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Eunice Lutnik
Cable Guy
GD VP
George Lutnik
Edith Riversides, Eunice's mother
Teddy Tabasco
ACT I Tuesday, February 12, 1991, About 8:30 AM
EUNICE: (Eunice is getting black nightie from suitcase. Buzzer rings and Eunice goes to intercom.) Hello?
CABLE GUY: Cable company!
EUNICE: Southwestern?
CABLE GUY: No. Cox.
EUNICE: Oh, good. My husband isn't home. Come on up. It's twenty-three flights, if you don't count the front stoop. The elevator's broken so you'll have to take the —
CABLE GUY: (enters) I'm here to hook up the cable.
EUNICE: My, that was fast.
CABLE GUY: I'm training for the Ironman Triathion. (Checking book) Mrs. George Lutnik? Cable deluxe package with the Home Shopping Network, MTV, and the Playboy channel?
EUNICE: Right. I'd offer you a scotch or a martini but we don't have anything yet.
CABLE GUY: That's alright. My boss gets really mad if I have so much as a beer. But I'll take some iced tea, if it's not too much trouble.
EUNICE: It's no trouble at all. Since I moved in, I've learned that any brown fluid in a liquor bottle is iced tea. (Buzzer rings and Eunice goes to intercom.) Hello? Frederick's of Hollywood?
GD VP: (offstage) No. Goodwill.
EUNICE: But I don't have anything for you to pick up.
GD VP: (offstage) No, I'm here to make a delivery!
CABLE GUY: I hope it's an electric heater. I can't grip my tool!
EUNICE: (GD VP enters.) My, that was fast. I mean, it's twenty-three flights, if you don't count the front stoop.
GD VP: Actually, I'm really a General Dynamics division staff member making a cameo appearance, so I didn't have to climb the stairs. I just waited off-stage until Michele pushed me out. I've got some clothes, a desk chair, and a lamp. Someone came in this morning and bought the mirror. (Eunice gives GD VP tip.) Hey, I can buy a coupla shares of GD stock with this! (GD VP leaves; every one applauds.)
CABLE GUY: It's too bad there's only eight performances. I hear if they do ten performances in ten days, they get a bonus equal to their base salary. Say, you're a call girl, right?
EUNICE: Six days. What gave me away?
CABLE GUY: I watch "Oprah" a lot. Well, my name is John Thomas. And if you ever need any service with Cox, do me a favor. Ask for John Thomas.
EUNICE: Funny. Every guy I meet is named John Thomas. I'd fit you in right now but I have a ten o'clock dentist appointment . . . at nine o'clock. Thank you any way. (Cable Guy exits. Buzzer rings and Eunice goes to intercom.) Mr. Munshin, is that you?
GEORGE: Who?
EUNICE: Oh, hi, George. I guess you see this luxurious penthouse apartment with the oak bannisters, brass wet bar, skylights, deluxe kitchen with built-in appliances, bathroom with jacuzzi and sauna, mirrored bedroom ceilings, and incredible view of Central Park without the furniture. George, are you all right?
GEORGE: (out of breath) I'm coming! I'm coming!
EUNICE: I just don't understand you, George. What have the stairs got that I haven't got?
GEORGE: (walks in) HOLY SHIT!
EUNICE: Oh, George, don't get upset. This was something I had to do, all by myself. I managed to work out a deal with the janitor, so we got this apartment for the same rent as that dump on 48th Street. But what are you doing here? I thought you'd be at work.
GEORGE: I was at work. I got fired. I'm no longer senior customer service representative. I yelled at some midget shoplifting in the women's wear department, and she got me fired. She wants to sue me, too. It looks like I'll be selling Amway full time now. But where am I going to have my sales meeting? There's no place to sit down. (goes into bathroom) There's only room for three in the bathtub. Maybe we should check into a hotel . . .
EUNICE: I spend my whole day checking into hotels. I'm staying here, in our apartment. (Buzzer rings and Eunice goes to intercom) Hello? Frederick's of Hollywood?
MOTHER: Surprise!
EUNICE: Oh, no! It's my mother! What is she doing here from Washington? Oh, George, if she asks about the rent, couldn't you lie a little for me? You don't have to tell her it's five hundred sixty-seven dollars and eighty-three cents.
