At the hospital…
Howie's family was already there. Mrs. Dorough was crying in her husband's arms, while John, Howie's brother, tried comforting PollyAnna and Angie. A.J. sat in the waiting room with his head in his hands. Kevin, Brian, and Nick were trying to console A.J. by telling him it wasn't his fault. But A.J. wouldn't listen to a word they said.
"A.J…" began Brian as he placed his hand on his shoulder.
"No. Don't," interrupted A.J., as he nodded his head.
Brian sighed and faced the others.
"Did anyone call Elena?" he asked softly.
"Yeah," answered Kevin. "I did. She's on her way over here."
"It's a shame," mumbled A.J. expressionlessly. "They were so much in love."
"A.J.! He's going to be ok!"
Just then, the doctor walked in. Everybody stood up eager to hear the news.
"Mr. and Mrs. Dorough?"
"Yes," answered Hoke as he held his trembling wife.
"It doesn't look too good. He's in stable condition now, but the damage is severe. One bullet went right through his artery, so there was major internal and external bleeding. We managed to stop it, but it did weaken him a great deal, which concerns me. He also has a collapsed lung. The other bullet is lodged in his spine. If we don't remove it, he'll be paralyzed from the waist down."
Mrs. Dorough gasped. "Oh God! No!"
"Is there anything we can do?" asked Hoke, wiping the dampness from his eyes.
"Well, you have two choices. They are not very good ones, but they're the only ones…one-we can leave the bullet in and he'll be paralyzed…"
"No!" yelled A.J. "There has to be something better than that! What's the other one?!"
The doctor looked at him with a sad expression on his face. "I'm afraid the second option is worse--- we can operate and remove the bullet. But the problem with that is, we're not 100% sure it will change anything. And there's also the risk that he may not make it through."
The whole room was silent. Nine pairs of sorrowful eyes stared at the doctor in shock and disbelieve.
"He's in critical condition. Surgery may be too much for his body to handle. But if we're successful, he'll be able to have a normal life. This is an incredibly risky procedure. It can go both ways."
Paula had to sit down before she fainted. A.J. punched the wall. The rest were quiet.
"I know how hard this must be for you. I'm really sorry. I promise we'll do everything we can, but it's really up to him. I'll give you a while to decide. I'll be back in an hour. Again, I'm truly very sorry."
The doctor walked back into the ER.
A.J. felt sick and weak in the knees. 'This isn't happening. This shouldn't be happening. It's my fault. It's all my fault. I killed my best friend.' He quietly sobbed.
A few minutes later, Elena rushed in, crying and hysterical.
"Oh my God, where is he?! What happened?! How is he?!"
Kevin wrapped his strong arms around her and tried calming her down.
"Shhh, he's in ICU. The doctors are doing everything they can."
He led her to a chair next to A.J. A.J. turned the other way. He couldn't face her. The things he said during the argument ran through his mind. How could he say that Howie stole her from him?! How could he say that he 'liked her a lot' when he knew Howie LOVED her?! How could he be so cruel?! He was deep in remorseful thought, when he felt a gentle hand on his arm. He felt Elena's teary eyes looking at him, searching for answers.
"A.J.?" she whispered in a raspy voice. "Do you know what happened?"
A.J. faced her, resisting the urge to break down. "It was my fault," he choked out.
"What?"
"I knew something was gonna happen! I felt it! But I didn't say anything! It was all my fault!"
Kevin was surprised and confused. "A.J., what are you talking about?!"
A.J. swallowed hard. "I-I-I had this dream…a while ago. I dreamt that we were doing a concert, but then all the fans disappeared and it was just us with this cloaked guy…a-a-and then he took it off…it was Lou…"
He paused for a moment as the image appeared in his head. He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath.
"What happened next, A.J.?"
"He-he took out a gun and shot us! It was like today, except that in my dream, he killed all of us! It was horrible! I didn't want to see Lou, but I didn't say anything! But deep inside, I knew something wasn't right. I shouldn't have provoked him!"
