~~**~~
I tried to get up this morning and go into the recording studio but it is too soon. Everytime I try to sing my voice cuts off as I think of not seeing Keavy's eyes watching me and her smile growing bigger with each note that I sing. The last album we released she was our mascot, our good luck charm. She would sit in the back of the room and cheer us on, some days she would bring Saffie with her and I swear between me singing to Keavy's belly and being in the recording studio that is the reason that Saffie conks out the minute she hears us sing.
The fellas have been wonderful, not pressuring me to get back into the studio until I am ready, mom O'Carroll and my my mom keep telling me that Keavy would kick my ass if she saw me cutting myself off from my music but right now it is too painful.
I dropped Saffie and Keegan off at Mrs. D's and I had every intention of packing up the rest of Keavy's clothes to send out to Goodwill but instead, here I am in front of the computer typing up my thoughts. I spent the good portion of the morning looking at out wedding pictures, letting the wonderful memories fill my senses and warm my heart.
~~**~~
"For the first time as husband and wife I would like to introduce Mr and Mrs Keavy and AJ McLean" I kissed Keavy "They are calling our names Mrs. McLean" and we walked into the huge white tent and took our place on the dance floor. The soft strains of The Way You Look Tonight filled the tent and Keavy smiled up at me as we danced our first dance. Her face radiated happiness and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop showering her with kisses.
"Yank you have made me so happy today, it feels like I am dancing on air" Keavy whispered as she ran her fingertips over my face.
I smiled and kissed her while I lifted her into my arms "I will never let your feet touch the ground baby"
~~**~~
"I have seen AJ fall in and out of love and move from one beatiful woman to the next but believe me when I tell you that the minute AJ sat in front of me at the pub in Ireland and told me he had met Keavy I knew I had lost my best friend, I knew he was crossing over to the dark side, the land of the married" I burst out, along with all of our guests, into laughter as Howie made his speech. "I spent many hours harping on him about getting too serious too fast but as time went on I saw that Keavy had the ability to make AJ entirely happy. She had this magical power of him that made him shine whenever he talked about her, that made him walk on clouds whenever he thought about her. She has made my best friend happier then I could have ever imagined and for that reason, today I welcome her into the Backstreet Boy family and proudly call her my best friend." I squeezed Keavy's hand as I felt her start to shake. "AJ and Keavy, may today be the worst day that you ever experience for the rest of your life" Howie lifted his glass and toasted us and once again my lips found their way to Keavy's.
~~**~~
One of my favourite pictures of our wedding day was taken as we were leaving. We had both changed into our going away clothes and the photographer had managed to catch an aura. We were about to get into the carriage that would take us to the old irish inn where we would spend our wedding night before heading off on a cruise, I am helping Keavy into the carriage and she is looking up at me with a look of complete and total bliss. It is the one that decorates the table beside my bed.
~~**~~
Keavy sqeauled as I swept her up into my arms and I carried her into our suite "Our fairy tale wedding would not be complete and proper if I didn't carry my princess over the threshold" I reasoned as I laid her on the bed.
We were both shaking at the knowledge that we would soon make love, give ourselves competly to each other for the first time. The guys would tease me if they knew that I was nervous at the thought of making love. I won't lie and say that I had never been with a woman before, in reality many women had graced the sheets of my bed but this was different. This was the woman who had stolen my heart, had pledged to spend the rest of her life with me. It would be a first for me, I would make love for the first time. The others had been sex, this would be love.
~~**~~
I can still rememeber the way her eyes lit up as I gently helped her out of her dress. The way her bare breasts rubbed up against my chest as we stood naked in the moonlight that shone from the window. I will never forget how close to heaven it felt when our bodies became one and she moaned my name softly and how after we lay spent in each other's arms she whispered to me that she knew we had just created another miracle. True to her belief Saffie joined our happy family nine months later, but I am getting ahead of myself..
We created history that day, our own piece of history.
The knocking on the door brings me back to the world I live reluctantly
in
now, the world without Keavy.
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