Far away in another world - er - in another part of the city, Andrew was surfing the ‘net. Although he was mildly annoyed at the complete unoriginality of his symbol, he was having a nice time looking around web pages having to do with Sailor Moon. Although at first he thought they were talking about the female defender of justice, he quickly realized it was actually a tee-VEE show. He wondered why he’d never seen it on tee-VEE before when he found a few (VERY few, unfortunatley) pictures of himself, and realized he was in it. Then Andrew started thinking that if he was in it, the web pages were, too, and they shouldn’t exist... But that made his brain hurt so he gave up on it and continued looking around the pages.
He found a page full of fanfiction for the show and read a few short stories. Most were very well-written, and the characters in them - kings of some evil place - were really cool.
Then, much to his surprise, he came to one with him in it. He read it quickly and with growing fascination. Then: “What the hell?” He choked on the Coke he’d been drinking and reread it. “Oh, my.”
Andrew finished the story in confusion. “Compromise”, by becca-oneechan. What had the author been thinking?! Was this Kunzite really that attractive? Hm, interesting...
Andrew pulled out the phone book. Yes, there it was: the name, address, and phone number. He could try to get in touch with him - “oh, man, bad word choice,” Andrew thought. He wasn’t sure if he should do anything, though. He had a girlfriend - more or less - and in the fanfics Kunzite had a boyfriend. Or maybe girlfriend; Andrew wasn’t too clear on that. Still...
After rereading the last few pages, Andrew reached for the phone.
Just then, the phone rang at Kunzite and Zoisite’s house. But Kunzite wasn’t home. So Zoisite picked up the phone, not aware of what was going to happen.
“Umm.... hello. Is Kunzite there?” Andrew asked.
Zoisite was real curious why a man was calling Kunzite so he said, “This is.”
“Oh,” Andrew said, clearly nervous. ‘Well, I was reading this story and... um... can I just e-mail this to you and you can tell me what you think?”
“Uh...” Zoisite said, not sure what to do. “Sure. I’ll be waiting. What’s your name?”
“Andrew.”
“Okay, Andrew, I guess I’ll hear from you soon. Oh, by the way, what’s your phone number?”
“555-2714.”
“Thanks!” Zoisite said, hanging up and going over to the computer. He tried logging on AOL (or maybe JOL? They’re in Japan...) but realized the flaw in his plan: he didn’t know Kunzite’s password. He’d have to guess. He tried his name, as well as “Zoi-chan”, but neither worked, much to his disappointment. Miffed, Zoisite typed in “cape”. Sure enough, it worked, and there was the e-mail from Andrew complete with attached file.
Feeling only the tiniest bit guilty about butting into Kunzite’s private business, he began reading. He was barely through the second page when Kunzite burst in, carrying several grocery bags.
“Honey, I’m home!” he shouted. This statement was followed by a bout of annoying, obviously canned laughter, which ceased abruptly due to one of Kunzite’s Purple Boomerang ThingiesÔ.
“I bought watermelon Jell-o, just like you wanted,” Kunzite continued, starting to put the groceries away.
“That’s nice,” Zoisite said absent-mindedly.
“Hey, what’re you reading?” he asked, walking over.
“Nothing!” Zoisite screamed, throwing himself over the screen to cover it.
“C’mon, I wanna see!” Kunzite said, trying to pry Zoisite’s body away.
Suddenly, Zoisite grabbed Kunzite and kissed him. Really, REALLY kissed him. Kunzite was startled at first, but then put his arms around Zoisite and began kissing back.
“Whoa!” Kunzite said as he pulled away. “Um... wow! What were we just talking about?”
“Oh, not much. You walked in, I mentioned how I couldn’t go another day without you, I kissed you. Nothing really...” Zoisite said, hoping that the kiss... cleared his memory.
“Well... I guess.... I’ll... put the... groceries away,” Kunzite stammered and blushed. “So... uh,” Kunzite twirled his hair around his finger and said, “When you’re done with that, do you... want to meet me in the bedroom?”
Zoisite smiled coyly and said, “Of course, love. I’ll be there in a few minutes,” and he kissed Kunzite again but not quite so deeply.
Kunzite ran into the bedroom and Zoisite quickly printed out the story, closed the e-mail and deleted the file, and ran into the bedroom after hiding the story in a place where Kunzite wouldn’t look.
Kunzite and Zoisite did not play chess.
Some time later that evening, Kunzite went into the kitchen for a snack, leaving Zoisite pleasantly asleep in bed. He really wanted some Mallo Cups; unfortunately, the closest thing he could find was a box of Twinkies. He reached into the box - and pulled out a small sheaf of rolled - up papers. (Zoisite didn’t think Kunzite liked Twinkies; this was in fact untrue. He just didn’t usually indulge himself since he wanted to keep up his boyish (ha) figure.) He was tired and a little cold, since he was wearing only his cape (don’t ask me how it was attached), so he decided to put it in his nightstand and read it the following morning.