"A.J., don't tell me you think your dream had anything to do with what happened today…it was just a coincidence!"
"No, I think it was more than that…like a premonition or something! I could have done something, anything!"
"No! There was nothing you could do! He would have shot you, too!"
"Dammit, Kevin! Those bullets was meant for ME!"
Elena hugged him and stroked his hair.
"No, A.J., it wasn't your fault," she said softly.
"Oh, Elena, you should have heard the things I said…I'm such a fuckin' asshole."
He pulled away from her and stood up. After taking one last look at Howie's devastated family, broken-hearted girlfriend- almost- fiancée, and at the saddened guys, he left the room. Brian was about to call after him, but Kevin stopped him.
"Let him go."
"Paula, we have to decide," said Hoke softly.
"Hoke, there's no choice to be made here! We will not risk losing our son in an operation that probably wouldn't help, anyway!"
"We have to take that chance!"
"No!"
"Paula, listen to me. If we don't do it, he'll be paralyzed! He'll never be able to perform again! You know how much that's going to affect him?! It would be like emotional death!"
"No! I will not lose another child!"
The others in the room watched silently and horrified as Paula bawled and screamed. Hoke held her tight in his arms. "You know I'm right. As horrible as it sounds, I think it's best, if there's absolutely nothing in this heaven or earth that we could do, that he-I don't want to see him slowly suffering and wasting away in a wheelchair."
Paula just trembled and shook her head. But she knew, deep down, he was right. She sorrowfully looked into her husband's eyes.
"No. I-I-I don't want that either. H-h-his dreams were coming true…they would be shattered if he couldn't perform…why? Why did this have to happen?"
"I don't know," he whispered, feeling the hot tears stream down his face.
"Mr. and Mrs. Dorough?"
Everyone looked at the doctor with hopeful eyes. "Have you reached your decision?"
Everyone's hearts sank.
Hoke looked at his wife. She nodded.
"Y-yes," his voice quavered as he spoke, "We want-we've decided to take the chance."
The doctor nodded. "Very well. I know how hard it must have been for you to decide between those two dreadful choices, but they were the only ones. He'll be in the OR in an hour. You could see him now. Two at a time please."
"Thank you, doctor. Come on, Paula."
Paula and Hoke entered the dark room to see their son one last time, before the operation. Elena saw him after them.
She was shaking as she walked into the dark and eerily silent, except for the machines that were keeping him alive, ICU room. She was aghast at the sight of her true love's life hanging by a thread, literally…the IV. He looked so small and helpless. It tore her heart apart seeing the person who meant the world to her like this. She slowly made her way over to his bedside and sat down in the chair beside him. He was so pale, and his face had the expression of pain and sadness. She gently picked up his limp hand, careful not to touch any of the wires or tubes attached to him.
"Howie?" she said softly. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm here. I always will be. I can't stay here long, but…just don't give up…right away. You have to fight this. You have to get through this. It's gonna be hell without you. And I'm not just talking about my life. You have so much going for you…your family, your friends, the band, your fans…"
A teardrop rolled down her cheek and her voice cracked with emotion.
"…but if you can't…I don't want you to suffer."
She sniffed then took out the ring she got him for their four-month anniversary.
"I-I got you this…for our anniversary. I was going to give it to you when I got back. "
She placed it on his finger then kissed it. "My heart stays with you," she whispered.
Just then, a few nurses came in.
"I'm sorry to interrupt you, but he's scheduled to go to surgery right now."
"Ok…I'll keep this safe for you," Elena said softly as she gently slipped the ring off Howie's finger and placed it on hers. "I love you."
She gave him one last kiss on the forehead before hesitantly leaving the room and letting the nurses do their job.
Everyone looked at her when she entered the waiting room.
"H-he's---they're getting him ready for the, um, operation. Where's A.J.?" He wasn't in the room.
"He didn't come back yet. I'll get him," volunteered Kevin.
"You know where he is?"
