Darien, in the meantime, was having a heart-to-heart talk with his cape.
“Oh, I love you soooo much but we don’t really know each other. What’s your favorite color?” Darien asked.
The cape just sat there.
“Really? I never liked that color myself. Tell me honestly, what do you think of my curtains?”
Still the cape just sat.
“What?! You hate them?! I spent hours picking out the fabric! How dare you insult my draperies! I’m sorry but this relationship is OVER!”
The cape continued to sit there.
“I have better things to do than... spend time with ignorant pieces of clothing like you. Good bye!” And Darien stormed out of his apartment. And marched right back in. “This is MY place; YOU leave!” And he threw the cape out the window.
Serena was just about to go into Darien’s apartment building when the world around her went dark. “Aaaaah!” she screamed. Then she realized that something had fallen over her head. Pulling it off, Serena was shocked to realize it was THE cape.
“Darien must not want you anymore!” she exclaimed. “Even though you are beatiful...” Serena hugged it, then screamed and threw it far away. “I can’t let it get control over me!” she shouted, running into the building.
The cape had, in the meantime, just landed in front of Rini. She squealed in delight and wrapped herself up in it, falling instantly into its spell. She stayed there with it until she died of exposure. There was much rejoicing.
Since the cape had been infected with the evil that is Rini, it spontaneously combusted. Serena was happy. “Now I can have Darien again.” And she went up to his apartment.
She pushed the door open and was astonished to see Darien and the curtains curled up on the couch watching a movie. They were apparantly watching a sad romantic movie, for Darien was crying into the fabric. As Serena got closer she saw that it was...
“ ‘Toy Story’?”
Darien jumped in surprise. “How dare you interrupt our intimate moment!”
“You’re crying at ‘Toy Story’!”
He sniffed. “I happen to think it’s a touching story.”
“Darien....” Serena grabbed the curtains, and Darien screamed and launched after her.
Serena deftly threw them out the window.
“Nooo! My darling! I can’t live without you!” Darien prepared to jump from the balcony. Serena leapt after him, barely managing to catch one leg. Serena struggled to pull him up while he screamed “No! Let me die! Just let me die!!!”
‘No, Darien! I love you!” shrieked Serena. “Somebody help me! I can’t pull him up!” Her shouts echoed across Tokyo.
Suddenly, there was a man next to her. He helped pull the sniveling Darien up, then prepared to leave.
“Wait! Who are you?” Serena asked.
He shrugged. “Just some extra.” Then he left.
Serena shrugged and looked confused but forgot about it after a while. “Darien, I love you! Please come back to me!” Serena whined and burst out crying.
“But... the curtains!” Darien cried.
“Oh, screw the- no, never mind, I did NOT mean that! WAAAAAAAHHHH!”
There they were, Serena and Darien both wailing like two schoolchildren who had been hurt while sliding down the slide (or something else like that) when the door opened.
“Stop your crying. You can both do good if you believe in yourself,” said the shadow standing in the doorway.
Serena had stopped wailing and was sobbing and looked perplexed. ‘It can’t be! That white cape, that turban, it’s- the Moonlight Knight!”
“Yes, it IS I, the Moonlight Knight.”
“But if you’re here, then Tuxedo Mask must be gone but he’s not so... what’s up?”
“Well-” And the Moonlight Knight was interrupted by Darien.
“I’ve fooled you, Serena, I’m NOT really Darien,” Darien said, completely composed now.
“That was supposed to be MY line!” whined the Moonlight Knight. “I wanted to say it!” He stomped his foot and looked upset.
“Uh... sorry. Anyway, I am simply posing as Darien so I could... I could... well, there was really no alterior motive,” the fake Darien said. “And I’m sorry about the cape and stuff,” he said, looking sheepish.
“It’s a good thing Darien doesn’t have shag carpeting,” Serena mumbled.
“What was that?” chorused the Moonlight Knight and the fake Darien.
“Nothing,” she said and did her best I’m-an-innocent-Sailor-Scout look. “So... who are you really?”
“Well... I’m... come here and I’ll tell you,” the fake Darien said and motioned Serena over. He whispered in Serena’s ear and she started giggling. Then laughing. Then she lost control and was rolling on the floor.
‘Hahahaha...
The fake Darien was turning red and looked a bit flustered.
“Can I tell everyone?” asked Serena between laughing fits.
“Uh... I... guess so.”
“It’s not Darien it’s...” she looked at him and burst out laughing. “It’s... Ryan Stiles!”
There was silence (except for her laughing) and someone spoke up. “Who the hell is that?!”
“Ya know, from ‘The Drew Carey Show’? Was a regular on ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway’?”