The next morning, Serena was sleeping. As she does every morning. But then she woke up. And fell asleep again. The next time she woke up, she found herself in a front yard... in New Zealand.
“What the bloody hell?” Serena looked around and said. She looked down and realized she was wearing only her pajamas and immediately flopped down on the grass and started bawling.
Inside the house, someone looked up from their morning coffee and said, “I wonder what that noise is.” And the person got up and walked to the front door. Since it was morning and New Zealand, the weather was warm so all the person was wearing was boxers and a t-shirt that was just a little too small for his broad, muscular chest.
He walked outside and into the warm, sunny morning and spotted a girl sprawled out on his lawn crying her eyes out. He walked over to her and said, “Are you okay?” At that, the girl freaked out.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!”
“Um,” the strange, but beautiful man said. “What’s you name?”
“Serena,” Serena sobbed. “Where am I? Who are you?”
“Hello, Serena. You’re in New Zealand and this is my front yard. My name is Sam Neill.”
“Oh, well. Um... can I have some ice cream?”
“I don’t know if we have any ice cream. If I give you some, will you go away? I have a nice, dark-haired woman named Lauren coming over and I’m going to ask her to marry me.”
“Wow, okay. I”ll go now. Thank you.” And Serena went on her way to find some ice cream leaving Sam Neill to get ready for his day.
Lauren’s “Sam Neill Obsession” story was finally finished, so let us travel back to Tokyo and our would-be love triangle...
Kunzite had settled down in an armchair with a cup of coffee and the sheaf of papers. Zoisite was still asleep, so he had some peaceful time to read. Awhile later...
“ZOISITE!” He was rudely awakened by that cry, and buried himself under the covers.
“Get up! Where did you get this story?!” Kunzite shouted, trying to drag Zoisite out of bed.
His words slowly sank in. “What?!” Zoisite shrieked. “How did you find that!”
“Never mind! I just want to know where it came from!”
“Some guy named Andrew e-mailed it to you...”
“Hm...” Kunzite said thoughtfully. “Is this his number?” Zoisite nodded silently and Kunzite picked up the phone. “555-2714,” he murmered as he dialed.
“Hello?” came a voice on the other end.
“Hello, is this Andrew? This is Kunzite,” said Kunzite.
“Oh!” Andrew exclaimed. “You sound different.”
Kunzite didn’t know what to make of this, so he continued, “What’s the meaning of this story?”
“I was kind of hoping you could tell me,” Andrew muttered.
“Hm. Interesting.” He laughed a little. “Zoisite was trying to hide it from me.”
“Zoisite? He’s there?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Uh, I was gonna invite you to dinner tonight, but...”
Kunzite’s eyes widened. He was very interested in meeting this man, but what about Zoisite?
Luckily, at that moment Kunzite realised that not even cheap, meaningless sex could destroy his relationship with Zoisite so he told Andrew, “I’d like to keep it just a story, thank you. Goodbye.” And Kunzite hung up the phone, kissed Zoisite, and went to bed.
Meanwhile, back to New Zealnd and Serena’s quest for the Holy Gr-... er, her quest for the nearest ice cream store.
“That was really nice of that Sam Neill guy to tell me where I was,” Serena said. “His girlfriend Lauren is really lucky.”
As Serena was walking into town, she spotted Rei. “Rei?! What are you doing here?!”
“Well,” Rei said, “I woke up this morning in someone’s front yard. And I’m still in my pajamas.”
“Wow, that’s the same thing that happened to me. I wonder if Ami, Lita, and Mina are here? That would be really weird. Very likely considering this is a fictional world and if that DIDN’T happen it would be weird.”
“Um... here they come now.”
None of them had any idea how they’d gotten there. As they stood around argueing what to do next, the story moved back to Tokyo.
Jadeite was sitting around wondering where Rei had gone when the phone rang.
“Is this Jadeite, one of the four kings of the Dark Kingdom?”
“Uh, yeah, why?”
“Ummm.... my name is Andre and I know I sound pathetic but my girlfriend left to study bugs, and Kunzite wouldn’t even go out with me, and I just feel so worthless right now...” Andrew sounded like he was about to cry. It made Jadeite’s heart melt. “I was wondering if I could see you...”
“Well, I could meet you for dinner tonight,” Jadeite offered.
“Really? You mean it? I mean I know this is sort of out of the blue and everything...”
“It’s okay, I understand.” See, Jadeite was a very nice guy and figured he’d at least see what Andrew was like before judging him. They decided that Jadeite would pick Andrew up at six, and hung up.
While all that was going on, Sam Neill and his beautiful girlfriend Lauren got married. And there was much rejoicing.