Back in Tokyo, Jadeite was driving to Andrew’s house. “If this Andrew is my type, maybe we can start something,” Jadeite thought.
As he pulled in to Andrew’s driveway, Andrew was busy trying to find the right shirt to wear. He finally chose a blue one and had just enough time to slip it on as the doorbell rang. Andrew ran downstairs and threw open the door.
“Are you Andrew?” Jadeite asked.
“Jadeite!” Andrew cried and threw his arms around Jadeite. “I’m so happy you understand!” And they left for dinner.
Meanwhile, back in New Zealand, Serena, Rei, Ami, Lita, and Mina were standing on a street corner, still arguing.
“Well, it wasn’t me!” Rei cried. “I was SLEEPING for Pete’s sake! And the next thing I know, *poof*! I’m in New Zealand!”
“I think we should try to pinpoint the exact time,” Ami said, “That we all app-”
“SHUT UP AMI!!!” The rest of the scouts chorused in that obnoxious way they do every now and then. Ignoring them, Ami pulled out her computer and began typing.
“From the looks of things, the hydrolic pressure in the chryonosphere has been severely lowered, thereby altering the ion radiation in the-”
“Shut UP!” the others yelled, even louder than before.
“I still don’t have my ice cream,” Serena whined.
Then, there was a strange, melodious sound, gradually taking form of the song “London Bridge”.
“Is that what I think it is?” Mina whispered.
The source of the song came into view. “Ice cream truck!” they screeched, rushing toward it.
“Of course! Girls should not be made to wander around New Zealand in their pajamas with no ice cream!” shouted Tuxedo Mask, the driver of the truck. (Upon closer inspection, it could be noted that both sets of curtains were in the passanger seat.)
Back in Tokyo...
Andrew and Jadeite were having a very nice dinner in an incredibly fancy restaurant. Andrew told Jadeite all about the weird story he’d found online, and how he’d failed to get a date with Kunzite. Jadeite felt bad - Andrew seemed so lonely. “Even if we don’t really have a relationship, maybe I can be his friend,” he thought to himself.
Dinner was not very talkative, since Andrew an Jadeite spend most of the time admiring each other’s cuteness in the candlelight. Suddenly Jadeite got up and asked the violinist to play a request. (You know how (on TV at least) really fancy restaurants have musicians that go from table to table?)
“What’s your favorite song?” he asked Andrew.
“Um... ‘Harvey the Wonder Hamster’”.
“Really?” Jadeite exclaimed. “That’s MY favorite song!”
Their eyes met and they remained staring dreamily at each other throughout the entire 15-second song.
Later that night...
Andrew and Jadeite were curled up in front of a blazing fire at Jadeite’s house. After the wonderful evening they had, nothing could be better than the warmth and love that filled the room. As soon as they had finished dinner, Jadeite suggested going back to his house to talk. They sat down beside the fire, and after a few hours, fell asleep in each other’s arms. (That sounds SOOO corny! -Lauren)
Back in New Zealand...
Tux had just gotten out of the truck and was bombarded by the five scouts.
“ICE CREAM!!!!!!!!!!!” they all shouted.
“Cool your cat!” Tux told them. The scouts stared blankly at each other for a moment, then went back to begging for ice cream.
They sat around with Popsicles, wondering what to do next. “Hey, Tux, can you get us home?” Serena asked him.
“Huh? Why would I be able to do that?” he asked.
“Well, how’d YOU get here?” Rei asked in exhasperation.
“You won’t believe this, but I just woke up sitting in an ice cream truck in New Zealand for no apparent reason. Weird, huh?”
They groaned. “So we have no way of getting back?” Serena whined. “Someone has to be able to do SOMETHING!”
“I could help!” offered Trelane. “But, since you were so mean to me in the past, I don’t think I will.” And he vanished.
From somewhere up in the sky, a droning noise was heard. The noise got closer, and closer, and closer and closer still before Rei looked up.
“Look! If you look closely, you can see a speck.” All of the scouts looked up and gasped. Tux had somehow disappeared.
The speck got biger and the noice got louder. Ami determined that the noise was just the right pitch to possibly be someone screaming “AAAA!” as they were falling from a high point and, from the sound of it, spinning upside down at the same time.
Finally, the speck became a person and he crashed into the ground which abruptly ended his screaming.
“Who the hell is that?” Tux said as he magically appeared.
A man about 6 feet tall stood up and brushed himself off. He looked at all of them and said, “My name is Ryan Stiles. Some of you may remember me from such TEE-vee shows as ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway?’ and ‘Drew Carey’. I’m here to take you back to the wonderful Anthracite Coal Land.”
“NOOOOOOOOO!” the scouts and Tux screamed, but it was too late: Ruan had transported them all to Anthracite Coal Land where you can get great coffee for $1.00.
