"Yeah" - the Meg Mathews column"

I can't believe that everyone has been saying that there has been a falling out between Kate Moss and me - we've been best nates for years. We met up the other afternoon just before I flew off on holiday and she flew to Milan to appear on the catwalk for Versace. We were joined by Billy Zane, who is in London for a couple of months filming Cleopatra. It's Kate's 25th birthday next week - she's throwing a bit of a bash in Paris, but I won't be able to make it as Noel and I will still be in the Far East, so expect more ridiculous stories of rifts and argy bargys just because I can't be there.

Later that day I went for sausage and mash at Jerusalem with Noel, Fran and Phoebe who works with Stella McCartney at Chloe. WE drank loads of red wine and met up with Rose Ferguson, who's a model with very long skinny legs (God, it's unfair), and her botfriend, Barery, who's an artist. He gave us all exquisite robots made out of Styrofoam cups that he had spray-painted.

As I was packing to go away, the dogs all sulked on the bed and really started playing up. The worst thing about going on holiday is leaving all my pets behind - I phone home and leave messages on the answering machine so that they can hear my voice, but I still miss them like crazy. I read a book called What Animals Tell You, which says that you should always tell your cat that you are going away and when you will be back, and not to slink off without a word. I've already made friends with a local dog and he comes and sits outside our room and barks at 7am.

As soon as Noel and I arrived at our exotic, far-flung destination, probably one of the most beautiful places in the world, do you know the first thing we did? Sat down to watch the live transmission of West Ham versus Man United! So romantic! Even when that match was blacked out during a power cut at Old Trafford, we still managed to watch Aston Villa versus Middlesborough. No wonder Noel never goes very brown.

I've brought a laptop DVD and loads of videos starring Bruce Willis in case we get bored, but I can't figure how to get rid of the subtitles. Noel is out by the pool this evening drinking Tequila slammers and I'm stuck indoors writing my column. We spent all day on a boat surrounded by the most lethal-looking jellyfish you can imagine. At least they'll keep any snorkelling paparazzi away, so my all-over tan is coming along nicely.

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c 1998 Andrew Turner

aturner@interalpha.co.uk

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