GEORGE: OK, how much is it then?
EUNICE: Eight hundred?
GEORGE: WHAT?
EUNICE: Twelve hundred?
GEORGE: Eunice!
EUNICE: OK, OK. Sixteen hundred. She'll believe that, won't she?
GEORGE: Anyone would believe that. It's the five hundred sixty-seven dollars and eighty-three cents that's hard to swallow.
EUNICE: Are you kidding? Trust me, for five hundred sixty-seven dollars and eighty-three cents, it's easy to swallow! (Mother walks in.) Mom! What are you doing here?
MOTHER: Well, I had a luncheon at the Capitol, and since this is on my way home, I thought I'd stop in.
GEORGE: On your way home to Bethesda?
MOTHER: Well, yes, I took the blue line to National Airport, got the Trump shuttle, took the bus in from LaGuardia, transferred to the subway, hailed a cab by Central Park, and here I am! It's no extra trouble!
EUNICE: We were going to ask you over on Friday. I wanted to fix you up with our building janitor.
MOTHER: No, sorry. Can't make it Friday. I've got tickets to Phantom of the Opera. What about the Friday after that? (Everyone pulls out their DayPlanners.)
EUNICE: No, Gus and I are going to Boston for a week. What about the Friday after that?
GEORGE: What? And miss the Amway convention in Philly? Where are we now? March? How about March seventh?
EUNICE: No. The Mousetrap is in March. How about April fifth?
MOTHER: April fifth. Good. I'll be here April fifth. I'm not going to stay now. It'll be murder getting a cab at this hour. But if you were to run down and get some REAL liquor, I could be persuaded to stay.
GEORGE: So long as you don't tell Susan. (exits)
EUNICE: Mom, you've got to stop buying me wedding presents. I have more coffee pots, tablecloths, and broken candy dishes than I know what to do with.
MOTHER: Fine. If that's the way you feel about it. I'll just leave. No sense wasting money on an ungrateful brat like you. Tell George I said goodbye.
EUNICE: You can tell him yourself. He's only waiting outside the door for his cue.
MOTHER: Well, goodbye, dear. See you April fifth. (George enters) Goodbye, George.
GEORGE: I just had an interesting talk with the man in the liquor store. It seems we've got every centerfold from Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler from the last three years living right here in this building. We're the only married couple here! Oh, yes. I forgot. Teddy Tabasco, our illustrious janitor, is known as Captain Hooker.
EUNICE: What does that mean?
GEORGE: Well, it either means that he's a pirate or a pimp. Just what kind of deal did you make?
EUNICE: Now, George, you know we can't live on Amway alone. This is just temporary until you get out of law school. Now, get out of here so I can get some work done. (George exits into bedroom. Teddy knocks and immediately enters.)
TEDDY: I beg your pardon. I hope I'm not disturbing you, but I need to drill a few holes in your ceilings. To install the video cameras. You know you are unbearably pretty. I may have you on tape by seven o'clock. I need to put one right over the couch. Take this pencil and mark an X on the ceiling.
EUNICE: I can't quite reach. Can you give me a boost? (Teddy lifts Eunice as Paul enters from the bedroom.) Oh, hi, George. This is the janitor, Teddy Tabasco. He's here to, uh, pick up the trash.
GEORGE: I've called you cheap. I've called you sleazy. But I've never called you trash.
TEDDY: I will only be a few minutes, then I will be out of your way. (Teddy exits into bathroom.)
GEORGE: What's he doing in the shower. Eunice, there's a nut with a power drill in our shower.
EUNICE: That wasn't a power drill. He's just glad to see me.
ACT II, scene 1 Friday, April 5, 1991, About 7:30 PM
EUNICE: (Buzzer rings and Eunice goes to intercom.) George, is that you? Do you have a transsexual relative? Because he sent us a check . . . Anyway, you have a cheap Aunt Vern. Honey, how you doing? On second thought, don't say it. Oh, the janitor said to tell you he's tired of cleaning the stairwells.
GEORGE: (Enters with Mother) Do you have to carry on a whole personal conversation with me on the stairs? I ring the bell and everyone in the building opens their doors.
EUNICE: I know, but it takes you so long to get up.
GEORGE: Don't rub it in. Anyway, I met your mother on the eighteenth floor. Apparently, she started up sometime this morning.
