Otaku Wars! Generations
In the beginning, there was nothing. An infinite expanse of nothing
so vast that it was... well... pretty damn big. After all, when you think
about it infinite is just an attempt by the feeble minds of human beings to
grasp a truly incomprehensible concept. One could never truly understand
infinity, just as one could never truly understand the sheer amount of evil
that Bill Gates could lay claim to or *exactly* how many licks it takes to
get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop.
As everyone knows, 'infinity' is really just a word used by people
trying to sound intelligent, and occasionally by drunk guys trying to pick
up girls. Of course, for it to work the girl would have to be either really
stupid or equally drunk....
But I digress. Like I said, there was nothing. "Let there be light,"
a Voice suddenly said.
And suddenly, there was lots of light. For a brief moment, where the
planet of Otaku World had been before the entire universe had destroyed
itself, words appeared in the nothingness. Giant glowing words in the form
of an archaic signature, such as one might have seen adorning the 'email'
messages of the twentieth century.
-=Jet Wolf
Secretly plotting to topple the Empire of Ami Fans.
And then the light shining from the Words was eclipsed by the awesome
light of countless suns flaring into existence as the universe was reborn...
Now in one corner of this new universe, there is a small and rather
insignificant blue-green planet. It really is quite unexceptional except
for the fact that it defies all known laws of physics, or at least it had.
Gravity had been known to only have been selectively enforced. Time had
long since been so warped and twisted that its meaning and power over the
planet was almost nothing. And what's more, the inhabitants *never* had
server problems, as impossible as that may seem.
And perhaps even more incredible, out of the entire universe that had
just been born, it alone had been re-created exactly as it had been. (Or at
least how it had been at the very beginning of it's life as a planet.) And
furthermore, the inhabitants of this planet - a polytheistic race of
warriors who had spent millennia embroiled in a sort of holy war over who
was the one true goddess - had all been reborn with it. Had this not been
absolutely impossible, it would have been remarkably similar to instant
reincarnation of sorts. But then again, when one considers history of this
odd little planet - a history composed almost entirely of strange and
impossible events - it doesn't seem nearly quite as strange as it first did.
This story is in fact the chronicle of this little blue-green planet.
It is a history of the events following its rebirth and the Warriors who
live there. It is also a history of their War, which is about to be reborn
as well. It is a truly remarkable War, unlike any other fought anywhere in
the cosmos. This is a history of the second Otaku Wars!.
* * *
As of about five minutes and thirteen seconds after the creation of
Otaku World, the Wars had not started just quite yet. (Although it was only
a matter of time...) The Warriors themselves had all appeared in one place
known simply as the Battlefield - though whether they decided to keep
calling it that was up to them. In fact, things really hadn't gotten much
past introductions.
Of course, no one knew how they already knew their names, seeing as
how they had just come into existence five minutes and thirteen seconds ago.
This of course caused much confusion since no one really understood what the
hell was going on and that little detail just added to the overall chaos of
the situation.
"Nooooooo!" Farix was screaming in horror as the camera moved closer
toward her. "I'm not supposed to be a GIRL!" she sobbed, then pointed at
Sailor Ice Blade. "This is all your fault!"
"My fault?" the blonde asked indignantly. "What did I do? Snap my
fingers like that lady on Bewitched and turn you into one?" She snapped her
fingers as she spoke and suddenly found herself holding a Pepsi. "Hey,
cool..."
"Wish I could do that," Jet Wolf muttered to herself. "I would love a
Diet Coke right now," the Wolfy One snapped her fingers (after making sure
no one was watching of course) and gave a disappointed sigh when nothing
happened. "You there," she commanded instead, pointing at Jason. "You
unthreatening-looking person. Get me a Diet Coke!"
"Anna Dammit, I shall smite thee, cursed woman o' the flames!" Jason
howled before stomping off and taking his jawas with him.
"I don't get it," Chris Waffle muttered shortly before being bowled
over by a Pook! that had snuck up on him.
"P'kow Snoog!"
"Whoa!" Cape-Mike said, backing away from the frantically flailing
Chris Waffle and accidentally bumping into someone. "Uh... sorry!"
"S'all right," Ice Blade said distractedly, trying to peel Chibi-Chibi
off of her leg with a crowbar.
