~~**~~
I can still remember how afraid I was, the cold air that chilled me to my broken bones, the anguished screams of lovers and friends screaming for their lost ones. I tried to comprehend what had happened. I tried to move but it was too painful, my head felt like it was no longer there and I actually reached up to make sure that it was indeed attatched to my shoulders. My right leg was splintered, and my ribs were aching. It felt like a ton of bricks were laying on my chest, making it close to impossible to breath without shallow swallows. All of a sudden I got frantic as I realised that Keavy was no longer beside me. Where was she? I still do not know where I got the strength from but I suddenly was filled with passion, strength of Hercules proportions and I crawled, ignoring the sharp pains, the light headness that I was feeling. I fought it all as I screamed for Keavy. "Emerald, KEAVY..." My voice was hoarse as I screamed for her. I stumbled across a woman, her body charred, begging me to find her husband. I felt the bile rise in my throat, the severness and the grotesque images overcoming me.
"KEAVY.... EMERALD" I was hysterical, I had to find her. I saw an overturned table and saw a delicate hand with a band that was identical to the one that was on my finger. "Baby" I dug down deep and managed to find the strength to overturn the table and my heart broke. My precious jewel, the woman I loved was wimpering, her eyes registering shock and disbelief. "Yyyyyank" she whispered. I sat down and pulled her into my arms, cradling her as I tried to rub her face clean of the grime and residue that painted it.
"Come on beautiful, look at me, I am here, Emerald" I rocked back and forth with her in my arms, my broken jewel in my arms. Her eyes never left my face and she didn't cry. Her eyes started to flutter and at that moment I knew, my beautiful irish jewel was going to leave me alone in the world, leave me to face the future without her by my side.
"Don't leave me, come on Emerald you have to see Keegan take his first steps, you have to see Saffie perform in her first celtic dance recital. No baby, we are going to grow old together, you and I and our house on the beach. BAby I love you, I found you here, on this mystical island but I am not leaving you here" I sobbed.
"Yank...my beautiful and strong Alex I love you, I loved you the first moment you walked into the bakery. I am leaving you with a piece of me. I will live on in our children, everytime they smile, I am smiling. My lifetime with you has been cut short but please promise me you will go on, you will survive and make our love a legacy for our children to pass on." Her voice sputtered, her voice cutting off.
"I promise, Emerald you have filled my life with love. I love you" I whispered.
"Our love, our love is forever Yank" and then her beautiful green eyes closed and left my face for the last time. When the rescue crew found me I was still cradling her and singing to her. They tried to pick me up and take me out of the bombed out building but I wouldn't leave without my emerald, my beautiful irish lass.
~~**~~
When the waves roll on over the waters
and the ocean cries
We look to our sons and daughters
to explain our lives
As if a child could tell us why
That sure as the sunrise
as sure as the sea
As sure as the wind in the trees
We rise again in the faces of our children
we rise agian in the voices of our song
We rise again in the waves out on the ocean
and then we rise again
When the light goes dark with the forces of creation
Across a stormy sky
We look to our reincarnation to explain our lives
As if a child could tell us why
That sure as the sunrise
as sure as the sea
as sure as the wind in the trees
We rise again in the faces of our children
We rise again in the voices of our song
We rise again in the waves out on the ocean
And then we rise again
I play that song every night before I fall asleep. Keavy had introduced me to a Canadian Celtic singing group comprised of 3 sisters and 2 brothers called the Rankin Family. They had the most haunting lyrics and their voices were like clear crystal. We had seen them 4 times in concert and they had become one of our favourite musical groups. I had fallen in love with Rise Again the first time I heard it. It summed up every thing I believed about our children. They were such a mixture of the two of us that even when we passed on, our smiles, our personalities would live on in and through them. Never had I thought that this would become my healing song so early in my married life.
~~**~~
I sat in the crowded and busy street. Rescue workers hauling charred remains of patrons who had moments before been holding hands, laughing over a pint with their friends and toasting their good fortunes. Now all that was left of the magical night was the stench of burnt flesh and dreams and loves lost.
"SIR...Sir I need your name, your identification so I can call a relative to pick you up from the hospital" The police officer touched my shoulder as I sat covered with a blanket, watching as they tended frantically to Keavy.
