"Liam Takes Over The Band"



This new section is going to be based on two ideas I got from two different people. This is going to be a sort of continuing story about Noel being in a coma, and Liam having to take over band duties - including writing the songs. Since I got two similar ideas from these two people, here's how I'm crediting it. Annie Finkenbinder wrote and suggested that I should do Oasis songs like they would be if Liam wrote the lyrics. So the re-writes of already existing Oasis songs from Liam's point of view will be credited to her. She also wrote the first two lines of "Gin'n'Tonic Black Hole", the re-write that is included in this installment. Nina sent me the idea for having Noel in a coma and Liam running the band and writing songs. So the continuous "Noel's in a Coma" story, and the NEW Liam Gallagher songs will be credited to her. Anyway here it is.



It was a cold day in November as the Gallagher brothers were walking down the streets of Burnage, going to visit their mum. It seemed like a perfectly normal day, in fact. The boys were walking along, arguing, throwing the occasional punch and occasionally knocking one another into the street in front of cars. All was right with the world. That is, until the Starship Enterprise appeared in the sky in a flash of light, swooped a little too low to the ground and smacked Noel upside the head. Liam looked up at the Enterprise, as Noel fell to the ground. Capt. Kirk appeared in a window, and his voice boomed down to Liam over a loudspeaker. "I'm....sorry. I did not mean to....hit your friend." But, apology or not, it was apparently a textbook hit-and-run case, as the Enterprise disappeared back into the flash of light from which it had come. Liam looked down at Noel, who was crumpled on the sidewalk. "Get up Noel," he ordered. "Now!" he added, giving Noel a swift kick in the back to try and help him up. When Noel didn't yell at him for that, Liam actually became a bit concerned. So, leaving Noel on the sidewalk with a little sign stuck to his shirt that read "Please don't touch Noel til I get back. Thanks - Liam," Liam set off down the road to find the nearest hospital. After stopping for some pizza and chasing Damon Albarn and Alex James (who had come to Manchester to try and soak up some of Oasis' talent by osmosis) for a few blocks, Liam finally made it to the hospital. Which was located right across the street from where Noel was crashed. He went in and informed the doctors that Noel was the victim of a hit-and-run by the Starship Enterprise, but he would not be pressing charges since Capt. Kirk had apologized. After busting out of the straight-jacket the doctors put on him, Liam grabbed them and dragged them across the street to show them it was true. He chased away the little boys who were using Noel for a trampoline, while the doctors went and got a stretcher. Noel was wheeled into the hospital and prounounced slightly dead, which was still not all bad, because it was better than mostly dead, which would mean he was beyond help. Liam asked for a second opinion, and it was decided that Noel was in a coma. By this time, the other members of Oasis had arrived, and upon receiving the news that their fearless leader was out cold, they became extremely worried. "Liam," said Bonehead, "we've got an album due out! Noel was supposed to be writing songs for it! We need songs fast!" "Never fear," Liam said. "I will write the songs." And after convincing the other three that their careers were not over just because he was going to do the songwriting, Liam explained exactly how he would do it. "I'll just take the songs Noel's already written and re-write 'em! No one will ever know the difference." Liam also agreed to write a few original Liam Gallagher songs too, just so the public would not become suspicious. With that cleared up, Liam returned home to begin writing his first re-write:
"Gin'n'Tonic Black Hole"
Light me up one more fag
Get me another bird to shag
Where am I when I'm not getting high?
So much cocaine it looks like it snowed
One more gin'n'tonic for the road
Where am I when I'm not getting high?
You won't ever find me
Caught without my razor blade
In a gin'n'tonic black hole in the shade
Someday you will find me
Caught in a police raid
In a gin'n'tonic black hole,
A gin'n'tonic black hole in the shade
Cut me just a few more lines
Patsy lies about her age - she's 49
She's in love with me and I feel fine
Give us another joint to roll
I hope this season Man City will finally score a goal
Where am I when I'm not getting high?
You won't ever find me
If I owe you money and I haven't paid
In a gin'n'tonic black hole in the shade
Someday you will find me
But only if my bail is made
In a gin'n'tonic black hole,
A gin'n'tonic black hole
Most people believe
That being high constantly is a bummer
But it's really cool, 'cause when I'm high
The room spins round and round
And I can fly
Fly, fly, fly, fly

