know? Most amazing thing...
GABBY: And he sat dead in that green wing chair like this (Sits in chair and slumps as if dead) looking so peaceful. So we thought we'd bump off other men, too. But we knew we couldn't depend on fortuitous heart atacks, so...
MARBLES: You remember that lousy potato salad from when you were a boy? Well, I don't think Mr. Hoke's made a fresh batch since.
GABBY: Yes, in fact, one of our gentleman found time to say "How disgusting!"
MARBLES: We'll get dinner started in the kitchen, so you can run around the stage and make funny noises. (aunts exit; Bud runs around stage and makes funny noises)
PAUL: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please. Karen Robinson is unable to continue the performance. She is in the bathroom with diarrhea. The role of Elaine Wheeler will be played by Michele Labre. (Elaine #2 enters)
ELAINE #2: Don't be cross, darling. Father could see how terribly excited I was and it was hard to get away. By the way, do you have a cigarette?
BUD: Now you run along home. I have a lot on my mind. I need time to think. I'll call you up in a day or two. So, please, honey, just get out.
ELAINE #2: Well! When we're married IF we're married, I hope you're the man my father is! (exits)
BUD: Yeah? Well, your father could make a pedestrian sound married! (to telephone) Hello? Hello, Al? (doorbell)
GABBY: That's the doorbell, dear. (opens door to Curtis Appleby) How do you do?
APPLEBY: Name's Appleby. Curtis Appleby. Live next door. Couldn't help notice, but for a couple of old broads, you and your sister get a lot of gentleman callers.
GABBY: Oh?
APPLEBY: Yeah. Say, I saw a friend of mine ring the doorbell earlier. Adam Hoskins. Thought I'd pop in and see how the old bloke is doing.
GABBY: He's in the cellar. (Marbles enters)
MARBLES: You know, we're just getting ready for dinner. We're having a cookout. Why don't you join us?
APPLEBY: Gee, I'd like to. But I don't eat animal flesh, you know.
GABBY: Well, Marbles. If Mr. Appleby won't join us for a burger, I think at least we should offer him a bowl of potato salad. (Marbles leads him to kitchen)
BUD: (into phone) No, I'm not. But I'm going to start now! (heads toward potato salad)
GABBY: No, Bud. You've already broken all our wine glasses, and the front door frame. I will not clean potato salad out of the carpets.
BUD: Now, look. I'm going to work to let strange women put dollar bills in my underwear. But while I'm gone, don't let anyone in this house. (exits)
MARBLES: I'll go upstairs and get ready for services. Let's see...I'll wear my black leather and the fishnets with the seams and the spiked heels...and I guess I'll just keep ad-libbing until Paul (doorbell)
GABBY: I'll get it.
MARBLES: No! We promised not to let anyone in. It's two men. And there's a car at the curb. They must have come in that.
GABBY: I thought I recognized that smell. Well, we'll just have to pretend we're not at home. (James and Dr. Spock enter)
JAMES: Come in, Doctor. This is the home of my youth. As a girl, I couldn't wait to escape. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal.
SPOCK: Yah, Chim. I'm hungry. Look - potato salad.
MARBLES: Who are you? What are you doing here?
JAMES: It's your niece, Daphne. And this is Dr. Spock.
GABBY: Right. If he's a Vulcan, where are his pointy ears?
JAMES: Not Mr. Spock. Dr. Spock.
MARBLES: You're not our niece, Daphne. So don't pretend you are.
JAMES: Aunt Gabby, I see you're still trying in vain to straighten out your teeth. And you, Marbles, still the tinted hair from when you confused Grandfather's chemicals with the shampoo.
MARBLES: His chest is as flat as Daphne's...
GABBY: Have you been taking steroids?
JAMES: Dr. Spock did that to me. He's a surgeon. He changes people's faces. So you can call me James, now.
MARBLES: Well, Daphne - I mean James - it's been a long time. Where have you been?
JAMES: England, South Africa, Australia, the last five years San Francisco.
GABBY: We were in San Francisco. We found the traffic terrible.
SPOCK: Yah, we got rear-ended a few times, too.
MARBLES: I'll go check the grill. The coals should be hot now. (aunts exit)
SPOCK:Chim, I got to operate on you right away. And we got to find a place for Mr. and Mrs. Spenalzo. You shouldn't have killed them. Now we got a couple of hot stiffs on our hands.
JAMES: Sex, sex, sex. Is that all you ever think about?
SPOCK: Those aunts of yours, what sweet ladies. I want to love them already.
TEDDY: Is this still Act I? Oh, good, I didn't miss my cue. (Blows party favor) CHARGE!