"AJ McLean, I am an american but my wife and I are on vacation with her parents. The O'Carrolls of Antrim" I saw the paramedic shake his head and they lifted Keavy into a black bag. "GODDAMN IT...NO..." I threw myself on her body "You can't zip her up, you can't put her in a bag like she is garbage. THIS IS MY WIFE, she is a mother, goddamn it I love her, she is the most beautiful and amazing woman, if you had of met her for one moment you would have been intranced with her like I am. Please, leave her alone, I will take of her." I broke into hysterical crying, my voice could hardly project the words I wanted so badly to convey to them. "Please. Just call her parents" I laid on her chest "Please baby wake up. PLEASE"
~~**~~
Keavy's mom fell to the street and screamed in anguish "Not my baby, dear god in heaven...NOooooooooooo" I watched her, unable to move, unable to share my grief with her. Her husband cradled her, his strong facial features crumbling into that of a father who had lost his only child and love of his life. They looked around and spotted me. "Alex....whhhhhhhhhy" she wailed again as she reached for me.
"I don't know, I don't know" My hand was still touching the face that I longed would flash me the infectious smile it once had. "Where are my children"
"With the McCranks. Come on son we need to get you to the hospital" Keavy's dad put his arm around me.
"I can't leave Keavy"
"You have to, she is gone, it won't help your injuries any to sit here in the cold surronded by this madness. Alex you have enough sorrow, you don't need to be around and experience other peoples" The paramedic put me on a stretcher and carried me to the ambulance.
"My wife, what is going to happen to her?"
"She will go to the morutuary with all the other corpses"
My rage, anger and sorrow lashed out at him and my fist connected to his face "She was a beautiful woman, DONT CALL HER A CORPSE..SHE HAS A NAME" I broke into sobs once again as I saw the young man cover his nose and call for help. "i am sorry, I am so sorry, Keavy how could I have let this happen to you..Keegan, Saffie, i killed your mother" My body was racked with sobs as they closed the door and started to pull away from the bombed out building. I saw them lift Keavy's body, her flaming red hair dragging the pavement. "It shouldn't have ended like this, our love was to special to end like this" I buried my face in my hands and cried.
~**~~
I don't know how long I sat on the strip of sand where Keavy and I had first proclaimed our love 4 years ago. I shivered, my casted leg resting in the sand, the water crashing against the moss covered cliffs. It seemed like only yesterday that keavy had kissed me and told me she wanted to come to Orlando with me. Now my angel was gone, taken from me at the age of 26, 3 months after the birth of our first son, a son who would never get to know the love that his mother had inside of her. He would never feel her smile fall on his face or her soft lips touch his skin. He would never hear her outragous laugh. Saffie had spent three years with her so, though they would be blurred and minimal, her memories would help her to remember her mother.
I played with the lifesavers that lay on the chain around my neck. I should have been at home, with my mom, my children and Keavy's parents planning her funeral but I was selfish. I needed to be near Keavy, near the memories that this place brings to me. I closed my eyes and I swore I could here her calling me Yank. How was I going to live without her.
"AJ" My best friend's voice interupted my thoughts and I cursed him.
"FUCK HOWIE...I said i wanted to be alone, I need to be with her"
"AJ you need your friends with you, we are here, we loved her too and we are hurting but we want to share your grief, we want to miss her as much as you do, to hurt as bad as you are but we can't. We need to be strong for you, we need to help you deal with the loss of an incredible woman. We want to be here to tell those 2 beautiful children how much their momma loved them and how special she was" Howie sat down beside me and laid his hand on my shoulder. "It's okay to cry Bone."
"It hurts so bad Howie, I miss her so bad"
"AJ you are going to always miss her, that's normal but you have to come back to the house, you need to be with all of us, you need to be with your children. Saffie is scared, she is walking around the house looking for Keavy and none of us know what to say to her. Bone she needs you"
~~**~~
I said little to Howie on the ride into the county. A long line of cars were parked in the farmhouse laneway. People milled about, crying and hugging. I hung my head and walked past them. The last thing I needed was someone to say something and set me off.