EUNICE: Here, Mom, would you like a drink? A Phillips screwdriver?
MOTHER: No, thank you.
EUNICE: It's just vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia.
MOTHER: Oh, my stomach.
EUNICE: Look, I'm sorry about the drinks, Mom, but let's face it. I'm not extraordinarily talented in the kitchen. All I can make is spaghetti and things. (Doorbell rings) Oh, that must be the janitor now. Just a minute, George. Mom, your hair . . . how many times do I have to tell you to switch to Head and Shoulders?
GEORGE: Eunice? There's a pervert at the door . . .
EUNICE: OK, OK, you can let him in.
TEDDY: Good evening. How izz my acksent toonight?
EUNICE: George, would you do the honors?
GEORGE: Teddy, this is Eunice's mother, Edith Riversides. Mom, this is our building janitor, Teddy Tabasco.
TEDDY: I look zo forward to meeting you. Eunice tells me you taught her everyzing she knows. Oh, by ze way, I couldn't get zee wine. They were all out of MD 20/20. So instead, kudlickis.
MOTHER: Kudlickis?
EUNICE: Would you be a traitor if you told us what's in it?
TEDDY: Well, if caught, it's punishable by chocolate chip cookies and punch at intermission, but since I'm among friends, it's bits of cold tater tots and stale melon baked in an oat bran muffin, with marshmallow sauce drizzled on top.
MOTHER: Oh, my stomach.
EUNICE: Did you know Teddy belongs to an amateur filmmaking society?
TEDDY: Yes, there are a hundred and fifty of us. This includes Hugh Hefner, Roman Polanski, and William Kennedy Smith.
MOTHER: William Kennedy Smith, too? So what kind of films do you make?
TEDDY: Well, I like nature films. I make a lot of, uh, beaver documentaries.
GEORGE: Wow, nearly eight. We ought to go out to dinner.
MOTHER: Why? What happened to the stove?
EUNICE: It's just a set piece, Mom. It doesn't really work. George, you're the host. Suggest someplace.
GEORGE: How about Coney Island? We could get hot dogs.
MOTHER: Coney Island?
EUNICE: George, what kind of suggestion is that. I've had nothing but tube steak all day! Teddy, you must know someplace.
TEDDY: How about TGI Friday's?
GEORGE: Hey, that's a great idea! The one in La Jolla?
TEDDY: No. Mission Valley.
ACT II, scene 2 Later that night, oh, about two o'clock in the morning
EUNICE: Should I go on now? Should I wait for a light cue? (Eunice and Teddy enter.)
TEDDY: Wait, I'm supposed to do something. What was it? Oh, that's right, I'm supposed to shut the door. (George enters with Mother astride his hips. They collapse on sofa.)
MOTHER: I feel like I'm on top of Building 1. Only I had to climb up.
GEORGE: It's funny, but the pacing in this scene always drags . . .
MOTHER: I probably would have had a lot more fun, if we didn't have to wait two hours for a table.
GEORGE: I can't believe they took that group of fourteen ahead of us.
MOTHER: Well, you'll have to excuse me. It's late.
EUNICE: Where are you going?
MOTHER: Upstairs. I want to die in bed.
TEDDY: Mrs. Riversides, I'll drive you home.
MOTHER: Over the Brooklyn Bridge? Oh, no!!
TEDDY: It's OK. I'm a friend of William Kennedy Smith, not Ted Kennedy. If you don't hear from us in a week, we'll be at Black's Beach. (Mother and Teddy exit.)
GEORGE: (George goes into bedroom.) Boy, oh, boy.
EUNICE: What are you doing?
GEORGE: Segueing into the fight scene.
EUNICE: Just like that? By walking into the bedroom? You can't just segue into a fight scene by walking into the bedroom!
GEORGE: (Enters from bedroom) OK, fine. How's this for a lead-in? I can't believe you can be so casual about this. How could you set your mother up with that Hungarian Rob Lowe?
EUNICE: I want an annulment.
GEORGE: On what grounds.
EUNICE: Failure to consummate marriage.
GEORGE: You'll have to do better than that. Impotence will not stand up in court. How about adultery?
EUNICE: But I know you've never cheated on me.
GEORGE: I wasn't talking about me. If I have to, I'll subpoena your Rolodex.