“Oh.”
“Wait,” said Serena, “So where’s the REAL Darien?”
Ryan scratched his head. “I dunno. Somewhere in Sumeria B. C. 787.”
“Oh... it’s all so clear now,” Serena said and rolled her eyes.
“So, you think my dear curtains are all right?” said Ryan-as-Darien.
“Sure.” She hurried down, picked up the slightly dirty curtains, and came back to give them to Ryan. He smiled and hugged them.
“So, will you leave me alone now?” he asked.
“Okay.” So Serena left.
“Phew, I can’t believe that worked!” said Darien, who had been lying about the whole Ryan thing to get his dear curtains.
“What?” he asked them. “What’s that? You think I’m much cuter than Ryan Stiles? Oh, thank you!”
Then: “What?! You want to... you think we’re ready? That’s a big step in our relationship... well, okay.” They rushed off to the bedroom.
The Moonlight Knight, who had bene hiding in the pantry, heaved a sigh of relief. “Thank God Darien said HE was Ryan Stiles so I didn’t have to reveal that I was actually me. I mean, that me was actually I. Wait, umm... I’M Ryan Stiles!” he said. “It would have made much more sense if he had said he was Clive Anderson.” And laughter was heard as if they were in the Channel Four studio.
Just then, Darien ran out of the apartment screaming “Apricots!” for no apparent reason and ran down to where his bus was parked. He drove away.
Lita was at the grocery store picking up some tofu when Darien drove up and ran in.
“Apricots! I need apricots! Now!” Darien screamed as he ran amok through the store.
“Darien!” Lita yelled. “What do you need apricots for?”
“My curtains and I are looking for the perfect trail mix recipe and we just got done with the coconut and we need apricots.”
“Oh. I thought you guys had... a *different* sort of relationship...”
“Did you think we played chess?! No, not at all! And we have yet to have cappuccino together! We’re not kinky!”
“Well, that’s not what *I* heard!”
“And who have you been talking to? Not that silly Moonlight Knight again, I hope.”
“No... let’s just say I’m quite popular with certain textile products.”
“So you’re the spy my curtains keep telling me about.”
“Actually, I was just making stuff up. I have nothing worthwhile to say but I figure that if Clive Anderson can get mentioned so can I.” And she ran off.
Flaminia et Marius sunt in cubiculo. Sunt laetissimi. Flamini Mario cupit, et Marius Flaminiam cupit. In cubiculo-
“Okay, stop with the suggestive Latin story!” shouted Darien. “Geez, my curtains and I aren’t nearly that bad!” Frustrated, he went home with his apricots.
“How come I haven’t gotten to do anything?” asked Nephrite. “Last you readers saw me, I was eating a sandwich in Anthracite Coal Land. Well, I’m back now!” Nephrite was, in fact, going to Molly’s house. Unfortunately, he knew he wasn’t going to be allowed inside. He’d heard Jadeite had faced a similar problem. “I’ll go see how he did it!” Nephrite said, smiling.
Jadeite was wandering the streets looking for... something when Nephrite came up to him.
“How’d you do it?” Nephrite asked.
“Um... very... carefully?” Jadeite asked cautiously.
“Really?! Thansk!” Nephrite said and ran off.
He returned a few seconds later. “Could you be more specific?” he asked Jadeite, who shook his head, looking confused. “How’d you get into Rei’s temple?!” Nephrite asked.
“Oh.” Jadeite blushed. “Um... go ask Zoisite for help.”
Nephrite went to Kunzite and Zoisite’s house. “Zoisite, how did Jadeite get to see Rei?” Nephrite asked.
“Um... come here and I’ll tell you,” Zoisite said and whispered into Nephrite’s ear. Nephrite turned bright red and got embarassed.
“He... did that?! Um... I REALLY wanna see Molly but... well, do you think I have the legs for it?”
“Well, Kunzite wears long skirts sometimes when we go out so it doens’t really matter.”
“I don’t know... do you have any other suggestions?”
“Well, you could appear in her room late at night and make her sheets disappear and... whatever else is necessary.”
“You’re right... nah, I think I’ll go for the dress. But who shall I say I am?” Nephrite asked and walked over to Kunzite’s closet.
Zoisite joined him and started picking up random items of clothing and holding them up against Nephrite. “Well, her teacher Ms. Haruna has the same hair... with the right padding and makeup you could almost pass.”
They finally decided on a nice lime green dress that resembled Ms. Haruna’s dress (Zoisite said he found it at a garage sale and liked it because it brought out the green in his eyes.)
