I remember everything. Every single solitary detail of that positively horrid day. Oddly enough, the weather was beautiful. It was one of those calm, sunny days when the skies are radiant and clear. I remember feeling strangely unaffected considering the events of the day. If I let my mind wander, I can still remember the deafening and discomfiting silence which unnerved me much more than the sight before my eyes. Forget about pins dropping, I can still hear the eerie creak of the casket closing. I said my final goodbye to the only person I ever thought had, would or could love me.
For a situation of such depth, my parting words were surprisingly simple, “Goodbye, Daddy, I’ll love you always.” As the elementary yet profound expressions of parting left my mouth, I was overcome with a flood of emotions like I had never felt before. Even as they receded, I was left with the distinct impression that I would never feel anything at all ever again.
Yet, for the second time in my life, I’m drowning in a sea of emotions. In fact, for the past two years, I’ve been made to feel more than I ever thought possible. It was unimaginable in my eyes to give so much of myself to another and to have those gifts returned in full measure. That anyone could love me at all was a revelation all its own. After my mom died I went on this search to ‘find myself.’ For as long as I consciously searched for what made me an individual completely separate from any other, I came up empty. Then I decided that the best way to find myself would be to just live my life doing things that made me happy. And eventually, I found success. To this day I am amazed at how life is uncomplicated and intricate all at once. You don’t quite discover yourself till you’ve carved out this reputation, this niche for yourself.
And that was when I found him. Granted, I still had unresolved
pain
and issues that I had either knowingly or subconsciously pushed beneath
the
surface, but I was essential happy with who I was and proud of who I
had
become. He’s always telling me that it was the air of self-assurance
that I
possessed that had caught his eye in the first place. He has done so
much
for me since then. His faith in me forces me to believe in myself.
His
love for me forces me to love myself. His concern for me forces me to
care
about myself. His contagious smile forces me to laugh even when I’m
down.
He dances like a dream. The sound of his heartbeat is my favorite
lullaby.
His kisses are the sweetest ever. He’s romantic. He calls just to say
hi.
He adores his mother. He listens when I talk. He speaks like he
actually
went to school. He does windows. He snores. He’s way too optimistic.
He
sneezes loud. He can’t cook to save his life. He sings in the shower.
He
always forgets to rewind videos after he finishes watching them. He
works
too hard. He never remembers to put the seat down. And I love him.
For
every virtue and every flaw, I love him. Which is exactly why I look
him in
the eyes and say the words an entire audience has been holding their
breath
for, “I do.”
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