EUNICE: You leave my clients out of this. (Eunice starts to cry.) This scene just didn't work out.
GEORGE: It sure as hell didn't.
EUNICE: You can't say we didn't try.
GEORGE: Almost two whole minutes.
EUNICE: It's better than two hours. Why don't we get it passed in the Supreme Court. Only professional comedians will be allowed to write cast skits. (lights go out) George, what happened to the lights? Did you turn them off?
GEORGE: No. We should just keep going. Someone probably flipped Paul the bird backstage.
EUNICE: Fine. Then I'm going to bed. And I'm going to have the cry of my life. I'm going to cry so loud and so long, I'm going to keep you up all night long! Good-bye, Paul. I mean, good night!
GEORGE: (In a snide manner) Really, Eunice? Really? Huh? Huh? Would you do that for me? Because I've never been able to stay up all night long before. (The television screen lights up) Oh, great! Just great, pal. Just what I wanted at two-thirty in the morning - the NBC test pattern! Well, I'll just vent all my frustrations by ripping the cable out of the wall!
ACT III Sunday, April 7, 1991, About 5:30 PM
CABLE GUY: (Cable guy enters.) I'm here to fix the cable.
EUNICE: It's awfully nice of you to come out like this, on a Sunday evening and all.
CABLE GUY: Let's see what's wrong. (Cable Guy goes over to cable and picks up loose end.) It looks pretty limp.
EUNICE: My husband killed it. (Eunice goes to him and leans over very suggestively) Would you like some spaghetti-Os? Or maybe some chocolate-frosted styrofoam?
CABLE GUY: No, thank you. We're not allowed to accept tits - I mean TIPS! Well, just one more little screw should do it. Yes, yes, YES. Oh, God, I'm done! I'm finished! That wasn't too long, was it?
EUNICE: I wasn't paying attention. I charge by the job, not by the hour.
CABLE GUY: Well, I'll be on my way now. You have a nice evening. Oh, by the way, do you have a cigarette? (Cable Guy goes to door. George enters.) Who's that? Your husband?
EUNICE: I suppose so. He's not in the appointment book. (Cable Guy exits.)
GEORGE: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. I thought you were closed on Sundays.
EUNICE: This is a service profession. I have to work seven days a week. By the way, are you going to stay here tonight? I'm booked solid.
GEORGE: Look, I think I'm coming down with a cold. I thought I'd take a coupla aspirins and get right under the video camera.
EUNICE: You can find some place. Why don't you sleep over at the CRA?
GEORGE: I can't. We have to be out by eleven.
EUNICE: Fine. You can stay here for a couple more nights. When do I get it?
GEORGE: Judging from your appointment book, I'd say every hour, on the hour.
EUNICE: I'm talking about the divorce.
GEORGE: How should I know? It's already April and we haven't got our marriage license yet!
EUNICE: Ha, ha. Why weren't you funny in Act I? You'd better watch out because I'm buying a big dog tomorrow.
GEORGE: Good. Now you'll give Teddy something to really catch on tape. (Telephone buzzes.) What was that?
EUNICE: The telephone. Paul must get some sort of sadistic pleasure out of messing up sound cues. He's acting pretty cocky considering the cast skit hasn't been finished yet. (Eunice picks up telephone.) Hello? . . . No, Mother left about two-thirty in the morning . . . No, I didn't see the news. Our cable's been out all day . . . OK, I'll call if I hear anything. (Eunice starts to exit.)
GEORGE: Where are you going?
EUNICE: To find out what happened to my mother. And don't you be here when I get back. (Exits.)
GEORGE: (Calling out after Eunice) Don't you tell me what to do. 'Cuz I'm a man, sweetheart! I'll get out when I want to get out. (Softer voice) Geez, she could be back any minute. I'd better leave now. (George exits.)
MOTHER: (Eunice rushes back in, followed by Mother, all decked out à la Madonna.) Eunice, please, listen. It's not the way it looks at all. I can explain everything — the fishnets, the heels, the garter belt. It happened last night, when I left with Teddy. It must have been the drinks . . . I had a great deal to drink last night. I had Sloe Comfortable Screws, Screaming Orgasms, Sex on the Beach. I wish I could remember what I drank that would make me do those things . . . Eunice, you've got to believe me. I've told you everything.