Here's another quick song I'll stick in here that Allison from Ohio (I feel like a radio DJ) sent in. It was "Shakermaker," til Liam got hold of it...
"Drinkmaker"
I wake up in somebody's house not knowing where I've been
I stumble blind across the room and grab a pint again
Drink along with me!
I'd been puking in me car and soon I had passed out
The next place that I found myself was on this bloody couch
Drink along with me!
I'm sorry but I just don't know
I know I said that I'd come home
But I was happy and feeling fine
Patsy, don't give me that evil eye
I'm still with you but I don't know why
Just drink along with me!
I'm drunk again writing this song
Happy with my G&T
Pass me some more lager, mate
Better than that bloody tea!

And so, Liam took back over the band that once was his. "Y'know," Liam told Bonehead, "it feels good to be in charge again." "You never were in charge before, you little ingrate," Bonehead said. "I started the bloody band before Noel came along." "Oh. Yeah, well, don't split hairs with me, mate, or you can write yer own songs." "Great!" Bonehead exclaimed. I've got one right here."
"Bonehead's Grandparents Day"
Well, you could take a train
Or a boat or an aeroplane
To get to Florida
Where you go when you retire
'Cause yer age is gettin' higher and higher
Na na-na na na-na na-na na-na
You can take a cruise
Take a tour of Greece and Rome
Or if you don't feel like it
You can go live in an old folks' home
Na na-na na na-na na-na na-na
I like me grandparents
Even though they're not real new
I'd better be nice to them
'Cause pretty soon I'll be a grandpa too
Na na-na na na-na na-na na-na.

"Erm...very nice, Bonehead," said Liam. "We'll let you have it on another vinyl." "Vinyl," sighed Bonehead. "How that takes me back..." After Bonehead was finished reminiscing, he and Liam decided to go to London to possibly get some inspiration for a new Liam-song. They took a train. And a boat and an aeroplane. And then they stole a car. And got thrown in jail. "What'll we do now?" asked Bonehead. "Usually Noel comes and bails us out, but he's in a coma." "Who do we know in London?" thought Liam. "A-ha! Damon and Alex!" "Are you crazy?" Bonehead laughed. "They wouldn't get us out of jail for anything." "Just watch," Liam said, going down to use his phone call on Damon. "They said they wouldn't get us out of jail for anything!" Liam fumed, as he was led back to the cell. Bonehead rolled his eyes. Yet, Liam was inspired enough by this situation to write the epic:
"Those Dirty Tory Wankers from Blur Won't Post Our Bail"
Today is gonna be the day,
We thought we'd get out of jail
But those dirty Tory wankers from Blur
Won't post our fookin' bail
I do believe that when I get out
I'm gonna hunt them down
And kick their arses
Bonehead and me
Are stuck here in the clink
And Noel had to go and pass out
I just had one phone call
And now there's no way we'll get out
I do believe that if we leave
I'll find that stupid Gaymon
And knock his teeth out
So we're in jail and it's not really funny
And Patsy's back at home spending all me money
I wish that I had brought it with me
'Cause she's gonna blow it all
That stupid cow
But maybe
We'll get out of here before we're eighty
And if we make it alive
Damon and Alex are gonna die
Today was gonna be the day
I thought for sure that we'd be free from this cell
But those dirty Tory wankers from Blur
Won't post our fookin' bail
I do believe I'm gonna love
Beating the living shite
Out of them
Going to jail just because we stole a car
I really don't think I look cute behind bars
And this weird guy behind me
Has his hand on my arse
That can't be good
But maybe
We'll get out of here before we're eighty
And away from this creepy guy
Boy, is Blur gonna die

