"The 'Translated' Version of Wibbling Rivalry"
BBH's Very First Parody, Circa 1996



Welcome to the "Translated" version of the now infamous "Wibbling Rivalry" recording. You've seen it everywhere. The glorious "discussion" between two loving brothers. Well, now, for the Manc-impaired (American), you can own the never before seen "Translated" version of this transcript. All that means is that I'm going to write the thing, and then translate it into terms that those of us who are not from Manchester, drunk, on some sort of controlled substance, or all three, can understand and enjoy. Here goes. The translations will be in parentheses at the end of every sentence.



Q: How do you feel about the fact that, already, Oasis have attracted a reputation for being rock 'n' roll animals? (You guys are enjoying this, aren't you.)

Liam: I'm into it, me. (I like it.) But at the end of the day, like he says, I go home and get a clip off me mam. (When it's all over, like he says, I go home and get a haircut from my mom. Just kidding. I go home and get smacked around by my mom.) And I do. (And I do.) She clips me round the head and goes, "What are you like, you little tinker?" (She smacks me in the head and says, "What the HECK is your problem, you little punk?")

Q: Did you get a clip after Amsterdam? (Did you get smacked in the head for what happened in Amsterdam?)

Liam: Oh yeah, I get it all the time. (Oh yeah, I get smacked in the head all the time.) She looks at me and goes, "You fuckin' daft bastard." (She looks at me and says, "You stupid little idiot, you're just like your dad.") Know what I mean? (Can you dig it?)
Noel: It's a reputation, right, that I... (It's a reputation, right, that I...)
Liam: I like the way it's bubbling up. (I like the way people are slowly going insane.) It's reminding me of the Roses all over again. (It's reminding me of the Stone Roses, a popular English band who recently split up, coming back to haunt everyone.) I like that, me. (I lok it a lot.) I want to get 2000 people in a nice gaff who are there to see me. (I want to get 2000 people in whatever the heck a gaff is, who are all there to slobber all over me.) I want to be there . (I want to be the Beatles.)
Noel: Woah. (Woah.) Hang on a minute. (Hold up a minute.) That's not what he's on about. (That's not what he's after.)
Liam: He is. (I am.)
Noel: He's on about a reputation, about getting thrown off fuckin' ferries. (He wants to be the Sex Pistols, he's after getting thrown off little boats.) Getting thrown off ferries and getting deported is summat that I'm not proud about. (Getting thrown off little boats and being like John Lennon is not something that I'm proud of.)
Liam: Well I am, la. (Well I am, or something. Uh-huh-uh-uh-huh-huh.)
Noel: Alright. (Alright.) Well if you're proud about getting thrown off ferries, why don't you go and support West Ham and get the fuck out of my band and go and be a football hooligan? (If you're proud of being thrown off little boats, just go and cheer for West Ham, some other English soccer team other than the one Oasis likes, get out of my band and go and be a soccer-playing Markie Mark.) We're musicians, right? (We play music, right?) Not football hooligans. (Not soccer-playing Vanilla Ices.)
Liam: You're only gutted 'cos you was in bed fuckin' reading your fuckin' books... (You're just ticked off because you were in bed reading Mary Higgins Clark...)
Noel: Not at all. (Am not.) Here's a quote for you from my manager, Marcus Russell... (Here's something my agent said...)
Liam: He's a fuckin'...'nother fuckin'... (He's not a nice man.)
Noel: Shut up, you dick. (Cork it, Liam.) He gets off the ferry after getting fuckin' deported. (He gets off the little boat after getting John Lennon-ed.) I'm left in Amsterdam like a fuckin' spare prick at a fuckin' wedding... (I was feeling very left out...)
Liam: It was a bad move... (It was a bad move...)
Noel: Shut up! (Shut up!) Shut up! (Shut up!) He gets off the ferry and Marcus says, "What the fuck are you doing?" (He gets off the little boat and my agent says, "S'up?") These lot think it's rock 'n' roll to get thrown off a ferry... (These guys think it's rock 'n' roll to get thrown off a little boat...)
Liam: No I don't. (Do not.)
Noel: Shut up, man! (Stick a sock in it, dude!) These lot think it's rock 'n' roll to get thrown off a ferry. (These guys think it's rock 'n' roll to get thrown off a little boat.) Do you know what my manager said to him? (Do you know what the agent I am a little too smugly claiming as my own personal toadie said to him?) He said, "Nah. (He said, "Nah.) Rock 'n' roll is doing your gig, playing your music, coming back and saying you blew 'em away." (Rock 'n' roll is doing your concert, playing your music, coming back and saying, 'Dude, I can't hear out of my left ear!'") Not getting thrown off a ferry like some fuckin' scouse schlepper with handcuffs. ( Not getting thrown off a little boat like some dork from Liverpool, who happens to be in the capable hands of the law. Editor's note: Sorry, my aunt's a cop.) That's football hooliganism, and I won't stand for it. (That's soccer-playing Johnny Doeppaganism, and I'm telling mom if you don't quit it.) And listen, they all got fined a thousand pounds each. (Get this, they all left about 2000 bucks lighter, thanks to the courts.)
Liam: We didn't at all. (Did not.) You can stick your thousand pounds right up yer arse 'till it comes out your fuckin' big toe. (Did not.)

