My mom was not very familiar with most of the slang terms and swear words in the English language. My father worked in the construction business and had heard them all but he would be too embarrassed if my mom asked him what they meant. So if my mom had a question she would ask me. I was seven years old and helping my mom fold some laundry and she all of a sudden turned to me and asked, "What’s fuck? What’s this word I hear sometimes, fuck?" I was shocked my mom, the incredibly devoted catholic just said "fuck"! I was speechless. She asked me again and I nervously said "I don’t know mom. I just know it’s a bad word." Then I quickly left the room.

Another time, I believe I was about 9 or 10, we were visiting a friend of my parents and I was bored sitting on the couch watching TV. I heard my mom asking her friend what was this thing she saw in the Consumers Distributing catalog called a "personal massager". My mom’s friend explained it was a vibrator. She still didn’t understand until she told her exactly what it was and how it was used. Then she asked, "And what do they mean by 69?" My mom’s friend explained it by putting her hands opposite from each other and coming down so that the fingers of the left hand were pointing to the wrist of the right hand and vice versa. All I could think of was, Hello, I’m still in the room here, I don’t need to hear my mom asking about vibrators and 69’s. Well, at least she didn’t ask me this time.

As you can see from reading these true stories, my mom was not a normal woman. When I was younger and we were at the dinner table if I would fart at the table she would look at me all disgusted. Of course she should, you’re saying to yourself. I agree. However, a few times we would be eating dinner and all of a sudden my mom would let a fart go. It would always be one of those long and very loud farts. "Mom!! That’s gross!! You’re always telling me to go to the bathroom and pass gas. What about you??" I would say in that child-like disgusted tone. "Oh, relax. Mine don’t smell.", She would reply. She had to be kidding me, with the weird food she would consume she could come up with some really funky smells but to her they didn’t smell so it was OK to let it rip at the dinner table.

My mom and I were grocery shopping one day and I picked up a large container with strawberries to purchase. She saw that they were a great deal and asked where they were in the store so she could get a box too. I pointed in the direction and went to the milk section and came back to find my mom at the table with the strawberries. She had 2 boxes open and was stuffing more strawberries into the container exclaiming that the box could fit much more and she was being ripped off. I said that the boxes say how many grams are in there and it doesn’t matter how big the box is, but she claimed I was being silly. No I was trying to be a law abiding citizen. I quickly left the store and waited in the car hoping she wouldn’t get arrested.

I guess I was about thirteen or fourteen when my mom decided that I needed a new suit. Thankfully she didn’t make me any clothes for me like she did when I was much younger, however the alternative was not that much better. So one day she decided to take me shopping and buy a new suit. This would be the suit for all special occasions, weddings, funerals (just change the tie to a black one) and all major church gatherings. We went to the local mall and of course we had to go to about 100 or 200 different stores to find the best deal in town. She would walk in like she was the only customer of the store and exclaim to the poor store clerk working that day, "I need a double-breasted suit for my son ‘cause he’s FAT!!". Yeah, thanks mom. While you’re getting the suit maybe you can find some pride to go with it. After we found some double-breasted suits and I tried 12 of them on, she would then start bargaining with the clerk. "Well mam, all the suits are marked down already 50% off", the clerk would explain. "Oh I know what you guys do before the sale you put the price up 50%, they’re not on sale they’re regular price. Don’t try to fool me!". If she couldn’t get a price discount then she would pester the guy until he gave in and threw in a cheap tie with the suit. Then she would tell me the lesson of the day, "See we got a free tie. You have to try with these people." "But mom it’s like a $2 tie." I would say. She would respond with "Two dollars is two dollars, it’s a couple of coffees". Yes, that’s my mom, the bargainer.

When my father died we had to go and purchase a burial plot. We got there with my uncles and I sat down and picked out a plot. She picked a double plot so she could be buried next to him when her time came. My mom, always looking for a deal of some sort felt she should get something thrown in free with the plot. She looked around and noticed a box full of umbrellas that they let people use when it’s raining and they are visiting loved ones. She approached the girl and asked her if it was possible to get a free umbrella since she was buying the plot there. She got the umbrella and as I was rushing to get inside the car to avoid any further humiliation she said, "See, I asked and got a free umbrella out of the deal."

