*Disclaimer - I do not own any of the members of 'N Sync (nor would I ever really want to) they belong to their respective owners. I do, however, own all fictional characters such as Mike, Devon, Ashley, Rachel and Carli. Plagiarism is against the law. Thanks.

Clouds covered the sky, aborting the sun's futile attempts to provide warmth and rain hung heavily in the air. It was the perfect day to fit his desolate mood. Today was the day he had to bury his wife, his love, his sanity, his soul mate, his heart, his everything. The funeral service had been beautiful, or as beautiful as such a grim event could possibly be. A picture of her, taken at their wedding, looking young and full of life had been perched on the speaker's podium. He, her parents, her best friend and her boss had all delivered eulogies that had made everyone laugh and cry at the same time. Over two hundred people, mostly family and close friends, had shown up to pay their last respects. The ceremony had ended moments earlier and now they were at the grave site.

Her family stood off to one side, watching their daughter and sister being lowered into the ground and her final resting place. He stood off to the side, apart from everyone else, sunglasses adorning his face to hide his bloodshot eyes. So many people, so many that he had lost count or never really tried to count in the first place, had told him what a waste it was for her to die so early leaving him with the twins. He could only nod silently, too afraid to trust his voice to speak. He knew that her loss was a waste, he didn't really need people vocalizing it. It was bad enough that his mind kept whispering things to him, he didn't need everything verbalize. It made things harsher, more real.

Just remember to breathe. Don't think about what all this means. Don't remind yourself that you'll never see her again. Don't think about what life will be like without - breathe in - breathe out - stop thinking. You need to stop thinking, feeling, or you'll go insane. You need to be strong for the twins. The only thing you have left of her. Stop thinking. Just breathe. Just breathe. Oh, God, I can't do this without her. How am I going to be able to take care of two infants without their mother? How could I just sit idly by and let her die? I could have done something to prevent it. I should have done something to prevent it. Breathe in - breath out. I wish people would stop walking on eggshells around me. I'm the one who's still living, not my - breathe damn it. Don't think about how much she adored you. Don't think about how much you loved her. Love her. Don't. Think. Just. Breathe. All you can do is breathe and endure what comes next. Please give me strength. Please take care of her. Never let her forget. Never let me forget. Oh God.

He walked over to the lowered casket and dropped a perfect single white rose onto the shiny wood. "I love you baby." he whispered, closing his eyes against the stark reality of his life. Everyone started drifting back to their cars, after delivering their condolences to him and her family before heading back to their homes and hotel rooms. They were going home, with their wives, alive and he was here in front of a grave with his. Her mother walked over to where he stood, head hung, tears shining brightly in her eyes. Wordlessly, she took him into her arms, enveloping him in a hug.

"My daughter loved you more than life. You were her light. You made her happier than anything else in this world possibly could. For that, I thank you. If you need anything, please let us know." his mother-in-law stated soothingly in his ear.

"I'll do that." he promised with a nod, blinking back tears as he pulled away.

"Take care, honey." she patted his cheek then walked away, leaving him alone with his grief. Just then the clouds broke and waves of cool rain drenched the Earth, almost as if the heavens were crying with him over the loss of his wife. He reached up and took the sunglasses off then turned his face up to the sky. The rain washed over him, bringing back memories almost forgotten. The two of them puddle jumping during the first real down pour of spring. The two of them walking slowly in the rain. The two of them slow dancing in the rain. Tears came to his eyes but the rain washed the tears away. He was soaked to the bone, but he barely noticed. A hand rested on his shoulder and his eyes opened. It was one of the guys.

"Come on, man. You need to get out of the rain." his friend stated softly, nodding toward the waiting car. He nodded silently and followed the rest of the group to the limo reserved for them. They talked around him, trying to remember happier times but it didn't matter. He was in no mood to listen. They had wanted to know if he would be alright by himself at the house. He nodded again, still remaining silent, which worried people to no end. He slipped the key into the lock and let himself inside. He still thought she would be there, waiting for him with open arms and a quick retort about being late yet again. The house was filled with her, everywhere he looked he saw her. He shut the door and fumbled with his wet suit jacket, yanking it off his shoulders and dropping it on the floor. It landed with a deafening plop in the silence of the house. He started shivering violently, so with shaky hands, he started a fire in the fireplace. Soon the orange-red glows of the flames lit the room into semi-darkness. He yanked on his tie, loosening it so he could breath deeply to keep himself from crying again. Never in his life had he done this much crying.

