"Melody Maker Parodies"

As a lot of you British or European people probably know, and a lot of you Americans (like me) probably DON'T know, the popular British music magazine, "Melody Maker" has also done a few hilarious Oasis parody things. So that's what this page is for: the "Melody Maker" Oasis parodies. So if you have access to "Melody Maker" magazine and know of any more parodies other than these, please mail them to me so I can post them here with these others.



"Oasis' Nativity Performance"
[Scene: Burnage Village Hall. Local parents, including the mums and dads of Oasis, are gathered in the rows of wooden seats. Noel's mum waves to him.]
Liam: [Hissing to Noel] Nativity? Do we fookin' 'ave to do this?
Noel: Yes we fookin' do! We spend all year gettin' pissed and swearing and its about fookin' time we did something spiritual and worthwhile, like. And our mam asked us to do it.
Liam: Aah, yer afraid of our mam, aren't you?
Noel: I fookin' am not you are!
Liam: No I'm not! I'd tell 'er if I didn't wanna do it. Only, it so happens I - er - do wanna do it, me. I'm mad for it.
Noel: Yeah fookin' right! All right we're about to begin. [Steps out onto stage] Er - ahem. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and our mam. We are honoured to present to you on - er - this auspicious - er - today, our version of the Nativity. And lo, so it was that the Angel Gabriel, played by me, didst appear to the Virgin Mary, played by our Liam. [Noel places wire halo around his head] Gerrout here, our Liam!
[Enter Liam, in black shawl.]
Noel: Behold. I am the fookin' Angel Gabriel - I mean, I am the Angel Gabriel.
Liam: Fookin' hell! I mean - er, Christ Almighty! Who are you?
Noel: I just told you, yer soft twat! You shall be with child and the child shall be the Messiah and you shall [sniggers] remain a virgin.
Liam: [blushing] Fook off.
Noel: Yay, I repeat unto you three times, though art a virgin. Virgin, virgin, virgin. A great big soft virgin, and thou shall be famous throughout history as a woman and a virgin, like.
Liam: Fook off!
Mrs. Gallagher: [From audience] Liam!
Liam: Well, 'e started it.
Noel: And lo, three shepherds were watching their flocks by night when an angel, played by me again, didst appear to the shepherds, played by Liam, Bonehead, and Guigsy.
[On shuffle Bonehead and Guigsy, as Liam quick changes into shepherd's garb.]
Liam: While shepherds washed their cocks by night....
Mrs. Gallagher: Liam!
Liam: Sorry, Mam...
Bonehead: Behold! Who art that?
Noel: Lo, I am the angel.
Liam: Thou lookest more like a fookin' man in a dress.
Noel: Fookest thou off, twat. I have been sent by God to give you glad tidings.
Liam: What the fook art "tidings" when they are at home?
Noel: Er. I don't know. But they are sent by Almighty God. You are to go to a fookin' stable in Bethlehem where the Messiah is born. Er - lo!
Liam: So while we art fooking off to Bethlehem on thou's fookin say-so, thou will take fookin' advantage and molest our fookin' sheep! With thine weird-looking eyebrow and thy dress I wouldest not trust you a fooking inch with my flock, me.
Noel: Thou will fook off to Bethlehem right now or God has instructed me to smite thou in the fookin' mouth, thou cheeky - woman's downstairs place.
Liam: Fook off, thou sheepshagger!
Noel: [To audience] Mam, mek 'im behave!
Mrs. Gallagher: Liam, behave!
Liam: Aww, Mam!
Noel: And it came to pass that Mary and Joseph didst make their way to Bethlehem on a little donkey, which Liam refused to ride cos he knows he would get an erection like he did that time when he rode on one at Blackpool when he was seven and everyone didst laugh.
Liam: I fookin' never! You lyin' bastard! Mam! Tell 'im to stop lying.
Noel: So he will be playing the innkeeper and Guigsy will be playing Mary and I will be playing Joseph. [Knocks] Do you have a room for the night? We have traveled many miles and art shagged.
Liam: No. [Disappears behind cardboard. Doesn't reappear for a while.]
Noel: [After 10-minute pause] Hello? [Knocks on cardboard]
Liam: What?
Noel: Where the fook hast thou been inkeeper?
Liam: I just nipped out for some fags.
Noel: [seething] Why hast thou no room at the fookin' inn?
Liam: I know thy sort. Thou art trouble. For lo, I didst read that thou didst piss in that hotel corridor in Paris that time and didst smash the room up.
Noel: That were all fookin' made up and thou art a fine one to talk, thou! So - er, hast thou, then, a stable where we might perchance spend the night?
Liam: No.
Noel: Eh? What the fook dost thou mean, no? Mam! Make 'im give us a stable!
Liam: All right. I might have a last minute cancellation in thy fookin' stable. On one condition. That thou lettest me write some of the songs for the next fookin' Oasis album on account that the last one were shite and everyone doth says so.
Noel: Verily, thou art looking for the biggest twatting of thy fookin' life.
Liam: Deal?
Noel: Aye, fookin' deal!
[Noel enters the stable, Guigsy gives birth to Jesus and the three wise men arrive in the form of Bonehead and two groupies]
Noel: And lo, the three wise men, Bonehead, Dogsbreath and Arsecrack, our two groupies, did bring gifts of gold, frankincense and… muh…mher…mry…myrr…mrrr…
Liam: You can't say it can you, yer thick coont!
Noel: Behold, innkeeper! A fookin' star doth shine in the sky!
Liam: [gawping up] Where? I can't fookin' see it.
Noel: [Twatting unguarded Liam] Yer'll see a fookin' few now yer twat!
[Fight ensues as curtain falls.]