ACT II (Later that night)
SPOCK: So when we take off the bandages, her face look so different, the nurse had to introduce me.
JAMES: That was your best work, Doctor. I still carry the picture with me. (Pulls out Playboy centerfold)
GABBY: This does look more the way you used to look, but still I wouldn't know you.
TEDDY: (entering) I'm off to Panama again. Who is this?
GABBY: It's your sister, Daphne. She's had her face changed. And then some.
JAMES: Doctor, inspect the new lock.
SPOCK: OK, we go to Panama. But don't try anything fresh. I hardly know you.
MARBLES: I'm sure when Dr. Spock gets back, you'll want to return to your hotel.
JAMES: We have no hotel. We came right here.
MARBLES: Yes, we saw the car. Anyway, there's a very nice little hotel just three blocks down the road. The roaches are only eight inches. (indicates about 4 inches apart with hands)
JAMES: We're staying here. Now go get our room ready while I move the house behind the car.
MARBLES: It's all right where it is until morning. (aunts exit; Spock enters)
SPOCK: Hey, Chim, guess what I find in the cellar? A hole Teddy dug - it just fits the Spenalzos. It's six feet wide and four feet long.
JAMES: Then I'll go around back and hand Tony and Laura through the window. You stay here and jack off in the window seat, like it says in the script.
SPOCK: No, I come with you. Together we scare the aunts at the window. Then I jack off in the window seat. (James and Spock exit; aunts enter)
MARBLES: Just think, Gabby. A double funeral. Mr. Hoskins and Mr. Appleby! But I will not invite James to the services. He's not the soprano she used to be.
GABBY: No. When they get back, let's see if we can get them to bed right away.
MARBLES: What? And skip the foreplay?
GABBY: Well, the Doctor did look glad to see us.
MARBLES: That was a flask, dear. He's an alcoholic.
GABBY: That may be, but he carries the flask in his jacket.
JAMES: (at window) We're bringing the luggage through here. Now run along, aunties.
GABBY: I'll turn out the lights. You go on up. Marbles will show you to your room.
MARBLES: (Holding unlit candle) Stay close to the candle. The stairs can be treacherous. (Everyone exits; two dead bodies in window seat get up, go through cellar door, then go around and climb through window and back into window seat as Spock enters. They open window seat, stand up and bow, then close themselves in again)
PAUL: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please. Karen Robinson is no longer in the bathroom but is still unable to continue the performance. She is at Mercy Hospital with conjunctivitis. Since Michele Labre is needed to manage the stage, the role of Elaine Wheeler will now be read by Deanna Wheaton. (Elaine #3 enters)
ELAINE #3: Miss Gabby? Miss Marbles? (James enters) Who are you?
JAMES: I'm James Brewski. (Very pregnant pause) I happen to live here.
ELAINE #3: And who is that?
JAMES: That's Dr. Spock. A surgeon of great distinction and something of a magician.
SPOCK: Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a magician!
ELAINE #3: Well, I'll just be running along home, if you'll kindly unlock the door. I won't say anything, I swear. I promise I'll keep my mouth shut. (James grabs her arm) Let go, you're hurting me. Hey, you guys, listen to me! I said let go! Teddy! Gabby! Marbles! Help! Help! (Spock takes Elaine #3 to the cellar, leaving James alone)
MARBLES: We heard Teddy miss his cue again. What's happening down there? We heard noises, but we were changing our costumes, and besides, we have to wait for Spock to get Elaine in the cellar.
GABBY: Yes, that's our cue. Now don't you step on my lines, James, until I at least get to the bottom of the stairs.
JAMES: OK, now go back to bed.
MARBLES: (Indicating with finger) Yes, come this way, Gabby.
GABBY: If I could come that way, I wouldn't need batteries. I do hope Paul remembers to ring the doorbell before we get all the way upstairs again. (doorbell rings; Bud enters)
ELAINE #3: Bud, I've almost been killed!
BUD: You've almost been - (again looking at wrong aunts) Gabby! Marbles!
MARBLES: No, it was James. He must have mis-took her for Teddy's S&M call girl.
BUD: Who did you say this was?
GABBY: It's your sister, James. Only she's had her sex changed. Dr. Spock did the operation.
JAMES: Have you forgotten the things I used to do to you when we were kids? Remember the time you were tied to the bedpost - the baby oil - the whipped cream -?
BUD: Yes, I remember. I've fantasized about it ever since. How could you go and do a thing like this? Well, it just won't be the same between us anymore. So, get out.
JAMES: But we've been invited to stay.
MARBLES: While you work out the sleeping arrangements, we'll go make a feast in the kitchen even though it's way past twelve. (aunts exit)
BUD: TWELVE! Elaine, you've got to go home. James, Spock, get out!
