Covenant

Summary: Carol thinks about her past and her future on the eve of her wedding to Tag.

The show ER, and all characters and situations borrowed from it, are property of Constant-C, NBC, Warner Brothers, etc. This fanfiction is for entertainment only, and no money is made from it. The story contains graphic scenes and words which may offend some readers, and as such, it is not appropriate for children under 18. This story is not to be archived or distributed without the permission of the author.

**Author's note: Yes, I'm running out of things to write about, so I moved backward in time as I wrote this. Hopefully, it's not too distracting. Again, heartfelt thanks to the Taskmaster, who rightfully never cuts me any slack. At all.

This story takes place during "Everything Old is New Again."

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You stick to me when I wish you gone
You hammer on my thoughts through dreams
Your plot is thick with saucy schemes
And ways to reach my balconies
-- Carly Simon
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Covenant

by Jordan
jxp@my-dejanews.com 


The rain never let up. The thunder, the lightning, was non-stop.  Then, finally, the hail banging off the windows made it impossible for her to sleep. Not that she had been sleeping as of late, anyway. Carol laid in bed staring at her beautiful white dress hanging in the corner of the bedroom, thinking about the rehearsal dinner this past evening.  About her wedding tomorrow. Tag was quiet tonight, quieter than usual, and she had wondered if he was just as nervous as she was. When he kissed her goodnight, he had pointedly asked her if she was looking forward to tomorrow.

"Of course I am, Tag. Aren't you?"

"Sure. I can't wait to see you walk down the aisle. I can't wait until you are my wife."

Carol passed off her feelings as normal pre-wedding jitters. Tomorrow was going to be the most wonderful day of her life. Content that she was marrying a man who really loved her, she knew he would cherish her forever. So what if she was a little unsure? Every bride feels this way, she told herself.

The weeks leading up to now were an emotional nightmare. Tag's insistence on a huge wedding grated on her nerves. She would have been satisfied with a simple ceremony, but he wanted more. Things had gradually escalated out of control and she was happy the extravaganza would all be over with by tomorrow. It had been an ordeal just being at work today.

Earlier that afternoon, the nursing staff, the ones who wouldn't be coming to the wedding, had sent her off shouting words of good luck and encouragement. The attention this past week was starting to become too much to bear, especially in the presence of the one man who'd pointedly steered clear of wedding talk. He looked more drawn than usual this week, and she heard through the grapevine that something had happened with Diane, that she had broken it off.  Something about Doug and another woman. Well, she thought, some things never change.

Carol could tell he was upset, and her first instinct was to offer to talk to him about it, but she decided not to and intentionally avoided him. In fact, she had done a good job of staying out of his way until today.  Her shift was finally over and she was thankful that she was leaving.  Relieved to escape the constant pressure, she walked into the lounge to get her things just as he was walking out and came face-to-face with him. They were alone together.

"Hey, Doug."

Doug cleared his throat. "Hey." He looked down awkwardly, and then again at her. "So, I guess tomorrow's the big event?" His mouth was smiling, but his eyes were not.

"Yeah it is." She forced a smile onto her face as well.

"Afternoon?"

"Late afternoon." She glanced away briefly, wishing she could run away from him.

"Mm hmm." Instinctively, his hands reached up and he held her arms gently. "Carol...good luck to you. I hope you have a wonderful day." Thumbs stroking back and forth, willing himself to let go. "A married woman..." he said softly, his eyes caressing her. He was suffocating; he could barely breathe. "You'll be a beautiful bride."

Carol searched his deep eyes and she saw the distress and the pain that lie just behind them. No words would suffice. None at all.  Desperate thoughts passed through his mind. And through hers.

Could I kiss you one last time, before you belong to him?  Will my vows tomorrow, the covenant I make, obliterate you from my mind?  Could I please hold you again, even though it's too late?  Did you love me once?
Could I take you away and make love to you until you relent, until you'll have me?   Will I learn to look at you without wanting you?

Feeling like she was the verge of tears, not wanting to cry in front of him, Carol simply nodded thanks and backed away, stepping aside to let him pass by.

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But I say I'm not turned on by the way you look
I say I'm not turned on by the way you act
I'm not turned on when you tell me
That you need me
But sometimes, just sometimes
You can see the softness in my eyes
And you know
It's just not true
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Pressing her head into the pillow, thinking about her encounter with him, she sighed. The look on his face today was familiar. It had first appeared, she had first seen it, when she told him of her engagement.  Since then, she'd caught it there every once in a while. It confused her. Even being with him today, the way it felt when he stroked her arms in the lounge, had made her wonder. Was she wrong in suspecting he had once cared about her? Why did he hold onto her so long? What was he trying to say to her?