EUNICE: Then why are you wearing a spiked collar?
MOTHER: I don't know. All right, so I can't explain everything . . . (There is a knock at the door.)
TEDDY: (Offstage) Anybody home? Eunice?
MOTHER: Don't let him in. I can't face him now. Not in his lingerie.
EUNICE: All right. I'll handle this. Go hide in the bedroom. No, you can't, there's a video camera in there. Go in the bathroom. No, there's one in there, too. I know, go hide behind the screen in the kitchen.
TEDDY: (enters) Eunice, could I please have about three hundred Alka Seltzers?
EUNICE: Three HUNDRED Alka Seltzers? What happened?
TEDDY: I can't believe I ate the whole thing! Oh, hello, Edith.
MOTHER: Eunice, why don't you go offstage so we can establish a relationship here. (Eunice exits.) Mr. Tabasco, where are my clothes?
TEDDY: They're at the cleaners. Gonzales took them off.
MOTHER: Mr. Gonzales?
TEDDY: Well, you don't have to take my word for it. It's all on tape.
EUNICE: (Enters from bathroom with case of Alka Seltzer) We only had about a half-case left. I hope it helps.
TEDDY: Thank you, but I'm feeling much better now. Edith, would you like to have dinner with me? That is, if you don't mind eating raw oysters.
MOTHER: I love raw oysters.
TEDDY: Good. Pick me up in a few minutes. We'll have a Spanish Fly before we go. (Teddy exits.)
MOTHER: I'll bet I'm the first woman ever asked to dinner while wearing lingerie in public. Except for maybe Cher and Madonna.
EUNICE: Mother, can I talk to you?
MOTHER: Just like a child. They don't call, they don't write, but when they need something . . .
EUNICE: It's George. He left.
MOTHER: I don't believe it.
EUNICE: Well, you just saw him leave here with a suitcase. What did you think he had in there?
MOTHER: I don't know. I thought maybe Amway demonstration products.
EUNICE: How am I going to get him back? What am I going to do?
MOTHER: Take care of him. Make him feel important. Swallow. And if you can do that, you'll have a happy and wonderful marriage, like two out of every ten couples. Now go get your coat and go Out after him. I've got a date. No one will believe a word of this. I wish I had my Polaroid camera. Well, maybe Teddy will lend me the tape. (Mother exits.)
EUNICE: (Puts on coat and goes to door. As she opens door, George staggers in past her.) George? George, are you all right? Where have you been?
GEORGE: Offstage waiting for my cue. Now I know what the crew has been doing with the liquor that was in the bottles before they put the iced tea in them!
EUNICE: George, where are your trousers? What did you do with your trousers?
GEORGE: (with mischief) Oh. call it a whim . . .
EUNICE: What have you been doing?
GEORGE: Streaking! I went bare-assed on a lark!
EUNICE: You're hot! Get into bed!
GEORGE: Gee, Eunice, I haven't gotten you this excited since our honeymoon!
EUNICE: I mean, you have a fever!
GEORGE: Aw, shucks. Well, am I running around the apartment crashing into furniture and falling all over the place because I'm drunk or because I have a fever?
EUNICE: I don't know. (Eunice runs and locks herself in the bathroom) I'm scared.
GEORGE: Of me? Why?
EUNICE: You might be contagious. (George goes through bedroom and crawls out on ledge.) I want the old George back. Even if he is an Aruway salesman. And I want him to know how much I love him. I'll . . . I'll give him Friday and Saturday nights for free. And Sunday mornings if he wants them. And I'll learn how to mix a martini. If we could just finish this sketch . . . George, can you hear me? (Eunice comes out of bathroom and looks around the apartment for George. George knocks on skylight.) George, you idiot. Get down.
GEORGE: I can't.
EUNICE: George? George, I love you!
GEORGE: And I love you too. Even when I didn't love you, I liked you. Now would you come out and get me? Because I'm going to be sick. (Eunice starts to bedroom door.) Eunice! Don't leave me!
EUNICE: But I can't get out THERE unless I leave HERE. I know. Sing, George. Keep singing until I get out there!
GEORGE: Eunice? What song should I sing? (Sings) A-Louie, Louie, wo-o-o-o, we gotta go now . . .
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