He wandered upstairs to the master bedroom, their room and discarded his wet shirt and pants. He walked to the adjoining shower, stopping briefly to gaze at their bed, before rinsing the days from his aching body. Funny, he had never felt this old before she had died. He had never felt the aches and pains of life while she had been around. He shook his head, the steaming water filling his mind, refusing to let him think. He didn't know how long he had stood in the shower, forcing himself to think, but by the time he had gotten out, dried off and gotten dressed in a pair of jeans and a sweater, the fire had died down a little and there was a message waiting for him on the answering machine. He set another log on the fire and walked over to the machine and hit play. It was his mother.

"Honey, it's just me. I was worried about you. You know if you need us, all you have to do is call. Honey, I wish you'd talk to me. I love you. Bye."

His parents, he loved them too much to put them through what had been going on in his mind. He had come to the conclusion that he should start packing her things up in boxes and putting them up in the attic. Giving her clothes to the Salvation Army. Making all the necessary arrangements to take the twins home. Make sure the nursery was ready for them. He sat on the couch, resting his head in his hands. Still, he couldn't believe she was actually gone. After a few moments, he climbed wearily to his feet and walked over to the hall closet. He pulled out a bunch of the boxes they had used to move into this house, her dream house, the one she had always wanted. He shook his head and sighed heavily as he walked up the stairs, lugging the boxes with him. He stood in the doorway to their bedroom and gazed at everything. She had left a sweater on the chair near the window, a pair of hiking boots were on the floor near the closet door and the room smelled of her perfume. He would pack away the clothing first so he could take it downtown to the Salvation Army. He folded the box and set it up near the closet and began the tedious job of packing his wife's belongings away, his mind and heart numb from exhaustion. He hadn't slept since she had passed away.

The phone rang downstairs, the phone in the bedroom had always been turned off, but he ignored it and continued working. He folded each item and set it carefully in the box. It was too painful to keep everything of hers around. He would keep some things, for himself and for the twins, but most of it had to go. He couldn't bare looking at it, knowing, remembering, feeling. Once the first box was full, he moved on to the second. This was the hardest thing he had ever had to do. The guys would have helped him, but he wasn't quite sure if he could handle the task with them here. Better to get it done quickly without the conversation that would have been inevitable with a group of people. When most of her clothes were in boxes, he sat heavily on the king size bed with a sigh, shoulders slumped. He hadn't realized how emotionally draining that one thing could be, and there was still so much left to do.

He didn't want to erase her from the house, he just couldn't look at her things in their bedroom without breaking, so he had to do something with all of it. A good husband would have kept everything longer. No! You were a good husband. All you had to do was look at her. She was at her happiest when she was with you, carrying your children. You were a good husband to her, no matter if you could save her or not. You took care of her. You made sure she left this world in a place of comfort, a place of joy, a place of relaxation. You did the best you could by her, no matter what. That's all that matters. That and you loved her with your entire entity. He picked up her favorite shirt, one that she had stolen from him years ago, and held it to his face. It still smelled of her. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to reign in the wandering thoughts that always managed to bring him to his knees. She had been so beautiful, so vibrant, so full of life that it was still hard to imagine that she was gone. It was hard to realize that she was gone. He had needed her in the most elemental ways. She helped keep him grounded, she helped keep him going when things seemed to be getting rough around the edges. She was in no means perfect, but she was perfect for him. Had been perfect for him.

He slid down onto the floor, holding the shirt, his eyes burning with another bought of unshed tears. A person would figure they would be all cried out after a week. Where do the tears keep coming from? Jesus, this is it. I'm flying this plane alone. Can I do it? Will I be a good father? Should I leave the group and get a more stable, suitable job? Can I raise these kids alone? What should I do? God, honey, what should I do? What would you have wanted me to do? He shook his head, a rueful smile on his face. Somehow he knew that she wouldn't have wanted him to stop with his career. Somehow he would make things work. He'd have to rely on his parents and her parents both to help raise the twins. He knew he wouldn't be able to take care of them right away. He needed to learn how to do most things. Like how to tell if a bottle was ready, how to properly change a diaper, and all the other numerous things that went with fatherhood. Inanely, the movie 'Three Men and a Baby' popped into his head. But it'll be five men and two babies for this one. I miss you baby. More than anything, I miss you.

