Author's Note: If you read my last story, you were introduced to a character named Lt. Miranda Johnson. Please remember that in this story, Miranda does NOT exist. It will be a lot less confusing. Thanks!

Major Margaret Houlihan was standing in the 4077th M*A*S*H main office, wringing her hands. "Colonel, you know I hate to leave on such short notice, but these nurses' conferences in Tokyo is mandatory, and I-"

Colonel Sherman Potter held up a hand. "Don't worry, Major. I'm sure everything will go as smoothly as possible without you for two weeks."

Margaret nodded. "Did Radar give you all the instructions I made for my nurses?"

Potter nodded. "Yes, Major-"

"And the duty roster for the next two weeks?"

"Yes, Major, I did. As a matter of fact, I called HQ when you told me you had to leave, and they were nice enough to-"

Margaret interrupted again. "And, Colonel, with all due respect, try not to let Pierce and Hunnicutt allow their influences to rub off on my girls. I'm afraid without a leader with discipline; my nurses will begin to falter in O.R. And then where would that leave us?"

Potter frowned deeply. "Major, if you would allow me to finish, I would be able to tell you that HQ is sending us one of their best nurses to take over for you while you're gone. A Major Carter. She should be here any moment."

Margaret's eyes widened slightly. "You got a replacement, Colonel? I see. Well, I hope she can rise to somewhere close to my standards."

Potter nodded. "I hope so too, Major. I hear she's one of the best. Radar!" He looked up to see the company clerk already standing inside the office. Potter sighed. The young clerk was always one step ahead of him. It was a theory that Radar O'Reilly could read minds, and Potter was beginning to believe it.

"Is Major Houlihan's jeep here yet?"

Radar shook his head. "No sir, but it just passed the last checkpoint. It should be here any moment. And I took the liberty of putting the Major's bags in the office so I can load them onto the jeep."

"Thank you, Corporal," Margaret said with a nod. She turned to leave, but the office doors suddenly swung open to reveal Captains Hawkeye Pierce and B.J. Hunnicutt, both of their faces beaming.

Margaret scowled. "What do you two want?"

Hawkeye grinned broadly. "We just wanted to see you off, Margaret. We brought something for your liver. Beej?" B.J. presented a bottle and martini glasses, pouring a drink for each of them. Radar passed on his drink with a small shake of his head. "Radar wants to come out of this war with innocent organs, Beej," Hawkeye said with a smile.

Hawkeye held up his glass in a toast. "To Margaret, may she have a safe and interesting trip in Tokyo. And to the rest of us who you are leaving behind, that this rare period of peace last forever."

B.J. nodded. "Here, here. Margaret, with you leaving, one can only think of your good qualities. If I could think of any, I'd mention them."

Margaret opened her mouth to respond, but Radar jumped in. "Jeep's in the compound." He rushed out of the office, leaving everyone else silent.

"That's funny," B.J. remarked. "I don't hear anything."

"That's Radar's gift," Hawkeye replied. "It's his special power. Don't you know that little leprechauns are magical?"

Radar stuck his head back in the office. "Your jeep's ready, Major. You better hurry, though. Your plane leaves for Tokyo in an hour."

Margaret nodded and turned to Potter. "Goodbye, Colonel. I hope my temporary replacement works out well." She glanced at B.J. and Hawkeye. "Goodbye, children." She turned and stormed out of the office.

Hawkeye rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Replacement? Colonel, have you been hiding something from us?"

"Don't you trust us, Colonel?" B.J. asked innocently. "I try to think of us as a family."

"One that tells us when a new member is about to come," Hawkeye added. "Now we have no time to prepare."

"That's exactly why I didn't let you too know about this," Potter said. "Who knows what torture you two would have up your sleeves if you had time to think about it? So please, be somewhat civil to this nurse. She has to last two weeks, you know. HQ says she's as strict on military protocol as Major Houlihan is."

Hawkeye groaned. "Another Margaret? I thought this was going to be a vacation, Colonel. I don't think I could take another beating by army gibberish."

