RPG Survival Guide -- Transportation

Transportation

Now, it must have occurred to you that if the hero/ine is to be the saviour of the world, s/he must make him/herself known to the whole world. Keeping in mind that being a hero/ine leaves no time for media events, the hero/ine must have a way to travel around and let him/herself be known.

Of course the simplest mode of transportation is Walking. It might seem rather impossible to walk across an entire continent, let alone the world, but you are forgetting that all RPGs have Miniaturised Worlds. So no need to worry about getting blisters on your feet, because the next town -- or even the next country -- is only a few steps away. The strange thing about this is that most villages are also a few steps wide. This means that the average village is roughly half the size of a country. Strange? Yes, but don't complain because you'll be sorry when your hero/ine refuses to adventure without a private jet and limousine to travel the long distances in.

Easy as it is to walk, most hero/ines find this mode of transportation sadly lacking in style. The next step up is to use Mutant Animals. These include anything from a frog to a horse to a bird, as long as it is large enough to carry a person and also have impossibly acute hearing. The acute hearing is needed because most often, the Animal must appear at your every call, despite the fact that you might be on the opposite side of the world. Now, this Animal must also have Self-Concealment Skills. You should be able to imagine how civilians would suffer if a giant bird flew freely above their air space or if a large frog hopped by every now and then. Thus, these animals must learn to hide themselves when not in use.

Cool though they may be, animals require the sort of care and attention that hero/ines can't bother with. After all, who wants to sit in a stable and clean out manure when evil might be lurking just around the corner, waiting to be beaten to a pulp? So, the second most popular mode of transportation is the Unbelievably Advanced Vehicle. For some unknown reason, ships, cars, and planes are infinitely more advanced than, say, personal hygiene in the RPG world (how many houses even have washrooms?). But then, the hero/ine never seems to be unkempt either, so perhaps there is still much to learn when it comes to personal hygiene in RPGs.

Most hero/ines are content with the above three modes of transportation, and are loathe to mention the forth and final one. Yes, it is very hard to find a hero/ine who will actively promote the use of Wimpy Teleportation Spells. The reason for this is simple. Why suffer teleportation sickness when one can be flying through the sky with wind blowing through spikey hair in a most stylish manner? A common misconception about teleportation is that hero/ines find it convenient and time-saving. The truth is that hero/ines couldn't care less about getting to the villain in time, since the villain is always courteous enough to wait for the hero/ine before attempting to take over the world anyway.

Rather than convenience, the foremost thought in the hero/ine's mind when picking a mode of transportation is whether it will increase his/her popularity rating and coolness factor. You might mistakenly think that saving the world would probably be enough of a boost to a hero/ine's popularity, but that's only true in the real world.

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