He’s gone - voluntarily exiled from Oasis and back in his big house with his wife and kids. But how could we ever forget Paul "Bonehead" Arthurs’ five-year reign as the balding monarch of rock.

After an LA show on Oasis’ 1995 US tour, one persistent member of the audience managed to work his way backstage. Having examined Paul "Bonehead" Arthurs’ technique throughout the show, he felt qualified to offer his opinion. "Man," he said, "all you played was, like, A, C, D or G." Bonehead, never one to fuss over the finer details of diminished sevenths or alternative tunings, replied: "Listen, dickhead, that might well be all I played, but I’m the one playing it, I’m the one in the band, and you paid to see me do it."

True, his musical ability may have been as limited as his ability to grow hair - but when Bonehead and British rock parted company last month, something indefinably wonderful was lost. He left, inevitably says, to "concentrate on other things". "Other things" like sitting about at his £600,000 house and examining his estimated £5 million nest-egg, no doubt. The news-breaking press release made no mention of animosity, but leaving midway through the recording of a crucial new album hardly reeks of a friction-free parting of ways. And this is Oasis, remember.

The inevitable rumours claim that he was helped out of the band by an increasingly irritated Noel Gallagher who found the rhythm guitarist’s behaviour hampering his leader’s quest to re-establish Oasis as a credible musical force. During tense studio sessions, he’d apparently repeatedly taken Liam out on the piss, ensuring that nothing productive could actually get done. And you can just imagine that impossibly brusue, no-nonsense voice intoning "I don’t f***in’ want to sound like the f***in’ Beta Band."

Such stories shouldn't surprise. In his own field of endeavour - basic, honest-to-goodness piss artistry - Bonehead's certainly some kind of genius, and he's an undeniable part of whatever made Oasis great: the archetypal feller-down-the-pub who started the band but whose most vital asset was the van. In a twist on the DIY punk-rock 'anyone can do it' ethos, Bonehead showed that that was true - if you had talented mates.

But perhaps that's rather cruel. Let us not forget that it was Bonehead's "Imagine"-cribbing piano that opened "Don't Look Back In Anger", that he delivered the pulsating four-note riff that glued together "Up In The Sky" (when they played it live, anyway), or that it was his lead vocals that made "Bonehead's Bank Holiday" [except it wasn't him, it was Noel - Bonehead was too drunk at the relevant time to record - Andrew] such a tour de force. Still, most of the time he was content to chug along with the aid of what musos dismissively call barre chords - like Richey Manic, only turned up.

He is, in fact, a person of myriad contradictions - and ex-plasterer who did up the lovely room on the cover of "Definitely Maybe" but who also loved nothing better than to smash up hotel interiors; the family-man diplomat who broke up much brotherly in-fighting but who relished causing trouble and who wasn't above a spot of thuggism. Liam thought he was hilarious. Noel often found him less so.

It's said that when the ravens at the Tower of London fly away, the country will fall. Similarly, it's hard not to suspect that Bonehead's departure speaks of potentially cataclysmic ructions within the kingdom of Oasis. As a news item, it might have been eclipsed by The Eclipse, but no-one should underestimate the tragedy that has befallen music.

Of course, this veritable King of Rock does have his own recording studio so, you never know, perhaps we will find out he was the real talent all aong. For now, though, we're left with a heartwarming story of bars and barre chords, of money in the bank and, er, having a wank...

Bone Idol

Five Great Bonehead Moments

1 "COME ON MR BUNNY, BEDDY TIMES'

It's 4am during the 'Definitely Maybe' sessions in South Wales. After an extensive alcohol session, everyone has headed bedward. But there's one man for whom the night is still young. Guigs remembers: "You can hear him walking downstairs going, 'What do I do? I know, phone people up.' So after he's tried a few people, he's decided, 'I know, ring the Roses.' So John Squire comes on the phone and Bonehead puts on a Rasta accent, 'Hey man, is that the man Squire from the Squire family, we meet you at the corner, man, get you some toot.' Then he puts the phone down and rings up again. as an Indian curry shop owner." After much solo hilarity, Bonehead does repair to bed, only to resurface to shout out of his window, "Ya f***ing Mr Bunny, go to bed, go to bed, come on Mr Bunny, beddy times." Inevitably, he wakes the whole studio. The next morning, Noel appears in an evil mood, saying to Bonehead, "You better go to fucking bed, dickhead, because I don’t want to see you." Bonehead leaves.

2 'GOT TO BE DONE"

The morning after a late night hotel bender, Bonehead turns to Guigsy's temporary replacement, Scott McLeod, asking, "How did you get on with that girl last night?"

Scott replies, "She said a few daft things. I thought, she's a spunker, so I went to bed."

"Did you have a wank?" Bonehead demands.

Scott, embarrassed and defensive, replies negatively.

"Listen, mate," Bonehead admonishes, "In this band you're either shagging or having a wank. Got to be done, innit? Got to be done."

