"Carlon, you're wanted in makeup." Freddie stuck his head in my dressing room door, to rush me along. Two weeks of shooting, and I was finally comfortable with being on the set.
"Freddie," I stopped him. He opened the door again and walked in. I stood from the stool in front of the vanity and brushed a lock of hair from my face. I reached into a drawer and pulled out a little polaroid of me and AJ. "This is...um...AJ." I pointed to him.
"Is that your boyfriend?" Freddie asked me. I didn't answer. "Is this the friend?" He looked into my eyes.
"I left him." Freddie pushed himself onto the vanity and motioned for me to sit down on the stool. "He proposed, and I left him."
"So, you don't want to marry him?" Freddie asked.
"No, I do want to marry him. I want to marry him more than anything. I just...don't want to screw up somewhere down the line."
"Carlon, screwing up is what makes a relationship perfect." He told me with a smile. "Tell me something, Carly, do you love this guy?"
"Yes." I quickly answered.
"Then suck it up and move on. You can't live in the past forever."
"What are you talking about?" I arched my eyebrow.
"Carlon...you have to start thinking about your future. You can't ignore what happened to your parents, but you can't keep living in this place where you're so undecided. Where one day you're going to ignore it and the next day you want everyone to protect you from what happened. It's not your fault, and they would want you to be happy." Freddie hopped off the counter.
"Freddie...AJ makes me happy." I looked down. "I just don't know why I left." I felt Freddie's arms go around my shoulders. I stood up and left him pull me into a hug.
"Because you're afraid." He told me. "Now, come one. We're shooting in five." Freddie left me to dry my tears.
Never a day passed that Freddie didn't come knocking on my door at precisly 8:30 am to hurry me into makeup. And every morning I was sitting on that same stool staring at a picture of me and AJ. I'd quickly put the picture away, check my hair, wipe away any excess tears, and swing open the door with a smile. Freddie always knew that my smile was just painted, and that inside I was dying. He understood. He never questioned it. He just stood there by my side, and guided me through the day. Just like AJ always did. It was weird not having him around anymore. I needed him.
It was day six of working on the set of Kevin Williamson's latest. I sat at my mirror, holding the picture. The one I kept hidden in my drawer. AJ's cheek was pressed against mine and we were both puckering up for the camera. I'm sure Layla took it. She was always camera happy. I heard the oh so familiar knock at my door. I took my time putting away the picture. "You look fine, Carly." I told myself admiring what Hollywood was turning me into. The knock came again. "I'm coming, Freddie." I said checking my hair once more. He knocked again. I slung the door open. "I said I was..." I stopped when I saw him. He was beautiful as ever. In case you haven't caught it...it wasn't Freddie on the other side of that door.
"Hi." AJ said, biting his bottom lip. He seemed nervous. I wanted to reach out and grab his hand. I wanted to comfort him. I couldn't though. I was what was hurting him.
"What do you want?" I asked pushing past him and into the hallway. My back was to him.
"We could get through this if you weren't being such a bitch to me." AJ bluntly told me. I stopped. He was exactly right. As always, he was right. I couldn't argue. I slowly turned around, seeing in his eyes that he regretted saying what he said.
"You're right, AJ. I'm sorry." I looked deep in his eyes. I saw his eyes filling up with tears. My heart was hurting so bad. It was all my fault. AJ...the strongest man alive was on the verge of tears because I had hurt him. He started to reach out and touch me, but he pulled away. That hurt me even more.
"I love you." He said almost in a whisper. A tear slid down his cheek. "I have always loved you. I always will love you, and nothing can ever change that, Carlon Cole. Maybe we're not meant to be together in your eyes, but in mine...and in the rest of the world's we are." He brushed my cheek and I looked down. "Maybe you do love me, and you just can't say it. Or, maybe you really don't love me anymore...and all that we ever had was just a joke. A joke like every other thing I've ever felt for someone. If it was a joke, a lie, Carlon...you're a wonderful actress. Congratulations, baby...you get the oscar for 'Most Convincing Performance'." He pulled his hand from my face. "The bus is waiting for me." He said, the both of us trying to regain our strength. "We've got that European tour. Eight months." He reminded me. "If you will just look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me anymore, I'll forget about you, Carly. But, until you can do that I will never let you go." I looked up at him.
"I can't be with you now, AJ." I closed my eyes to try and hold back my tears. AJ nodded.
"Goodbye, Carlon." AJ turned from me. He was gone. Again. I lost him. He was there, and I could have had him, but I let him go. When I turned around, again I was surprised at who I saw.
"Brian." I choked out. He pulled me into his arms. I couldn't say anything. I just cried and cried and cried. He stroked my hair and rocked me back and forth.
"I love you, cuz." He told me.
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