When Noel retires to the toilet, Liam is asked about the band's willingness to be seen as "bad lads." (When Noel goes to the bathroom, Liam is asked about how willing the band is to be seen as "The Rolling Stones.")

Liam: I'm not up for being seen as bad lads, I'm just up for being seen as me. (I don't want to be KISS, I just want to be me.) And what happened on that boat, right, is we had a few drinks, right, 'cos I like drinking. (What happened on that little boat was we had a few drinks, because that's a pretty good excuse for anything, and we always have a "few" drinks.) I love it. (Beer? OK.) I'm into it. (Uh-huh-huh, did I mention the drinking part?)
Noel: [From the bathroom] You can't drink, you dickhead! (You drink like my mom.)
Liam: Who can't drink? (Baking powder?) Well fuckin' where the fuck did it go? (Has anybody seen my beer?) It went right in there, and I dealt with it. (I swallowed the drink, and digested it well.)
Noel: [Still in the bathroom] Eeyare! (YeeeeeHah!) Wooah! (Heeey, Hoooo!)
Liam: Shut up! (Shut up!) Shut up! (Shut up!) I'm not saying I'm proud of what happened, but...that's what happened. (I can't think of anything to say.) That's what occurred that night. (Still can't think of anything to say.) And it's like what Bobby Gillespie said. (And it's like that guy nobody knows said.) He said, "I'm sick of all these fuckin' bands who don't get in situations no more." (That guy said, "I double-dog-dare you to go trash a hotel room.") The last band that did it was the Pistols. (The last band that did it was legally out of their minds.) They'd go out and something would happen. (They'd go out and things would start destroying themselves to save them the trouble.) And that's all it is. (Have I made a point?) That's the way we are, the way I am. ("That's the way we are, the way I am...the Facts of Life.") I always go out and meet some... (I go sit in a bar all night and then come back home and tell you that I...)
Noel: That's bullshit. (What-EVer.) Bullshit. (What-EVer.) Bullshit. (What-EVer.) Bullshit! (What-EVer!)
Liam: Shut the fuck up. (Yeah, well, chuck you, farley.) What you've been ranting on about is bullshit to me. (Can't we all just get along?!?)
Noel: If you think rock 'n' roll is about being arrested... (If you think rock 'n' roll is about being arrested...well, it is, but that's not my point...)
Liam: Rock 'n' roll is about being yourself. (Rock 'n' roll is about being arrested.) And I went on that fuckin' boat, I had a drink, I had too much beer and I got in a fight and that was it. (And I went on that little boat, "One tequila, Two tequila, Three tequila, Floor," I beat this guy up, took his lunch money, and that was it.)
Noel: Rock 'n' roll is about music. (Rock 'n' roll is about music.) Music. (Music.) Music. (Music.) Music. (Noise.) It's not about you, it's not about me, it's not about Oasis. (It's not about you, it's not about me, it's not about Bobby McGee.) It's about the songs. (It's about MY songs.)
Liam: What the fuck were the Pistols, then? (What were the Pistols?)
Noel: Who's talking about the Sex Pistols? (They couldn't play music OR sing.)
Liam: They're the best fuckin' rock band that ever came out. (I'm drunk.) Or one of 'em. (I'm in denial.)
Noel: They're not. (They're not.) They made one album. (They couldn't play music OR sing.)