"No, but I have an idea."
Kevin took the elevator to the bottom floor and walked through the long hallway, and went into the cafeteria. Sure enough, A.J. was there, sulking. He went up to him and sat down next to him.
"Oh, A.J., A.J., A.J.," he said in a tsk-tsk voice. "How did I know you'd be here, drinking away all your sorrows."
"Life sucks. It always turns out different from what you expect."
"Well, if it doesn't come out the way you want it, you just have to do your best with what you have or do something about it."
"Ah, wise words from a wise man. Please just leave me alone."
"No, we have to talk."
A.J. just ignored him and continued to chug. Kevin was getting annoyed.
"A.J., put the Sprite down! I'm not leaving until you talk to me!"
"What the hell do you want to talk about?! About how screwed up my life is?! About how much of an asshole I've been acting like lately?! Or about how I destroyed my best friends' lives?! Take your pick!"
"Ok, first of all, your life is not screwed up! You're just confused right now and exploring what you really want to do with your life, and that's normal! Everyone goes through that! Everything changed for me after my dad died. I had to rethink about my priorities. I learned that life is too short and you shouldn't take it for granted, the hard way. Secondly, I know why you've been acting weird. You like Elena." "How do you know?"
"I could tell. You always have this sad look in your eyes every time Howie and her kiss or something. And you were so comfortable in her arms today."
"Damn, nothing gets by you, does it."
"Well, actually I can't understand why you're convinced that this is somehow all your fault. It's not. In split second, Howie had to decide whether to see his best friend die or do something about it. He CHOSE to do something."
"Yeah, well, his decision sucked. He had everything going for him. He has TWO parents and three sisters and one brother that love him. He has a great girlfriend that's madly in love with him and they eventually wanted to get married. And he is so sure of his career and business. I, on the other hand, grew up as an only child in a one-parent household, I have no one NEAR a girlfriend, and I'm totally a wreck over my future. I never went to college. Performing is all I know and I'm not even so sure about it anymore! I am so messed up! Dammit! Why the hell did he have to save me for?! I should have been shot and put out of my misery!"
"A.J., shut the hell up!! How do you think Denise would have felt if you were the one in there, fighting for your life?! How do you think we would have felt?! And Howie?! Shit! We would be in the same fuckin' situation we are now! The only person to blame, A.J., is Lou! Lou did that to him, not you! And I swear he will pay! We're all going to testify and put his fuckin' ass in jail until he rots!"
A.J. couldn't say anything after that. He just stared at the ground in shock, confusion, sorrow, and guilt. Kevin calmed down and spoke softly.
"C'mon, A.J. Let's go back up. He should be in surgery by now."
A.J. immediately looked up. "So they decided to go through with it?"
Kevin nodded. A.J. looked down again for a second, then stood up.
"Let's go."
They went back upstairs to the waiting room. All eyes fell on A.J.
"Are you ok, A.J.?" asked Elena concerned.
"About as ok as I can be, I guess. How long is the operation going to take?"
"About 8-10 hours. He's been in there for three-quarters of an hour already. It's going to be a long night, but I'm staying."
"I'm staying, too."
"No, you've been through so much today. You should go home and try to get some sleep."
"No way! How can I sleep at a time like this?! I'm staying!"
"There's no need for you to be here! I promise I'll call you after he's out."
"No."
"A.J., please! Please, do it for me? I'll be so much better off knowing you're home, safe and comfortable." She took his hands and looked into his eyes. "Please, A.J.? I don't want to see you suffering here."
He sighed. "Fine, I'll go home. But call me if anything happens. Ok?"
"Don't worry, A.J. You'll be the first to know."
"Thanx."
She smiled then hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
"Take care. I love you, buddy."
That startled him a bit, but he nodded.
"Ditto."
"I'll drive you," volunteered Kevin.
"Thanx, old man."
"No problem."
Kevin dropped A.J. off at his house, where his mother was waiting.