The attraction had been immediate between them when they first met.  Having seen his kind before, she avoided him for as long as she could, knowing he was the type of man her mother had warned her about. The hot flame would burn quickly, her mother taught her, but extinguish fast, leaving her scorched and alone. The thing is, the fire never did go out. However, her mother was right about one thing: He did hurt her.  Her ego took a beating every time she heard about his indiscretions, the other women he would seek out day or night. He would always come back to her, though, telling her he needed her again, until she pressed him for a commitment. That did it; he was gone. Oh, he had come running back later, like some little boy who fondly remembered good times with an old toy, who needed his security blanket, but by then she would have none of it.

As it turned out, though, there would be other moments. Their kiss a few months back. The kiss that set her body into motion again, that made her think she would never be over him. That compelled her to turn to the safety and security of Tag. Her confrontation with Doug when she told him she was moving back in with Tag was bitter.

"What happened with us, this afternoon, does that matter?" Doug had asked.

"What happened this afternoon was an accident."

"There are no accidents. Look it's great. Really, it's great. Thanks for letting me know."

She thought about the night she went running to him, hurt over losing Tatiana. Desperately wanting him, his lovemaking and the familiarity of his body to make it all better, to blunt the pain, though he wouldn't let her, didn't let it happen. During the drive home that night he had held her hand in his the entire time and let her lay her head on his shoulder while she silently cried.

Finally, she thought about the last time they made love, when she learned about the shame and exhilaration of an illicit affair. Yeah, she thought, there were moments.

In bed, realizing with some dismay that she was aroused by thinking about him, she willed Tag's face to her mind, but it was constantly replaced. His face above hers, smiling. His voice whispering in her ear. My god, she thought, I'm getting married tomorrow. I don't even want Doug. How perverse is this?

*****

Tag came along at the perfect time. On the mend from Doug, she was ready for someone serious and committed; Tag was both. He'd come down to the ER several times on an ortho consult and was always polite and cordial. She was struck by his good looks and his gentle manner. When he finally asked her out, she was thrilled and after a short while they began seeing each other exclusively. With him she knew just what people meant when they said "He treated her like a lady." He was so kind and thoughtful that she found herself caring about him more and more.

The first time she made love to Tag was awkward for her. It came some months into their relationship, one evening after they had gone out to dinner. She invited him in, as she usually did, and after a while they ended up moving from the sofa to her bedroom. Thoughtful and considerate from the start, even asking about birth control, if she wanted him to use a condom. He slowly undressed her, taking her sweater off and kissing her lips, her neck. Tag gazed down at her, smiling, and said, "You're beautiful."

Her mind unintentionally raced back as she closed her eyes, remembering the voice of another man, to their first time.

"Look at you. You're beautiful."

Opening her eyes again she saw Tag's face and smiled back at him. She was gradually aroused, much to her relief; she had been afraid she wouldn't be able to respond to anyone after Doug. Quietly, deliberately, he stroked her, explored her body with his hands. She was so used to being uninhibited, thanks to Doug, to seeking pleasure for herself through her lover's body. However, she restrained herself with Tag at first, though he didn't seem to notice. When he had removed all her clothes, when he had thought she was aroused and ready, he entered her and made love to her sweetly, silently. So...silently. Carol put her arms around him and, looking for encouragement, whispered, "How does it feel?"

"Mmm," Tag murmured back to her, his eyes closed, concentrating on his slow, easy strokes.

Carol pulled him to her and closed her eyes, too, moving in time with his rhythm as she found herself becoming more aroused. The sensation was growing stronger, and she let out a loud moan. "Oh, Tag, please...."

Tag didn't seem to hear her, though, because he started groaning. She felt him climax, finally slow down. She tried to spur him on, to make him continue, and moved her hand down between her legs, determined to come before he stopped. It was too late.

"Carol, did you...?"

Her concentration broken, she stopped stroking. "Oh. No."

"Oh, I thought, you know, when you cried out. You were really kind of loud."

It was like cold water thrown in her face, telling her she was too loud while she made love. In the past, he -- Doug -- had loved hearing her talk. He said it made his desire grow, knowing she was her enjoying herself. He would do things deliberately just to make her beg for more,  so he could hear her voice. Tag's remark brought her rushing back to reality.