Q: Would the Stones have done anything without getting arrested and getting people's backs up? (Could Mick's lips have pulled the band into the spotlight on their own, or were they just a little something extra?)

Liam: Would they fuck! (I don't know!) That's why they were so good! (I think it was Mick's lips!)
Noel: [Super-indignant] What? (What?) 'Cos they got arrested! (Because they were just like we are now!) Because the Rolling Stones got arrested they were a great rock 'n' roll band? (I think it was Mick's lips, too.) Fuck off! (I don't THINK so!) Bullshit! (What-EVer!) Bullshit! (What-EVer!)
Liam: But they had summat else there... (But they had Mick's lips...)
Noel: They had what? (Yes, we cannot rule out Mick's lips.) An edge? (I'm trying to figure out what else it could have been.) Is that what you're saying? (It certainly wasn't Mick's voice.)
Liam: A life, you dickhead. (Good lawyers, stupid.)
Noel: We've got a life! (We need good lawyers!) We've got a life! (We need good lawyers!)
Liam: We haven't if you start going on like that. (If you keep acting like that, we're going to end up as hermits after two albums, no longer touring, and putting off the release of a third album! Editor's note: Hee hee hee.) [Liam begins prancing up and down the bedroom] Do you want to walk around like that? (Do you want to be like Richard Simmons?) Like that? (Like that?)
Noel: Not at all. (What's your point?)
Liam: [Still prancing] And get on your stage and go like that... (And go on stage and impersonate the New Kids on the Block...)
Noel: Not at all. (GOD no.) You think it's rock 'n' roll to get thrown off a ferry, and it's not. (You think it's rock 'n' roll to get thrown off a little boat, and it's not. That's only part of it.)
Liam: I don't think it's rock 'n' roll. (That's rock 'n' roll.)
Noel: That was your quote, you prick! (That's what you told the press because it was what they wanted to hear!) It's rock 'n' roooool! (It's rock 'n' roooool!) It's rock 'n' roool! (But I liiike it!)
Liam: I was laughing about it. (I was drunk.) And as far as I'm concerned, I'm into it. (And as far as I'm concerned, it is rock 'n' roll.) Now I'm out of that cell and I got out of that piss bucket, I laugh about it, and I think, Yeah, fuckin' good, man. (Now I'm busted out of the clink, I laugh about it, and I think, to myself, what a wonderful world.) It happened. (It went down like that.) That was reality, mate. (That's what I would have been doing back home anyway, had I not become a member of a very famous rock band.)
Noel: We're not a bunch of boxers. (You're no Mike Tyson.) Are we? (Am I?) The band is about music. (The band is about getting into trouble.) It's not about getting thrown off fuckin' ferries. (It's not about being thrown off little boats.) [Exasperatedly] Why don't you go downstairs and smash up the bar and say you're the singer of Oasis? (Why don't you go do another press benefit?)
Liam: 'Cos I don't want to. (But Noel, I do that EVERY night...) If I did, there's nothing would stop me. (I'm not going to do it because you told me to do it.)
Noel: Then why don't you go and make a scene, then? (Go build up the band's image some more.) Why don't you do a Keith Richards? (Why don't you daah, uhhh aa Kee-keeff, Ri-ri...risherds?) Throw the TV out of the window! (Blast it, Murphy Brown's on again!)
Liam: I don't want to do that. (I'm too drunk.) If I wanted to do it, I'd just go like that and do it and do it. (If I wanted to throw a TV, I'd throw one at you.) But I don't want to do that. (I'm too tired.) I'm not about that. (Besides, Seinfeld 's on.)
Noel: What are you about? (Man, what is your problem?)
Liam: I'm about being... (Uhh...) I'm about going down the fuckin'... (Ummm...) I'm about... (Wait...don't tell me...) [Takes a long slug of Gin n Tonic] That's what I'm about. (I really don't have a clue. Why do you always have to ask these trick questions?)
Noel: Right. (Oh brother.) That's what you're about. (That's what's the matter with you .) I'm talking about our band here. (I'm talking about MY band here.)
Liam: That's what I'm talking about. (Oh yeah! Umm, that's what I was talking about the whole time, yeah, sure, that's the ticket.)
Noel: No you're not. (No you're not.) You're talking about you . (I don't know WHAT you were talking about.) Our band is about tunes. (Our band is about getting into trouble.) He's just said 70 percent of what people are writing about us is the music. (He's just lied, because you can't turn a page in any magazine without reading about one of us punching the other in the eye.) Right. (Right.) I'll take the 70 percent. (...less 100, plus the remainder, divided by the fraction is...) The 30 percent, you can go and fuckin' blow it. (The 30 percent you can take to the bank.)
