Get your own Free Home PageA real boyfriend can get you pregnant or give you a sexually transmitted disease. Ivan, being all the way across the country and not knowing we exist, can't.
A real boyfriend can ruin your semester by dumping you. Ivan will never give us The Speech.
A real boyfriend expects you to go places with him every weekend and return his phone calls. Ivan probably doesn't want us to call him.
The Triumvirate would get mighty pissed off if it was revealed that the same guy was dating all three of us. However, we all have equal dibs on Ivan.
A real boyfriend would care if you started dating other men behind his back. Ivan will never care if we see other men, and his feelings for us won't have changed if we suddenly decide we're better off with him and dump the poor schmucks we've been dating in the meantime.
A real boyfriend expects gifts on his birthday and other major holidays. With Ivan, we get away with a dorky card from all three of us.
Real boyfriends can embarrass you in public, and most are pretty bad dancers. Not Ivan. We'll probably never be seen with him in public, and of course we know that he is not a bad dancer.
Real boyfriends have days when they're not in good moods and don't look their best. In Newsies and in every episode of Roundhouse, Ivan is in a pretty good mood and always looks DAMN fine.
A real boyfriend expects you to dress up and look nice when you go out. You can watch Newsies or Roundhouse unshowered and in your pajamas.
Real boyfriends often get competitive, playing oneupmanship on things such as papers, websites, and SATs. Frankly, Ivan doesn't give a damn what our SAT scores are.
You constantly have to think of things to talk about with a real boyfriend. With Ivan, you can just stare at the screen with a dreamy half-smile and not be rude at all. Conversely, shrieking and pointing is not rude either.
Say you're the type who can only get band geeks and science nerds. You can at least be consoled by the fact that Ivan's played both.
If you slip and call your boyfriend by the wrong name, you have a buttload of explaining to do. If you slip and call Ivan "Dutchy" it really doesn't matter.
A real boyfriend may pressure you to have sex. Ivan does not. Frankly, Ivan doesn't care if you have sex and most likely prefers that you don't have sex with him.
To summarize: in the words of the immortal Bob Dylan, "When you ain't got nothing, you got nothing to lose." So, until we meet the men of our dreams (and in Jenna and Jess's case, women's college doesn't exactly facilitate that), we've got our Ivan. And we are not psycho.
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