After a few months, Guigsy finally figured out that Liam and Bonehead were missing and went looking for them. He finally found them in the London jail and bailed them out. The first order of business was to find and kill Blur. The three of them went to all the trashy clubs and birthday parties that Blur always played, but found no sign of them. They were just about to give up, when they saw a huge billboard announcing a Blur concert that night at Wimbledon. "Wimbledon?" said Liam. "Since when are Blur so popular?" They then found out from Guigsy that in the months they were in jail, Blur took advantage of the fact that Liam was out of the way and Noel was in a coma, and had recently become the biggest band in the world. "What??" Liam cried, clutching his chest. Bonehead grabbed him. "We don't need BOTH of you in the hospital." Liam was so depressed by this turn of events that he wrote the haunting ballad:
"Die Forever"
Maybe I don't really wanna know
How "Parklife" goes
It makes me wanna die
Damon, you're gonna feel the pain
When I kick you in the brain
And punch you in the nose
Maybe you're just gonna cry
Not gonna live, you're gonna die
Maybe you're not gonna breathe
Gonna be in pain you won't believe
Maybe then you'll finally see
That you shouldn't fook with me
Damon, you are gonna die forever
Maybe you're never gonna know
What it's like to grow old
'Cause you're about to die
Lately you've become such a pain
You're so completely vain
But no one'll recognize you when I'm through
Maybe you're just gonna cry
Not gonna live, you're gonna die
Maybe you're not gonna breathe
Gonna be in pain you won't believe
Maybe then you'll finally see
That you shouldn't fook with me
Damon, you are gonna die forever

"That was very touching, Liam," Bonehead said, rolling his eyes. "Really. But what ARE we going to do about Blur?" "You're right. If we kill them, as tempting as that sounds, we'll only go right back into jail, and I really didn't enjoy myself all that much, believe it or not. What CAN we do?" "Well, we could always get THEM thrown in jail, and then take the world over again," suggested Bonehead. "Bonehead," Liam said, "that's the best idea you've ever had." "I thought 'Bonehead's Grandparents Day' was an alright idea," Bonehead protested. "Like I said. Best idea." "Alright, Liam, but how are we gonna get them arrested? Framing them for a crime is too risky," said Bonehead. "Well then, we're just gonna have to get them to do something horrible to us," Liam said. Bonehead and Liam went straight to work trying to get Blur to attack them. They tried dressing up as the Spice Girls and singing on Damon's doorstep, but he only tried to hit on them. After a few sessions of therapy to get over that particular experience, Liam and Bonehead had another idea. They dressed up as Tony Blair and Bill Clinton, thinking the ever-Tory Damon would attack them, but he only came outside and asked them boring questions about the government. "So," said Damon, "what do you REALLY think about the situation in Northern Ireland?" "Uh, it sucks," said Liam. "What measures are you taking to resolve it?" "We're.....telling them to quit it." "And if they don't?" asked Damon. "We'll....shoot them?" suggested Liam. "But won't more violence just make the situation worse?" "Yeah, sure." "And Mr. Clinton, what are you going to do about the charges of sexual harrassment against you made by Paula Jones?" "I'm....gonna shoot her?" "And what of the US's current situation facing war?" "We're....gonna shoot people." "And by the way, Mr. Blair, what are you doing to try to get more jobs into England?" "We're opening more Pizza Huts. Sorry, we've gotta be going," said Liam. Finally, Liam and Bonehead gave up. "I can't handle any more of him," Bonehead said, as he and Liam strolled across Damon's front lawn. "Yeah," Liam said, "I guess there's nothing we can do to make them attack us." Meanwhile in Damon's house...."Damon!" Alex hissed from the window. "What is it?" "Liam Gallagher and Bonehead....Bonehead are on your lawn!" "What?? Get them!!" Just as Liam and Bonehead walked past the front door, Blur attacked. The cops were on the scene in less than two minutes (yeah, this is a story, not real life), and Blur were on their way to court. Liam decided he'd like to give a musical testimony at the trial, and so composed his legal triumph:
"Put Them Away"
Hallo there, yer honor, there's not a lot to say
About this horrible crime
Me an' Bonehead are so shocked, we think that they should pay
And do some serious time
And we hope your verdict will be
Really bad
I think they should be locked up 'cause they're
Completely mad
So put them away
Don't let them stay
Fry them, I say
And by the way, they're gay
I think the sentence should be life
Or at least the chair
Or at least the chair
I think that would be fair
It was an awful situation, they came out of nowhere
And attacked me and Bonehead
I think that they're just jealous of me gorgeous hair
And we think they should be dead
So please yer honor put them
In the pen
So we can make Oasis the best
Band again
So put them away
Don't let them stay
Fry them, I say
And by the way, they're gay
I think the sentence should be life
Or at least the chair
Or at least the chair
I think that would be fair