His head fell forward into his hands, eyes closed, demanding that his brain would stop working overtime. After a moment, he shook his head and climbed to his feet. He had to remain strong. If not for his kids, then for his own sanity. He knew it was going to be hard, but he would do it for Jasper and Randy. There were no choices left in this matter. It just simply needed to be done without her, though it would slowly kill him inside.

It had been a hard few months, the tour taking more than just energy from him this time around. He found himself thinking and wishing he could be home with his children. He still loved the career he had, but it was getting increasingly harder to stay away from Jasper and Randy for so long. When they had been younger, he had taken them on tour with him for months at a time. Each member of the group adored the cherubs and made it a point to help out when it came to taking care of them. No doubt, this led to some comical harmless errors in some of the things that they did, but they had all learned what it takes to be a father. Someone of them even had kids of their own now, which pleased him. He shook his head with amusement as he pulled into the driveway of his parents' house to pick up the twins. He climbed out of the car and walked up the sidewalk to the front door. He pushed the door open and stepped inside.

"Where are my little monsters?" he bellowed with a grin. The sound of scurrying feet sounded from upstairs and two little whirlwinds flew down the stairs and into their father's awaiting arms.

"Daddy, tell Jaz she can't be a football player cause she's a girl!" Randy whined as his father placed a kiss on his forehead.

"Your sister can do anything she wants to do, and that includes football. Right Jazzy?" he inquired giving his young daughter a raspberry on her cheek. Jasper giggled and threw her arms around his neck. He laughed and tossed her into the air, caught her then set her on her feet as his mother walked in the room with a smile.

"I hope they weren't too much trouble, mom." he smiled down at the twins who were now chasing each other around his legs.

"Oh, nonsense! You know I love having my grandbabies over. How was the tour?" she laughed taking a seat on the couch.

"Tiring, but then, that's nothing out of the ordinary. We're going to be home for a few months, going to record a new album and all." he shrugged sitting down himself. As soon as he was seated, the twins immediately jumped into his lap.

"Daddy, grammy made us chocolate chip cookies to take home with us!" Jasper stated excitedly.

"She did? Well, you'll just have to thank her, now won't you?" he smiled giving his mother a wink.

"Thank you grammy!" both kids chorused before climbing off their father's lap to go out into the back yard to play.

"They grow so fast, don't they?" she inquired, more to herself than anyone else.

"They sure do. I missed them too much this time around." he shook his head, rubbing the fatigue from his face.

"I can keep them an extra night so you have at least one night to relax and catch up on some well deserved sleep." she suggested as he stood to collect the bags that had been packed for them to bring home.

"Nah, I'll be okay. I still don't like that house when it's quiet. Doesn't seem quite natural." he shrugged then left the room to set the bags inside the car. He walked back inside the house and yelled for the twins to come back inside and say goodbye to their grandmother. They did so with loud kisses and huge hugs, and soon, they were on their way back to the house. He ordered out for pizza and had a late dinner with his kids before they headed out to the backyard where a small pool was located. It was a nightly tradition when he was home. The sat with their feet dangling in the cool water of the pool and listened to him tell stories.

"Daddy, why did mommy leave us?" Jasper questioned suddenly, causing his heart to jump into his throat.

"Because God needed her help, sweetheart." was all he could answer with. Even after all these years, the pain was still fresh like it had happened only moments ago.

"That's not true!" Randy shook his head emphatically, folding his little arms across his chest. "Mommy left cause she didn't love us anymore."

"Now where in the world did you hear that?" he demanded, gazing down at his son.

"Bobby McFarland from pre-school told me so." Randy nodded, his eyes flashing with defiance.

"That isn't true. Your mother loved you up until she had to leave. She still loves you to this day, and that I promise you. She looks in on you every night while you're sleeping to make sure you're okay." he shook his head, trying to convince his youngest child that what he had been told were lies.

"Why did God need mommy? Why couldn't mommy help him from here?" Jasper pressed, resting her head against her father's arm.

"Because sweetheart, your mother is a very special person and no one but her could help him. You see, the man who hangs the stars at night quit his job, and your mother needed to replace him. No one but your mother could ever replace him, because she had enough love for the whole world, which is very rare. So, every night as you get ready for bed, she's hanging the stars you wish on and helping those wishes come true." he explained softly, cuddling the twins closer to him. They remained silent for a few minutes just watching the darkening sky before he told them it was time for bed. He help the pair changed into their pajamas, then tucked them in bed.

"Good night, sleep tight...." he started.

