“Hi.”
Brian looked up only to be shocked speechless, able only to let out a pinched, “hey.”
She caught it and looked genuinely concerned, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine, I just, well, that is, I didn’t—“
“You didn’t think I’d show up.”
“Well, yeah.”
Brian had been sitting on the steps behind the Seaport Mall for half an hour not really expecting to see Annie any time soon. Because she was standing over him, he found it hard to look at her without shielding his eyes from the sun. Ann noticed and sat down at a sheltered distance from him.
Brian broke the disquieting silence, “So, what made you come?”
“Your letter was really…sweet. And I feel like there are still issues that need to be resolved.”
“Like?”
“I was under the impression you wanted to know about the why, we both need to discuss the how, not to mention the where do we go from here.”
“Oh. That stuff.”
“Yeah. That stuff. What did you have in mind?”
“Well, I do want to know about the why, but I was a bit more focused on the how to fix it and the your place or mine.”
“Neither.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s over.”
“Why?”
“I was fed up, Brian.”
“Of me?”
“Yes and no.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“Time doesn’t make it any easier to explain this.”
“Try, please, I need to know. If not for my benefit, at least for my sanity.”
She sighed and focused her gaze on a couple walking across the Brooklyn Bridge hand in hand, “Basically, I overestimated myself.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I convinced myself that I could handle all the stress your career would bring me. But I can’t. Don’t get me wrong, I knew this would be demanding and a struggle from the get-go. I just conned myself into believing that it was all worth it that everything would be okay.”
Brian looked heartbroken, “Are you saying that it wasn’t worth it?”
“I still haven’t figured that out. Look at this from my side of the fence. The fans were nonstop, the tours were nonstop, the slutty bimbo model-types were nonstop, the broken promises were nonstop, and so were the lonely nights, the doubts, the regrets, and the lies.”
“What lies?”
She rolled her eyes in disgust, “Oh, come on, Brian. Be real. If you ask me, ‘No, Regis, I’m presently unattached,’ qualifies as a lie.”
“I’m sorry about that. But it’s what you said you wanted. I thought you didn’t want the fans to know about you, about us.”
“I didn’t. I wanted the world to know. I can’t blame you for the secrecy because I should have told you it upset me. But I just wish I never had to worry about that.”
“But we do. That’s my life.”
“No, Brian, it’s your career, remember?”
“Music has always been a huge part of who I am and you know that. My career is my life because it’s what I’ve always wanted.”
She smiled cynically, “And I didn’t fit into that little model life, did I?”
“I wanted you to. I still want you to. And I still think you can. Together, we can.”
“Cut the crap, Brian. Look at the last six months of our lives together. What we? What us? Speaking of ‘us’, what happened to you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Where was your effort in the relationship?”
“To be honest, it was lacking. I felt like we had forever ahead of us. I was so focused on tomorrow that I didn’t even give a thought to today. But I want to fix that. I can’t lose you. Not now, not ever.”
“Why?”
“I’m empty without you.”
Pausing a moment to think after that loaded comment, Annie finally whispered, “You’ll love again.”
Brian responded earnestly, “Never the same. I’ll never feel so much at once ever again. I’d never be lost and found again.”
“Lost and found?”
“Like I’m lost in love and at the same time feel like I’ve found everything I’d ever dreamed of.”
“I’m not strong enough to do this.”
Brian’s pent-up emotions exploded, “Dammit, Annie! You promised!” His words became desperate, his eyes frantic, “Remember? We made a pact.” He took hold of her hands and looked deep within her expressive orbs, “‘Forever and ever, infinity and eternity, always and a day.’ You promised.”
“I’m sorry. I know what I promised, but I can’t.”
“Try harder!”
They were both still a moment, Brian spent from his outburst and Ann on the verge of tears. She wrenched her hands from his, put her head in them and cried softly. When Brian noticed he slid over to her and put his arms around her. She resisted for a moment but gave in when he wouldn’t relent. He took note of how she shuddered when he held her.
He rocked her and buried his head in her hair as he softly whispered, “I’m sorry, Annie. Stop crying, baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to blow up at you like that. I didn’t mean it.”
She pried herself away from him, “Yes, you did. Don’t take it back if it’s what’s in your heart.”
“Well, then, I did. But I didn’t mean to be so forceful about it. Here I come, trying to convince you to give me another try, and I end up making you cry instead.”
Annie laughed and wiped the tears from her eyes and cheeks. Brian watched her lovingly until she caught his gaze. “What?”
“What?”
“Don’t mimic me.”
“I’m not mimicking you, I just have no idea what you’re asking me.”
“Why were you staring at me?”
“Oh,” he blushed slightly, “couldn’t help myself.”
“Oh.” She then proceeded to blush and find the floor increasingly interesting.
“C’mon, Brian,” he thought to himself, “it’s now or never, and you sure as hell don’t want it to be never.”
Brian moved his hand slowly towards her, but she didn’t notice because her embarrassment kept her staring at the floor. He cupped her face in his hand, forcing her to look up at him. With his free hand, he smoothed her hair back softly and tenderly. He kept her gaze locked with his own, silently asking the question his heart so desperately needed answered.
“Annie, I’m going to ask you the most important question I could probably ever ask. I’m begging you to please, please be honest with me.” His eyes began to fill with tears, but he ignored them and braved on. “Do you still love me?”
Silently, Ann was having an inner battle between her mind and her heart. She knew she loved him. The question was, was that enough? Should she go on with a relationship she doubted every day? Even if she did love him and did decide to tell him so, would she give her heart to him again?
“Yes. I love you.”
Before she knew it, Brian had drawn her in for a tight, crushing embrace.
“Oh, God, I hoped so. You don’t know how much I needed to hear that. I’ll make this work, baby, I promise I will. I won’t make the same mistake twice.”
“Wait.”
Brian’s celebration stopped momentarily while he looked at her plaintively.
“What’s wrong? I thought you said you loved me.”
“I did, and I do. But that doesn’t mean that I want to be a couple again.”
“Why not?” Ann had never seen him look more crestfallen.
“We’ve all ready been through all the reasons why.”
“We’ve been through all the reasons why not. I think it’s about time we talked about a few of the reasons why. We’re good together. We’re alike enough to see eye to eye but not so similar that we butt heads. Our interests are the same. So many of our friends are mutual. We’ve laughed together, we’ve cried together, we’ve been there for each other when no one else was. But most of all we love each other. You love me and I love you and that’s a universal truth that will never die. You can’t look me in the eye to tell me that you don’t love me, so I know that you can’t look me in the eye to say that you don’t want this just as much as I do. Because I know you do, I know that as much as I need you in my life, you want me by your side. Take your advice, Annie, don’t deny what’s in your heart. Don’t make a decision you’ll regret for the rest of your life.” He finished his passionate speech and refused to let her look away from him. He paused to let his words sink in before speaking.
“So, what’ll it be, Annie?”
“What will it be,” she thought. She searched his eyes and searched her
soul
and made the decision that would change her life forever.
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