Sully and Michaela went into the brush, searching for berries and edible greens. Soon their fingers and lips were stained a sticky red and they made their way to a nearby creek to drink in the refreshing mountain water.
"Ahh," moaned Michaela, gulping it in. She turned to her husband. "Our daughter can drink this water today because of you, Sully," she told him.
The thought was pleasant to him as he rolled the cool water over his tongue, tasting its purity. When they were done, they strolled back to the plain, hand in hand. "Now it's my turn to apologize," said Michaela.
"For what?"
"For all those horrible things I said to you."
"You already did, Michaela. I told you I knew it wasn't you talking, remember? It was the hurt."
Mike shook her head. "Yes, I remember, but now I want to talk about it."
Sully was silent, allowing her to continue.
"At the time I was just so shocked that you could say after only a month that we had to accept it and get on with our lives."
"That's not what I meant, Michaela," he protested.
She put a finger over his lips. "I know Sully. At least, I know that now. I know now that you just didn't want me to fall into that void that you fell into for years over Abagail and Hannah, am I right?"
Sully nodded, his eyes filling with tears. "Michaela, you were so distraught, so alone in your pain. I couldn't get through to you. It scared me so much. I'd never seen you that way, not since the time you were shot. I didn't want that to happen to you again. I was afraid of losing you too." He shuddered. "When we saw that little girl crushed under the wagon -" he stopped - images flashing through his mind.
"Oh my God...it can't be!" came Michaela's heart-wrenching cry. "Please, no, not her, not Katie..." Sully fell to the ground behind her. "Michaela, you don't want to remember her this way," he told his wife, not able to look at his daughter dead before them himself. His wife let out a guttural scream. "Katie! Not my Katie!"
Michaela touched his arm, trying to bring him out of his obvious preoccupation. He jumped away from her as if an electric shock had occurred. "Sully?" Michaela wondered. He saw her, finally.
"You were so vocal in your grief, in your shock, Michaela," he continued. "I couldn't be. I didn't want you to look at the body, not only because I didn't want you to remember her that way, but because I couldn't." He pounded the ground with his fist in anger. "What kind of a father am I?!"
Mike looked stunned. "Sully, it was you and Cloud Dancing who lifted the wagon off that little girl's broken body. It was you who insisted on covering her with Cloud Dancing's blanket while he attempted to comfort me. And it was you who carried her home. How can you think that?"
He shook his head. "It's all a blur," he sighed. "I wanted to protect you, to keep you from going through the pain I was feeling. Funny, isn't it? How could I keep you from sharing that pain?"
She stroked his hair. "Tell me about your pain, Sully."
He looked up at her, wild fright in his eyes, as if it was too deep inside him - something he couldn't share with anyone, not even the woman he loved.
"Please Sully," she begged.
He grabbed a handful of grass and tore it out with venom. After a beat, "When I saw the body, I froze," he began. "Up until that point I didn't think she could be really dead. I - I kept thinking the Spirits wouldn't do that to me again, not a second time. For a minute, the briefest instant, that moment when I lost Abagail and Hannah came flooding back to me."
Michaela nodded. He'd been through it before. The horror of living through it again must have been terrifying.
"But then...something inside me clicked as soon as I heard you cry out and run over to her. And I couldn't scream or cry, I could only try to help you...I just...I wanted to turn your head, to force you to only look at me - to only remember the good times, and not that sight that lay before us.
"It was the same at the service," he continued. "I wanted ta reach out to you, but I couldn't. Even as the Reverend was talking, all I could do was look up at the sky and ask the Spirits why they had taken another child away from me. Wasn't one enough?!" His voice broke.
haela nodded, thinking back to the service, her eyes tearing as well. "I'm so sorry, Sully," was all she could say. "I was only thinking about myself. I accused you of keeping things from me when I'm not sure if, in your shoes, I might have done the same thing. I didn't think about these haunting memories you had."
"I know, I know," Sully comforted. "But it was only the pain talkin', and even though it hurt me, I knew it wasn't you sayin' those things. And we patched it up when Cloud Dancin’ gave us the hope that Katie might still be alive."
"But what if that hadn't happened?" asked Michaela tearfully. "What if she'd really been gone - forever? Would we have survived that?"
All of a sudden, Sully turned to her and took both of her hands in his. "Michaela, we would have. I'm not saying it wouldn't ha' been tough, but together we would have." He grew pensive again. "There's something else that's been on my mind, Michaela, about you...and I guess since we're talking 'n all..." he drifted off.