"Baby" My mother walked over to me but I held up my hand to keep her away. I saw Saffie crouched in a corner holding her Miss Mew doll and I walked over, picked her up and walked into the back room where Keegan was lying in the playpen. I cradled the two of them in my arms, rocking back and forth, crying and kissing them. "She loved you both so much, She loved you so much" I whispered through my tears. I lifted my head and met my mother's eyes, she was standing in the doorway, her face streaked with tears as she watched me cradle my children. My eyes must have given her the answer she needed for she closed the door and left me alone with the miracles that Keavy and my love had created.
~~**~~
"Sir, I am about to close the casket, would you care to say goodbye one last time?" I squeezed my mother's hand and followed the undertaker into the room. The tears instantly started to fall the minute I walked into the room and saw how peaceful Keavy looked, layed out in the coffin. Her red curls resting on the white satin pillow. We had chosen her emerald green dress for her to be buried in. Her wedding band decorated her finger and the lifesavers on the chain hung around her pale neck. I had slipped the yellow lifesaver off of it and hung it around my neck, a reminder that I had broken the most serious promise I had made to her. To protect her. I had broken that rule and now she was dead. I slipped the last family picture we had taken into her palm, kissing her rigid hand as I laid in back on her chest. "I love you Emerald, from now until the end of time I will love you. I promise that I will spend eternity telling our babies how much you loved them, how special their momma was." I rested my head on her chest and said a prayer to god, to the superior being, begging them to make me wake up from this nightmare, begging them to let Keavy open her eyes and tease me for being so gullable. All I wanted was to hear her call me Yank and flash me her smile that made me melt.
"We have to close the casket sir"
"I love you emerald, you were my saviour, my beautiful irish lass"
~~**~~
I clutched Saffie and Keegan closely to my chest as we followed Keavy's casket into the old country church. The media and fans had been kept at bay. It was an international story, not only the senseless IRA bombing but Keavy's death. It had covered every majoy newspaper for the past 3 days.
The church was where Keavy had been baptised and the priest was her childhood priest. The pallbearers, made up of childhood friends and Howie, Kevin, Nick and Brian sat her casket at the front of the church and placed my favourite picture of Keavy on her casket. It was one we had taken on the day we kissed the Blarney Stone. Keavy was flashing her smile, her cheeks rosy, her eyes shining and her hair was blowing in the wind. She looked so happy, so alive in the picture.
"Daddy, that's momma" Saffie whispered as she pointed to the picture.
"Yes baby it is" I kissed her forehead and grabbed Margaret's hand as the priest began mass.
~~*~~
" I can still hear AJ whining about going to Ireland, he whined all the way there. Let me tell you the last thing I thought he was going to do was fall in love. I was betting he would die of boredom before finding his soulmate. But he proved me wrong.
I remember his face when he told me he had met someone, his voice changed subtly when he talked about her but I knew at that instant that he was a man in love.
The first time I met Keavy I was enthralled with her. Her love of life exuded from her and she instantly put me at ease. She was one in a million and I thank god every night that she graced my life and filled my best friend's with such love and happiness." Howie broke into tears and as he walked from the alter he stopped and hugged me tight. "I love you buddy"
~~**~~
I held onto my mother's hand for dear life as Keavy's favourite song filled the church. The eerie sounds of Danny Boy echoed as we followed her casket out. I could see that Howie and Nick were crying so hard that they were having a hard time carrying her casket. We were taking her back to the funeral parlour and the next morning I was flying home with her body. We held the funeral in her old home and she was being buried in her new home, America.
~~**~~
They say mother earth is breathing
With each wave that finds the shore
Her soul rises in the evening
For to open twilight's door
Her eyes are the stars in heaven
Watching o'er us all the while
And her heart it is in Ireland
Deep within the Emerald Isle
We are forty against hundreds
In someone else's bloody war
We know not why we're fighting
Or what we're dying for
They will storm us in the morning
When the sunlight turns the sky
Death is waiting for its dance now
Fate has sentanced us to die
Ireland I am coming home
I can see your rolling fields of green
And fences made of stone
I am reaching out won't you take my hand
I'm coming home Ireland
Oh the captain he lay bleeding
I can hear him calling me
These men are yours now for the leading
Show them to their destiny
And as I look up all around me
I see the ragged tired and torn
I tell them to make ready
cuz we're not waiting for the morn
Ireland I am coming home
I can see your rolling hills of green
and fences made of stone
I am reaching out won't you take my hand
I am coming home Ireland
Now the fog is deep and heavy
As we forge the dark and fear
We can hear their horses breathing
As in silence we draw near
There are no words to be spoken
Just a look to say goodbye
I draw a breath and night is broken
As I scream our battle cry
Ireland I am coming home
I can see your rolling hills of green
And fences made of stone
I am reaching out won't you take my hand
I am coming home Ireland
I am home Ireland
That song still haunts me. I heard it on the radio coming back from her funeral and it rocked me to the core. She had fought her battles in America, made a name for herself and found happiness only to come back to her beautiful home country and be killed by her own people. Life had the weirdest way about it.