Nephrite drove himself over to Molly’s house, walked up to the door, and rang the doorbell. Molly answered it. “Ms. Haruna?!”
“Um.. er... no, Molly, it’s me...” Nephrite said, turning bright red.
“Nephrite?! Wow... um... no one’s home... we can... play chess if you like...”
“Oh... that would be... nice...” Nephrite said and went inside and slammed the door.
A half hour later, Molly was beating Nephrite miserably. He groaned as she made a final move and said, “Checkmate!”
“Okay, how about if we DON’T play chess?” she suggested.
So they spent the afternoon playing Mouse Trap and the classic, Guess Who.
Meanwhile, Darien was eating a jelly donut. He likes jelly donuts. That, and there was nothing else to eat but jelly donuts. Actually, Darien was experiencing a jelly donut illusion: everything he ate tasted like jelly donuts. Poor Darien.
In another time, another place, weird things were going on. Weird things so weird that I can’t tell anyone what they are. So let’s just forget it. Back to the two “not playing chess”....
Nephrite stared at the letters. They seemed like a mishmash; there couldn’t be any words in there! Molly, however, was writing furiously. “Time’s up,” she said, looking at the hourglass and smiling.
Nephrite groaned as she began reading off her words. “Candelabra, punctual, lighthouse...” Nephrite glanced down to see the word “and”, looking very lonely, written on his paper.
Suddenly Darien burst in. “AHH! Jelly donuts! THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!” Molly and Nephrite watched as he ran screaming around the house.
“There are no jelly donuts here,” Molly said. “I’m sure of it.”
Darien froze. “Really? Never mind then. I- oh, hello.” He had just caught sight of Molly’s curtains. “What’re fine draperies like you doing in a place like this?”
“What’s THAT supposed to mean?” Molly asked.Darien ignored her, however, and continued admiring the drapes.
“You have such delicate seams... such rich colors...” Tears sprung to his eyes. “You’re so beautiful... I don’t deserve you!” Nephrite gave him a strange look as he threw himself on the couch next to him.
“Uh, Molly, should we call the police or something?” Nephrite asked.
“Nah, he’s harmless. We’ll just go to another room and lock him out.” And they did.
While Nephrite and Molly were in the other room, they found Molly’s lost Clue game.
“Oh, Nephrite, can we *please* play? I’ve been looking for this for so long and no one else would play with me,” Molly whined.
“All right, Molly. But I get to be Mrs. White. I really liked her in the movie...” and Nephrite trailed off, deep in thought.
Just then, the door swung open and Tuxedo Mask strode in. “You all will be assimilated,” Tux said in a really bad Arnold Schwartzeneggar impression. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a photon torpedo.
Nephrite and Molly looked at each other. “Uh,” Nephrite said. “You can’t just *throw* the torpedo. It has to be launched.”
“Oh yeah?! Well, launch this!” And Tux heaved the torpedo at Nephrite only to have it disappear. “Damn!” Tux exclaimed and walked out of the room.
“Molly?” Nephrite asked. “Was that Tuxedo Mask or just Darien wearing your curtains?”
Molly sighed and slapped her forehead. “He better pay for those, if he takes them,” she muttered.
Suddenly they heard music playing. Molly crept down the hallway, and discerned that the song was ‘Wonderful Tonight’ by Eric Clapton. Peeking around a corner, she caught sight of Darien... dancing with the curtains. They were draped over one shoulder and he was hugging them close and singing softly.
“Man,” Molly muttered. “He is SCARY!”
Meanwhile, Jadeite was busy trying to get a Coke from the Negaverse pop machine. It wouldn’t accept his dollar. In and out the dollar went.
“Dammit! Why the hell won’t this work?!” Jadeite scowled at the “insert dollar here” arrows and realised he’d been inserting it upside down.
“Oh,” he said, and got a cherry Coke.
“JADEITE!” Beryl yelled. “Come here right now!”
Jadeite jumped and quickly teleported to “the throne room”. Beryl was, as usual, waving her hands around her crystal ball for no apparent reason other than boredom.
“Jadeite! I need to ask a favor of you.”
“Yes, your grace?” Jadeite said, hoping she wouldn’t pick up on the sarcasm.
She didn’t. “I need you to get me a package of Mallo Cups.”
“Mallo cups?” Jadeite said. What he thought was “Where the HELL am I going to find Mallo cups?! Bloody hell! Why couldn’t she have wanted a Milky Way bar? Oh boy!”
“Yes, Mallo cups. And I don’t want you back until you find them.”
So Jadeite left.
After searching for five straight hours, Jadeite went to Rei’s temple. (Her grandpa still hadn’t returned from wherever he’d been kicked to, so it was safe.)