One day I was driving my mom somewhere. I was driving her car and she was in the passenger seat. Now before I continue I must tell you a few things. Don’t worry it does have relevance to this story. I was in HER car not mine. I wasn’t coming from any long trip and had no suitcase or luggage with me. Now I had the window down a bit because I was smoking and hearing the "You should stop smoking" lecture once again and she turns to me and says her feet are really cold because the window is open. Did I mention this was in the summer? Anyways after she tells me her feet are cold she asks me if I had an extra pair of socks!!?? Why would I have an extra pair of socks? Why would anyone have an extra pair of socks on them? Yep, that’s my mom.

I was fortunate not to be in the car this one winter day but my brother was not so lucky. It was one of the worst blizzards we had that winter and my mom was driving my brother to school that day. Traffic was pretty hectic and everyone was driving cautiously, my brother still isn’t sure if mom was actually driving or if the cars behind her were pushing her forward because she was driving so slow. She’s approaching an intersection at approximately 15 Km/Hr and the light was green but she noticed that the pedestrian signal was flashing "Don’t Walk". So she stopped and waited at the green light while cars were honking and driver were screaming at her from behind. Her logic being that because the "Don’t Walk" signal was flashing that the light would soon turn red and it was too slippery to stop suddenly. I guess it must really difficult to stop a car suddenly when you’re driving that fast.

My mom was pulling out of the driveway one day and at our house there’s a fire hydrant right at the end of the driveway. If the city would have known my mom was going to live there they might have put the hydrant on our neighbor’s lawn. I can’t count how many times my mom has hit it. In my mom’s defense the hydrant is quite easy to hit and many have hit it once, but, only once. This one day however she was doing well and didn’t hit the fire hydrant but unfortunately our neighbor parked his car right across the street from us. Perhaps we should have warned him. She keeps backing out and sure enough, BANG, she hits the car. She begins panicking, stops out of the car and goes outside to check the cars. There was a small dent on his car but somehow my mom didn’t see it. Seeing there was no problem she got in the car and drove away. As she was leaving I see the neighbor looking at us drive by and I tell my mom but she continues to drive away stating there’s no damage, no problem. Well we get back and the neighbor comes out to confront my mom. He starts yelling and fuming about the dent in his car and why she drove away without confronting him and so on. My mom calmly tells him that there was no damage and he shouldn’t worry about it and goes inside the house. Luckily the neighbor didn’t pursue it or my mom could have possibly been charged with hit and run.

As you’ve read this you can see how bad of a driver my mom is. Parking was always a scary time for me when she was driving. It could take hours to get into a parking spot sometimes and she would rarely dare to try and back into a spot. One day she took my brother to his swimming lessons at a nearby high school. I guess she was feeling brave that day and decided to back into the parking spot. She succeeded in backing in and we felt relieved that she would have no problems exiting the spot because well we’ve seen how well she backs out. We were wrong. She gets in the car and she’s getting ready to leave and she throws it into reverse and smashes right into the high school doors. When we asked what was she thinking she replied that she doesn’t usually back into a spot and she’s so used to going in reverse when she leaves a parking spot. Good one mom, tell that to the judge. Needless to say she had to pay to have the doors repaired and since that day they now have large metal posts in front of the doors. You can visit the high school if you don’t believe me but I guess they were scared that my mom may park again.

So it may be apparent that my mom ain’t the best driver, but hey , we have our faults. My brother and my mom came to pick me up to go to church. As I walking to the car I see my brother giving me this look. Half smirking, he telss me to look at the windshild. Well the last time it rained was two days ago, but hey my mom is ready for anything. What I’m getting at is that the windshield wipers were going like it was raining cats and dogs. I don’t say anything... I mean she’s bound to notice right. If someone is going to drive, they got to look through the windsheild right. Aparently not because she drove like that for seven minutes until I asked her if it was raining. Now the only qeustion left in my head is, to drive don’t you need to look through the windsheild? To this day I still wonder where she was looking.