Carol looked up at him and smiled. "No. But it doesn't matter. It was wonderful, Tag. Really."

Lying in his arms, she cuddled to him, telling herself it was just their first time, that they needed to get to know each other's bodies. That things would be better.

*****

Things did get better, though she was never able to match the openness and hedonism she felt with Doug. Eventually she settled into a nice pattern with Tag and found she cared about him deeply. That's why Carol would never be able to understand why she had sought Doug, his body, that one last night. By that time she was sure she didn't want him in her life anymore, having had a taste of fidelity with Tag. But it happened, and she had to live with the consequences of her impropriety.

The day after their covert evening, as she was eating lunch with Tag, Carol caught sight of him in the cafeteria, across the room. She could still feel his hot mouth on hers. He didn't notice her at first, but seeing him and remembering what happened between them made her blush. Briefly, only for a moment, he looked up at her. Seeing Tag next to her, he quickly looked away.

Carol watched him walk off and Tag followed her gaze. "What did you ever see in that guy, Carol?" He shook his head in amazement.

"I don't know. He's self-centered, dishonest. He cheated on me all the time. I have no idea, Tag. But that's in the past now." It was all physical anyway, she told herself. There was nothing else there. It will go away. It will.

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You're in my blood, a Holy Ghost
I scream, but it's a hollow plea
The thoughts I swallow leave me thirsty
You do a very fine imitation of me
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At first he would appear in her dreams. She never knew when it would happen, but there he would be, naked in her bed, his chest against hers, kissing her and tasting her skin. His hands in her hair, he would pull her close to him and caress her, telling her he wanted to make love to her, his tender mouth everywhere. She reached out to him, trying to force him inside of her, but he would smile and leave, slipping away.

Carol would wake up aroused and turn to Tag, unbuttoning his pajamas, running her hands through the hair on his chest, taking him into her mouth to excite him. Tag would always be delighted to wake up this way and make love to her whenever she wanted to. She loved this about him, and would hold him tightly, wrapping her legs around his waist to let him in deeply.

As the wedding approached and she had trouble sleeping, something unsettling began to happen when she made love to Tag. Not that Tag was inconsiderate, not at all. And she loved him. She really did. But she was having difficulty climaxing, and she found herself more and more removed from the bedroom, from him. Her mind drifted elsewhere and she would imagine she could hear a soothing voice in her ear as she fantasized about earlier times.

"Oh, god, Carol...what you do to me."

He was above her, one hand beside her face, kissing her, seducing her.  Moving his other hand down, down, finding her saturated, furtively voicing his approval. His mouth, so expert and sure, sought her most hidden and sensitive parts. Going down on her, eating her. He was as sweet and as gentle as possible and she ached to feel him between her legs. He controlled her pleasure confidently, having learned just what she loved. Always patient, always delighting in every minute of their lovemaking, prompting her to venture out, to try something new.

"Open your eyes this time, Carol. I want you to look at me when you come. No, no, don't close them. Open your eyes."

And she obeyed Doug, everything he said. It was the most intense experience of her life, that day, looking at his face when she came, feeling so naked and vulnerable. Yet so safe with him. Seeing something in his eyes she couldn't quite identify then as he tilted his head and watched her lose herself in him. Yielding to his voice, to his body. His satisfaction was in watching her come; he was charmed by her desire.

Then, after he made sure she was fulfilled, after he let her down so gently, he pushed her legs apart with his knees, guiding himself inside her. He knew that he fit snugly, and so was always careful to hold back just a bit, not thrusting too deeply at first, so he wouldn't hurt her, so she wouldn't cry out. Waiting for her to become accustomed to him. Though she didn't really want him to. She wanted him to possess her from the start, to enjoy her just as she enjoyed him.  Wanted to make him call out her name, to prove that he needed her. And he would.

She would imagine being with him, and it caused her passion to grow. How he groaned, saying her name softly, or describing how she felt to him, each time as he penetrated her, as though it were the first time he'd ever had her. The way he murmured his approval to her, telling her how he relished their time together. Laughing in bed with him, every time an adventure.  His eyes looking deeply into hers, as though he saw something compelling there. How he encouraged her to seek out her own will, to tell him exactly what she wanted. He was simply her most passionate lover. At these times, his words would haunt her.

"Tell him that you don't love me. Tell him that you don't think about me when you're with him."