SPOCK: Yah, Chim. I go pack. Where are the bags?
BUD: They're in the kitchen making coffee and sandwiches. Now, go. (Officer Latour enters) No, wait.
LATOUR: Good evening, Mr. Brewski. I saw the lights on and thought there might be food poisoning in the house. But you got company. I'll be on my way.
BUD: No, stick around a while. My sis- brother was just on his way. Weren't you, James? (James and Spock exit to pack) What's your name, Officer?
LATOUR: Oh, I don't have a first name, Mr. Brewski. We bit parts never seem to get first names. So you can just call me "Officer Latour."
BUD: Gee, Latour - hmm. that sounds like one of the guys I work with.
LATOUR: Say, you're not Bud Brewski, the exotic dancer at Girls Nite Out. Well, I certainly am glad to meet you. This being on the police force is just temporary. I want to be a male dancer, too. But I gotta ring in now.
BUD: No, wait, I may be able to help you with some of your moves.
LATOUR: You would! Say, it was my fate walking in here tonight. Here's the way I see it. We get one of those dry ice fog machines and -
BUD: (James and Spock enter) Oh, just a minute. Look, Latour, you ring in on the way to Foggy's and I'll meet you there. (Latour exits) When I get back, I expect to find you gone. And whatever you do, don't go down in the cellar. I don't want you to see the other twelve graves down th- oh, shit! (Bud exits)
ACT III, scene 1 (even later that same night)
GABBY: I can't believe it. We go in the kitchen to make some coffee and sandwiches, and two more bodies show up. Foreigners, yet! You'd think this was a potter's field!
MARBLES: Well, this is already Act III. The sketch can't go on much longer. Where do you suppose Bud went?
GABBY: I don't know. But he can't do anything while he's out of this house, and that's all we want settled - what's going on down there. (Pause) WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN THERE.
MARBLES: (opens door and looks out, leaves door open and as she turns around and walks back into room, Bud follows her in) I don't see him anywhere.
BUD: I was getting Dr. Lake's signature on Teddy's commitment papers, but really, I was standing on the other side of the door daydreaming and I missed my cue.
GABBY: That does it. We're going for the police.
BUD: Because I missed my cue? No, you can't go for the police. They might find out about all the other bodies.
GABBY: Look, Bud, we know the police much better than you do. They don't pry into our private affairs, and we don't tell their wives who they're sleeping with, either.
BUD: But a judge and jury might not understand.
MARBLES: Oh, Judge Cullman would. We know him very well.
GABBY: I'm sure we could persuade him not to say anything. That reminds me, Marbles, have you picked up the latest batch of pictures from Dean's?
BUD: Look, you two just go to bed. I promise I'll take care of this. (Bud exits)
MARBLES: Well, that's a relief.
GABBY: Yes, if Bud's really going to do something at last, we can just go upstairs, take off our dresses, and sit around in our lingerie on that tiny platform in front of Bob and Jeff until the end of Act III. (aunts exit up stairs)
JAMES: (entering with Spock) This affair between my brother and me has got to end.
SPOCK: But, Chim, didn't it end when you got the sex change operation?
JAMES: I'll go down in the cellar so you can try unsuccessfully to get Bud out of the house. (James exits to cellar; Bud enters)
SPOCK: You go now, yah?
BUD: Get your hands off me. Do you know how much money I get in tips from women who dream of doing what you're doing for free?
SPOCK: All right. Stay. (James enters from cellar) Here, sit down. Being a dancer, you should know about women, what they like?
BUD: Do I? There's this one little groupie, shows up every night at the stage door, just begging to be tied up. And what do you think she wants to be tied up with?
SPOCK: Vat?
BUD: The curtain cord! Finally, a little novelty. Pantyhose and neckties can get so boring after a couple of years.
SPOCK: The curtain cord. Well, why not? A good idea. Very convenient.
BUD: So there's this little groupie, just waiting to be trussed up. (Bud holds wrists together; James drops cords around wrists and James and Spock tie Bud to chair)
JAMES: Bud, I've been away for years, but never once in all that time - my dear brother - were you out of my mind. In Melbourne one night, I dreamed of you. In San Francisco, I got a strange satisfaction. No, wait. Sorry. That had nothing to do with you. Now, Doctor. Bring on the soft pillows. Poke him with the soft pillows.
SPOCK: They don't seem to affect him.
JAMES: He must be made of stronger stuff. Get...the comfy chair!
SPOCK: The comfy chair?
TEDDY: The comfy chair?
BUD: (mumbling) Uh mmfy air?
