It was the ringing of the telephone that woke AJ the next morning. He groaned and burrowed deeper under the blankets, hoping if he ignored it, the caller would give up. But still it rang, loud and insistent. v"Okay, okay," he mumbled, as he emerged from the warm cocoon of his blankets. "Geez, you'd think people-." He stopped suddenly, the ringing of the phone forgotten as he surveyed the empty bed. "Marit," he called, looking around. There was no answer. He frowned and rose from the bed, wondering where she had gone. Walking out into the hallway, he called out her name again. And again received no answer. He walked back into the room, wandering into the bathroom. Suddenly, he halted. Taped to the mirror was a plain piece of paper, folded in half. With a sinking feeling in his heart, he reached over and gently removed it, flipping it open to read its contents.
Dear AJ,
As I sit here in the moonlight and watch you sleep, I have come to realize two things. One, that maybe, possibly, there is such a thing as love, and two, that I must go. The melodrama of this situation has not escaped me, but I know if I were to wait until morning, I would find it too difficult to express how I feel as well as my reasons for leaving. And I know you would plead with me to stay, which would be the worst thing for the both of us. So instead, I am writing you this letter, which seems so horribly impersonal, and like a thief, I will steal away in the night, hoping not to wake you. I am so very sorry.
We're not meant to be, AJ, and I know you know the truth behind that statement. You need someone who can love you unconditionally, who won't jump at her own shadow, who won't pick apart and over-analyze every thing you say and do. Someone with the self-confidence to match yours. I'm damaged goods, and I am not what you need. I need time to heal, to regain control of my life, to repair the mistakes I've made. I need to be on my own.
You asked me what I think love is. I have an answer for you now. Love is a 12-step program, a means of cleansing your heart and soul of all your emotional and mental addictions. Of extracting all those bad habits we fall prey to and renewing ourselves. Unfortunately, I've only just discovered the first step. I have a long way to go. I ask for forgiveness, from God, from you, from those I've hurt, but mostly, from myself.
Thank you for all you've done for me.
Marit
It was funny, he knew exactly what it was before he opened it. He could have spared the few extra minutes, the words she had written were exactly what he had expected her to say. He had read the letter with his heart in throat, but now, when that bolt of pain should have shot through him and left him agonizing, he felt nothing. Not sadness, loss, or despair; not happiness, elation or relief. Curiously, he felt empty, as though instead of blood flowing through his veins and into his beating heart, he had only air, this vast black hole that stretched forever but yet was confined to his chest. He looked down at the letter again, noting with detached curiosity, that there were ripples randomly strewn across the paper. Teardrops, he realized. She had been crying when she wrote it. He had no tears to shed.
"So, wait, you woke up the next morning, and she's just gone?" Howie asked. AJ shrugged, picking up his glass and taking a sip from it. He turned in his seat to survey the diner.
"Poof after midnight, I suppose," he said. Howie looked at him closely.
"You seem pretty okay with this," he ventured.
"It's not like I knew her that long," AJ said. "I mean, it was kind of weird, you know?"
"I don't know, AJ, you seemed completely taken by her."
"Well, I guess I heal easily," AJ replied. "So anyway, what's on the agenda?"
"Um, well," Howie started, a little taken back by the sudden change in subject. "Just working on the new album and rehearsal, I guess. For Rosie. I guess we need to decide what we're singing."
"Yeah? Cool, let's so meet the guys then."
AJ and Howie walked into the studio, where Kevin, Nick and Brian awaited them.
"Hey, guys, sorry we're late, you know traffic," Howie apologized.
"No problem. Let's get down to work, then?" Kevin suggested.
"Hey, AJ, where's the chick?" Brian asked. "You scare her away already?"
"Her name's Marit," AJ responded tightly, "and she's not here. Is that okay with you?"
"Geez, I'm just playing," Brian responded, throwing his hands up in mock surrender. "Chill out."
"Whatever, let's just do this, okay?"