Liam: Sit down, man. (Have a seat.) Sit down. (Sit, boy.) You're getting into a state. (You're starting to make sense...that could be dangerous.) You've had too many G&Ts. (Hey! You've been drinking out of my bottle!) Sit the fuck down. (Class, please be seated.)
Noel: The thing is, you're not a spokesman for the band. (The thing is, I'm ticked off because you haven't let me blab the whole time.)
Liam: Are you ? (I am.)
Noel: Yeah. (Yeah.) I am. (I am.)
Liam: You might be in your little world, but as far as I'm concerned, if you think what I'm saying is bullshit, I think what you're saying is fuckin' bullshit, man. (No, I am.)
Noel: Fine. (Fine.) You don't speak for the band. (I am.)
Liam: You don't speak for the band. (No, I am.)
Noel: I do speak for the band. (I am.)
Liam: I speak for the band. (No, I am.) I'm speaking now for the band. (I am, I am, I am, no backs.) And I'm into it. (Nanny nanny boo-boo.) I'm into all that fuckin' shit. (What exactly is a spokesman?) [Referring to Noel] He's teetotal. (He takes the cake.) He's a fuckin' priest. (Compared to ME , he's a priest.) He was born to be a priest. (Maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me...)
Noel: No. (No.) The difference is, I don't get caught. (I am Don Corliogne-Gallagher.)
Liam: So what you're trying to say, right, what you're trying to say, you're trying to say, right, that I'm out in a pub, yeah, I have a few beers, yeah, a situation arises, and I'm supposed to go like that? [Makes a girly gesture] (So what you're saying is, like, you're, like, saying, like, what you're saying, say what you say...what were you saying?)
Noel: What pub, where? (When pub, why?)
Liam: ANYWHERE! (That one down the street on the corner.) The boat is the same thing. (A boat is simply a floating pub in the sea of life.)
Noel: It isn't! (No it's not!) 'Cos you're with Oasis! (You're in the family business now, Veto.) You're with the band! (Now Junior, behave yourself.)
Liam: Nah, nah, nah. ("Hey, hey, hey, goodbye.") There's no rules. (We're playing Forty-Niner football now.) Show me the rule book. (I still say the runner was safe on second.) 'Cos if you've got a rule book, what you're saying is complete and utter fuckin' [Picks up the tape recorder and holds it to his mouth] bloooarkybluh! (I've just contradicted myself, and will now try to cover that up by making an irritating noise into the microphone.)
Noel: You walk into hotel foyers and you get everybody at it and you go "Pssst", knocking on people's doors... (I know "foyer", that's a big word, so I'm smarter than you...)
Liam: I'm having the crack. (Yes, I usually AM having the crack.) It's not doing anyone any harm. (I'm not hurting anyone until I, like...punch someone, or something.) That's me. (I'm silly.) John Lennon used to fuckin' burn about doing little mad things... (Is it so WRONG to have heroes?!?)
Noel: Do you know John Lennon? (I am now changing the subject to a very strange rhetorical question.)
Liam: Do you know him? (Why are you asking me this?)
Noel: I don't, but do you? (I'm looking for a mint condition autograph...)
Liam: Yeah. (Now that you mention it, I am getting something...a past life, a little bit fuzzy...)
Noel: Well, you must be pretty old. (I think you're senile.) How old are you? (I've forgotten a few of your birthdays again, haven't I?) 21? (Let's see...the last time I got you a present.....9?)
Liam: No. (No.) About fuckin' thousand and five fuckin' one. (And infinity plus one, too.)
Noel: You're 22. (Or was it 8...)
Liam: I'm 21. (I can drink in the US if I want to, and you can't stop me.)
Noel: Right. (Oh yeah, 21.) And remember, I watched you being born, and I don't even know John Lennon. (Since I was 13 and you were 8 when John Lennon was killed in New York, it's safe to assume that neither of us was travelling abroad at the time, so...what was I talking about?) So shut the fuck up about knowing John Lennon. (Oh, yeah. So there.)
Liam: Well what are you trying to say then? (Ummm, you lost me.) You want us to be teetotal and walk around and go like that? [More prancing] (Do you think we could get any money if we did our own 30-minute work-out video?)
Noel: Music! (Music!) Music! (Music!) Music! (Noise!) Music! (Loud!) Music! (Money!) It's all about music! (It's all about money! I mean music!)
Liam: You want to be Keith Richards. (You want to be somebody who doesn't speak a definable word and almost falls down at least twice in all his interviews.) Admit it. (Ahhhdmih ih.)
Noel: Let's talk about music. (Let's talk about me.) Let's not talk about you being a hard guy. (Let's not talk about you.) Let's talk about music. (Let's talk about me.) Let's talk about music! (Let's talk about me!)
Liam: You're getting hung up about a situation that occurred on a boat! (But I like talking about me!)

