A Walk Inside My Head

i'm tall 
god gave me green eyes
but sometimes they're blue 
i guess whatever fits his fancy
i used to be short and fat
and got teased a lot by the neighbor
instead of getting sad
i got even
did all i could to prove him wrong
and i did
once an ugly duckling
now a swan
my legs are weird
when i was little i had skinned knees a lot
so now they're scarred
i don't like to show them
so i wear long things
people tell me i'm dark when i'm in all black
that my heart must be as dark as my skirt
i have a problem with pretty girls
i don't like them
the pretty girls that know they're pretty
are the worst of all
the girls that wear little skirts
and tiny shirts
and laugh like he's the funniest person ever born
those girls have no self respect
they just want someone to tell them they're great
and not for their beauty
the same applies to the beautiful men in this world
the fabios and antonio sabato jr.'s
those men are so proud of being pretty
that they don't look pretty to me
the best kind of person is the plain girl
the one that knows that she's not beautiful externally
but she has a nice personality
and ears to listen to you no matter what
the best kind of person is the plain boy
the skinny quiet boys that are in the library a lot
the kind that cry at movies
and laugh at your jokes
the kind that aren't beautiful on the outside
but are a sterling rose inside
i drink lots of mt. dew
i think it calms my nerves
caffine
i know it's not good for me
but it's better than alchol, right?
sometimes i cry for no reason
but sometimes i cry for a reason
maybe because i'm sad
or miss abe
or great grandpa
or just miss someone that is gone until heaven comes
but sometimes it's because i think about what i've done
and who i've done things to
i regret some of the things i say
i don't think sometimes before i speak
and i know i hurt people
but i don't know how to fix it once it's said
sometimes i regret relationships
the stupid things i did for people i didn't love
lied to myself and thought that i cared
but really never did
sometimes that makes me cry
but sometimes
i just break down at night
like when i watch a feed the children commercial
or a sad love songs of the 80's commercial
or when i remember things from years ago
that i know i can't change
i'm not emotional
at least i don't think i am
only a few people really know me
and i don't think i'm one of them
some people think i'm cold and stiff
that my heart is selfish and bitter
i'm really not selfish
but scared that i'll get hurt again
i don't like being like this
i don't like being talked about behind my back
then told later on by one of the talkers
i don't like not smiling at old friends
i think sometimes that i'm really hated by everyone
so i don't see a need to grace a person with a smile
i like my smile
when i was short and fat
when puberty hit me hard
i had bad teeth
a big fat gap like david letterman
i got braces that hurt 
i've had friends that have hurt me
family too
never physical pain
but far worse
emotional
being ugly was hard to endure
it's not right for your best friend
to look down on you
tell you you're unworthy
and pointless
that no one will ever love you
because you wear that red shirt
it made me wonder
and think 
and ponder
maybe i am pointless
and unworthy
hey, me, maybe she's right
then i woke up and saw that she had the problem
she needed help
how much
i'm not sure
but i knew that i couldn't give it to her
i haven't seen her for almost a year
i heard she has a boyfriend
and a record deal
i hope she's happy
just like i am
being me
the me i always wanted to be
someday i'm getting some more holes in my body
an eyebrow ring, tongue ring and navel pierced
my mom about died when i told her of my dream
she forbade me
but she can't stop me when i'm gone from here
a while ago i pierced my own navel
it hurt like nothing i've ever experienced before
i only left it in for a few hours
then it swelled up and i took it out
i think next time someone else will do it for me
i want a tongue ring
to sit and play with when i'm bored
i think it looks amazing
i watch jerry springer
at least once a day
i think it's funny
people tell me it's "unwholesome"
but i don't care and watch it anyway
i'm not sure who i am sometimes
if i'm the me i am at church
the me at home
the me with my friends
they're all different people, i think
and i'm not sure which i like best
sometimes i sit up at night and read tolstoy
i love tolstoy and chekov and steinbeck and o'connor
and poe, shakespeare, dickinson, and hemmingway
i want to be the next tolstoy
my story, not war and peace
anna karenina 
