"Oasis Go Back to Their Roots In Swanky French Pleasuredome"

Noel Gallagher's latest brainwave is to make a new Oasis album. So far, so strange, but in bid to get back to the band's roots, keeping it real and raw, like the early days when they all lived in a van and ate nothing but stale mud, Noel's gone and rented out a slummy old French chateau to make up their new songs in. Poor lambs.

Noel will be happy with his temporary home as it is just a few miles from Europe's largest liqourice farm. The farm grows over 400 million tons of the stuff each year, and Noel's obsession with the elasticated sweetmeat is well documented, as anyone who saw him attending the premiere of George Of the Jungle last year wearing a a pair of hand-stitched liquorice shoes will know.

Liam will be looking to vent some of his pent-up short-arsed frustrations. He'll be delighted to know that there are many miles of woodland around the chateau, allowing him to hunt wild animals for hours on end. And when he's caught them, he can simply tie paparazzi-style zoom lens cameras around their necks and release them, before hunting them all again.

Guigsy will be able to indulge in his hobby-cum-mild-fetish of grape-treading. Some wines are brewed in this area, but in most of the region, grapes are trod just for the fun of it. This will delight Guigs who demanded a small paddling pool filled with black grapes for him to trudge around in during Oasis' last European tour as part of the rider.

Alan White owes his life to drumming. Fortunately, the chateau is very close to an exclusive "rhythm retreat" where stressed executives can spend a carefree week running around hitting anything feom dustbin lids to sedated overweight wrestlers. The Who's Keith Moon was a regular for many years until he tried to chop the roof off with a chainsaw.

Bonehead has no hobbies. He lives solely to protect his fellow bandmates, waking every hour to check each of them for a pulse before kissing them gently atop their foreheads.

public nme

...the truth is , none of your pop stars are actually human. No, hang on, come back, we have picture proff! For on the very same day that Liam Gallagher was snapped coming out of the Foot Locker bar in Nice, a national tabloid newspaper printed a picture of him and Patsy emerging from a London antenatal clinic after having a scan of their alleged child! Which means that either is Liam is some weird shape-morphing alien clone-type monster or - and this is highly illogical, pop chums - said paper have allegedly pulled the whole Oasis sprog story out of their arses. Spooky business, eh?

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c 1998 Andrew Turner

aturner@interalpha.co.uk

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