LATOUR: I heard voices - hey! You stood me up! I waited at Foggy's until last call for you. Then I went over to Karen Robinson's for a couple hours. Luckily, her husband was in Vegas.
ACT III, scene 2 (the next morning)
LATOUR: So, what do you think?
BUD: Forget it. Travolta moves are passé. (Knock on door; Cop #2 and Cop #2 enter. Spock sneaks upstairs)
COP #1: Teddy blew that party favor again last night and now there's hell to pay.
COP #2: Hey, Latour, one of the neighbors saw some of your moves through the window last night. The whole vice squad is out looking for you. (Looks at James) Who is this?
BUD: That's my sister.
COP #1: With looks like that, she must have a great personality.
BUD: No, no. She had her sex changed. Now she's my brother.
JAMES: Thay, offither, how would you like to go down in the thellar and thee the twelve graves?
COP #2: Yuck! Get him away from me! (Cop #1 bops James on head)
COP #1: Tell you what. We'll take him down to the station and book him for soliciting. (Cop #1 and Cop #2 exit, taking James with them; Walker enters door and aunts enter down stairs)
WALKER: Awright, I said I was going to handle this. Now, where's that Teddy Brewski?
GABBY: Why, Lieutenant Walker, you needn't be such a grouch. Would you like some tea?
WALKER: No, thanks, ma'am. I've heard about your tea.
GABBY: I'll get a fresh bag.
WALKER: OK. You know, I moved to San Diego for some peace and quiet, but this crazy bitch in Manhattan still keeps calling me with her wacko hallucinations.
PAUL: Ladies and gentleman, since the sketch is nearly done, Karen Robinson will resume the role of Elaine Wheeler in time for the curtain call.
ELAINE #1: (entering with Mr. Ditherfork) Bud, this is Mr. Ditherfork, the superintendent of the Rilkie Clinic and sanitarium. He's come to meet Teddy.
MARBLES: I haven't seen Teddy since Act II. We're really very worried about him. Instead of thinking he's President, now he thinks he's a director.
DITHERFORK: Obviously a delusion. Don't worry. We'll have him thinking he's President again in no time. So I'll just sit over here until the end of the sketch.
ELAINE #1: Why, Lieutentant Walker, I didn't know you were in San Diego.
WALKER: Oh, my God, it's her!
ELAINE #1: I'm sure you know about all the dead bodies in this house.
WALKER: Get away from me!
MARBLES: But she's right. There are dead bodies in this house.
GABBY: There are, what? Fifteen or so?
MARBLES: I don't know. That last grave was three or four deep, at least.
GABBY: We'll go with fifteen, then. I'm not about to dig them all up for a recount.
WALKER: (to Ditherfork) Couldn't you take the ladies, too?
DITHERFORK: OK. I just happen to have two spare sets of commitment papers with me. You sign here, Bud, as next of kin. Oh, but we need a doctor's signature.
BUD: (notices Dr. Spock about to sneak out door) Oh, Dr. Spock. Could you come here a minute please? My aunts told me what a smooth operator Dr. Spock was last night. Just sign right here.
WALKER: (into telephone) Yeah, describe his accomplice. Yeah, about six feet, grey hair, wears lots of makeup, talks like Peter Lorre, and looks like Bryan Post. OK. (hangs up telephone, goes to Spock and shakes his hand) Thanks, Doc. You're really doing a service. (Spock exits; Walker follows)
MARBLES: Well, Bud, this sketch really is almost over, so there's one more thing we want to say. You're not really a Brewski.
GABBY: Your mother came to us as a cook and you were born about three months afterward. But she was such a sweet woman and she had the nicest personality -
BUD: She was a dog?
GABBY: That's right. Bud.
BUD: Elaine, did you hear? I'm a son of a bitch!
ELAINE #1: Well, Father's gone to Philadelphia, so Bud's coming over to my house.
BUD: Wait a minute, darling. (Bud gets curtain cords; Bud and Elaine #1 exit; telephone rings)
MARBLES: (into telephone) Hello? I'm sorry, Al, you just missed him. No, he can't come to the phone. He's tied up at the moment.
GABBY: I wish there was some way we could end this sketch. Oh, Mr. Ditherfork? Do you have any friends or family, or anyone that might notice if you suddenly died?
DITHERFORK: Why, no. No,I don't.
GABBY: Well, Marbles, I think we should offer Mr. Ditherfork a bowl of potato salad.
DITHIERFORK: Potato salad? Mmmm. We don't see much real food in the sanitarium cafeteria. I thought. I had had. My last taste. Of it.
MARBLES: Oh,no!
GABBY: Here. This spud's for you.
Home || On-Stage || A Shayna Maidel
Last updated July 6, 2006