"You know," CM said, looking very thoughtful. "You look *awfully*
familiar..." He then snickered. "But then again, with all the girls in Sailor
fukus here it can get hard to tell people apart!" Then, being rather
intelligent (at least for a Mako-follower) he ran like hell... and straight
into a guy wearing a Generic Suit of Armor®. "Uh... sorry," he
apologized hurriedly before streaking away from the very angry,
crowbar-wielding SIB on his tail.
"Don't ignore me!" the armored man shouted. "I'm all powerful, damn
you! I'm cool! Worship me!" The man then proceeded to do strange and
omnipotent things. That is until he was bludgeoned to death by a Big Ass
Key.
"Get bent," SuperSteve - wielder of said key - said, giving the
hapless newbie another whack for good measure.
Now, the term newbie should probably be redefined for the purpose of
this chronicle since technically everyone was a newbie - what with only
having existed for a grand total of nine minutes and fifty-seven seconds.
Or perhaps no one was a newbie since they were all the First Ones. It
depends on your point of view I suppose. But for the sake of clarity,
newbies shall be temporarily redefined for the purposes of this chronicle
as weenies who don't follow the basic rules of Otaku World. And if you must
ask just what those rules are, label yourself a newbie and please at least
attempt to educate yourself on this matter.
"The weenie was probably an Ami fan anyway," Jet Wolf said between
gulps of a Diet Coke she had managed to procure from somewhere.
"You mean a Rei fan," Hydrus corrected. "Ami's too cool for that
loser."
"Implying that Ami is somehow cooler than Rei?" Jet Wolf asked,
glaring at the armored Ami-fan.
"Well of course she is. She's the best."
"You wish!" Nightman interjected. "Minako is the best!"
"You mean Mako-chan!" Cape-Mike, the Happy Hindu, and Sailor Jessica
Rabbit chorused.
"Usagi!" SIB and Farix shouted, glaring at eachother.
"BREAK STUFF!" a group of Outer Senshi supporters shouted, not really
bothering to fit in with the current argument so long as ass-kicking and
property damage would be involved.
The Battlefield erupted into a huge brawl. And thus the first battle
of what was to become the second Otaku War began...
* * *
Time passed in the brand new world and gradually the Otaku Warriors
separated into different factions, or at least most of them did. Some
Warriors remained intentionally unaligned, fighting just to have a chance
to kick ass and have fun. There was even a faction that was officially
neutral and was determined to prove that all of the goddesses were equal.
This of course struck most everyone else as incredibly blasphemous and they
were quickly declared to be a 'bunch of fence-sitting wusses', but only by
the more outspoken Otaku.
Otaku World had undergone many changes in this time as well. Gradually,
the various factions established bases of operations - most of them being
almost impenetrable fortresses with a few notable exceptions like the Green
Tents of Mako and the Diet Coke Bottle From Hell 2®. Which in itself was
a mystery since not even the Reichanians knew why they had decided to call
it the second Bottle From Hell when it was in reality the first of its kind.
(Or the nineteenth if one had been around to witness the first eighteen in
the previous universe. But again, that all depends on your point of view.)
All in all, the second Otaku Wars! were not too terribly different
from the first. Wal Marts were blown up, Nameless Otaku senselessly
slaughtered, and soda consumed in mass quantities. Otaku Warriors were like
most people creatures of habit, even if they didn't know those habits had
been established in a previous lifetime. Of course, not everything had
remained the same. Rivalries and enemies had changed somewhat - Ice Blade
and Cape Mike being a perfect example of love turning into mortal hatred.
But the important thing was that the spirit of the Wars had remained intact,
even through the destruction of the universe.
But back to the story. Right now - as of about three weeks, six days,
four hours, two minutes, and forty-four seconds since the creation of
universe - something important is about to happen at the DCBFH2®.
* * *
Jet Wolf was bored. And as many people can attest, a bored Jet Wolf
is not a Good Thing. Because a bored Jet Wolf generally has ways of thinking
of something to do which usually involved diabolical plans for attacking
other factions. Not that today would be any different.
Wheels turned in the Wolf's mind for quite some time before she
grinned (wolfishly at that) and slammed down her can of Diet Coke. "X! Dork
Boy! Get in here! I have... a Cunning Plan."
* * *
Meanwhile, at the Amichanians Secret Base...