Since they were there, they figured they might as well get some coffee, so they trooped into the nearest coffee shop to see Jadeite and Andrew calmy sipping cappuccino and making small talk.
“Jadeite!” Rei shouted joyously, running over to hug him. He looked quite surprised to see her. The rest of the Scouts (and Darien) greeted Jadeite and Andrew, and Ryan Stiles remarked, “I didn’t know you two were friends.”
“Uh, we just met,” Andrew murmured, reddening slightly.
“So what’re you doing here?” Rei asked from her position in Jadeite’s lap.
He was saved from answering by a loud
Everyone turned quickly to see what the obnoxious sound had been.
“Would you like some coffee?” asked the Mysterious Figure who had been responsible for the sound.
“Rezo?!” everyone gasped in unison, even Jadeite and Andrew, who already knew he was there.
“Don’t act so surprised,” Rezo said. “Didn’t you see the name of this place?” They hadn’t, so looked around until they discovered a sign: The Red Priest’s Coffee House of Anthracite Coal Land, and undearneath, in smaller letters, Great Coffee For a Buck.
“Well, it’s great that you’re running a nice place like this, but you can’t be in this story. It’s not allowed,” Ami explained.
He caught her eye and held it for a long moment. When she finally dropped her gaze, he asked, “What were you saying?”
“Uhhhh...” Ami could think of nothing but Rezo’s lovely purple eyes. “Never mind.”
“Now wait just a darned minute!” yelled Lita. “He CAN’T be in here! He doesn’t even have a symbol!”
“Then give me one,” said Rezo. “I can be a red square.”
“No, you can’t,” Jadeite pointed out. “This isn’t written in color.”
“Oh, darn. Well, I’m sure I can find something.”
“Look,” said Rei, “If you don’t leave us alone I’ll poke out those precious eyes of yours.” She held up a spoon menacingly.
Rezo studied her, decided she wasn’t kidding, and disappeared back into the depths of the coffee shop, staff clanging obnoxiously. He was never seen again... for a while anyway.
“Well, that was a complete waste of valuable coffee-sipping time,” Ryan Stiles said. “Let the adventure of the Ryan Stiles scouts continue. We battle against mean weirdos who want the world full of injustice, wars, hate, famine, and Necco wafers! I HATE those things! I mean famine is nothing but have you ever HAD Necco wafers? They’re disgusting! Eating those is almost as bad as turning beavers into gold! SHEESH!”
The scouts all looked at each other in puzzlement as Ryan finished his soliloquey. Ryan lectured on.
“-and that’s precisely what would happen to you if you got hit by a plane.” Ryan looked aorund at the confused looks of the scouts, Jadeite, Andrew, Darien and several nondescript extras in the background. The silence was so great that you could hear crickets in the background. “Uh.... does anyone wanna play ‘Scenes from a Hat’?”
“DO WE?” chorused Andrew, Jadeite, and Darien. So the four of them ran off to play ‘Scenes from a Hat’ with Clive Anderson presiding.
The Scouts (with Rezo discreetly in the back) composed the studio audience. They were enjoying it very much until...
Jadeite and Andrew were supposed to be doing a love scene in a garbage dump, but words had failed them and they’d ended up staring into each other’s eyes. As they leaned closer to each other, looking quite ready to kiss, the Scouts sat staring in shock. Rei broke the silence by jumping to her feet and screaming, “What the hell are you doing?”
Surprised, Jadeite pulled away and looked at her. She seemed about ready to explode, especially since there were flames coming out the top of her head. (This is anime, after all.) Andrew sort of cowered behind Jadeite as Rei tried leapingover the seats to them. Unfortunately, she tripped and ended up sprawled on her face. Although Clive Anderson thought this tremendously funny and she ended up winning the game, she was much too pissed off to read the credits.
“Jadeite! What the hell is going on? I thought we were together!” Rei cried and started to sob.
“I’m sorry, Rei, but... I... just don’t-”
“You don’t WHAT?! oh, if you don’t stop I’m gonna send you somewhere... somewhere evil!” Rei cried and started to transform.
“Oh, sh-” Jadeite shouted but was abruptly cut off as Sailor Mars blasted him into... Mathmagic Land. Yes, Mathmagic Land.
“Ha! Thatll teach the bas-” Rei said as she transformed back again.
“Rei!” everyone screamed.
“What?” Rei said and turned around so everyone could see the flames in her eyes.
“Uh... never mind,” they all said.
‘That’s what I thought!”
Just then, Ryan Stiles appeared from backstage. “I think we should leave now.”
As they were leaving, no one noticed Andrew sitting in the corner. His eyes were narrowed and he said very quietly, “I will get revenge on Rei for sending my Jadeite away. And for making me miss my fifteen minutes of fame. I WILL get her back.” And he laughed maniacally and couldn’t stop so the men in white came to take him away.