Q: Let's go back to where we were, people saying "I go on Oasis's tour bus and you can't move for drugs and they're up all night." (True Stories of the Highway Patrol.) You're up for that? (Let's talk about something you BOTH can agree on.)

Noel: People are sat in England, right now, in flats across the country, whether it be Glasgow, Manchester, Birmingham, London, Leeds, Liverpool, Sheffield...in rooms like this. ("It's a small world after all...") And they've all got drugs out. (England - The Untold Story.) This is part of life . (You mean some people DON'T do drugs?!?)
Liam: Exactly. (You're KIDDING!) So shut the fuck up, man! (Must fight with Noel...) You're just contradicting yourself, you've had too many drinks. (We're out of Tonic.) I don't want to go on about how I'm a hard fucker. (Let's talk about how mean and surly I am again.) I'm in this band to make music, but that'll come along with it. (If I just go around getting into bar-room brawls with people, then the Hit-Record fairy will fly through my window and bring me an album every few months.) It always does. (Right?)

Q: The Who hated each other as well. (If you can't beat 'em, encourage 'em.)

Liam: Yeah, well I hate this bastard. (Noel and I are very close.)

Q: Is that what fires this band up? (Is that what splits this band up?)

Liam: Yeah. (Yeah.) That's what it's all about. (You do the Hokey-Pokey and you turn yourself around.) That's why we'll be the best band in the world, because I fuckin' hate that twat there. (That's why we'll be the best band in the world, because we can't even stand to be in the same room together.) And I hope one day there's a release where I can smash fuck out of him, with a fuckin' Rickenbacker, right on his nose, and then he does the same to me, 'cos I think we're stepping right up to it now. ( Editor's note: I can't top that line. It's perfect the way it is.) There's a fuckin' line there, and we're right on the edge of it. (We're a bit over the edge.)

Q: How often do you argue like this? (How do you still get people to come within a ten foot radius of you?)

Liam: Every day. (Every minute.)
Noel: Hourly. (Second-ly.)

Q: And how do you manage to go on stage with each other? (How can you both not have driven each other insane by now?)

Liam: I've got a mike stand, right, and that's what I'm into, what I'm about. (I'm the singer for Oasis.) I'm not going to fuck off because he thinks my views are too outrageous or whatever. (See, if I go now, he wins by default, and that would really hurt my image.) I've got my vibe, and I go to that mike stand, and I do my business. (Did I mention I was the singer for Oasis?) He stands in his fuckin' corner, he does his little riffs and his little dance - let him do that. (Noel is the guitarist, with occasional choreographic interludes.) McGuigan does his bit, I'll do my bit, the drummer does his bit. (I think there's some other people in the band too...) That's what it's all about. (And you shake it all about.) Five people, not one. (Together we stand, divided we fall.)

Q: Do you have any recurring dreams? (I think I'll ask a completely pointless, off-the-topic question now, to see what else I can get them to fight over.)

Noel: Yeah. (Yeah.) Just the one. (Me and Cindy Crawford...)
Liam: [Menacingly] I take over the band. (Hey, I've had that one too!)



"The 'Translated' Version of Wibbling Rivalry" transcript (The original Wibbling Parody) written exclusively by: whatsthestory & morningglory, Bonehead's Bank Holiday editors. Copyright 1996.

TaKe It HoMe

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