Mom stories that people have sent me!

Hmmmmm I am gonna give this a shot... butI don't know if you'll get as much of a kick out of these as I do...LOL I guessyou have to have grown up with me to really understand...LOL

I am going to start with my grandmotherbecause obviously she came first in thescheme of things...My grandmother is five feet tall with white white hair and she's round... If I were to compare her to anything it would be a marshmellow...cuz she is sohuggable and squishy...Most of my friends and family would agree with me...She doesn't drink or swear and she thinksa condom is a place you can purchaseand live in, in Florida. Basically she is a sweet if somewhat naive little old lady. My grandmother is not shy! She will talk to anybody about anything. This had been proven on more than one occasion. I remember walking into camp one day and she was on the phone jabbering away, a mile a minute. I grabbed some food and stuffand sat down with my grandfather to watch television... forty-five minutes laterout of mild curiousity I leaned over andasked my grandfather*who is she talking to? He replied with "wrong number".

Another time my brother and I were grocery shopping with my gram. After we werefinished and while we were waiting to bepicked up she struck up a converstion with these people who were also waiting.She proceeded to tell these strangersour whole life history... Age, grades,where we live... saying how we lived onthe old farmstead...and where the old farmstead was located... how my mother was working and putting herself through college...blah blah blah and on it went.So much for teaching us kids not to talk to strangers... For someone who nevermisses the news everynight... she sure didn't realize that you should not just tell random strangers about certain things.

She also tells perfect strangers aboutmy and my relatives health... A few years ago I fell against the stove and got 3rd degree burns on my butt... I would go intothe local store and people would come up and ask me how my ass was? I would be like"do I know you?" and the response wouldbe "Oh I was talking to your grandmaother Martha the other day...she told me allabout it" Talk about having no privacy! I won't even mention what my uncle went through when he had a vasectomy!

When I was younger, about six, I had health problems of a personal nature...I had a hard time because my cousins would pick on me and tease me and generally make my life miserable. So needless tosay I didn't have alot of company from them. So my grandmother of course did not like me to have no friends, so she tried in her own way to help me. When someone would show up to visit who had children my age she would introduce us "Hi there jen, this is my granddaughter Kim, none of the other children will play with her because she wets the bed...why don't you two go swimming together?" Thanks gram! As another budding frienship bites the dust! Needless to say I learned how to entertain myself and be self sufficient at an early age.

My grandmother also referred to the bathroom as the toilet and still does to this day! So to a young child this was not only confusing...but potentially gross. I was grounded for a whole month because while putting away groceries she handed me stuff with strict instructions to put them in the toilet..So I did! until nothing else would fit. Well I was 6 or 7 at the time a toilet was a toilet to me! So if you ever visit and my grandma asks you to wash your hands in the toilet...you now know she isn't actually seriously telling you to use the toilet but the bathroom sink. That also applies to objects they are in the bathroom...not the actual toilet!because you always hear her say "Its in the toilet"

My granparents together could provide hours of entertainment...They were ahoot!!! When my grandfather was alive the number one rule that was a must to follow was NEVER, NEVER get into a vehicle with them... EXTREMELY DANGEROUS!! I thanked god everyday when my grandfather lost his liscence. My grandfather was a speed demon and my grandmother is the worst backseat driver you will ever find! I remember going with them blueberry picking... they arrive to pick me up and I can hear my gram yellin already...I get in the car...she yells at him to watch where he is backing...sure enough*BANG* he backs into the stock car and trailer...smashing his taillight I might add... (My grandparents vehicles always resembled demolition derby vehicles) Well anyways I shrugged it off...after all it wasn't the first time I had been in the car when he backed into something. So we are off... we make it across town with only a litle bit of nattering from my gram.. coming up on the last light my gram starts yelling at my grandpa...why are you stopping, the lights green "go" she says, he of course replied that the light was yellow and he was slowing down..she starts in on him" its green go... we'll never get out of town at this rate" (hmmm it was the last light in town) so he of course hammers down on the gas as they are yelling green and yellowback and forth!! In the back seat I extract my fingers from the newly made holes in the backseat (there are many holes there) tighten my seat belt and mumble " The light was red!" So we made it out of town barely... now we are looking for the turn off... because the blueberries are usually in the middle of nowhere...so you have to drive for a bit to get to the prime spots... my grandma starts in with the yelling again..."there's the road slow down yer gonna miss it...what are you doing..and on and on" of course my grandfather doesn't slow down... he takes the 90 degree turn at 100 km/h... once again my fingers have made another set of holes in the back seat, it’s a novel experience taking a corneron pavement at 100 km/h and actually making it... but i don't feel any need to experience it again! So now we are about halfway there and I am thinking to myself... now did I really need fresh blueberries... I could have just purchased them at thestore after all... I happen to glance out the front window...(I rarely do this because when driving with my grandparents I don't want to know what is ahead...that way I don't know just how many timesI have missed death) So anyways I glance out the window and spot a orange sign up ahead... they of course are having a discussion about what the sign says... granma is saying its a warning to slow down and grandpa is saying she is probably right... oh my god they were agreeing...but i noticedthat the car was still moving at an accelerated rate... my grandmother turns around and asks me what I think...Meanwhile the sign and corner are approaching pretty quick...she is still askin me what I think the sign means... I'm thinkin what do we have to vote before you'll do anything...so I told her it looks like a loose gravel sign...that we should slowdown...but she turns to my grandpa and asks him his opinion... he says maybe thats it but they are doing alot of construction so it could be that... my fingers have once again burrowed themselves into the seat...and I scream its loose gravel slow down ...slow down now...well this startles my granpa ...and he actually slows down... thats a first! and after going around the corner my grandmother turns to me and says.... "You shouldn't yell at your grandfather it distracts him from his driving, we could have got in an accident!" This from the screech queen... and well lets face facts distractions aren't what cause his accidents its his driving skills...

My grandma being naive and not to quick about things... well here's one... she hated when my grandfather drank... so she would gather up his whiskey bottles, beerbottles etc. dump em out and replace the alcohol with water...somehow thinking that he wouldn't notice the difference...How can you not tell the difference between alcohol and water...maybe if you don't have taste buds! So my grandpa being very tired of this starts stashing his booze and sneaking it in the house, One day I take him to town...after he lost his liscence *thank you god* and we run all the errands...including the beerstore and the liquor store...where he came out with 3 twenty sixers and 3 cases of beer, plus a six pack... Upon arriving at home my grandfather makes a big show of putting his six pack in the fridge pointing out many times the fact that he was doing it to my grandmother. He then proceeded to sneak the rest of his booze into his bedroom. I can hear the bottles clinking as he stashes em in the drawers and closet...she turns to me and says... see Kimmy he has cutdown on his drinking...it was a good idea my dumping out the booze...he doesn't drink as much anymore...only a six pack... hmmmm okay!

Just a little fact about my grandma..she has been struck by lightning four times...the last time she was at the lake and she had just got out of bed to get something to drink when lightning came in through the window... she got hit flew over the bed which my grandpa was sleeping on and crashed to the floor. My grandpa wakes up...He was deaf in one ear and usually sleeps on it so he can block out noise. anyways he rolls over sees gram on the floor and asks "what are you doing down there women?" To which she replied that she was struck by lightening... he grunted and rolled back over and went to sleep... and my grandmother got her water and went back to sleep...hmmmmm does go to the hospital mean anything to them... still not sure about that one!

Kim