"What?" Michaela asked eagerly.
"What happened back in that prison? You haven't talked about it," he said quietly. He saw her touch her face with her hand, and for the first time noticed a faint bruise where her fingers lay. "Michaela?" he asked worriedly. "What happened in there?"
All at once she felt both terror and joy. She decided to accentuate the positive. "I brought a new life into the world, Sully," she said hopefully. "The mother was having a difficult labor and I turned the baby, and then - then it came out...so easily. Imagine going into labor in prison, Sully."
He leaned forward and kissed her quickly full on the lips.
"What was that for?" she asked, pleasantly surprised.
"You're always puttin' someone else's needs 'fore your own," he said. "I love that about ya." He grew quiet. "Now will ya tell me where that bruise came from?"
Again she brushed her face with her fingers, remembering the abuse she had endured from the other prisoners. "The...the women were mad because I had been given food when they had none," Mike remembered slowly. "And then...they came at me, I think, slapped me-" she put her hand up to her face, reliving the moment, "and I gave them the food, but it wasn't enough." Her voice grew anxious. "I remember hitting the wall, and then everything went black. No...then I saw the pregnant woman, Sully, she was practically no more than a child, and...and...I don't remember anything after that."
Sully felt his cheeks flush with anger as he heard the story but he remained silent. "Oh, Sully, when they read my sentence aloud, all I could think of was that you would get me out of there. I knew that if it was at all within your power, you would find a way."
But it almost wasn't, Sully thought, as he remembered the ropes that had bound him in Caraway's house.
"And even if you couldn't," Mike went on to say, "I knew it wouldn't be for your lack of trying." She grabbed ahold of his hand and squeezed it. "But you did find a way, didn't you?" Michaela asked. "You always do. That's why I had no fear."
Sully shuddered again. "I snuck inta Caraway's house, looking for Katie," he began, half to himself, half to Michaela. "When I saw her in the plaza, my heart jumped for joy. She was alive! And then once inside the house, I found her rag doll outside the door. She knew I'd be comin', she's such a smart girl. And I opened the door, where she lay in bed sleepin' - an' I don't think I've ever seen a more precious sight in my whole life. I mean, I knew she was alive, but seein' her right there in front of me, her chest risin' and fallin' as she slept so peacefully...I thanked God right then and there for protectin' her and givin' her back to me. And she woke up an' I gathered her in my arms...an' I never wanted to let her go!" Sully formed a cradle with his arms and rocked back and forth in his thoughts. "But I knew time was runnin' out, and that we needed ta get outta there as soon as possible. But just as we hit the hallway, Caraway's wife came upon us. And we just stood there for a moment, not saying a word. An' I finally begged her to let me take my little girl home. I could see her mullin' it over, tryin' to come up with some excuse to tell Caraway, when the maid came in -" he let out a harsh sigh. "An' then it all went to pieces." He stopped rocking and squeezed Michaela.
"Sra. Caraway called for the guards, and in an instant they had us cornered. And they took Katie away from me, and I could hear her cryin' out, 'I want my Poppy!' It just 'bout tore my heart."
Michaela didn't want to disturb him as he was reliving this painful memory, but she had to ask. "Do you really think they treated her well, Sully? I mean, children bounce back quickly, and she looks like she's doing fine now, but ..."
"They took good care of her, Michaela." Sully assured her.
"Truth is, I think Sra. Caraway really liked her. But *we're* her parents, nothin' could ever replace the love we have to give her. And I think Caraway had just gotten so lost in despair over losin' his child that he couldn't see straight anymore. So when he told me he and his wife were plannin' to take Katie to Europe with them and start a new life - I just snapped."
"She's not your daughter! She's my daughter! She's my blood!" Sully shrieked with all his might at the departing Caraway. "KATIE!!!!!!!!!" he screamed.
"The thought of her growin' up with that madman was just too much," he shuddered. "Katie came from *our* love, Michaela. She will always be *ours*."
Mike nodded.
"He tol' me that he was gonna kill me, and I just didn't care anymore, now that Katie was gone. I just wanted her to be safe. Robert E. knew what to do and I knew he would get you out. I just felt so-"
He stopped.
Michaela looked up at him. "Sully?" she asked.
And then just at that moment, Sully realized what had been bothering him. But instead of an outburst, as had occurred when they'd first begun talking, he felt emotionally flat. Michaela noticed the sudden chill and looked at him in alarm.