“Well... that was fun,” Serena remarked. “Where should we go next?”
“You know, I’m kinda hungry. I could go for a burger,” Ryan stiles said, completely oblivious to everyone’s mood.
“GO AWAY RYAN STILES!” everyone screamed.
“Fine! I will! I have to go to work anyway. I work at Death Co. It’s very fun. We get to play with Death,” Ryan said and left.
While Andrew was struggling with the men in white, there were several loud clangs, followed by thuds, and the two guys holding him dropped into unconsciousness. he turned to see Rezo, holding his staff in front of him and making sure the guys were out for good.
“Rezo!” Andrew said, his eyes getting really big and shiny.
“Here,” Rezo said, handing him a golden triangle. “This will transport you to and from Mathmagic Land. I wish you luck.”
“Thank you,” Andrew said as he teleported away.
He appeared in a world of strangely shaped trees and creepy-looking creatures made from geometric figures. Luckily, there was also a distinct set of footprints in the purplish soil. Andrew set out after them, jaw clenched in determination.
He noticed nothing, his focus entirely on those footprints. He could only pray that Jadeite would be all right when he found him...
Suddenly Andrew noticed several spots of what looked like blood. “Oh no,” Andrew whispered, breaking into a run. He suddenly came to a darkened area containing only a billiard table, but he barely noticed this oddity, for sitting with his back against the table was Jadeite. Andrew hurried over to him, and saw tht he was bleeding from a long cut on his hand and another on his leg.
“Andrew,” Jadeite said weakly. “You came for me...”
“Of course I did,” Andrew replied, taking the Golden Triangle from his pocket. “What happened to you?”
“I tried petting a weird triangular creature. Not a good idea...”
“Well, I’m here now. I’ll get you to a hospital and everything will be okay.” Andrew gently lifted Jadeite in his arms and transported them both out of Mathmagic Land.
In another place with no relevance yet whatsoever, a dark figure was leaping from rooftop to rooftop. The long black cape billowed out behind him as he ran across the roof of the Waynetech Corp. building. He stopped, abruptly, and stood still for what felt like eons.
“Damn! Forgot the chicken soup!” Batman said. “Ah well, I did bring Mall-cups.” Batman took out his batarang and leaped up to the next building.
Meanwhile, Nephrite was wondering what shoes to wear. “Should I wear THOSE black boots or THOSE black boots?” Molly walked in to help him decide.
“I think you should wear the black boots, Nephrite. They bring out the grey in the suit.”
“Thanks, Molly.”
Back in Gotham City...
“I’ve... got... to... keep... going,” Batman panted.
Batman was still running until he came to a big, floating door. He pushed a big button and the door opened to reveal a purple portal.
“I call upon the power of Gre- Oh, um... wrong show. I call upon... bloody hell! I’m Batman, let me in!”
“Hello, Dave,” said the portal.
“For the last time: MY NAME’S NOT DAVE!!!!” Batman screamed as he ran through the portal.
After one big trippy segment, Batman came out on the other side. All the running he did made his feet really hurt, and since he had no arch support, he fell down on his hands and knees. When he looked up, he saw Kunzite standing there.
“Uhhh...” said Kunzite. “Who are you and how’d you get into my house?”
“Never mind,” said Batman, and he calmly left.
At the hospital...
“Remind me never to pet pointy creatures ever again,” Jadeite murmured as he limped down the hallway, with Andrew’s help.
“Okay. I’m just glad you’re all right. You recovered pretty quickly,” Andrew said as he helped Jadeite into the passanger seat of the car.
“I didn’t know if you’d come for me. I wasn’t sure how much you cared...” Jadeite murmured as Andrew started the engine.
“I had to, Jadeite...” Andrew sighed. “You’ve come to mean a lot to me in these past few days.”
“You have, too.” Jadeite sighed. “I just don’t know what to do about Rei...”
“We could kill her!” Andrew said, eyes brightening.
Jadeite patted his leg. “I think that’s going a bit too far, love.”
“True, but...” His eyes widened. “You called me... ‘love’?”
“Why? Do you have a problem with it?”
“Not at all,” Andrew said with a grin, all thoughts of death forgotten.
A bit later they were in the kitchen of Jadeite’s house. He sat at the table while Andrew made coffee. “Your house is so big! And a lot cleaner than my apartment...”
Jadeite sighed. “It’s TOO big. Maybe it’s itme I had someone to share it with...”
Andrew blushed and focused on the coffee.
At the nearby temple...
“How could he?!” Rei screamed, pounding a hole in the wall. “I’m gone to New Zealand for a couple of days and he goes and cheats on me!”