"I'm beginning to get bruises," B.J. muttered.

Potter shrugged. "I had no say in it, Pierce. I asked for a replacement, and HQ gave me Major Carter. We'll just have to live with it for two weeks. So children, please, play nice."

Company clerk Radar O'Reilly stood outside and watched as Major Houlihan's jeep disappeared in the distance. He took a deep breath and exhaled, glad to be free of the Major's iron fist for even a little while. He was about to head back into his office when he heard the sound of a second jeep come from behind him.

Radar turned as the jeep stopped in front of him, and he immediately noticed the woman sitting in the backseat of the jeep. She wore the simple green uniform everyone in M*A*S*H units wore instead of the brown formal traveling uniform. She tucked a book she had been reading into one of her bags and hopped out of the jeep. Grabbing the rest of her things, she thanked the driver and the jeep drove off.

Radar quickly approached. "Welcome to the 4077th, Major Carter," he said. "I can take your things to the VIP tent so you can get settled in."

She smiled slightly and shook her head. "Corporal, fortunately, I'm not Major Carter."

Radar's eyes widened. Apparently, the wrong nurse had been sent to the 4077th. That meant the right nurse was somewhere where she wasn't supposed to be, and he knew exactly who would be blamed for the mix up: him.

"Oh no," he moaned. "How is this fortunate? Colonel Potter's gonna kill me! What am I gonna do?"

She chuckled. "Corporal, slow down. You're going to run yourself clean into the ground. Everything's all right. Major Carter came down with the flu. HQ sent me instead. You should consider yourself lucky, though. Carter's a witch." She held out a hand. "Captain Claire Morgan, it's a pleasure."

Radar nodded and shook her hand. "Radar O'Reilly. Colonel Potter should still be in his office. He'll probably want to hear this." He gestured in the office's direction. "I'll take you there."

Hawkeye and B.J. still sat in Potter's office, sharing drinks with the Colonel. Hawkeye seemed to study his half-empty glass of gin when he asked. "So what do you think our nurse will look like?"

"She'll probably be old," B.J. said. "You know, around…ninety. And her voice will be the sound of a songbird drowning in hot tar."

"And it's a voice we'll be hearing a lot," Hawkeye said with a sigh. "I can't help but cringe at the thought of her wrinkles moving when she speaks." He shuddered.

Potter nodded as he sipped from his glass. "She's probably going to have a lot of problems with this nuthouse. I don't think I can live through the whining."

"Nuthouse?" Hawkeye asked, aghast. "Colonel, this may be a nuthouse to you, but for us, it's home."

Radar suddenly burst into the office, causing them all to jump. "Colonel, Major Carter's here, but it's not really her."

Potter narrowed his eyes. "What else could she possibly be, Radar?"

"Captain Claire Morgan, sir." He stepped aside and allowed a woman to enter the office. Hawkeye could feel his eyes widen as he looked at her. She was tall and slender, with deep blue-gray eyes and gold blonde hair that was pulled back. But what Hawkeye couldn't brake his gaze from was her face. She was lovely, with smooth skin and a bright aura about her. He could tell this was going to be a great two weeks, indeed.

Hawkeye rose and shook her hand. "Captain, I'm Hawkeye Pierce, and this is B.J. Hunnicutt, your friendly surgeons. Claire, that's such a lovely name. How was your trip?"

She was about to respond when Colonel Potter interrupted. "Captain, I'm Colonel Potter, CO of this unit. We seem to have a small mix up here. We were expecting a Major Carter…"

She nodded. "Major Carter seems to have come down with a nasty flu, Colonel. Apparently HQ didn't mention the fact that I was coming."

"No," Potter remarked. "That seemed to slip from their minds. But Major Houlihan is well prepared." He handed her the packet of Margaret's instructions. "Take these. Do what you want with them."

Claire nodded with a smile as she flipped through the pages. "Margaret was always very thorough. Thank you, Colonel."

"Wait a second," Hawkeye said suddenly. "Did you call her Margaret? Don't tell me you know her."