Thanks to Sally for mailing me the three "At Home With Liam And Patsy" parodies.
"At Home With Liam And Patsy"
[Scene: Liam and Patsy's house. Liam is lying on the couch eating a fried egg sandwich watching the footy on TV. Patsy, meanwhile, is halfway up a ladder at the back of the house repointing the exterior brickwork.]
Liam: [Spraying crumbs everywhere] Patsy!
Patsy: [Climbing down ladder, wiping brow, hurrying into living room] What is it, Liam?
Liam: Turn't telly over, there's a good lass. There's Italian footy on Channel 4.
Patsy: [Irritably] Couldn't you turn it over yourself?
Liam: Well 'appen I'll have to if you're gonna be a stroppy bitch about it...!
Patsy: All right, all right! [Goes to telly and switches to C4] Happy?
Liam: Aye, piss off. Oh, do us another fried egg sandwich on yer way out.
Patsy: [Sighing] Yes, Liam...
Liam: And nip down't off licence and gerrus some more tins, there's only eight left in the fridge.
Patsy: [Exasperatedly] Won't that do you?
Liam: Normally, like, but I'm 'aving someone in tonight.
Patsy: Who?
Liam: That new bird off of "Brookside." Dead fit, she is. So don't bother about cooking us a meal tonight, just do us a buffet, some crisps and fried egg sandwiches, like, then make yourself scarce, right?
Patsy: [Aghast] Liam! Look at me...
Liam: Do I 'ave to?
Patsy: Wh-what d'you mean?
Liam: No disrespect, lass, but you're letting yerself go. I mean leggings and tank tops, dead scruffy that. You've done nowt with yer hair and you've no makeup on. It's laziness, I can't abide that, me. You're a mess, woman!
Patsy: Well - I'm sorry, Liam, but having spent all day scrubbing mildew out of the shower unit, retarring the roof, and repointing the brickwork in between cooking and fetching for you, I'm sorry if I appear a little haggard. Perhaps you'd have me go upstairs and put on my best spangly green party dress and my stilletoes before I go back up the ladder?
Liam: Aye, that'd be nice...
Patsy: You're serious, aren't you?
Liam: Mek us another fried egg sandwich, then go up and doll yourself up. I can't say fairer than that, can I?
Patsy: Right! That's it! This is a totally one-sided relationship. I do all the fetching and carrying while you sit there watching your TV. You treat me like a slave! Well, I'm not standing for it! I'm Patsy Kensit! I was lead singer for Eighth Wonder, band of the eighties. I had a minor role in Lethal Weapon II, I deserve respect, I -
Liam: We're having an Oasis party next week. For our internet site, or something. Fancy coming?
Patsy: Party? R-really? Will there be - cameras there? Paparazzi?
Liam: 'Spect so.
[Pause]
Patsy: Another fried egg sandwich, you say? Shan't be a minute, sweetheart. Then I'm just going down to the off licence. What kind of beer does your "Brookside" friend like?