"A.J.!" she exclaimed and ran to him. "I heard what happened! Oh God, poor Paula and Hoke!" She hugged him and was crying, also. I pray that he's alright!"
"Yeah, me too."
"I was so scared when I found out all of you were there! Oh my God, it could have been you!"
"It would have been if it wasn't for Howie."
She wiped the tears off her face with her hands.
"I know. Are you ok?"
"No."
"Of course. But he's going to be ok. We just have to have faith in God. Come on, let's go inside."
After they got inside the house, A.J. immediately started going upstairs.
"A.J., where are you going?"
"My room. I need some time alone. Please."
"Of course, honey. You want anything?"
"No thanks."
"Alright, well, tell me if you need anything."
"Thanks, mom. But I'm sure I'll be fine."
Denise nodded.
A.J. entered his room and plopped down on his bed.
'What the hell am I going to do for the next ten hours? No way am I going to sleep. Music.'
He popped in his All-4-One CD. The first song that came up was 'I'm Sorry.'
'Shit.'
He immediately changed it to 'I Swear.'
A.J. managed to stay up for seven consecutive hours, but you can't alternate human nature.
'Just a few more hours…' he kept telling himself. 'I have to stay awake for just a few…'
No use. The poor guy was snoring away in a matter of minutes.
"AAAAAAAJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ…"
A.J. thought he heard someone calling his name. But he ignored it, convinced that it was either the wind or just his imagination.
"A.J.!"
He heard it again. The voice sounded familiar, but he just stirred a little and continued sleeping.
"A.J.! Get your lazy ass out of bed!"
Now that caught his attention! His eyes flew opened. 'What?!'
There was silence for a moment. His eyes began adjusting to the dark. As soon as his vision cleared and he saw what or more like who had woken him up, he froze. He could hardly speak.
"B-b-but-you---how-what?!"
Sitting on the corner of A.J.'s bed was…Howie!
"Sorry, dude," he said grinning, "did I wake you?"
A.J.'s eyes widened then he led out a blood-curdling scream.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!"
"A.J.! Calm down! Jeez, what's your problem?!!!!"
"What the hell do you mean what's my problem?!!! You're, y-you're HERE! What are you doing here?!!!!"
"Well, don't I feel wanted! Fine, I'll leave!"
Howie started to get up and walk away.
"No, wait!"
Howie stopped and turned around.
"Hmmm?"
"I-uh, you-oh my God! Aren't you supposed to be-what are you doing here?"
"I came to see if you wanted to play a game of one-on-one." "It's the middle of the friggin' night!"
"So? That's never stopped us before! Besides, it's morning already."
A.J. glanced at his clock. He was right! It was 5:31 a.m.
"Shit!"
Howie was getting impatient.
"So you wanna play or not?!"
A.J. stared at him for a while. He certainly looked like Howie, talked like Howie, and acted like Howie! But it couldn't be! Could it?
"Hello?!"
A.J. snapped out of it.
"Yeah! Yeah, hold on! I gotta get dressed!"
"K. I'll wait for you outside. I don't wanna see your Mickey Mouse boxers!"
He bolted out of bed, but then thought…
"Wait a second! I don't wear Mickey Mouse box---"
He turned around, but Howie had already walked out of the room. He threw on some baggy jeans and a T-shirt. Then flew down the stairs and out the front door. He looked for Howie but Howie was no where to be found.
"Howie? Howie?"
All of a sudden, someone jumped in front of him. "BOO!!!"
"Ahhhhh!"
Howie was cracking up. "Oh my gosh! You should have seen the look on your face! It was priceless!"
"Shut up! That wasn't funny!"
"Yes it was!"
"Howard Dwaine Dorough, I'm going to beat the crap out of you!"
"No, no, no, save all that aggressiveness for the court!"
"I don't have to! I could whip yo ass anyway!"
"Oh, please. Don't make me laugh! Even if you do win, it's just because you have the advantage of being four inches taller than me!"
"Ha! I'd beat you even if I was four FEET shorter than you!"
