Until today, I never thought of myself as someone who was big on all that sentimental bull so many people rant and rave about. Until, that is, I found myself remembering some of the things we did, especially the things I did for her. I came to the realization that I have to be the biggest, sappiest idiot on the planet. I said every one of those corny lines, called her every one of those corny names. You ever notice how all those nick names have something to do with food? Honey, pumpkin, sugar dumpling, sweetie pie, cupcake, cookie, sweet cakes, etc. etc. etc.
I remember when we first met, she was still trying to learn Spanish. She would call me these names like amante, nene, and coqueto. I never knew what they meant. I never bothered to ask. I just knew that they were words saved just for me and they sounded so beautiful coming from her lips. Those words were the only thing that kept me alive on tour. Then again, they were part of what made me insane. Just the desire to be that sound, made beautiful by the caress of her lips, drove me crazy on many a lonely night.
She made me feel good. She smoothed away all the creases of self-doubt that life had imprinted upon me. I’d always believed that God made me strong enough to endure and survive day after day without breaking down. Her presence made me believe that God made me stronger by sending her into my life to make me enjoy every new day.
And now she’s gone.
And it’s taken me a whole week to admit that I don’t like that. To stop sulking and decide to actually do something about it.
If only I knew what.
I know she’s not the type to rush into something as monumental as this if she’s not sure of it. So, she had to have had a good reason to break off a 3-year relationship. Which means that no ordinary make-up tactic will suffice. I start thinking about all the things that had meant so much to us in the first place.
And that’s when I start to write. All she can do is say no.
Right?
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Brian and all things Backstreet have been a huge part of my life for the past three years. For a person who doesn’t know how close I am to every one of the guys, this breakup sounds a lot less traumatic than it truly is. Not to say that they and I won’t remain friends throughout this, it’s just that my situation puts a strain on the friendship that was never there. It was always that they each represented something I needed in a friend and he rounded it all off by being my boyfriend.
Kevin has always been a father figure to me. Many people think that’s because of his age but in my opinion, it’s because of the way he carries himself and cares about others. He’s not the smothering kind of father, though. He’s like one of those cool dads that would let their daughter try almost anything as long as it wasn’t prohibited by law. He trusted me enough to make mistakes on my own, but he’s always been there for me to help me clean up my mess and straighten myself out.
Howie is more like a protective older brother. You’d feel like the world was smiling on you whenever you were with him, simply because he showered that much attention on you. He’s always the person I’d turn to when I needed to feel special. Whenever my low self-esteem issues would kick in, Howie would be the first one there to give me a boost. He’s a perfect gentleman and makes no secret of the fact that he’s an all around sweet guy, but he can be really protective of those he’s close to. If he started getting on my nerves, I’d call him ‘Mr. Lecture Man’ simply because he was always giving me the long ‘I just don’t want to see you get hurt’ oratories. But you could never help but love him.
AJ is often called my twin. It’s not that far from being an accurate statement. We are two halves of the same whole. To an extent, I believe in soul mates. However, I don’t believe that all soul mates were meant to be together as a romantic couple. I’ve come to the conclusion that AJ is my soul mate simply because we relate to each other with a depth and intensity that I’ve never encountered before. He understands me when no one else can.
And I do the same for him. It always used to crack me up when Brian would get jealous. It had taken him time to even come close to the emotional affinity AJ and I had naturally. AJ is slightly more protective of me than Howie is. Viciously protective. And that could easily be because we feel the other’s pain. He hurts when I hurt; and like the tiger I tease him of being, when he’s hurt, he lashes out at the source of the pain.
Nick is my little brother. He brings out the best and worst in me. I love him so much that I’d give him the world if I could. And strangely enough, he was actually the person (next to Brian’s mother, of course) that I was most worried about meeting. Apparently, I had nothing to worry about, because he accepted me with open arms. I think that Nick is a kindred spirit. He sees and understands a lot more than what people give him credit for. If he doesn’t hear what you’re saying, it’s probably because he was paying too much attention to how you were saying it. He’s so observant that he often tells me things I don’t realize about myself. He’s also the greatest person to be around when you want to forget all your troubles. Just grab him, find a quiet spot somewhere, and sit there and just reflect. And when you’re done, he’ll often surprise you with some profound thought that came to life during his reverie.
So, you see, I lost more than a boyfriend. I’m on the edge of losing my very well being. Might as well be.
I’ve already lost my mind.
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