"Or just happened to be related to her," B.J. added.

"Margaret and I were in training together," Claire said with a smile. "I'm surprised she never mentioned me. But I was never a stickler for army protocol like she was. I think she was embarrassed to know me."

"I beginning to like you more every second," Hawkeye said with a grin. "Captain, please allow myself and B.J. to show you around our little cesspool called home."

Colonel Potter nodded. "Dismissed. But remember, you two. Try not to get into too much trouble."

"Yes, dad," Hawkeye said. "Just ring the bell when dinner's ready." With that, he, B.J., and Claire disappeared through the office doors.

"And the last stop on our lovely tour is our humble abode affectionately named the Swamp."

Hawkeye pushed open the door to the tent and allowed Claire to step inside with B.J. and Hawkeye following behind. "It really looks like you cleaned up the place," Claire said with a chuckle.

"We try," B.J. replied. "But watch out for the rats. They get a bit testy when we step on them."

"And speaking of rats," Hawkeye said, stepping over to the sleeping occupant in the cot across from his. "This is the biggest rat of them all, Major Charles Emerson Winchester, the third." He kicked the bed. "Get up, Charles. It's rude to snore with company here."

Charles woke with a start, rubbing his eyes. "What do you want, Pierce?" He snapped. "Don't you know I can kill you for this?"

"Charles, no death threats in front of the company," B.J. corrected. "And you call yourself a surgeon."

Charles eyes focused on their guest, and he quickly got up, straightening his shirt as best as possible. "Please forgive my manners, Captain," he said, shaking her hand. "Are you replacing Major Houlihan for the time being?"

"Yes, she is, Charles," Hawkeye said. "This is Captain Claire Morgan sent from heaven. Have a seat, and I'll pour us something to corrode our livers." He pulled out the martini glasses. "Want a drink, Charles? You look half dead."

Claire nodded as Hawkeye handed her a drink. "He's right, Major. You look exhausted."

"Last night's session of wounded lasted forever," B.J. put in.

"Excuse me, gentlemen, Captain," Charles said in his most formal voice. "But a Winchester does not become exhausted. I am simply restoring the energy needed to operate efficiently in this madness." He drank his entire martini in one gulp and set the glass delicately on the stove. "Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm have some energy conservation to finish. It was a pleasure to meet you, Captain." He rose and found his way to his bunk, where he was asleep almost instantly.

"Interesting fellow," Claire muttered.

"Charles is still pretty new," B.J. said. "It's been pretty tough on him. I can relate. Almost. I don't come from a snotty background, but I can't wait to get out of here. I've got a beautiful wife and little girl waiting for me back home."

"Speaking of home," Hawkeye said brightly. "You have anyone waiting for you back home, Captain?"

She smiled. "It's Claire, and if my parents count, then yes. But to answer the question you're dancing around, I'm not married, engaged, or dating. Does that take care of everything, Captain?"

Hawkeye grinned. "Almost. You forgot to mention any pets or where you're from. And please, it's just Hawkeye."

"Two dogs and Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania." She took a sip from her martini, swallowing with a gasp and cough. "What is this?"

"Our own special creation," B.J. said, gesturing over to their precious still. He glanced at his watch. "Two hours ago was a great year."

Claire laughed. "This place is a lot better than Major Carter made it out to be, but I try not to believe anything she says. That woman makes Godzilla look like a kitten."

"I'm glad we didn't have to bring out the reptile traps," B.J. muttered.

They all turned suddenly as Radar burst into their tent. "There's another load of wounded coming on the choppers!" He cried. "Major Winchester, get up!" Charles groaned as Radar headed out of the tent.

"I don't hear any choppers," Claire remarked.

"Just wait for it!" Radar cried as he ran across the camp.

"Come on," Hawkeye said with a sigh. "Time for your first trip to O.R." He held out his arm for her. "May I escort you to our destination, Madame?"

"I'd like that, sir," Claire said, taking his arm as they headed out to triage.