"We'll see about that!"
"Huh, just bring it on, little dude!"
They ran to the nearest court, which was in the park, and began the game. They played for a whole hour, before deciding to call it a night-err-day. Whatever. Howie won by five points.
"Ha! In your face!"
"Hey, you only beat me by FIVE friggin' points!"
"So?! I still won! That proves you're just all talk, Boney Boy!"
"Kiss my ass! Oh wait! You can't reach my ass! Shorty!"
"Shut up!"
They continued to playfully tease each other for a few more minutes. A.J. totally forgot about 'the situation' and for a while actually thought that he was really just hanging out with his pal, D.
"Hey, D?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanx. I haven't had fun in a while."
"Me neither."
"Ok, then. See ya around. Bye."
He started walking off, but Howie stopped him.
"A.J., wait!"
"Yeah?"
Howie's usually bright, happy eyes were now solemn and looking at the ground.
"C-c-can you do me favor?"
"Sure. What is it?"
"You know where I keep the ring I wanted to give to Elena, right?"
"Yeah, top right drawer."
"Ok. Can you give it t-to her, please?"
"Uh, why can't you do it?"
"Please?"
A.J. was really confused, but Howie's eyes were so pleading.
"Ok. I will."
"Thanks."
"Um, Howie?"
"Yeah?"
It was A.J.'s turn to look at the ground.
"I'm sorry about everything I said that day. I didn't mean any of it, I swear."
Howie smiled sadly.
"I know."
"Good." "I, um, have something for you."
He took out a small, square piece of paper and handed it to A.J. It was a picture of the five of them in blue and white suits. Kevin and Nick were kneeling in the front, while A.J., Howie, and Brian were standing in back of them, smiling. A.J. looked at it puzzled.
"I don't remember this photo shoot."
"Don't worry, you will."
He stuffed it into his back pocket. Unexpectedly, Howie hugged him.
"Keep the Backstreet pride alive, bro."
That was the last thing A.J. heard from Howie, before a loud RING…woke him up.
A.J. looked around. He was still in his room. He was still in his bed.
"It was only a dream!" he said to himself as he sat up. "But it seemed so real!" Then, A.J. frowned. If it was only a dream, it meant that Howie was still in surgery. "Dammit."
Just then, Denise walked in, saying "Oh my God" over and over again and crying. A.J. just realized what that ringing was…the phone.
"Mom?"
She sat down next to her son.
"Oh, A.J., that was Elena on the phone from the hospital."
A.J. felt his heart beat faster and it became difficult for him to breathe.
"Mom?! What happened?!"
She hugged him and started bawling on his shoulder. "He didn't make it," she sobbed. "A.J., I'm so sorry, honey."
"What?! No! He was just-no!"
He quickly got up and totally lost it.
"Dammit! No! I'm going to kill that fuckin' bastard!" he shouted as he smashed the Backstreet Boys' debut album against the wall.
"A.J.! A.J., no! Calm down!" Denise tried to detain him, but he pulled himself free.
"Fuck off! I have to kill him! I have to kill him! I promised! I--" He broke down on his knees and held his head, trying not to pull his hair out. Denise embraced him. "I promised, I promised I would kill him," he sobbed in her arms.
"Shhh, baby. It's ok, it's ok. He's not going to suffer anymore," she repeated softly as she rocked him back and forth, stroking his head. They held each other for what seemed like forever. Finally Denise gently separated herself from his grasp.
"I-I-I have to c-call Paula and Hoke, ok? I'll be right back. I promise. Just hang in there."
He nodded, then she left, after taking one last reassuring look at him.
A.J. was left alone. Alone to think about what he would do now. He ran his fingers through his hair and then glanced at the pair of jeans that lay on his chair. They were the ones that he wore in his dream. He slowly and hesitantly made his way over to them and stuck his hand in the back pocket. He felt something in there. He pulled whatever was in there out and looked at it closely. It was the picture Howie had given him.
