"The Anti-Beanie Baby Coalition"

Current Member Count: 7

Okay. Recently, there has been an epidemic in the United States far more deadly than any virus you could think of. It's beanieitis, or, in more simpler terms, "The Beanie Baby Disease." It is a highly contagious plague, and should be treated with extreme caution. Now for the facts:



THE FACTS
Submitted for your approval. One "Peace" beanie baby bear

Looks harmless enough. But it's evil. Using the concept of peace as a front, this bear has ravaged the market, an "October Release," creating chaos, runs on the stores unlucky enough to market the furry little monsters, and probably a few deaths. Believe me, people, they are not safe. I, I'm sad to say, happen to own two beanie babies. A bulldog, going under the unassuming name of "Wrinkles," and a little psychedelic bear keychain called "Spumoni." They were gifts, I swear. But it's good that I have them here, in order to psychologically analyze them for the good of humanity. What's the first thing you'll notice about most beanie babies? Well, I know the first thing I notice is that, with the possibly exception of bears, they look NOTHING like the animal they're supposed to be. I mean, this bulldog I've got here looks like a walrus minus the tusks. The bull? Just a red thing with two little points coming out of its head. And what purpose do these beanie babies serve? None. They're useless. They sit on their floppy, unstable little haunches all day and stare with their beady, glassy little eyes. And yet people all over the world are going flipping mental trying to get as many as the little hacky-sacks as they possibly can. And may I ask, once you have about fifty thousand of the things, what exactly do you do with them? Most people who collect them are too old to play with them, so, obviously, they display them. Trophies of their mad, disorienting disease. That's one of the ways you can spot a "beanietic" as I call them. Beanie babies ALL OVER THE HOUSE. Flopped on desks, lounging on chairs, stacked, arranged, whatever. If you see this, I suggest you get out of the house you're in immediately. People this deranged are just as likely to try to stuff you and add you to their collection. What are some other signs? Of course, along with a high fever, here are some other warning signs:
They could be walking into a Frederick's of Hollywood or a Gianni Versace store, and their first question would STILL be: "I wonder if they've got any beanie babies here!?"
They EXPECT Frederick's of Hollywood and Gianni Versace outlets to carry beanie babies.
They're developing the same glassy-eyed stare as their beanie babies.
They get ticked off when you try to play catch or football with their beanie babies.
They talk to them.
They make them talk to each other.
They have THE PRICE GUIDE.
Yes, that is probably not THE main, but ONE of the main forces behind beanie baby mania. For some strange reason, after a while some of them get to be worth quite a bit of money. How a goofy looking little bag of styrofoam could be worth so much money I'll never know, but it is. So people buy "Beanie Baby Price Guides" and frantically run their greed-crazed fingers up and down the pages, hoping to see a few zeroes next to their beanie babies. It is a sad, devastating disease. If you happen to come upon one of these beanietics, get away for your own sake. They WILL try to spread their disease on to you, using such lies as "Oh come on, look at how cute they are," "They're so much FUN to collect," and "They're a great investment!" In order to further the investigation into the beanie baby plague, I have started "The Anti-Beanie Baby Coalition." This organization is devoted to stopping the spread of these stuffed tools of the devil, and perhaps one day, eradicating them altogether, thus returning the world to its somewhat normal collection of baseball cards or something healthy. If you would like to join in the fight against beanie babies, e-mail me here, and you will become an official member of "The Anti-Beanie Baby Coalition."



THE ANTI-BEANIE BABY COALITION EXECUTIVE BOARD

The Anti-Beanie Baby Coalition's Executive Board is a group of the persons most dedicated to eradicating Beanie Babies from the face of the planet. A crack staff of professionals, they all have two things in common: The fact that they actually wanted to join, and the fact that 99% of this info on them is stuff I made up. ; )

1. Mel (code name "Red") from Sydney, Australia, is one of the secret agents in charge of monitoring the Beanie Babies. A task not to be taken lightly, this agent risks great physical and mental peril on a quest to make sure none of the furry little buggers ever move. Mel has been given strict orders and a license to kill anyone or anyTHING that attempts to stop the surveillance of the stuffed public enemies.

2. Dr. Jess, Professor of Beanology at the University of Stuffedstuff in Katmandu, sadly witnessed several of her friends waste away at the hands of beanieitis. She has sworn to find a cure for the dreaded disease. She is also in charge of the Beanie Border Patrol along the Canadian/American border, which is in charge of keeping rabid Beanie addicts from dealing outside the two countries.

3. Paul, an ex-New York Yankees relief pitcher and avid baseball card collector, had his career as a professional baseball player ruined by the Beanie Baby onslaught. Due to the fact that there just "happened" to be Beanie Baby conventions on every single game night, the New York Yankees were forced into bankruptcy and had to shut down, putting Paul out of a job. In his work as an Anti-Beanie Baby Coalition MIB, Paul sneaks into the houses of collectors late at night, replaces their Beanie Babies with baseball cards, and then uses his flashy little memory thingie on them.

4. Bob, a highly respected surgeon at General Hospital, was thrilled to discover a group of people immune to the dreaded beanieitis. Upon discovering the Anti-Beanie Baby Coalition, Bob immediately e-mailed me, the Chairman of the Board, inquiring about the select group of individuals on the Executive Board, who appear to be the only sane people left in the free world. Having been avidly searching for a cure to beanieitis, Bob asked me to supply a few test subjects for dissection, and I, of course, volunteered the entire Executive Board. I knew you wouldn't mind, guys - it's for the good of humanity and all. ; )

5. Denise, a practicing psychiatrist in Roswell, New Mexico (we all know THAT place is full of nuts ; ), became distressed about the violent outbreaks of beanieitis in the southeastern New Mexico area and founded the BA (Beanieholics Anonymous), a self-help group dedicated to easing addicts through the Beanie withdrawal process. Having faced countless groups of deranged and dangerous beanietics, her work is an inspiration to us all.

6. Liam's Chic, partner of Mel, serves as the Board's secret agent in charge of internet espionage. Her job is to monitor all sites dedicated to Beanie Babies or sites that look to be a potential threat to the Anti-Beanie Baby Coalition and its cause. The internet being the most obvious forum for beanietics to meet and discuss their addiction (while performing rituals to their stuffed god, no doubt), her input is vital to the Coalition's research. And just recently, she has signed in with some very disturbing news. This site has polluted the internet with, according to Liam's Chic, about 20 pages dedicated to writing stories about Beanie Babies! Monitor this site closely, but please use extreme caution when approaching it. It must be stopped.

7. WeirdZeke is truly a martyr to the Anti-Beanie Baby Cause, exposing herself to various slanders upon her personality (such as "weird") due to her devotion to eradicating Beanie Babies. Anyway, WeirdZeke serves as the "ABBA Emergency Services Chief," dealing with those who have been exposed to beanie-itis. Due to her experience in this area, I have decided to make her the official.....Bob's Ambulance Driver (Bob being the respected surgeon from #4). This is not a job to be taken lightly, as she risks great physical peril trying to pry the beanie-tics away from their Beanie Babies and into the ambulance.


As long as you're here and considering joining "The Anti-Beanie Baby Coalition" (I know you're considering it), you also need to join "ABBA." E-mail Red, the ABBC secret agent and tell her you want to join "ABBA."




"The Anti-Beanie Baby Coalition" is a product of *InSaNe EdItOr PoSsE, iNc.* ©, a subsidiary of KoRn KrEw: ThE sKaTeRz UnIoN ©, and is written and created exclusively by whatsthestory & morningglory - BBH Editors. ©1998

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