The judge, while impressed with Liam's ability to turn the trial into a musical, figured that since no one had been seriously killed, Damon and Alex would be released with a fine. However, a restraining order was put in effect which forbade Damon and Alex to come within 30 feet of Liam and Bonehead. After an hour of chasing Damon and Alex around just to watch them sprint to try and get 30 feet away, Liam and Bonehead decided it was probably time to go see if Noel was still alive. They took a train back to Manchester and marched up to Noel's room. Liam grabbed him by the hair and shook him a bit. "Noel? Nope, he's still in a comma." "Coma, man," corrected Bonehead. "Whatever, he's still stiff. Let's go back to London." Bonehead looked at Liam. "Don't you even care that your only brother might never wake up again??" "He's not me only brother." "He's not?" "There's Paul." "Oh yeah, that. Not counting him. Aren't you a little sad?" Liam stared at Noel for a minute. "Nah, not really. I like him better like this, Boney. Check this out.....Hey. Noel. Can I go drive your Roller through a couple of fences, get it painted purple, hock your guitar collection and take over the band?" He picks Noel up by the hair again and shakes his head up and down. "See? He's much more agreeable like this. You try." "Um, Noel, can I have a raise?" Noel's head shakes. "You're right, Liam. Hey, he won't mind if I write all the songs for the next album either, then! I've got a new one here..."
"Bonehead's St. Patrick's Day"
Well, you could take a bike, or a bus, or a pair of rollerblades
To get to Ireland
Where you go to kiss the Blarney Stone
And hope that to pieces you don't get blown
Too-ra-lura, too-ra-lura, too-ra-lu-rye-ay
I met a funny looking guy
In Dublin on Saturday
He was pretty popular over there
I guess he works for the NRA
Too-ra-lura, too-ra-lura, too-ra-lu-rye-ay

"Bonehead, what did that have to do with St. Patrick's Day?" Liam asked. "It's an abstract number." "Noel, Noel, oh, Noel, wake up, please, wake up!" Liam sobbed. "Hey, you haven't even heard 'Bonehead's Kwaanza' yet!!" "NOEL!" Liam howled, pounding on Noel's chest. All of a sudden, the little bleeps on the heart monitor turned to a straight line. "What's that mean?" Liam asked. "I think you've killed him." "Oh." Doctors and nurses begin rushing in. "Get me 400 cc's of morphine!" yelled one doctor. "Is that a drug??" asked Liam. "Yes." "Me first, then!!" "Somebody get him out of here!" So Liam and Bonehead were escorted into the waiting room, where Liam sat down to compose his tragic tribute to Noel:
"I Think, I Killed, My Brother"
Bonehead was trying to put me eardrums out
With one of those things he writes that are crazy
I accidentally pounded our kid's chest
And now I think he's pushing up daisies
I guess I would rather that he pull through
'Cause somebody somewhere might actually miss Noel
So I'm feeling so very sad and remorseful
'Cause if he lives, I won't get his Rolls
I feel a little down today
I don't think I'll know what to say
If the police come to read me my rights
Oh well, now I get Supernova Heights, I get Supernova Heights
'Cause I think I just killed our Noel
Too bad I didn't miss with my fist
I Think, I Killed, My Brother
And now I guess the band is in my control
I guess I shouldn't have killed Noel
But anyway, he was getting old
And now I get his Rolls