Our house had a huge backyard and we had cherry, pear, plum and apple trees. One summer we had trimmed the apple tree and we were burning the branches in a pit in the yard. Someone called the fire department on us. A firetruck arrived at our door and explained that there is a by-law that prevents burning leaves or branches in your backyard. We apologized to the firemen and they let us off with a warning. My mom had been inside the house while the fire department was talking to us. She comes running out of the house panicking and we explain what happened. She calms down and says "Oh, I was so scared I saw these guys in blue suits and I thought it was the police I was so worried ..." Yeah mom I could see how you might mistake them as the police but... didn’t the big red truck in front of the house tip you off!?!

I always loved Halloween and so does my mom. She would always have some costume almost every year and go visit friends. Me and my friends to this day always try and come up with a great costumes. In 1996 my brother, 2 friends and I dressed as the rock group KISS. We’re all in our mid-20’s except for my brother who was 17 at the time but we love Halloween and look forward to the day for months beforehand. My mom had made my brothers costume and it looked almost like the real thing. She said we would have to make sure and all stop by her place so she could see everyone’s costumes. So before we went out we stopped there and she asked where were we going tonight. I told her we were going to a couple of bars and enter some bar contest for best costume. She replied with, "What if you get arrested?". We all looked at her in oddly and she said, "You know, you guys will go down there and a policeman will see a bunch of teenagers looking like that, they might arrest you." First of all, I don’t believe there is a law that prevents people from wearing costumes unless maybe you’re wearing a ski mask to the bank; second of all, we’re all 24-27 years old the only teenager in the car is my brother and third of all... IT’S HALLOWEEN!!

I was at my mom’s house visiting one night and it was now 2 o’clock in the morning. Now I believe that my mom real thinks that anyone out after midnight must be up to no good. I asked her if she could drive me home. She said, "It’s 2 in the morning, a policeman might see us and find it odd that we’re out this late and think that I’m kidnapping you." I couldn’t make this up if I tried. That’s exactly what he’ll think mom, you’re kidnapping me? I’m not a small guy. I don’t think she would be able to kidnap me if she tried.

If my mom ran into someone she knew one day during her errands she would ask "Guess who I ran into today?" This is the conversation we would then have:

Mom: You’re not going to believe who I ran into today at the mall?

Me: Who?

Mom: Well... I decided to go to the mall today. I saw this really cute outfit last week and I wanted to buy it but a friend of mine told me it was on sale at the mall. So... I thought I’d go to the mall and see if they had my size. You know it’s so hard to find something in my size that looks nice but I thought I’d try. So I went to Mark’s and Spencer and...

Me: Um... Mom...Who did you run into?

Mom: Oh yeah. Well... I was in the women’s wear section and I was trying on the outfit and ... Oh, you know I saw such a large woman there. Oh my God, I felt so sorry for her. I’m big but this poor lady...

Me: You ran into a fat woman? That’s who you ran into?

Mom: Oh no, that’s not who I’m talking about; I just remember this woman and I felt so bad for her because she was so big and ...

Me: OK, so it wasn’t the fat lady. WHO DID YOU RUN INTO?????

Mom: Well, after I tried on the outfits I was paying for it at the cashier and... Oh let me tell you about this cashier. She was so slow, my goodness I don’t know how she still has her job. She...

Me: OK, mom, you started this conversation about an hour ago. Are you gonna tell me who you ran into?

Mom: Well it was outside of Mark’s and Spencer ...

Me: I don’t care where it was!!! Just tell me!!

Mom: Do you remember that lady we went to visit a long time ago? ...You were young... she had a dog... you were scared of the dog...

Me: No, I have no idea who you’re talking about. I was probably 2 years old when you took me there.

Mom: Don’t be silly. You were about 5 years old.

Me: No mom, I don’t remember some lady we visited when I was 5.

Mom: Geez, you never remember anything. Anyway... I saw her at the mall today.

Me: And I’m so glad you told me.