She hoped that Tag would never know.

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And I say I'm not turned on by the way you dance
I'm not turned on my the way you laugh
I'm not turned on when you need me
But sometimes, just sometimes
You can see the softness in my eyes
And you know, it's just not true.
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Morning came and the rain continued. Carol pulled herself out of bed and thoughtfully looked at her dress, toward the day that would change her life forever. She wondered if Tag was awake, if he was as nervous as she was right now. Smiling to herself, she thought about him. He was so reserved sometimes, so cool. Would he really be nervous, or would he take today in stride just as he did everything that came about in his life?  In her heart, she knew he would be a loving husband, honest, devoted and faithful. And she was so blessed to have him in her life.

Another thought came to mind. Someone else would be awake, too. He would already be up, having his coffee, reading the paper. Or maybe he  wouldn't be. Maybe he wasn't alone, maybe he was making love to someone right now, in the morning, rebounding from Diane. Probing her, exploring her. Telling someone else how it felt to be deep inside, waiting for her to come. Carol wondered if he ever thought about her the way she thought about him. Probably not. The words he had said the night of her engagement party were just that: Words. He wasn't drunk that night, she knew. Just desperate.

"Go home Doug."

"I love you."

"You love an old idea of me."

"And you love me."

"No I don't."

"Yes, you do," he insisted.

"No I DON'T. You haven't changed Doug, and the sad thing is, you don't even realize it."

"All right, then, I will change."

He never will, though, she thought. He never will.

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And I say I'm not turned on by the way you laugh
I'm not turned on by the way you smile
I'm not turned on when you tell me that you love me
But sometimes, just sometimes
You can see the softness in my eyes
And you know, it's just not true
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Everything fell apart that day as her expectations were dashed, though she couldn't blame Tag. At that moment, late in the afternoon, seeing the hurt on his face, she felt she'd never loved him more. Playing along, making a charade out of love the way she did, was unforgivable. As he walked away, she was so sad and thought her last chance at happiness may have walked away with him.

She didn't find out until later how Doug knew to come to the church.  But at Susan's insistence Mark had called him. "She might need you. I think you'd better get over here."

As he sat in the pew in front of her, she felt grateful for his friendship. He held her hand again, assuring her that she'd find happiness in her life. Carol was moved by his sweetness.

"Doug...thanks for coming here. I don't know what I'd do...." Tears started again.

"Now Carol, don't start crying again. You won't be able to return the dress if it gets all wet."

She laughed at him in spite of herself.

"What do you want to do?" he asked.

"I want to leave and get some jeans on and go get a beer someplace. I can't face all those people."

"Yes, you can. All those people are your family and friends. Let me know when you're ready and I'll walk out with you."

So he waited until she dried her tears and he helped her remove her veil. Silently encouraging her to move on. With him walking behind her, bolstered by his support, she walked ahead.

Surrounded by her loved ones, after her initial sadness and tears, Carol felt relieved and happy. She danced and drank and looked into the faces  of all those who were important to her. Her mother, for once, quiet and relaxed. Halle and Lydia, her comrades-in-arms, who thankfully reacted as if this type of thing, a canceled wedding, happened every day. Malik, grabbing the microphone, getting up in front of everyone and entertaining them, making them dance and laugh. Susan and Mark and Jennifer carrying on.

And Doug.

Her friend Doug, who finally had happiness and relief all over his face. Who smiled for the first time in a long time. Watching her from the sidelines, he offered his quiet comfort and strength. Over and over again that afternoon and into the evening she would seek out his eyes among the crowd of people. They were a kind of anchor for her; she would find him looking at her, smiling, and she would smile back.

He didn't speak to her again at length that afternoon except to say goodbye, offer some final words of encouragement, and give her a kiss on her forehead. Unfaithful and unreliable he was, but thoughtful and compassionate, too. She was grateful to him, though she never came right out and said it, because on this her wedding day, he had helped her more than he might ever know.

The End

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People speak of love don't know what they're thinking of
Wait around for the one who fits just like a glove
Speak in terms of belief and belonging
Try to fit some name to their longing...

People speak of love don't know what they're thinking of
Reach out to each other though the push and shove
Speak in terms of a life and the learning
Try to think of a word for the burning...

...You keep it up
You try so hard
To keep a life from coming apart
And never know
The shallows and the unseen reefs
That are there from the start
In the shape of a heart
--Jackson Browne
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