"The Diary of Liam Gallagher"

Hey, kids, and welcome to Liam Gallagher's "diary." This diary was originally written by Veralidaine, who came up with the idea and sent the first series of entries in to my page. She's since run out of time to keep up the diary, so for the past couple of installments, we've been writing it ourselves. NEwayz, here it is: the perfect thing for all of you who have always wanted to spend a day in the messed-up life of a rock star. ; )





"The Diary of Liam Gallagher," Volume Eight

Monday
Where the fook am I? Who the fook are these people? What the fook are all these cameras doing on this motorhome? Where the fook are my markers??? They keep telling me we're on a show on MTV and that's why they can't pull over and let me off, but I don't buy it. What kind of a half-baked moron would come up with a show that has to do with five gits driving around the country in a motorhome? And what kind of a bigger git would watch that sort of thing? But I guess I'm stuck here, so I might as well get used to it. I was thrilled to find out I would have to share a bed with one of the kids. I'll just go back to sleep and let the two birds fight over which one gets to share it with me. And if that can't settle it, they could BOTH share the bed with me. I'm not picky.
Tuesday
Goodbye Cruel World.
I have decided today, Tuesday, to kill myself. It's been a good life - I have no regrets. Well, except for Noel and Paul. And Fatsy, of course. But other than that, I've enjoyed living - I've seen markers and glue come and go, watched millions of gin'n'tonics make their way down the bar and thousands of chairs fly out thousands of windows. But now it's time for it to all come to an end. "But Liam!" you may scream and cry and stuff upon learning that I have decided to take my magnificent presence from this earth. "Why??" Well, I'll tell you why - I've kissed a fooking man. The way I see it, I won't be able to live with myself anymore. And besides that, I won't be able to live on this motorhome with the rapist running around every day. Allow me to explain - I went to sleep last night, leaving the birds to their cat-fight, and I woke up around 5 am with someone sleeping in the bed beside me. It was dark, but I could see long, blonde hair. I was glad to see the blonde bird had won - a real blonde, even, not bleached like Twatsy. So I decided to lean over and give her a "Congratulations-on-winning-the-honor-of-being-near-me" kiss, and a...rather non-feminine voice started cussing me out. It turned out to be that Josh twit from California - stupid fooking surfer and his long fooking hair. He woke up the whole motorhome. I kicked his arse out of my bed and began throwing the lawn chairs out the windows. And after what I'd been through, these people actually want to act ticked off at me because half their stuff blew out the broken windows and now it's freezing in here and we won't be able to get the windows replaced for another 400 miles. But none of that really matters now, since I'm killing myself. Goodbye, friends, family and adoring fans.
Wednesday
I announced to the group today that I would be killing myself. "Good," said Josh, "ya pervert." I threw Josh out the window, so now we're driving an extra 300 miles off our course to take him to a hospital. He keeps screaming something about both his legs being broken and his surfing career being over. Fookin' pansy.
Thursday
I've put off killing myself until we get the windows replaced. There's no way I'm going to die uncomfortable. So for now I've been placed in charge of keeping Josh comfortable, since he's now in a body cast. I told them Josh could have his arse amputated for all I care, I wasn't doing a thing for that transvestite, and they threatened to have a vote and kick me off the show. I've never met a bitchier bunch of people. But I figured, whether or not I'm enjoying meself, I AM still on television, which means I'm getting pretty regular publicity on MTV. So I guess that's worth moving Josh around from time to time and feeding him applesauce through a straw. That part's actually pretty entertaining. So I'll probably be killing myself within the next couple of days if everything goes according to schedule. For now I'm off to have some applesauce.
Friday
The stupid arsehole that's driving has gotten us lost. And he keeps trying to blame it on me. Just because I took the wheel for him while he went to the bathroom last night and turned left on some road that advertized the world's largest ball of twine - how was I supposed to know the fooking twine ball was another 200 miles away in the wrong direction? I just wanted to see a national monument. Nobody appreciates the arts anymore. We were supposed to be in Albuquerque, New Mexico right now, but we just passed a sign that said "Welcome to Juarez." I don't exactly know where that is, but I don't think it's in New Mexico. Anyway, in other news, I've had to start feeding Josh jello because I ate all the applesauce. And this jello stuff isn't half bad.
Saturday
I was right - we're not in New Mexico anymore. We're in Mexico Mexico. I brilliantly deducted this when the group kicked me off the motorhome to ask for directions and the guy on the corner started yapping at me in some foreign language. At first I thought he was just trying to tick me off, so I started choking him, but then when a bunch of other people, including some police officers, came up and started yelling at me in the same language, I figured out we weren't in America anymore. And now we're all in jail in Chihuahua. I've been thinking I could probably make it into the Guiness Book of World Records for being the first person to be in jail in just about every country in the world, but I'm gonna have to apply myself when I get out. I've still got a few more countries left. Meanwhile, the rest of the kids are flipping out - evidently they thought this was going to be just one big joyride where they pranced around the country doing pointless little tasks and getting free money. Well, it's about time they learned something about reality anyway. MTV is supposedly working to get us released, so I guess I'll just get some sleep....far, far away from that guy with the Saran Wrap and Vaseline over there in the corner.
Sunday
I have a slight problem - I woke up this morning and the group was gone. There was a note from MTV informing me that they had gotten everyone out of jail but me, and they were leaving me in here until my case went to trial in the US. I'm being tried for assault and battery. Where I come from, if you're pansy enough to let yourself get thrown out a window, YOU should be the one going to jail. See the next time I let MTV play any of our videos. They'll pay. Without our videos, nobody'll watch their channel, and it'll go off the air, and THEN they'll wish they had gotten me out of this jail and away from that guy over there. Plus, I'm having trouble getting my phone call, since I don't know how to say "telephone call" in Japanese, or whatever it is they're speaking here. Something had better happen soon.



Check out the First, Second, Third, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth and Seventh Volumes



"The Diary of Liam Gallagher" is a product of *InSaNe EdItOr PoSsE, iNc.* ©, a subsidiary of KoRn KrEw: ThE sKaTeRz UnIoN ©, and is written and created exclusively by Veralidaine and whatsthestory & morningglory - BBH Editors. ©1997, 1998

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