"At Home With Liam And Patsy - Part Two"
[Scene: Liam and Patsy's house. Liam is lying on the floor munching crisps, drinking beer, and watching telly. Meanwhile, Patsy is going at the central heating with a monkey spanner.]
Patsy: [Struggling] Damn - stupid - come loose!
Liam: Will you fookin' stop rattling around with that fookin' radiator. I'm trying to watch t'ten pin bowling on t'telly!
Patsy: I'm sorry, but it's bloody - awkward - Aaargh! [Hot, rusty water comes spurting out of the radiator into Patsy's face.]
Liam: Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhahahahahahaha! You're fookin' wet through!
Patsy: Stupid sodding radiator - no chance of you lending me a hand, is there?
Liam: No chance! You wanted yer women's lib, being fookin' same as men, like, and now you've gorrit and you still moan! Tell you what, mind, I couldn't half do with a fookin' fried egg sandwich.
Patsy: Fried egg -! Liam! I'm wet through and I'm filthy and I'm calling a plumber.
Liam: Oh right, that's typical middle-class bollocks, that! Every tiny little problem and you get some man out to fix it! Well fook that! No plumbers in this house! I were brung up in a working-class terrace where life were 'ard and if we 'ad a problem me mam'd fix it herself!
Patsy: All right! You fix it yourself. You broke it in the first place, pouring sugar in the water tank and clogging it up -
Liam: Aye! Hahah! Tell you what. Here's the deal. You mek me a fried egg sandwich, plenty of lard...
Patsy: Yes?
Liam: And I'll watch't fookin' ten-pin bowling on t'telly.
Patsy: Jesus - Liam, I will make you a fried egg sandwich because, as you know, nothing gives me greater pleasure than avoiding spitting hot fat in a dirty kitchen. But you've got to sort out a plumber for that radiator, do you understand?
Liam: Yeah, yeah, yeah...fookin' hell, gerroff me back...
[Ten minutes later, Patsy emerges from the kitchen with a fried egg sandwich and squeals in horror as water is pouring across the flooded carpet, with Liam having distributed all of Patsy's best dresses across the floor to soak it up.]
Patsy: LIAM!!
Liam: [Irritably] What now?
Patsy: What have you done? The floor's flooded? My best dresses! You've - you've used them as towels!
Liam: Yeah! So?
Patsy: They're - they're all ruined! All my clothes! Haven't you anything to say for yourself?
Liam: Aye! 'Ow come there's no ketchup with me sandwich?
Patsy: OOHH! We're going to see Burt Bacharach tonight! What on earth am I going to wear?
Liam: Well - there is that outfit I wore at that fancy dress party t'other week...
Patsy: Liam - I am not going to see Burt Bacharach dressed as Napoleon Bonaparte, is that clear?
[Next week, Patsy is reading the GOSSIP column in "Melody Maker."]
Patsy: [Fuming] "Amused to spot Patsy the Pouting Princess of Britpop escorting Liam to the Burt Bacharach bash t'other evening in some sort of Napoleon outfit about two sizes too large. Delusions of grandeur, mayhap? Patsy, honey, if the tricorner hat doesn't fit, don't wear it. As for Liam - watch out, she might be trying to make a Josephine of you!"
Liam: [Munching sandwich] Hahahah! They've fookin' got that right...
Patsy: This is - rubbish! And it's going to be read in Milan, Paris, New York - we'll be a laughing stock! They've misrepresented our relationship! I'm really annoyed! Well, Liam? Aren't you annoyed?
Liam: [Spitting sandwich crumbs] Aye! I asked you to gerrus another fookin' fried egg sandwich 10 minutes ago and yer still fookin' wittering!...

