------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well. --Joe Ancis Most of our future lies ahead. --Denny Crum A billion here, a billion there--pretty soon it adds up to real money. --Everett Dirksen Sometimes you have to look reality in the eye and deny it. --Garrison Keillor Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. --Abraham Lincoln Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. --Redd Foxx I am rather like a mosquito in a nudist camp; I know what I should do, but I don't know where to begin. --Stephen Bayne The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. --Alfred Hitchcock Weather forecast for tonight: dark. --George Carlin All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. --Mark Twain Never learn to do anything. If you don't learn, you will always find someone else to do it for you. --Mark Twain If I ever needed a brain transplant, I'd choose a sportswriter's because I'd want a brain that had never been used. --Norm Van Brocklin Just about the time you think you can make both ends meet, somebody moves the ends. --Pansy Penner When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby Thanks a thousand. --Nelson Rockefeller Whenever I think, I make a mistake. --Roger Stevens Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. --Mark Twain Noise proves nothing; often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid. --Mark Twain It is no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like. --Jackie Mason Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. --Robert Orben I don't know anything about music. In my line, you don't have to. --Elvis Presley The American people are very generous people and will forgive almost any weakness, with the possible exception of stupidity. --Will Rogers It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life. --Irish proverb My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. --Henny Youngman Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. --George Burns As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. --Robert Benchley I took a course in speed reading and was able to read WAR AND PEACE in twenty minutes. It's about Russia. --Woody Allen Perseverance is the most overrated of traits, if it is unaccompanied by talent; beating your head against a wall is more likely to produce a concussion in the head than a hole in the wall. --Sydney J. Harris In the U.S. today, you are considered innocent until appointed to a public position by the President. --Ambassador William Crowe Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them. --Lily Tomlin Men who treat women as helpless and charming playthings deserve women who treat men as delightful and generous bank accouts. --GQ Put all your eggs in one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET. --Mark Twain I write at high speed because boredom is bad for my health. It upsets my stomach more than anything else. I also avoid green vegetables. They're grossly overrated. --Noel Coward Work is the greatest thing in the world. So we should save some of it for tomorrow. --Don Herold Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about. --Sam Ewing Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs. --P.J. O'Rourke The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat. --Lily Tomlin Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. --Phyllis Diller The marvels of modern technology include the development of a soda can which, when discarded, will last forever, and a $7,000 car which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years. --Paul Harwitz In America, anyone can become President. That's one of the risks you take. --Adlai Stevenson When the going gets tough, the smart get lost. --Robert Byrne Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. --Mark Twain When asked what he thought of Western civilization, Mahatma Gandhi replied, "I think it would be a good idea." Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. --Mark Twain I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --Will Rogers You don't set a fox to watching the chickens just because he has a lot of experience in the hen house. --Harry S. Truman My advice to you is to get married; if you find a good wife you'll be happy. If not, you'll become a philosopher. --Socrates Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. --Carl Gustav Jung I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. --e e cummings I would have made a good Pope. --Richard M. Nixon I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes. --Richard M. Nixon You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone... --Al Capone He would make a lovely corpse. --Charles Dickens I'll sleep when I'm dead. --Warren Zevon If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. --Alice Roosevelt Longworth If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. --Aristotle Onassis I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. --Woody Allen Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. --anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave --ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. --Dan Quayle We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur. --Dan Quayle It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago. --Dan Quayle If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? --Abraham Lincoln I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was...a large Arctic region covered with ice. --Steve Martin
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