The news of Howie's death was all over the world in just a couple of hours. Millions of shocked and crying fans sent flowers, cards, poems, and pictures to the Doroughs and soon their whole block was filled with memories of their son.
The cold raindrops mixed with the hot tears of friends and family, creating warm droplets that splashed against the cold gray tombstone.
Howard Dwaine Dorough
August 22, 1973 - April 25, 1999
When all your dreams were coming true,
We were always there for you
Now you're gone, but you'll always have our love
And may you sing with the angels up above
A big storm was coming, so everyone had to leave soon. But not until they said their last good-byes. The ring that Elena was supposed to give Howie was embedded into his tombstone as a sign of their eternal love.
A.J. and Elena were the last to leave. They were the closest to Howie, besides his family, of course. They stood there, in front of the grave, for the longest time…with their wet hair plastered on their heads, the rain beating against their faces, and shivering from the wet cold and empty feelings that flowed throughout their bodies.
"A.J.?"
Elena spoke with no emotion in her voice.
"Yes?"
"Is this a bad dream?"
"Elena-"
"Lie to me."
A.J. looked at her. Her eyes were cold and grievous and you definitely could tell she was in pain, but she kept it from showing it in her voice. He held her hand.
"Yeah, this all just a bad dream. We'll wake up soon, happy and refreshed and eager to live out our perfect lives…and we'll see Howie everyday for the rest of our lives."
She was silent. He squeezed her hand and pulled her away from the site.
"C'mon, let's go," he said softly.
They walked to A.J.'s car. He was going to drop her off.
About half way there, A.J. just remembered something…the ring, the ring he had promised Howie he would give to Elena.
"Elena? Do you mind if we stopped somewhere?"
"No."
A.J. turned the corner and went back the other way.
"A.J., where are we going?"
He just kept on going until he reached the familiar street and parked in front of the house. The Doroughs' house. A single tear rolled down her cheek but she quickly wiped it away.
"A.J., w-w-why are we h-here?"
"Just come with me."
She hesitantly got out of the car and walked to the front door. Elena was trembling and A.J. rang the doorbell. John answered it.
”A.J. Elena."
"John."
They hugged him, gave him their sympathy, and entered. Everyone was sitting in the living room trying to comfort Paula. Hoke looked up and noticed A.J. and Elena standing there. He walked over to them. He embraced each of them, but didn't say a word.
"I'm sorry," whispered Elena as she let the tears escape.
"Me, too."
"I'd hate to bring this up, but when is the, um, trial?"
"Next Thursday."
"Oh. I'll be there."
"Thank you."
"Mr. Dorough?" asked A.J.
"Yes, A.J.?"
"You don't think it'll be-I mean you won't mind if we…" He couldn't bring himself to say it, so he pointed to the stairs.
"No…g-go ahead."
"Thank you."
He gently grabbed Elena's hand again and led her up the stairs, to Howie's empty room. It felt so strange. Elena felt like she was somehow intruding…invading his privacy. Her eyes wondered around the room. There were pictures of Howie and his family, the band, people she didn't recognize, and of her. But what really caught her attention was the golden framed photo of her and Howie, that night when they took that moonlit walk around the beautiful lake…the night when they said their first "I love you's."
She picked it up and stared at it. All the memories rushed back and were as vivid as if she had relived them. God, how much she missed him.
"Elena?"
A.J. was calling her. "Elena?"
She was brought back to reality and she turned around. He motioned for her to come here. She slowly walked over to him. He looked into her eyes.
"Elena, there's, um, t-there's something Howie wanted t-to give you, but never got the chance to."
He opened the top right dresser drawer and pulled something out. It was a small velvet-covered box. He gently handed it to her.
"Here."
She took it and just held it for a while. She was afraid of what she would find inside.
"You, um, should open it."
She looked up at A.J. and back down at the box. Finally, she slowly opened it.
"Oh my God," she gasped as she covered her mouth and stared at the
engagement ring. A.J. embraced her and let her cry on his shoulder.
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