Cherise Corneille logged onto her email account and found the usual 40 messages that flooded her inbox overnight. She sighed realizing that it was about time she splurged on a laptop for home. She spent nearly half an hour of her day reading and answering her list serve messages before she could reply to anything her friends or family might have sent. It was the reason she ventured into the office an hour early every morning.
As usual, this day she sorted through the regular messages then scanned through the various fan fictions. She was an avid reader and keeping tabs on some of the stories had become an obsession. She even wrote stories herself – most starring her favorite musical group, the Backstreet Boys.
Cherise often shared her own stories with other fans. Several of her writings were hosted by her friend Monica at her fan website as well as other places on the information superhighway. Of course, after Monica and Cherise’s other friend Angela, the first to receive a new chapter was a group of close to 80 fans that called themselves the Howie Hootchies. She was a proud member. After all, the list boasted some of the best writers on the internet and it was a perfect forum for Cherise’s works, which usually featured Howie in the leading role.
As she poured through the latest fan fiction chapters, she discovered one of her favorite writers had updated "Because of You." She smiled once more at the title, contemplating the irony. The author, only known as D.H., had picked a 98 Degrees song as inspiration for a Backstreet story.
Cherise found that she was once again touched by D.H.’s writing. In the story, Howie seemed so very real. His character was always forced to battle with loneliness and an almost eternal – though mostly subconscious - lack of self-worth. He had finally found the one woman who treated him as a person rather than a celebrity, but he felt guilty because he didn’t feel worthy of such a love.
*~*~*
Cherise finished the latest installment and was forced to swallow the lump in her throat. It seemed the author often hit close to home. She had at one time struggled with similar feelings. She clicked the compose message button and began to write a personal note to D.H. before she was interrupted by Tinkerbell-like chimes.
"Instant message from Fracksangel. Are you available?" the screen read. Cherise clicked yes.
Fracksangel: Hey, Cher, what’s up?
DsSparky: Just reading my email. Did you read D.H.’s latest chapter on the Hootchie list?
Fracksangel: Yeah. Great Story.
DsSparky: I’m just sending some feedback. What are you up to?
Fracksangel: Getting set to go home.
Cherise glanced at her watch. 9 p.m. in Orlando meant 6 p.m. in Oregon where Angela lived and worked as a clinical pharmacist.
DsSparky: Ang, what you are doing there this late?
Fracksangel: Hey, it’s still early. J I had to get my patient notes together.
DsSparky: You need Nickolas Carter to ride in on his white horse.
Fracksangel: I won’t expect that anytime soon. Doing any writing on that new Howie story tonight?
DsSparky: Is that a hint? I’ve got some ideas.
Fracksangel: Oh?
DsSparky: You know I won’t divulge any secrets…you have to wait until it’s on paper.
Fracksangel: Not even for me?
DsSparky: What? It isn’t enough that you get the stories before anyone else?
Fracksangel: Thought I’d try.
DsSparky: Such an angel. I can see your halo sprouting into devil’s horns right now.
Fracksangel: LOL. You know me too well.
The two friends finished their conversation a few minutes later. Cherise was able to send her email to D.H. and answer some of the other list messages before channeling what remained of her energy and creativity into her latest story, a short piece that focussed on Howie and his status as a member of Backstreet. She planned to use various song lyrics to set the mood for each chapter and started with Mindi Abair’s "Always and Never the Same". The song gave the story its title and its lyrics led off the first chapter.
sometimes i wake up from a restless dream
holding on to nothing just like it was everything
breaking down again
laughing till the end
wondering when i'll ever have enough smiling through
the pain
and still this heart remains
while everything changes
and i am
and you are
and we are
always and never the same
Cherise shut her eyes allowing her mind to shift its focus to the music from the Boyzone cd she had slipped into her stereo. Often she had to break from her story because of the emotions that surrounded the telling about a man’s insecurities – even if they were imagined in her mind. She just became so involved with her characters that it was mentally exhausting.
After a brief moment of reflection, she returned to the words illuminating from the computer screen and re-read the last line before continuing to type:
The Backstreet Boys were a musical group – first and foremost. Nick Carter. A.J. McLean. Kevin Richardson. Brian Littrell. Howard Dorough. They were distinct individuals off stage. On stage, the five men became a team. No egos. No who’s better than who.
Howie did believe that, but he was still fully aware of the painful punch his self-esteem endured.
Cherise heard the cd switch and Howie’s voice whispered, "Sometimes being on the road is rough…especially the loneliness…"
Loneliness. Thinking about what she had written and
what she had read from D.H. earlier, she wondered
about Howie and how true the statement might be.
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