"AJ," Howie started.
"Look, let's just work on this thing. I really don't have time to sit here and analyze my love life."
"Fine, whatever."
The five of them worked most of the day, hashing out details and possibilities. AJ was relieved that no other mention was made about Marit. He knew the others were dying of curiosity, but they knew better than to ask. And he had no intentions of telling them more than they needed to know.
"Oh, hey, AJ," Brian asked, breaking him out of his reverie, "weren't you working on a song?"
"What?" AJ replied. "Oh, yeah, but it's not ready yet." Brian raised an eyebrow.
"It's not ready? It's a song, not rocket science," he responded. AJ opened his mouth to reply angrily but Nick cut him off.
"Can we hear what you have?" he asked. "Maybe we can help you out?"
AJ shook his head.
"It's not ready yet," he repeated.
"Well, if you want it to be on this next album, we need a rough cut really soon," Kevin said.
"Yeah, I know, don't worry about it," AJ replied. Kevin shrugged.
"Well, how about Rosie's show?" he asked the group.
"Let's just do 'Show me the Meaning,'" Howie suggested.
"Or we could do something older," Nick offered.
"Naw," Brian said. "I'm sick of the old stuff."
"How about something new off the album? 'The One'?" Kevin asked.
"That could work," Brian said.
"Hey, AJ, what do you think?" Howie asked him.
"Whatever you guys decide," AJ responded, absent-mindedly.
"Hey, are you even with us?" Kevin asked.
"What? Yeah, I'm here. Actually, you know what, I really need to go, okay?" AJ said, standing up.
"But we haven't decided on a song yet," Kevin protested. AJ shrugged.
"You guys decide, I don't really care." He headed towards the door, before pausing and turning around. "How about a cover?" he suggested, before walking out of the room.
AJ walked into his house, his thoughts racing. He stared at the phone for a few minutes, waging an internal war, before he picked it up and dialed information. "Hi, I'd like the number for Emory University," he spoke into the phone.
~~~~~
Marit sat on the bus, staring out of the window, watching the scenery go by, but not really paying attention. Her thoughts were a hundred miles back, still in Orlando.
"Did I make the right decision?" she asked herself, speaking aloud softly.
"What's that, dear?" the woman in the seat next to her asked, turning to look at her. Marit looked over and blushed.
"I'm sorry, I was talking to myself out loud," she apologized.
"No need to apologize," the woman said. "I do that all the time. But usually, only when I have a problem I need to work out. Is something bothering you?" Marit shook her head.
"Um, not really." The woman smiled at her.
"Are you sure? Because it helps to talk it out with someone," she replied. "I'm Susan, by the way. I'm heading home to Miami."
"I'm Marit," she responded, charmed by the warmth in the older woman's eyes. She sighed. "Well, I guess I do have a problem. I think I just made a really big mistake."
"Well, is it reversible? Can you go back and fix it?"
"I'm not really sure. I think so. But I don't know if I should. It might be better this way."
"You know, things have a way of working themselves out, regardless of what we say or do. What may not make much sense now will be clearer later. Whatever you did, it may not seem right to you at this moment, but you had a reason for it right? I'm sure it was a good reason, and the correct decision. And if not, you're young, you can start fresh."
"Yeah, I guess so," Marit responded. "I wish it were so easy. I just seem to have really crappy luck." Susan smiled.
"Well, of course it isn't easy. That's what life is all about. But you know what they say, whatever doesn't kill you will only make you stronger."
"I suppose that's true," Marit responded, smiling slightly. "You know, you're right. This does feel right. Thank you."
"You're welcome," Susan responded. "So, what are you heading to Miami for?"
"Well, to start my life anew, I think," Marit, replied. "First to find a hotel, second to find a job."
"A job? Doing what?"
"Well, preferably in computers, but right now, I'd even waitress."
"Well, looks like your luck's changing for the better, sweetie. I
just happen to own an Internet consulting company. I might be able to
help you out."
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