Letters to me.
So I was feeling oh-so-down. Nothing too new. I went digging around in a little box of wonders I keep. I have things that go back to at least grade 6 in there. So, I rummaged through it and I started feeling so good after a while. It made me want to try again. What did? Well, the letters to me. So, for whatever reason, I'm going to put them up here. Because dammit, it's my page, I can do what I want. All in original spelling and grammar.
"OK, I don't want to do this to you at all, let alone in a note because you don't deserve it. Sorry, but I thought I'd be able to tell you in person.
John, I think we should just, you know, go back to the way we were before, just be friends. What I'm trying to say is, I don't want to go out with you anymore. Don't even start to think it's your fault, ither, 'casue it's not. It's just that we don't see enough of each other, and my parents would KILL ME if they found out. (Because you're in grade 11) I know that that's stupid, but I can't help it. It's kind of like the saying... 'I'll miss you more than the desert misses the rain.' It's just something that won't work.
What I do know is that I want to be your friend. However, you probably don't want to now, or maybe don't even believe me. Trust me, this isn't the 'lets just be enemies, i've secretly decided you're a toad' talk. If you don't want to talk to me ever again, I can't help it, but I hope you understand. This relationship just isn't working at all. Well, I guess I'll see you around or something. I'm so sorry to hurt you. I hope you understand."
"John, you have surpassed yourself with this performance! Your intensity and professional manner (underlined)made(ununderlined) the show work, because as you realized early, the entire play hinged on you. Well done!"
"John,
Another month, can you believe that? I've went out with other people before, longer, but I can truthfully say that this is the most fulfilling relationship I've had. I've also thought that I was in love before, but now I realize that I wasn't. If I was in love, it wouldn't have ended, love doesn't end. I know that I've told you this before, but I always like to remind you so you never forget. I Love you, and I don't care if you say that you don't know how to love. Nobody knows how to love right, everyone has there own ideas of what love is and should be, so don't worry about it. I know you love me."
"Hello, I'm bored to death! I'm sitting, well, laying on my bed in my P.J.s listening to music and thinking about you. I went through all of my poems and letters you wrote me, 10 - thats alot, so I feel that I owe you something, I can't write beautiful poetry like you so I figured a letter of some sort would do it. The wierdest thing about you is how apprechtive you are of me. I like that. It makes me know that you love me, so I don't feel like I have to earn your Respect/Love etc... It's also rather comforting. because I know that your not going to use me. I don't like being used, just because I'm female. Anoither thing. JOHN STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF. I hate hearing you calling yourself ugly & useless. You are not ugly. (I feel so shallow saying this) You are very good looking. Remember that! and your not useless. don't listen to people (i.e mom) if they make you feel shitty. I LOVE YOU, I need you. I'm so thankful to have you around. I don't know how many times in the past couple weeks you've went out of the wayto try & help me. Its just so (underline)wierd(ununderline) to me! Its just amazing to finnally have someone who really, REALLY cares about -*ME*-, not popularity, not sex, not looks, not pity, ME. I can't believe that you love me. I have so many faults, some I don't even know if you can see. But you Love me. And I'm so happy. Its so great to be happy again. Sometimes I get so scared taht I'll lose you but then I remember, your not my mom, your not (curse the name!) chad, your not poor little jeff, you would never hurt me. I wonder often if you realize just what you mean to me. I want you to feel as happy as me, I want you to know that I'm happy. God John I LOVE YOU! It seems like I can never say it enough.
P.S. Dont worry about my thoughts about you being 'tarnished' by Julie or Max, you know me, I usually ignore everything they say."
"JOHNNY BOY,
Hello, I thought I'd give you a big thrill & write. I'm bored stiff so this seems like the only thing I can do to keep me from passing out. Don't expect this on a regular basis because I usually don't have the energy and/or brainpower to even complete sentances. I hate french. Why did I take this shit class again. I have the same teacher & classroom as grade 9, oh god I hate this, there's this kid that sits Near me & he thinks hes really cool & his voice cracks all the time, it's really high pitched. Some bleach blonde anorexic looking girl who really bugs me is near me, she always dresses like a whore & thinks she's better than everyone. Hey, I think we're actually going to do something now. Now I'm in science & for once I'm acctually done my homework, I didn't just not do it like I usually do. There's this big ugly fish in the tank behind me, he looks like a tiny pike, I hate him. We feed him gold fish, he's so greedy and fat. It's really starting to snow hard now & I really don't want to go to work tonight, well at least my pants do up now so I wont be flashing customers. I'm so bored. I'm just babbeling on & on & on, I don't even bother writing in paragraphs to make it less confusing, I'm stupid. Why can't people have enough self-respect to worry about themselves so I don't have to?"
(on valentines day, on a paper heart)
John, I see you found my heart. (god, that sounds so cheesy.) Even though you dont believe in Valentines, & you probably think I'm writing this just because I love you, as much as I possibly can. I know I'm not making much sence, but I'm in math & here nothing makes sense, so blahh, blah, blah & all that mushy stuff."