3 BONEHEAD'S BATH (EDITED HIGHLIGHTS)

Bonehead and Liam, hanging around at a venue while on tour in Europe...

Bonehead: "I think I'll get Robbo [then tour manager Ian Robertson] to sort a car out."

Liam: "What for?"

B: "To get a bath."

L: "What?"

B: "I wanna get back to the hotel for a bath."

L: "Whaddya mean a bath?"

B: "A bath!"

L: "A bath?!"

B: "I mean, madhead, a bath... a deep porcelain bowl into which I'll pour hot water."

L: "Nobody has a bath! Baths are for puffs. What's the point of a bath? You're gonna sweat all up again... don’t have a bath."

B: "I'm having a bath."

L: "No, you're not. You can’t be in Oasis if you have a bath

B: "I’m having a bath."

L: "Oasis, don't have baths."

4 NUKING NEWPORT

During their first UK tour in 1994, Bonehead excels himself in Oasis' in-band gonzo olympics. The breakdown-bound Guigs has a go at keeping up - "I never got into bed the whole time. I got carried up and put on a few, but I never got in one." But Bone is in another league entirely. Not content with 'van surfing' over his colleagues' heads while he's actually meant to be driving the van, he takes to destroying hotel rooms like a true champion. In Newport, every last bit of his room is hurled from the window - even the bed. The following morning sees Bonehead eating breakfast while disconsolate hotel employees carry tyre-marked duvets, pillows, towels and a broken-up bed through the hotel foyer. "What now?" Bonehead gurgles. "It’s getting so bad I want to put an orange in my mouth, hang myself and do the Tory MP thing."

5 FASHION DISASTER

Taking time out from recording the new album, on Tuesday 24 February of this year Bonehead attends a launch party with Noel and Liam organised by Meg at Tommy Hilfiger's store on New Bond Street, London.

After partaking in much free champagne, Bonehead starts discussing the finer points of haute couture with Tommy. He asks the designer if he could knock up a suit for a court appearance against Tony McCarroll. "If I don’t get it, I'm going down the road to Gucci right now."

Later on, he starts shouting abusively, attracting the attentions of security who call in a passing police constable. He is told by said constable to leave, but declines to do so, instead choosing to continue shouting and swearing at security guards. He's eventually arrested for being drunk and disorderly and taken to West End Central police station. After receiving a formal warning, Bonehead is released at 4.30am. Noel and Liam, for once, are not involved.

Come Back With Me or knocker ya fucking students

Bonehead in his own words

On politics - "I've always voted Labour. New Labour, old Labour, Labour's Labour to me."

On the Prodigy - "Can’t handle them. No way. When we played Knebworth we had these big caravans, one each. When the Prodigy were doing their set I was trying to get me head down. They kept me awake with their 'duhduhduhduh'. The caravan was rattling and I was going, 'Fuck, turn this racket down'. I felt just like me old man, y'know when you used to be up in your room, speakers pelting, and this realised then me dad had it right all along."

On Liam - "He lives with it permanent, doesn’t he? It pisses him off, but he deals with it. If I was in his shoes, f***ing hell, I'd be out there with a flamethrower."

On his nickname - "I got it when I was nine. Everyone had long hair then. All the lads in my class were cool as fuck, but I've got these mad Irish parents who were like, 'Ye'll get a shortback-and-sides now and that'll be it. I'm gonna get a big toupee, a big curly perm and a 'tache.’ Just lose the plot. It's nearly gone anyway, I'm just hanging on to the last shreds of it, but when I get me perm the plot's out the window."

On Tony McCarroll's sacking - "There's no guilt. If the five of us owned a fish and chip shop, and he wasn’t putting enough batter on the fish or he weren't frying 'em right or he was burning the chips - right, you're sacked."

On the perils of fame - "I keep getting pissed up students with round glasses and spots corning crawling round me doorstep at 3am, knocking milk bottles over. They robbed me f***in’ door knocker! It was a top one from 1892 when the house was built. Screwed it right off and did one. It was 3am and I couldn’t go out with fuck-all on. So the nearest thing to hand was me bird's dress. So I stuck a dress on, my hair's all over the place, what hair I've got, I took a baseball bat and went out to the street. And I'm out in the street going, 'Come back with me door knocker ya f***ing students!' And we live on a little quiet avenue, and all the neighbours are hanging out their windows, going, 'Check him out! Weirdo!"'

On the band leader - "Noel said to me one time in the studio, I was having a bit of a one in the studio, and he says, 'Bonehead, man. All it is is five lads from Burnage making music, that's all it fucking is, so get with it or you're sacked."'

On when it all ends - "It won’t be over in sense that we're never going to see each other,... I know it won’t. I know for a fact that when this ends I'll walk round the corner to my local pub and [Liam] will be sitting there. And I'll say, 'Liam, let's get a beer.' And we'll get f***in’ lushed up. And everyone else'll be going, 'Look at them two, they were in Oasis, they made six albums'."

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c 1999 Andrew Turner

aturner@interalpha.co.uk

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