"I gave up," he whispered to himself. "I just gave up." Now it was his turn to shiver, and this time it was Mike who enclosed him in her warmth.
He gripped her arms and forced them off of him. "Get away from me, Michaela," he said in a hoarse whisper.
Mike looked up at him in bewilderment. "What?" she asked him in disbelief.
"I said, 'Get away from me'," he repeated. "I'm not worthy of you." In one fluid moment, he arose and began stalking away.
Michaela struggled to get up. "Sully?" she ran after him.
But before she could reach him he turned around. "Didn't you hear me?!" he yelled. "Please, Michaela, stay away from me. I don't deserve you." He was dangerously near tears and knew it. And the thought just made him angrier. He began to run, away from Michaela. Away from the world.
"SULLY!!!" She shrieked after him, but he didn't heed her and she finally sank to the ground in defeat. "Sully," she said again, almost whispering the name. She covered her face with her hands and began to cry. This wasn't how she meant for it to turn out. She had wanted them to talk things out, their fears and frustrations, to reconcile what had happened during the terrible preceding months. She had hoped that it would lead them away from the anger that had separated them and allow them to continue on with their lives. But that hadn't worked.
And now, what of Sully? She had never seen him this way before. For one moment she felt a flickering realization of how he must have been when Abagail and Hannah had died. The defeat in his eyes, the wild fright as some sort of cold comprehension washed over him...yes, now she knew.
But where had he gone? She sighed. There were any number of places, secret or otherwise. She should let him alone, at least for now. Her shoulders drooping, she gathered her skirts, stood up, and headed for home.
Cloud Dancing said goodbye to his friend Dorothy, mounted his horse, and began riding northwards. He had just left the vicinity of Colorado Springs when he heard galloping behind him. Quickly he turned his horse around. It reared as it did so, but Cloud Dancing held on tight. "Dr. Mike!" he said. "You gave me quite a scare!"
"I'm sorry, Cloud Dancing," she said breathlessly. "I'm looking for Sully. Have you seen him?"
Cloud Dancing noted the worried look on Michaela's face. "I'm sorry to say I have not," he told her. "Is something wrong?"
"He didn't come home last night," she admitted.
His eyes widened. "Has something happened to him?" He looked as if he were ready to take off.
"No...well...maybe," Mike capitulated. "He had nightmares the other day...I thought we could talk them out...But he got very upset and ran away. I haven't seen him since."
"It is not like Sully to leave his family for this long, even if he were upset."
Mike nodded. "I know...maybe I pushed him too hard..."
"These nightmares...they were about the kidnapping?"
"I..I think so..." Michaela postulated.
Cloud Dancing nodded. "Katie is safe now, but in his mind, thoughts of what could have happened may be flowing through. The 'what if' is always present."
Mike looked sorrowful. "I just don't know what to do."
"I will find him, don't worry," Cloud Dancing looked at her tenderly. "The worst is over," he said. "Now is the time for healing."
"How can we heal if he won't even look at me?"
Cloud Dancing shook his head. "There is something not right in here," he tapped his chest. "Perhaps it is affecting here," his fingers came up to his head. "I will find him, Michaela."
Cloud Dancing turned his horse eastward as Michaela began retracing her steps. What could cause my brother to leave his wife and family? Cloud Dancing wanted to know. He tried to remember what Sully had told him had happened during their trek back from Mexico. He knew the toll it had taken on Sully, and wondered if he was still berating himself for being the cause of the entire ordeal. Knowing Sully, it was. He sighed. What could I do to make him understand otherwise? There were some actions that led to consequences one could not control.
But still...he remembered vividly the day they had found Katie (so they had thought) under the wagon - the life crushed out of her. It had been just as hard to see his brother and Michaela as it was to know it was his "daughter" buried in those leaves. He had not known if Sully could bear the loss of a daughter twice, but Sully had responded by taking care of Michaela instead. It was only now that he was crumbling. He racked his brain to think of ways to keep Sully out of another downward spiral. The last time he gone into one, he nearly hadn't made it out.
1863
It was cooler than normal, this 8th day of October. The man standing silently in the trees listened to the wind as it rustled through the leaves. A twig cracked in the near distance and he silently whirled around.
Cloud Dancing of the Southern Cheyenne was hunting wolf. He had been tracking this particular one for days and now he knew he was close.
