Reponse to Reader Complaint
Jaded has recently received a letter from someone expressing concern about the subject matter of THE PANTS website and some of the more colourful exploits of THE PANTS Mistress and her minions.
As this section is a serious confidential reply to a legitimate (although completely ill-advised and in general a hideous mockery of a) complaint from a valued peruser, Jaded asks that everyone read this carefully so as to enable you to publically humiliate this individual should it be necessary.
Att: Disgruntled Anal Retentive Peruser
Re: Disgusting Satanic PANTS
Dear Peruser,
Your concern for Jaded's mental health and the collective welfare of THE PANTS Minions and their eternal souls was so touching and your argument so valid and persuasive that I felt it only fair to respond personally...But first...let me close the gates of hell behind me; the din from Jeff tormenting all those poor souls makes it real hard to concentrate.
First off-It's called a sense of humour. Yours is severely impaired or perhaps missing in general---toss the combination food processor/clock radio/telephone/dog neutering machine for change and buy a new one!
Secondly-As per your amateur psychoanalysis of Jaded, while fairly accurate you missed the point. You're right, Jaded is apparently well-adjusted, sane, and in general someone that Mark could take home to his mommy, which is precisely why she pounces fiercely on any opportunity to ridicule the band as if it were David in a black feather boa.
Finally-Jaded reserves the right to employ sarcasm, exaggeration, and/or fictionalize the adventures of THE PANTS and anyone associated in any way she sees fit. After all this is her page-not yours-and if you want useful information about the band or a platform for your pathetic whining you can write moist@cnw.com...although I wouldn't expect an answer! Besides, even the most depraved rantings of Jaded are innocuous compared to Dr. Love's exploits, which are most certainly far too depraved to mention in polite conversation with the Queen. But, if you are still searching for kindred spirits try Stan, he and his flashlight are buckets of fun at a party, and if you pool all your resources and prodigious intellects I'm sure you can make a serious go at searching out and destroying humour and sarcasm wherever Dave may drop his pants..uh, i mean wherever they may drop their pants in an effort to make the world safe for blandness and mediocrity once again.
To recap...Jaded is joking and if it's not a joke it's probably an outright lie. After all she is a simple PANTS Mistress not a travelling etiquette seminar and the fine print on her Moist Fan Club card gives her two very clear choices-Either follow the golden path of sarcasm and irreverence (after all, Kev can get away with it) or get badly strung out on really heavy drugs...yes, ok Jaded has done that but it was for medical reasons!
Jaded feels she has made the right choice because....
- You can never laugh too much at any member of Moist, their exploits, or their pathetic lack of any kind of a wardrobe to speak of,
- No border guard (read: amateur proctologist) in the world will prescribe a cavity search for Mark simply because Jaded keeps talking about it,
- And as far as Jaded knows no one has ever been thrown in stir or hunted down by an angry mob armed with torches and pitchforks just trying to be amusing (and maybe slightly irreverant).
In closing-thanks for your contributions, any further compaints can be forwarded to the Apologies and Penitent Supplication Department...Have a nice day!