or ivan ilych
but the story of my experience 
my dreams
the lies i tell myself
once and a while i read a romance novel
danielle steele for instance
my grandma and aunt read her like the bible
i don't like her work too much
too similar to everything else she writes
everyone is perfect
perfect life
family
hair 
and car
and on top of that 
the perfect children
husband
and always an adultress affair
it's not real
but sometimes i need something unreal
i like music a lot
i play the guitar
not very well but that's not the point
my songs are slow
and fast
loud
and soft
angry
resentful
and bitter
but sometimes they're 
happy
cheery
full of things i wonder about
music makes me cry sometimes
sometimes i wonder why it makes me cry when i can't identify
the music and voice can make me break down
sobbing in a mess
but that's the best kind of music
some music makes me happy
and i dance around my house 
or skank off beat
i like to dance
not very good but that's not the point
sometimes i'm ethereally happy
and tell everyone i know that i am 
sometimes i'm extremely depressed
and tell no one
sometimes i just break into a song
a song i've never heard before
a song that just lept from my soul
and i know i'll never sing it again
because i'll never remember it
i have trouble remember things
anything, really
my friends get upset 
they think i purposely don't do things
it's not that 
i just don't remember
i never mean to hurt people
somehow i hurt people a lot
just because i can't remember things
i remeber some things very clearly
like my first kiss
first roller coaster ride
and first day of school
i remember my great grandma stella
and my aunt peggy before she died
i remember my grandpa don
and how he taught me to blow bubbles in my gum
i remember how a part of my mom died with him
i remember things that sting me
or bring joy to me
but not things that are inadimate
like "pick up some milk at the store"
i remember my dreams 
once i drempt that i was married to a friend of mine
we had matching sweaters
and we were at my parent's house for christmas
he was making mashed potatoes in the kitchen with my mom
it was weird
sometimes my dreams are realistic
and i wake up and wonder why certian things aren't there
but sometimes my dreams are disturbing
right after my secret love abe died
i had flashes everytime i closed my eyes
of him hanging from his car upside down
dead
and sometimes he would be lying on the highway
peaceful and serene
but lifeless
it bothered me a lot but i couldn't get rid of them
then abe would disappear 
and a guy that had bruised my heart took his place
i told all my friends this guy was dead in my eyes
i guess my subconcious thought he was too
i have other dreams though
they're more like hopes, i think
dreams like seeing europe
my best friend is seeing my europe this summer
at first i was really unhappy about that
she would see that wonderful land before me
then i got over it
i'm ok with her trip now
another dream is going to india
i love india and it's mystery
someday i want to go to india with my husband
i hope someday i'll be a great teacher
i want to teach english
just like mr keating
inspire young minds
make people cry when they discover their potential
unearth poets and princesses
kings and knights
tennysons and donnes
all in their minds
i want a person to tell me someday
"i'm the way i am today because you told me i could be anything"
then i'll know that i have made a difference 
when i'm out of college 
i want to get married
maybe to a rich man with a huge house and land
or to a poor talented sweet man
i don't know what is going to happen
i don't care where we live or how much money we have
as long as i have him
that will be so cool
then someday after that
i want to have a baby
maybe two or three i'm not sure
those babies will have exotic names 
names like vertigo and moonbeam and lennon
names that will make adults roll their eyes
and say "their parents must have been drunk"
or "that poor kid"  
someday my kids will appreciate my creativity
when i'm old 
i'm not going to live here
i'll be someplace
anyplace but here
and when i'm old
i'll look back at my life and laugh
i'm sure i'll cry some too
over all the mistakes i made
and the fun i had
the people i loved
and the people that loved me
i'm sure i'll wonder if i did the right thing
if my kids were decent people
if my husband loved me 
and if i really loved him
i'll kick myself for not being a vegatarian 
and wish i had gone to france instead of buying that car
if i'm lucky
i'll remember these thoughts i'm writing right now
i doubt it
but does that really matter?