"At Home With Liam And Patsy - Part Three"
[Scene: Liam and Patsy's house. Liam is standing in the back yard watching Patsy as she sifts, piece by piece, through a bin liner full of rotting garbage.]
Liam: 'Aven't yer fookin' found it yet, woman?
Patsy: [Retching into a handkerchief at the stench] No I haven't! I'm doing my best, but this is - disgusting! Are you sure you threw it away?
Liam: Fookin' must 'ave done. I've looked everywhere else for it. All me pockets, like. Front and back.
Patsy: I'm going to be sick - look, I think it's lost, Liam. For Christ's sake, it's only a Rizla roller. I've been looking through this bin liner for three quarters of an hour, they cost about two pounds, can't you buy yourself another one? For Pete's sake, I'll buy you another one!
Liam: No! Fook that! It's got sentimental value, that roller has.
Patsy: What d'you mean?
Liam: Some bird gave me it last night in the gent's bogs at the fookin' pub, like. I gave her a grope, she gave me the fookin' roller.
Patsy: LIAM!
Liam: So you see it's imperative that you keep looking for it, like. And the quicker you've found it, the quicker you can mek me a fookin' fried egg sandwich.
Patsy: LIAM! For Pete's sake! Do you mean to tell me I've been pawing about in this bin liner getting myself filthy just in search of some trinket some tart gave you?
Liam: [Patiently] No, I mean to tell you that as soon as you're finished there I want you to mek me a fookin' fried egg sandwich! Don't you English, or what?
Patsy: [Composing herself] Liam. I am very, very angry with you. I...
Liam: [Indignantly] You're fookin' angry with me? I like that! I'm the one that should be angry with you, me!
Patsy: What d'you mean?
Liam: Who's Pete?
Patsy: "Pete?"
Liam: Don't come on the fookin' innocent wi' me! All morning it's been for Pete's sake this and Pete's sake that. What about Liam's sake just once, eh? You can't get this Pete bloke out of your mind, whoever the fook he is.
Patsy: Pete's sake? Liam, that's just an expression!
Liam: [Morosely] I've always tried to be a good partner to you. Do me best, like, for you and your little girl.
Patsy: Boy, Liam. He's a boy.
Liam: Aye, worrever. Fact is, you're more interested in Pete than you are in me. Well, there's only one way to settle this. I'm tekkin' you to court. We're gonna sort it out legal.
Patsy: Fine! I can afford decent solicitors. With the royalties from Eighth Wonder still coming in, I'll get the best justice money can buy.
Liam: Aye, expensive solicitors help. See you in court.
[Two weeks later in court, with Patsy represented by Legal Aid and Liam by O.J. Simpson's solicitor, Johnny Cochran...]
Judge: And so, the court, having found overwhelmingly in Mr. Gallagher's favour, the following is decreed. That Ms. Kensit sever all links with her clandestine boyfriend Pete. And that, in reparation for her evil treachery to Mr. Gallagher, she agree to love, honour, and obey him howsoever late he come in from the public house with a blonde on each arm, and prepare for him fried egg sandwiches whenever Mr. Gallagher is feeling the slightest bit peckish. The court also recognises that Mr. Gallagher has been an excellent and faithful partner to Ms. Kensit and has always done his best to look after her and her little girl...
Patsy: Boy!
Judge: Whatever, court is adjourned!
Liam: Well fair's fair, Patsy. 'Ere, you'll never guess what, that Rizla roller were in me back pocket all t'time. All's well that end's well, eh?
Patsy: [With a sigh] Yes, dear...



"Melody Maker Parodies" are copyright "Melody Maker" magazine

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