"I know its not a birthday card, but, hey, it was a pirate ship & thats all that counted. I looked in 5 different malls for the perfect present for you. You're just too damn picky! I'm just gonna give you money & you can tell me what you bought."
"STUD of my life
John,
Hey baby! God that sounds lame, just a little. So whatcha doing? Me nothing thanks for asking, Im mad at my family so Im in a bad mood now because I hate getting yelled at. Im just chilling in my room listening to nine inch nails 'HURt' the best song for these kinds of moods. I wonder if were writing each other notes at the same time, wouldnt that be cool. I hope you come up with a cool idea for tomorrow, better than walking through Mohawk park. Oh well suck a dick!!! Dont be mad but Im going to my friends birthday party in Turkey Point. Wow a bunch of cool Assumption people. Its on Saturday but Doug said that you guys were probably going to hang out. Sorry that note may seem messybutIm just not in a very happy mood. You understand dont you. I do want to hang out with you sometime this weekend. Im still not sure if I want to take that job in St.-Catherines in the month of August. I might miss you to much (heart) a whole month without you that would be crazy I dont think you could handle that. I havent even had my bath yet I wanted to write you first aint that cute. Its because Im cute. I hope Joel doesnt yell at me sometime I'd feel dumb, Wouldnt you feel gasy. I cant wait for the summer its gonna rock!!!! I didnt write this note in red for any reason in case you might be thinking something about it. I hope we dont break up for awhile. I want really long relationship right now I hope that your the right guy for this kinda relationship. You did want to become a slut in the summer remember I feel that Ive wrecked those plans for you, but your stuck with me now!! Im a fun girl! I dont think this pen is gonna last much longer. I cant wait to read your letter Im so excited. Its just still weird that were together ya know. It just hasnt hit me yet that Im with a great guy named John. Im listening to Plateau now by nirvana. We need a song John, a song that I can listen to and think of you, not that I dont think about you enough already we need a song though I dont even care if you think its gay because your going to think of the song! Nothing too Punkish please, something soft and sweet. That I could fall asleep to thimking of you my little stud. Maybe for our one year anniversary we can do something special!! I meant to tell you 1 month anniversarys are a big deal to me if you ever forget one I'll kill you personally. To remind you we started going out at the 4th of every month you know what mean? My family left me & went to White Rose for some stupid reason. My friend Dawn works there. I really need a job. Im so lazy. My paper looks ugly because I press hard on my pens when I write Im sorry if that bothers you in any way. John I hope that you would tell me when & if you werent happy with me because I'd tell you if I ever felt the need to, Its a big deal because I want you to be happy. Is that cool or what. This letter is becoming long dont cha think? I wasnt planning on it being this long. I cant believe its 8:00 already that crazy I still have so much to do. Time sure fly's by when your having fun. I should go though this is long enough. I'll see you & talk to you tomorrow. I cant wait to hear what you've planned for us. Have a good day if you get this in the morning. My fingers hurt (from writing) So gotta go.
from your girlfriend (heart)
Suck a Dick!
the heart doesnt mean love relax (happy face)
P.S. I still want you in my box!!
P.S.S. Good luck at you audition I wish I could be your Juliet!! and not some native chick.
I might need you to get the glass out but no rubbing my foot on your face.
JOHN is NOT GAY
(random things in the margin:)
John: Maybe we can have sex sometime on the beach in brantford. (Wink wink) if your UP for it
I miss you it's only been one day.
Im board John!"
"Hey there Johnny...
Well, here it is. A cheesy-ass card from me to you. (You know, it was only a matter of time). It's just one of those things that I do I guess... I like sending cards... just as a little reminder (to select few, anyway) that they still mean something to me.
I'm not very good at writing letters, so I try to stick to a minimal... cards allow me to do that, you know. So now I'm sitting here in the silence of my room. I suppose that I should be happy, but the reality of being alone has reared it's ugly head. I'm trying to think of what to write, but as I sometimes do, I've nothing. I mean... geez, how many times can I tell you how much you mean to me, how much I really do miss you, ow much I wish you were back home, how much more alive you make me feel inside, WITHOUT being completely annoying? Guess I'll never truly know. Right now you may just wanna punch me for being super-cheese... on not (Never can tell). All I know for sure is the way I feel about you. And the fact that if we keep this up for another 4 years or so (shit, it seems so long) that we MAY one day finally have a chance together. Just me and you... and maybe a cat or two. My only worry is that things inlike always tend to change over time. It'll break us apart, or bring us closer together. As much as I hate thinking about it... it's hard for me not to. Ehn...
Well, I think I'm gonna leave it at that... keep your chin up, and keep on talking to strangers in the hallway! And if they don't say anything back- well, THEY'RE the ones who lose out in the end.
Be good & take good care of yourself!
Luv ya always,"
Back.
This page hosted by 
Get your own Free Home Page