Inside is a black and white picture of Noel sitting on a Marshall amp

He would like to go on the piss with some aliens and desperately wants to meet Brett Anderson. Noel Gallagher plonks his arse on the Psychobabble couch and lets rip...

Would you be willing to go to a slaughterhouse and kill a cow?

No. If I had to, I would. If it was either me or the cow, the cow's gonna get it.

What's the worst psychological torture you can imagine suffering?

Being sat beside Liam on a 15-hour flight. It happened just the once, going to Japan or somewhere. It's just horrible.

Is your role as big brother to the band?

As long as I don't turn into Eddie Vedder, whingeing about everything, I'll be alright. I'm big brother to Liam only in the fact that I am actually his brother. I try not to give him any advice 'cause he wouldn't take it anyway. Everybody's old enough to look after themselves. I just don't like it when it gets in the way of the music, that's all.

How do you picture your funeral?

I'm not really bothered 'cause I won't be there. I don't give a shit.

Do you believe in life after death?

No.

Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits?

No, I believe in karma, though. I think about this quite alot. I do sit up for hours debating the meaning of life with friends. I believe what you give is what you get.

How's your karmic balance looking?

Fine. I don't tend to get into that much trouble and I don't tend to give people shit.

How do you rate yourself as a rock star?

As hellraiser, I'd say that I was way below average, but as rock star, I'm probably quite interesting. It depends on whether you like me or not. If you don't, then you'll probably think, 'Stupid twat, I hope he dies'.

When was the last time you fell over?

That would have been getting on the plane going to Australia.

Would you ever have plastic surgery?

No.

Do you read your old interviews?

No I don't. I wouldn't want to 'cause I know what I've said in them. I'd laugh. If there's something I can't remember saying, I'd probably go back and read it and wonder what all the fuss was about. I'm paid to be a bullshitter, so therefore I bullshit. That's what rock'n'rollers are supposed to do, aren't they? That's waht I was told when I was growing up with The Sex Pistols, anyway. I don't know where it got waylaid by politically correct bands f*****g pissing about, talking about f*****g rainforests and all that. But it's a changing world in which we live.

Have you grown up much since you started?

Oh yeah, I've had to. I think the songwriting shows it. I suppose I'll always be a bit young and foolish, but you can't go on being a rocker at 50, can you? You can't go on pretending to be Johnny Rotten at 40. Even though he did. But he's good at it. Jagger's a pretty good rock star...Nah, he's not, he's pathetic. I like him as a person, I've met him a few times, but wearing tights on stage at 50? A grown man shouldn't be doing that.

Where will you be at 50?

Me? I'm finished at 35, anyway. I'll be a songwriter, some kind of Burt Bacharach-type character. Sitting behind the piano crooning with some orchestra full of chicks or summat.

You turned 30 this year, how was that for you?

I've always been 30 I think, since I was about 18, so that it's not that much different. It takes me longer to get over me hangovers, and I'm getting a bit fatter. That's all I've noticed, really. Getting a bit puffy 'round the face. But it's a state of mind, innit, yer age.? I don't think about it that much, really. I wouldn't want to be 17 again, put it that way. I'm getting a bit tired of it now, so I'll be five years more tired of it in five years. All of the extracurricular activities take it out of you. I haven't got as much stamina asd I used to.

Extra curricular? Er, doing promotion?

Yeah, all that stuff, and staying up all night partying takes it out of you as well.

Is that necessary?

It keeps you sane, anyway.

Or insane?

It keeps me sane. I couldn't just go on the road and go to bed after the gig. F*** that. There's got to be more in it for you than that: just do your job and go home. You're just working for The Man then, aren't you? Working for the record company. You've got to make the record company work by f*****g hiring a few decent lawyers to get you a bastard aeroplane somehwre. In five years, Oasis are only gonna make two more records.

What's that last one gonna sound like?

Probably shit. I dunno. I just don't see meslef doing it when I'm 37, 38. You have to look back at what you wanted when you started, and I've got everything I wanted. Then again, if it goes on for 10 years and I'm still enjoying it then, so be it. I'm, in a funny mood today.

What's your favourite Oasis song today?

Today? The Masterplan.

How are Oasis comparable to The Beatles now?

We're not. We're working class and we're from the northwest of England and it just about ends there.

You both turn a good tune...

Yeah, I'm a pretty good songwriter and they were pretty good songwriters. Then again, there were three of them and there's just one of me. Our version of "I Am The Walrus" is better than theirs.

What are you like when you're drunk?

Funny. I usually end up standing up against a wall and, as the night wears on, sliding further down the wall telling shit jokes.

Are you a lover or a fighter?

A lover.

If you had a birthday party, which three people would you invite, and which three would you bar?

I'd invite Paul Weller, 'cause he makes me laugh. (Long pause) Just me and Paul Weller and the wife. No, Johnny Depp, 'cause he's me mate. And one of the Spice Girls, to give her a good kicking, I suppose. I'd bar Damon Albarn, the head of Cathay Pacific and brett Anderson - no, actually I'd like to meet Brett Anderson. Another one of the Spice Girls, then.

What's your most annoying habit?

Always being right.

Can you urinate in front of another person?

Yeah.

Who do you admire most?

Me mam, 'cause she brought me up. Me younger brother, 'cause he's as daft as a brush and makes me laugh. Paul Weller, 'cause he's still got his integrity after all these years.

When was the last time you were sick?

I got a stomach bug in the middle of the last American tour. I was a bit dizzy and pukin' up. Had to sit in a chair onstage. I don't usually get sick 'cause I take too many tablets.

I a flying saucer landed and some aliens offered toi take you away for five years, would you go?

I'd give up everything I f*****g ever made out of this band to go to another planet with some aliens. I'd give all I've got to go the moon.

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c 1998 Andrew Turner

aturner@interalpha.co.uk

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