"Don't let the bed bugs bite!" Jasper and Randy yelped the rest of the popular saying from their beds. He smiled and turned out the light before heading to his own bedroom. He sat on the bed and sighed, rubbing his face. Tonight had been close, he had almost reverted back to where he was the night she had died. He still missed her like crazy. Sometimes he would walk into a room in the house and think she was still there, and go to ask her something, only to find out she wasn't there at all. Sometimes late at night, he could swear he felt her in the room with him. It was hard, still so very hard to get over her death. The phone rang shrilly and he immediately grabbed it to keep from waking the kids.

"Hello?"

"Hi, it's Jamie."

"Hey Jamie, what's going on?"

"I was just wondering when you were going to cash in that rain check of yours."

"Right, I'm sorry Jamie. I'm just not up for dating at the moment. I have all I can do with the kids and the career."

"She died, not you."

"Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I remember that everyday? I see her in my children's faces. In their questions. In their love for life. I see it in every room of this house. Don't tell me that she's the one who died and not me just because you want a date."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah."

"But you have to admit that you've stopped living."

"I haven't. If I had, I wouldn't be with my children right now. Don't call here again, Jamie. At least not for a while. It takes more than five years to get over the love of your life, your soul mate." he replied stiffly into the phone before hanging up. He immediately felt guilty for being so abrupt with Jamie on the phone, but he just couldn't deal with her pressuring him to go out. He sometimes thought that Jamie wanted him to forget his wife ever existed. He shook his head as he climbed to his feet. What do I do, baby? Do I start dating again? How can I possibly do such a thing? How can I let go after such a short amount of time. It's not right, and I'm not comfortable in doing so quite yet. Jamie will just have to understand that you're not that easy to get over. You crept into my veins and now you're there forever. He changed and climbed into bed, then turned out the light.

He hadn't been asleep for more than an hour before he jerked awake. Something was wrong. He couldn't place his finger on it, but something was strange about the feeling of the house. He threw the covers back and climbed out of bed. He rushed down the hall to check Randy's bedroom. The five year old was fast asleep, cheeks flushed and hugging a teddy bear tightly in his little arms. He walked back out into the hallway and opened the door to Jasper's bedroom. The bed was rumpled and disheveled, but Jasper was nowhere in sight. He took a deep breath and told himself to remain calm as he stepped back into the hallway. She had to be in the house somewhere, so there was no use getting panicked over it. He checked the office right next door and found it to be empty before he headed downstairs to check all the rooms there. Still, no Jasper. His heart started beating wildly in his chest. Damn it, where is she?!

He jogged back up the stairs to check the rooms again. Maybe he had missed her in one of the corners. The last room to be checked was his own bedroom, and there she was, sitting quietly on the window seat staring up into the sky. He closed his eyes and heaved a silent sigh of relief.

"Hey rugrat," he called out affectionately. "What are you doing up out of bed?"

The little girl turned to look at him, her eyes wide with anticipation. "You said mommy watches over us while we're sleeping. I just thought if I was fast enough, I'd be able to see her." she stated softly.

"Oh sweetheart, come here." he whispered as he knelt down on the floor, his heart breaking for his daughter. The little girl dropped her teddy bear and bolted into her father's arms, tears glimmering in her eyes.

"I wasn't fast enough." she confided in him.

"Would you like to see what mommy was like when she was still here?" he questioned as he picked her up into his arms. She nodded silently. "Okay, run and get your pillow and blanket while I go downstairs and get the video tape."

"Kay." Jasper nodded and ran from the room as fast as her little legs could carry her. When she had the required items, she climbed up into her father's bed and waited patiently for him. Minutes later he returned with a video tape and a cup of coffee.

"Mommy's in that?" Jasper inquired making a face.

"She's not, but this is a movie with her in it." he laughed as he turned on the television, then popped in the tape.

"What's goin on?" a very sleepy Randy inquired from the doorway.

"We're gonna watch mommy! On tv!" Jasper exclaimed excitedly. He shook his head with a rueful smile. It was hard to believe that only seconds ago, she was close to tears. The two kids flopped down on the bed with their father and watched a video of their mother. He sat there with his arms around his children. She would be so proud of them. They're growing up into beautiful young people. Jasper looks so much like her mother. It almost hurts. He shook his head with a rueful smile when he noticed that the twins had fallen asleep. They were growing up so fast, and he was sorry she had to watch from above and not down here experiencing it.

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