"I have some good news for you!" gasped the doctor, coming into the waiting room. "Noel has TWO Rolls??" "Um, no, Noel's going to live!" "Oh, great. Well, Bonehead, take that one off the album."
Yes, Noel was alive, but still in his coma, of course. "Fook all. I was so close to getting that Rolls," Liam lamented. "Y'know, Liam, Noel's in this coma, he doesn't know what you're doing...why don't you just go take the bloody Rolls?" suggested Bonehead. "Bonehead...sometimes I love you." "Great, while you're in a good mood, take a listen to this new song I've..." "Not so fast. I don't love you that much. Besides, you only get one song per every second update or so, this section's supposed to be about me. Now let's go get that Rolls." After saying goodbye to Noel and pouring G&T into his IV, then explaining to the doctors that you can't deprive a bloke of his main food group just because he's comatose, Liam and Bonehead were thrown out of the hospital. They caught the first train to London and walked to Supernova Heights. Meg came to the door. "Liam! Bonehead! Thank GOD I've finally found you! WHERE IS NOEL??" Liam and Bonehead looked at each other. "Oops, Boney. We forgot to call Meg." "I didn't forget. She's your sister-in-law." "It just slipped me mind. Taking over a band is time-consuming, y'know." "Yeah, but notifying the next-of-kin is usually what springs to mind first, innit?" "Where is he?" Meg asked again. "Eh....give me the keys to the Roller and I'll tell yer." "WHAT? Is that all you can think of at a time like this? Where is Noel?" Meg insisted. "Keys first." "Tell me where he is!!" "Nope. If you're not gonna give us the keys, we're not gonna tell you where Noel's at." "WHERE IS NOEL, YOU WANKER??" Meg yelled, shaking Liam. "Oi!" said Bonehead. "Don't shake him so hard, we don't need him going into a coma and having to be put in the hospital in Burnage in Room 469, too." "Bonehead!" said Liam. Meg quickly locked the door of the house and took off for the train station. "Nice going, Boney. Now how're we gonna get the Roller?" "I didn't mean to tell her." "You fookin' gave out room numbers! Couldn't you have been a little more discreet? Now get your arse over the fence and see about unlocking the house." "I'm not goin' over the fence." "Why not?" "I'm allergic to cats." Liam rolled his eyes. "Fine then, I'll do it meself." A few minutes later, he appears at the front door. "You won't believe this place. Let's hurry up and get the Roller and get out of here. It's creepy." They walk past the giant self-portrait of Noel hanging over the entryway, past the shrine to Noel's guitars in the living room, past the limited edition Noel Gallagher collector plates (from the Franklin fookin' Mint, no less) in the kitchen, and past the indoor swimming pool full of gin and tonic.......
Seven Hours Later...
and into the garage. They jump in the Rolls and take off. "I can't believe it! I've finally got Noel's Roller! He'd go into a coma if he knew I was driving this right....oh wait." "I'm gonna go into a coma if you don't stay on your own fookin' side of the road," Bonehead said. "You act like you don't know how to drive." "I don't." As if to stress this point, Liam swerved into the next lane to try and hit Damon and Alex, who were trying to hit Liam and Bonehead, and the Rolls was hit by a Youth For Christ van that had been trying to hit Marilyn Manson (who had been trying to hit Hanson, who shouldn't have been driving in the first place). After a few hundred citations were written out, Liam and Bonehead realized what they had done. "Boney. Do you realize what we've done?" "What's this we? You've wrecked Noel's Roller." "What am I gonna do?" "Well, if you ask me, you'd better get it somewhere and get it repaired." "How? We don't have any money! I still don't have enough songs written to release an album, and we're out of cash!" After this horrible truth sunk in, they decided to do what any other self-respecting star who needs to make a quick buck off their popularity would do. Make a commercial. Unfortunately, the only company looking for celebrities at the moment was the Jello corporation, leading to Liam's marketing success:
"Jello"
I don't feel like eating cookies
Don't feel like eating pie
I need a dessert that's quick and easy
And an affordable smart buy
Nobody ever mentions the calories
Those other desserts contain
Nobody ever stops to consider
All the weight they're gonna gain
So if you don't wanna look like a cow
Just take the cake and throw it away
And look for the famous brand name
Even if it does taste like cellophane
Just look for the famous brand name
Don't give a fook if you're not hungry, there's always room for
Jello
There ain't no sense in trying to fight it
There's a flavor for everyone
And so what if it doesn't really taste like that flavor
It's jiggly, and playing with it is fun
Nobody ever can escape Jello
It's everywhere you look
So just give up and go and buy it
Sure it's gross, but who gives a fook
We make more money if you buy some
So plan on buying some today
And look for the famous brand name
Even if it is really lame
Just look for the famous brand name
Don't give a fook what you say, there's always room for
Jello
Jello
It's good for a snack
Good for a snack
Jello
Jello
Jello

Stay tuned for the next installment of "Liam Takes Over The Band."



"Liam Takes Over The Band" is a product of *InSaNe EdItOr PoSsE, iNc.* ©, a subsidiary of KoRn KrEw: ThE sKaTeRz UnIoN ©, and is written and created exclusively by whatsthestory & morningglory - BBH Editors. ©1997, 1998

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