So you worship Placebo’s Brian Molko and think he’s the ultimate role model? Well, our eight point guide to achieving his ‘unique’ look is probably just what you’ve been waiting for…
1. The hair: Brian’s classic Louise Brookes girl cut may appear to take many hours of expensive tweaking and fondling from a team of Filipino she-males midgets to perfect. But you can achieve the same results in minutes by simply stealing the dabby bits out of a hundred Sherbet Dips, sellotaping then together into a freakish sweet wig and slapping it on your head, being careful not to accidently eat the whole thing in the process. For extra authenticity, you might like to sprinkle on a centre parting and “burgeoning bald spot” of pure cocaine.
2. The eyes: Ooh, ain’t they dark and mysterious and oozing suggestions of weirdie rhubarb sex? And yours can be too – without the expense of buying shares in Max Factor. All you have to do is go round to Mark E Smith’s house and tell him you’ve just been hired as his new bassist. Repeat every two to three weeks to keep the bruising fresh.
3. The nose: Elegant, enigmatic, stately, provocative, sexy. Bash yourself in the face with a steam iron for two hours.
4. The pout: Fag or no fag (and indeed, who really knows?), the Molko pout must be maintained at all times. Brian himself has undergone months of rigorous lip training to reach a level of pout endurance only previously held by Donna Matthews and Tanita Tikaram (although experts are considering disqualifing Tanita for using “sulk aids”). But you can achieve similar results without having to have any teeth removed, simply by sticking a skewer through both of your cheeks and attaching the ends to your earlobes. Don’t worry; your gruesome face wounds will be hidden by your liquorice hair. And even if they’re not, it never did Seal and harm did it? Alternatively, keep a nest of Albanian Bollock Beetles in your underpants.
5. The wings: Um, not quite sure about these.
6. The t-shirt: Skin tight, black and transparent, as worn by musclebound German bricklayers to expose their sweat-glistening torsos to the panting Frauleins, or by everyone at a Come as Your Favourite Member of Depeche Mode party. If you can’t afford your own and aren’t hard enough to mug a Village People covers band, try stealing a lady’s stocking, cut off the foot and two arm-holes and ask the emergency services to help you wriggle into it. Always keep a pair of scissors handy while inside the item, just in case you want to breathe at any point.
7. The packet: Tight as a badger’s chuff and twice as lumpy, the Molko lunchbox is the epicentre of the entire look, the source of the elusive sex scent which makes Brian irresistible to humans and antelopes. Clearly we mere mortals can never hope to emulate the unimaginable wonders at rest within, but the closest we can come is to insert either a) a bag of marbles and a mini-Babybel, b) a small but rather frisky stoat and a saveloy or c) the machine from the National Lottery, complete with B-list soap actor to “press the magic button”.
8. The girl’s lower apparel: Skirts, stockings, high heels, tights with easy access bottom holes, frilly women’s knickers; Brian is famous for – and extra felchable because of – his crossdressing tendencies. If you’re a girl, or Scottish, you may already be dressed as our Bri, but for all you males (or are you?), the only way is to grit your teeth and brave the TopShop dressing rooms with something approaching dignity. And remember, in the Molko world of fashion, black is always in.