~~**~~
I laid down on the freshly covered grave, my head pressed to the ground, hoping to hear her voice. Everyone had left the burial servce hours before. My mother had taken Saffie and Keegan to her house, hugging me and telling me not to stay too late. I couldn't bear to leave Keavy there, alone, in the cold, damp ground. I cried, cried for the loss of my wife and my one true love.
~~**~~
"Momma, Momma" Saffie woke up screaming in the darkness for Keavy. It was going into our second week without Keavy and not a night had gone by that Saffie didn't wake up drenched with tears and sweat calling for her. I tried to crawl out of bed and go to her but I couldn't. I curled back up in bed and held onto the picture of Keavy and cried. I heard my mother walk down the hall and comfort my daughter as she cried, my mother was doing the job I should have been doing, but I was not yet ready.
~~**~~
It was on the 21st day of being a widower that things changed. Howie and Nick stormed into my room and dragged me out of bed. I stunk, my face was covered in a coarse beard and my eyes were hollow, devoid of the life and light that had filled them when I was with Keavy.
"You can't do this Bone, your daughter thinks you are gone. She cries all the time for you and Keavy. She already lost her mother, don't let her lose her father." Nick screamed. "Get out of bed and start living"
"I can't, it hurts to bad to move on. I can't face the prospect of living in a world without her. She made me who I am, without her I am nothing" Howie grabbed my face and shoved it into the picture frame "Look at those 2 beauitful children...YOU ARE NOTHING? You are one inconsiderate bastard. You are their father and they need you to start acting like one. They need you to show them how to move on."
I started to sob but Howie shook my shoulders "Yo have cried too much, you have been mourning for too long. Goddamn AJ I know you loved her but she would hate this, she would hate to see you locked up in a room waiting to die. You have so much to live for."
~~**~~
"Daddy" Saffie ran smiling into my arms.
"Hi princess" I hugged my daughter tight and I felt Keavy smiling down on us. "That a boy Yank" she whispered to me from the heavens.
~~2 years later~~
"Reunited Backstreet Boys On Top Again"
In the music business 2 years of virtual seclusion and privacy can kill your career but for the Backstreet Boys it was time that they needed. Some of them got married, others recorded solo albums, but for one Backstreet Boy he started living again.
AJ McLean lost his beloved wife, Keavy, 2 years ago in the bombling of a pub in Belfast. Left to raise his two infant children alone, without his "Soul mate" McLean had to battle depression and lonliness. But today he is back on top of the pop charts and on top of his life. His beautiful daughter Saffron, Saffie for short is a lively 5 year old who McLean says is the exact image of his late wife. His 2 year old son Keegan is chubby and energetic and interrupts our interviews with many a request for his daddy to play ball with him.
When asked what bouyed him to return to the group McLean, his eyes tearing up replied "My wife was full of life, she lived every day with a smile and a heart full of fun. It would have killed her to see me ignoring our children and turning my back on the one thing that was a constant in my life, my music. I woke up one day last summer and just decided that I was sick of being sad all the time. I sat down and talked with my children and with my in laws and they all expressed excitement and pride that I was returning to the recording studio. Every note I sing on this album is for my emerald and I know that far up in the green grass and crystal blue waters of heaven she is swelling with pride and dancing her heart out to the music."
Asked if he will return to the dating scene McLean looked lovingly at
his
children "I had my one miracle, my one true love. Now I am in love
with my
children. That's my new desire, my new role in life. I am Saffie and
Keegan's dad. My miracle is in heaven and one day we will have our
eternity,
for now my children are my life"
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