This wolf had become separated from its pack days ago and had seemingly wandered in confusion ever since. It was very unlike a wolf, so unlike one in fact, that Cloud Dancing wondered if it had been given some power by the Spirits. He had prayed to them, asking them if it was alright that he continue hunting this creature, but there had been no response. And so CD kept on.
He saw the wolf in front of him now, standing absolutely still. The wolf seemed to stare straight at him. CD put down his bow and arrow. He could not kill this animal.
The wolf came up to him now, so close that CD could have put out his hand and pet him. But he did not. Perhaps he ought to have been afraid, but he was not. The wolf turned and walked away, and CD followed him through the trees.
For two miles they walked, the man following the wolf. He didn't know exactly why he was following, but knew that at the end he'd have his answer.
The wolf began running now, making it hard for CD to keep up. The distance between them lengthened until finally, far away from CD, the wolf came to a stop at the base of a tree and began whining. Cloud Dancing knew he had found his answer.
Cloud Dancing neared the tree, and saw the broken man propped up against it, barely breathing. In one moment, he threw himself on his knees and checked to see if the man was alive. Sully, feeling someone's touch, opened his eyes and gasped. It was only in surprise at finding someone there, not the fact that it was an Indian, but Cloud Dancing took it the wrong way, as he had seen many other whites react the same. He told him in English, "I will not hurt you."
Sully nodded weakly and pushed him away. "Leave me alone," he said.
"I cannot," CD said, haltingly.
"I want to die," Sully told him.
"I know," CD simply said.
Sully opened his eyes again and gave the Indian in front of him a good look-over. "So if you know, then leave me alone!" He pushed CD harder this time.
CD said again, "I cannot."
Sully struggled to his feet and began crying, tears running down his face. Cloud Dancing stood too, his arms outstretched, ready to support if needed.
"Please," Sully cried, "I just want to -" his hunger and sleeplessness took their toll as he fainted dead away, falling towards the ground. CD caught him and lifted him over his shoulders. He began walking West, the wolf following.
Recalling that, Cloud Dancing felt an idea sprout in his head. Maybe...it had worked once, but times were so different now...could it work again?
Cloud Dancing stopped his horse in the trees near a familiar place. He nodded slowly, seeing the old lean-to with fresh boughs for its roof. The old fire circle was prominent, new ashes in its rim. It had been 7 years since Sully had lived there - but all of a sudden it seemed as if he had never left. To his right, Cloud Dancing heard the blunt sounds of two objects being slammed together.
Sully was using his hatchet to chop firewood. Cloud Dancing could see him through the trees. He looked so angry, so completely lost in his own world. For just a moment he hesitated, but he came to his senses and plunged forward through the shrubbery.
Sully looked up in surprise. "Hello, Cloud Dancin'," he said, leaning upon the handle of the ax. "Thought you went back to Montana."
Cloud Dancing nodded. "I was about to, when Dr. Mike found me."
Sully looked away.
"Ahem," Cloud Dancing coughed nervously.
Sully looked back towards him.
"You know, Sully, there is a Cheyenne saying that says 'a nation is not conquered until the hearts of its women are on the ground.'" He smiled. "And that is why the Cheyenne are still here. It is why *I* am still here. Snowbird's heart will never be on the ground...not even in death."
Sully threw his hatchet down in disgust and walked away. "Leave me alone."
Cloud Dancing looked at his brother and could see the sorrow lines etched upon his face. "I cannot," he told him.
Sully began walking away, but Cloud Dancing stepped in front of him. "I said, 'leave me alone!'" Sully roared. He grabbed Cloud Dancing's shoulders as if to fight, but CD took hold of his and in one fluid motion rolled backwards, his foot in the middle of Sully's chest, and flipped him over. While he ended up standing, Sully lay on the ground under Cloud Dancing's foot.
"Do you wish to fight? Is that what you wish to do?" Cloud Dancing demanded. He removed his foot. "Go ahead, Sully, I will not stop you."
Sully stood up quickly, brushing himself off.
"You are in a very dark place, my brother," CD told him.
All of a sudden Sully sighed, running his fingers through his unkempt hair. "I know," was all he said. His features melted as his lips began quivering and the tears came. "And I don't know what to do about it!" he sobbed, falling into Cloud Dancing's embrace.
Cloud Dancing held him for a moment. "I know."
Sully kept crying. "I almost lost them, Cloud Dancin'. I almost lost Katie and Michaela 'n Brian too. I'm so ashamed of myself." The tears flowed freely.