“Rei?” he asked. “Do you think you could help me find some Mallo Cups? Queen Beryl is craving chocolatey marshmallow goodness, and if I can’t find her any she WON’T be happy.”
“Okay, well, I have an idea.” Rei knelt before the fire. “Oh, sacred fire, I beseech you! Where can I find Jadeite some mallo cups?”
Nothing happened.
“Um, Rei? That’s the toaster.”
“I KNOW that, Jadeite!” Rei snapped, stalking over to the REAL sacred fire and repeating her plea. The fire flickered, then showed a hoard of cartons of Mallo Cups hidden under a bed. Then it flickered again to show the rest of the room.
“That’s Nephrite’s mansion!” Jadeite exclaimed. “He has a weakness for junk food. Now I just have to figure out how to take them from him.” And off Jadeite went to Nephrite’s mansion.
As Jadeite was strolling merrily to Nephrite’s house, he stopped in his tracks and froze. “That’s it!” Jadeite said. “I know what I can do! And if I pull it off correctly, Nephrite wlil never know!”
When he got there, Jadeite quietly ran to the back yard and hid behind a bush. He carefully peeked over and looked in the window. Nephrite was watching “Blade Runner” and was just at the part where the dove flies away when...
“Aladdin! I’m in the menagerie!”
“Jasmine?!” And Nephrite ran out the back, overcome by this sudden character switch, and didn’t even see Jadeite who was inconspicuously reading the latest issue of “GQ: General’s Quarterly”.
“Yes! It worked!” Jadeite exclaimed and ran inside.
Jadeite ran into Nephrite’s room and dove under the bed. Yes, there they were! “Queen Beryl will be quite jocund,” Jadeite mused. He grabbed a carton and started sliding back out from under the bed when...
“Oh, no.” Jadeite sighed. “Just my luck.” He was stuck under the bed. After a few minutes of struggling and repeatedly hitting his head, he heard Nephrite enter the house - somewhat confused - and continue watching Blade Runner. Jadeite froze What would he do if Nephrite discovered him? How would he explain himself? He was in an uncomfortable position indeed.... his leg was twisted around the other and they were on his head. How he got into this position, we’ll never know, but he was getting one hell of a charlie horse.
Nephrite had just gotten up and was stretching his arms when he heard a small “squeak”. He lowered his arms and looked around curiously. “I wonder what that noise could be,” he thought. But he quickly forgot and started pondering the meaning of the dove scene in Blade Runner.
After a few moments of silence, Jadeite was 99.9% sure that Nephrite wasn’t going to come in anytime soon so he carefully crawled out from under the bed.
“Now what can I do?” Jadeite said. “I’ve got the Mallo Cups. Hey, I wonder if Kunzite and Zoisite are home. I don’t really want to go down to the Negaverse and give these to Queen Beryl myself.” So Jadeite crawled out the bedroom window - and fell in a shrubbery.
“OW!” Jadeite yelled and rubbed his lower back. He got up and started walking to Kunzite and Zoisite’s house.
When Jadeite got to their house, he noticed that there was a chicken on the porch. “What the-?!” he said.
Just then, Kunzite stepped out on the porch with a glass of lemonade and shooed the chicken inside.
“Hey, Jadeite! What’s up?” Kunzite said cheerfully as he sipped his lemonade.
“Uh... I just wanted to... er... see if you were home. Well, you are so... I’ll be seeing you!” Jadeite said and ran off. Kunzite looked after him with a puzzled look on his face and went back inside.
“I guess I’ll just run these to Beryl myself,” Jadeite said.
Queen Beryl was thrilled as her Mallo Cups arrived just before DS9 started. She now had the perfect snack. She was so grateful she gave Jadeite the next few nights off.
Darien, in the meantime, faced a dilemma. He loved his old curtains, he really did, but these new drapes were so... exquisite!
He knew that, as hard as it would be, he’d have to make a decision. One of them would have to be hurt. Unless...
“Of course!” Darien exclaimed. “Menage a troi!” (Or however the heck you spell it.) Picking up his new-found love, he ran back to his apartment. Nephrite and Molly looked at each other. “What a FREAK!” they said in unison.
In the meantime, Zoisite was lying on the bed staring dreamily at the ceiling.
“Beige,” he said. “I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.” And after that moment of enlightenment, he promptly fell asleep.
As Zoisite was sleeping, Kunzite was in the other room watching TV.
“Boy, do I like watching TEE-vee. I really like watching my TEE-vee. Especially when Ryan Stiles is on the TEE-vee,” Kunzite said, accenting the “TEE” because any other way would be foreign.