“You don’t know that,” pointed out Ami, logical as always. “You saw them together and made an assumption. Besides, maybe he just decided that you were still too young...”
“TOO YOUNG?! I’ll show him!”
“No, you won’t,” pointed out Mina, who was put into this scene just to bug Lauren. “You blasted him into Mathmagic Land, remember?”
“Oh yeah.” Rei sighed. “I forgot.”
“Oh, he’s out now,” said Rezo, showing up from nowhere. “He just got home a little while ago. You can go see him if you’d like.”
“Would I!” yelled Rei, and she, Lita, Ami, and Mina ran to Jadeite’s house.
“Ah, at last I go tthem out of here!” said Rezo. “My plans can be completed!” He pulled a long, pointed stick from his robes... and stuck a hot dog on it. He then proceeded to cook it over the Sacred Fire.
And where is Serena during all of this, you ask... Oh, wait, you don’t? Okay, never mind then.
Back at Kunzite’s house...
Kunzite shut the door as Batman left. “Zoisite! Did you call Batman over again? I really wish you’d consult me before doing that. I mean, I understand the fact that you’ve known each other for a long time, but it doesn’t mean he can come over whenever you want him to. Especially when he doesn’t bring any chicken soup.” Kunzite walked into the kitchen and looked for graham crackers. He couldn’t find any.
“Zoisite, dear, do you mind a trip to Jadeite’s house? I really need to borrow some graham crackers.”
“Sure,” said Zoisite, and they left.
And so, a short time later, two Kings and four Scouts appeared on Jadeite’s doorstep. He was asleep at the moment, so Andrew answered the door.
“You slimeball! Give me my boyfriend back!” Rei screamed at him.
“Uh? YOUR boyfriend?” Andrew, as you may or may not know, hadn’t been aware of Rei’s relationship with Jadeite until she had gotten mad.
The Scouts pushed past him into the house.
“Where’s Jadeite? I have to talk to him!” Rei shouted. “Tell me or I’ll kill you!”
“He’s sleeping... he just got back from the hospital... got hurt in Mathmagic Land.” Andrew tried in vain to keep her quiet.
Suddenly there came a shout from the doorway. “Hey, Jadeite!” Zoisite yelled. “We just dropped by!”
Andrew ran off to tell him to quiet down, and Rei ran off to find Jadeite.
Rei looked in every single room until she found Jadeite. He was laying on a really comfortable bed and there was a fire going in the fireplace. Jadeite was obviously asleep. Rei went over to the fire and started to chant. “Oh, fire of Jadeite’s bedroom, I will you to help me out in aboloshing this attraction Jadeite has for Andrew because I miss him.”
“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Rei,” the fire said.
“Well, why the hell not?! Can’t you just... shake him up a little?”
“I suppose I can put fish in his underwear. Will that suffice?”
Rei didn’t say anything for a while. “I guess... but make the fish... halibut. He hates halibut.” And she laughed evilly and left the room.
When Jadeite woke up, he felt something cold in his pants. “I smell... fish,” Jadeite said. He looked down and saw that six halibuts had somehow gotten inside his briefs and were chafing him. “I HATE HALIBUT!” Jadeite screamed as the sun rose. He wanted to get rid of them, but that would mean... HOLDING them. “Andrew!” he screamed. “HELP ME!”
Andrew came running into the room, worry clearly showing on his face. “What is it, Jadeite?”
“GET THESE @*#*! FISH OUT OF MY UNDERWEAR!”
“Um... are you sure you want me to... uh...”
“Please... they’re cold and slimy...” Jadeite pleaded.
Trying desperately not to peek, Andrew reached into Jadeite’s pants and pulled out all the halibut, one after another. He tossed them into the trash can and went to wash his hands. When he came back, Jadeite was looking at him in adoration. “First you saved me from Mathmagic Land, now this. How can I ever repay you?” He threw his arms around Andrew’s waist. He was blushing furiously.
“Well...” Andrew said, tilting Jadeite’s chin so they could gaze deeply into each other’s eyes. He very slowly leaned forward, and just as their lips were about to meet...
“Hey, Jadeite!” Kunzite shouted, banging on the door. “Dont’ you have any graham crackers in this whole house?”
“Aw, damn,” Andrew muttered as Jadeite went to the door.
Jadeite eyed Kunzite ad Zoisite. “You think you have the right to come barging into my house begging for food when I’m trying to have some quiet time with Andrew?
“Yup,” said Zoisite.
“In the cupboard above the stove,” Jadeite sighed. “Now get out of here!” He slammed the door and locked it. “Now, where were we?”
“Right about here,” Andrew replied, leaning forward again.
“Hey Jadeite! Can we have some marshmellows too?” Kunzite shouted.
“YES!” Jadeite and Andrew yelled at once. Then, before they could get interrupted again, they kissed deeply.