Cloud Dancing did not release his grip. "You are ashamed of yourself for a reason I do not understand, " he admitted. "But there is no shame in feeling this way."
Sully turned to him. "How do I get myself out of this dark place?" he asked tearfully. "I thought that by talkin' it out with Michaela, I would feel better. But now I feel hopeless. I don't deserve her, Cloud Dancin', she deserves someone who wouldn't give up on her."
"Sully, you did not give up on her -" Cloud Dancing tried to tell him, but gave up. It was useless. He tried another tact. Sully's sorrowful eyes lit up. "Redeem myself? How?"
"By participating in the Sun Dance."
"Take part in the Sun Dance," Sully repeated.
Cloud Dancing nodded. "If I am correct you have never been involved in one before, Sully. I think that you had gone on a vision quest at that time many years ago."
Sully shook his head. "Yeah, you're right," he fingered the pouch that was around his neck. "But I've heard of it before."
"We engage in the Sun Dance for world renewal."
"What does that have to do with me?" Sully wondered.
"One may participate in the Sun Dance for personal reasons," Cloud Dancing told him. "Perhaps it will allow you to face that shame which you feel you have placed upon yourself. It is a time of renewal, Sully."
Sully looked at him, full in the eyes, slowly nodding his head. He reached out and gripped the other man in sudden embrace. "Thank you, brother," he said.
The journey to the Tongue River Valley in Montana took 19 days. Once among the Northern Cheyenne Sully felt almost uncomfortable. He watched as Cloud Dancing worked his way through the crowd, at ease with his seemingly foreign counterparts. It was good to see Cloud Dancing interacting with the Cheyenne again, but it made him all too aware of Black Kettle’s band of Southern Cheyenne that had been decimated. Sully felt like an outsider with these people he scarcely knew.
But not for long. Soon he was welcomed among the ranks, and he watched with interest as the group went about, preparing for the ceremony. His heart was hollow though, and ached for his family. Michaela, Katie, Brian...he shook his head, trying to snap himself out of it. He had failed them. Now he needed to redeem himself.
The Sun Dance of the Plains Indians was a ritual that lasted 8 days. Once it was understood that Sully was to take part, he helped with the preparations, doing what he was told. He noted the party atmosphere, the rejoicing, the fun, but he did not share in it. Instead he stayed on the fringe of the crowd, eyeing it all.
Cloud Dancing noticed this and sidled up to him. "He is called ‘The Reproducer’," he explained as Sully watched the man in the middle.
"What for?"
"It will be because of him that our tribe is renewed. He has pledged not to have any – sexual relations with his wife until he completes the dance. If they do - they will die."
"Why has he pledged this?" Sully asked.
"For his own reasons," Cloud Dancing answered. "Perhaps they are similar to your own."
Sully didn’t reply.
At that moment a warrior, with a heavy burden in tow, stepped out of the treeline. A roar went up from the crowd. The tree was lifted partially into position and then Sully noticed a group of braves surrounding it with spears. He looked at Cloud Dancing in puzzlement. "The warriors will charge the tree," Cloud Dancing explained.
"Why aren’t you participating?" Sully wanted to know.
Cloud Dancing was confused. Wasn’t it obvious? "Because I am explaining it to you."
Sully watched as younger, slimmer trees were dragged into camp, stripped of their lower limbs and painted blue, green, yellow and red to represent the four directions. Afterwards, they were placed in each of their proper places facing North, South, East, and West. Lastly, branches were added to the top of the main pole. Cloud Dancing walked to the center and swiftly snapped an arrow over his knee, placing it within the brush. Sully watched as other tribesmen placed other items: a bit of buffalo meat, a rope duplicate of the morning star, and a phallic-shaped rawhide likeness of an enemy warrior. Cloud Dancing resumed his place beside Sully and explained. "The branches represent the nest of the Thunder-bird who -"
"I know," interrupted Sully. "The spirit who controls the sun and rain."
Cloud Dancing looked at him, pleased. "You have not forgotten. The broken arrow I added is symbolic of all enemy arrows which will now not harm us. The meat represents our food supply, the morning star guides us, and the enemy is that which will be useless against us."
Sully nodded. It felt good to be a part of this.
He noticed the pole being slowly raised. He turned to his brother. "Now what?"
"Now we sing," CD told him, and together the camp lifted their voices in hopes of rejuvenating the earth.