June 16, 1998

June 17

Torn Between Two Lovers (or Dawson's Creek in real Life!)

I was wondering what advice you'd give me in this situation:
I just graduated High School (I'm 18) and earlier in the year I was dating this girl; she was so awesome and I thought we going to get serious. Our first date was Homecoming dance, about mid January, so it totalled up to about 4 months that we went out. In January, she was planning to come to one of my basketball games and it got cancelled so I called her and told her not to come. She said she would call me the next day. Yeah right! That was the last time I saw her or spoke to her...until just 2 days ago; after a whole six months!
Anyway, she came over to pick up my little sister and she wanted me to go to the party too. My sister asked her what ever happened between us and she said she didn't know; the whole thing was a big misunderstanding. She also said that she wanted to do something with me again, that maybe we could get back together.
You see, I never did get over her totally, she just has a hold on me somehow. So here's my problem now...
About two weeks ago one of my really close girl friends tells me that she has feelings for me and she is such a sweet person and very beautiful too. We've been friends since we were little and we never thought about dating until just now. We went out last week and had such a great time and we've been talking every day and I'm starting to like her a lot.
So what am I supposed to do? If my ex would have told me this stuff two weeks ago I would be with her right now in a heart beat! I guess it's because I never really got over her and still have those feelings in me, but now I'm sorta with a new girl; nothing serious but I like this girl a lot. She seems so perfect for me right now.
I don't really know what to do?! I wish my ex never woulda said the stuff she did because now I'm confused. Ok, I feel like I'm rambling so I'll stop. Tell me what you think of all this stuff!? I'm just afraid if I go back with my ex I'll get hurt again. I feel like I'm supposed to stay with the new girl but I want to hear what you think~~~~~

The Truth As I See It!

You already know what you should do and I'm just going to give you some positive reinforcement!
I think you need to stay with the new girl for a few reasons. To be able to have a lover who is also a friend is a true thing of beauty. Nothing like it in the world. But you'll need to take it slow and carefully progress into the relationship. You already know her and have for years and you don't want to ruin a friendship. The problem most people make when deciding to turn friendship into dating is that they go too fast, especially at your age, and in turn the relationship crashes and burns right along with any hope of being friends ever again. If you really think that the two of you have a chance of beginning a true relationship, not just a fling, I say go forward, but slowly.
Now on to the other part, the EX! With the limited information you gave me on the demise of your relationship I'll give you my input. Seeing as how it ended so abruptly and now she wants to try again after 6 months tells me that she probably found someone else for that period of time and that has just come to an end. Now she figures she try for you again. She strikes me as a bit of a user. As a result of all this you are left with a void, you are missing closure. You are left wondering "what if?". She's hurt you once and will most likely do it again. Do you really need that? I don't think so! If you really need to get closure, give her a call and ask her what ever happenned, and only ask her that. Get her reason, whatever it may be, and move on. Hang up! If you can't handle the confrontation, just right off the past realtionshhip as experience and move on. You've got the chance for something good with someone who really cares for you and I don't know what else you could ask for!
Good luck!

A reader has sent his reply to me concerning my response. It is as follows:

I think that I have something to add to your answer to the question that you answered on June 16th. I have had this experience. I mean the one with the person that has a best friend that said that she likes him.

In my experience it always works out that when a friend that you have known for years starts to like you as more than a friend, It's a no win situation. There are four things that have happen to me.
One: After the two people who are involved in the situation find out how each other feel the friendship kinda deteriorates. It is hard to act the same way around each other. Either because you don't want to lead them on or because your just not comfortable anymore. You loose the security of being able to talk about anything with them.
Two: You will just stop being friends all together. This happens because of the comfort thing. When you can't act naturally around someone that you have known for years. You loose that connection you had with that person. It's very very hard to get that back but it is possible. I did it.
3: When one of the people involved gets a boy friend or a girl friend. Or in the case of the letter girl friend. In my experience the friendship ends or becomes rocky.
4: If you do go out with her then there is a slim to no chance that you will remain friends. It is such a tough situation. There isn't much to do. The only advice that I can give to the person who wrote the last letter, is to communicate with the best friend girl. Let her know the reason why you won't go out with her and let her know that you want to still be friends. If you don't do this then you will not be able salvage the friendship!

Thanks a lot!
Ryan

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