Host: And what have you planned to do about this, Sephiroth?
Sephiroth: Well, just his morning I got on the phone with my agent, and he told me that he quit because I was unemployed. So I think that after this show I'll go and kill the people responsible for this. I'll kill them and their families, then I'll destroy their property and kick their pets. The dogs I'll cook for dinner.
Host: (nods thoughtfully) I see. Maybe you'd like to warm up by punching your former co-workers here.
Sephiroth: Thanks for the offer, Host, but I seem to have misplaced my sword. Without a sword, it's just not the same.
Host: That's too bad. Yuffie, you haven't spoken in a while. What do you plan to do about this?
Yuffie: It's hopeless. I've offered upwards of 20 million American dollars, but they still won't listen.
Host: Have you considered taking up a new profession like Vincent here? (Vincent: I vant to suck your blood!) I think you'd make a nice Spice Girl.
Yuffie: Spice Girl? Ah ha ha, No thanks, not my style. Besides, Tifa has a better Bust-to-Brains ratio for that job.
Tifa: (cracks her knuckles) I'll bust your brains, you little...
Barrett: (unwittingly stepping between the two ladies) (Tifa: Outta the way, you big oaf! Yuffie: You lose, Tifa.) Actually, I just want to know who's responsible for this so I can beat them up.
Host: Good point, Barrett! Glad to see that you're looking for someone to blame. Anything to say, Vincent?
Vincent: Vell, I am feeling a little thirsty.
Host: Clearly you haven't been paying attention to our topic. Barrett wants to know who to blame so he can beat them up and Sephiroth wants to kill those responsible. So whose blood do you want to suck?
Vincent: (clearly in his own little world) Yeah, Sephiroth alvays vas a little strange. Just yesterday, he knocked on my coffin and told me that he could bring me back to life because he vas as great as Jesus.
Yuffie: As great as Jesus? That's an improvement. I remember that during the making of...Tifa VII...he told me he was Jesus.
Barrett: Hey, yeah, I remember that! We all got a good laugh when he tried to walk on water and nearly drowned.
Sephiroth: My powers were merely weakened by your utter lack of faith.
Host: Of course, Sephiroth. Care to explain, Yuffie?
Yuffie: It's sad, but true. The thing is, Sephiroth was already a little off the edge when he started working with us. It didn't help when they called his mother Jenova.
Tifa: Now, when I first read that in the script, I was like, "Jenova? What's that, like Jehovah or something? Sephiroth's the child of God?"
Vincent: Imagine that, the son of Jenova! Ah hah hah hah hah hah! (lightning strikes in the background and a stagehand is struck dead. Sephiroth tramples the body for good measure) Ah, and don't forget his twelve followers.
Yuffie: Yeah, those twelve guys. I'd say the whole angel thing at the end tipped him over completely.
Tifa: I almost feel sorry for the psycho. After all, those guys at Squ...
Host: Sorry to interrupt, Tifa, but you know you can't name companies unless you want to pay the legal fees for this show.
Tifa: Sorry, Host. Anyway, those, uh, Tifa VII makers always mess people up. I mean, Vincent's a vampire, and Sephiroth thinks he's the son of God. I'll bet in Tifa VIII they'll have someone be God, or the son of the Virgin Mary, or something.
Yuffie: Actually, Virgin Mary's been done. Remember, uh, Tifa VI? Terra, the child of Madonna?
Tifa: Oh, right. Well, between you and me, Host, I think they'd better quit the whole Christianity thing, or at least use some other religion.
Yuffie: Yeah, maybe one with more gods. More gods, more variety.
Barrett: Hey, are we talking about how "I can't believe they're replacing me!" ? I really want to vent my spleen here!