"Sumimasen... Demo... You wanted to see us Hydrus-san?" NeoAmi asked
politely.
"Just what is this about?" Ryu inquired.
"I have a mission for you," Hydrus said, turning his chair to face the
two. "Take a look at this."
Ryu caught the note that was tossed to him and read it out loud.
"Hydrus - greetings from Cape-Mike. I was asked to inform you that the
Makochanian Leader has declared your faction to be composed entirely of
weenies and will shortly be sending a token of his affection - namely a
low-yield tactical nuclear missile. Have a nice day.
-the Nameless Makochanian Secretary"
"Ano.. this looks a lot like your handwriting Hydrus-san," NeoAmi said,
reading the note over Ryu's shoulder.
"Eh-heh..."
* * *
At that same moment, deep within the Bastion of Neutrality...
"I'm bored," Neo Sailor Khyron complained. "Really bored."
Unfortunately, no one listened to her complaint. "Hey Andrew!"
"Hmm?" Andrew's head snapped up with the surprise of one who's Author
has not been heard from in many moons and is being controlled by another
Author. "What was that?"
"I said I'm bored. What ever happened to Jonathan?"
Andrew shrugged. "Beats me."
There was a very long and uncomfortable silence.
"I'm bored."
* * *
Two girls in Sailor fukus hiding in a bunch of bushes at night. That
last
statement pretty much describes the scene right now rather effectively,
saving the author from having to go to proper lengths to describe the scene
and saving a (very infinitesimal) amount of space on her hard drive.
"There they are," Lightwind whispered. "The Green Tents!"
"Did you bring the lighter fluid?" Ice Blade whispered back.
"Ummmmm..."
"Don't tell me your forgot it!"
"I didn't forget! I just couldn't get any! Do you know how hard it is
to carry a can of lighter fluid when you're dead?"
"Excuse me," a third person said, tapping Sailor Ice Blade's shoulder
and causing her to jump in surprise.
"Don't do that!" the blonde hissed. "Who the hell are you anyway?"
"My name's Iris," the strange girl replied. "I have a horrifically
tragic past. Wanna hear about it?"
"No."
"Oh. Okay. Well can I help you then?
"No. Now get lost."
"Fine!" Iris said before hmmph!ing and stalking off.
"Now what are we going to do without any lighter fluid?"
"Well we still have our lighters," Sailor Lightwind reminded her.
"Come on!"
The two fuku-clad girls tip-toed from their hiding place to the back
of the nearest tent.... and tripped over Ryu and NeoAmi - who were
struggling to light a match in the dark.
"Hey!" Ice Blade exclaimed hotly, forgetting to whisper. "What do you
think you're doing?"
Ryu piku'd audibly. "What does it look like?"
"You can't set the tents on fire!" Lightwind whined. "We were gonna
do it!"
"Ano... we were here first," NeoAmi said.
"Were not!" Rooks said from behind them. "We were here first! So we
should get to burn 'em down!"
"But..." Neo Sailor Khyron interjected, leaping into the middle of
the crowd. "Since we're the best faction I say us Neutralians should burn
them down."
"Ahem," a certain Wolf said, brandishing her Fire Soul Buster rather
threateningly. "I'd really hate to toast you all along with the tents, but
*I* will be the one doing the burning here."
"Let meeee!" Cape-Mike howled, appearing out of nowhere.
The others facefaulted collectively.
"Excuse me, Mike-san," Abacus - who had arrived just seconds ago with
a large contingent of the OSDF - said. Well at least Cape-Mike assumed it
was Abacus. He couldn't really see the speaker because of the by now very
large crowd of people wanting to inflict property damage on the Tents. "But
as a Makochanian shouldn't you be protecting the tents?"
There was a long pause during which Cape-Mike considered this. "Aw
CRAP!" he yelled before running off.
There was another collective facefault before the assembled crowd
broke out into senseless fighting. Chaos reigned supreme, and occasionally
a casual observer would have been able to make out shouts along the lines
of "you idiot! I'm on your side!" or "get your elbow out of my eye, Anna
Dammit!" or of course "BREAK STUFF!". All in all it was pretty much an
average brawl. That is if brawls in which half of the participants use
weapons like Very Large Keys, Glaives, and gym socks filled with crab salad
could be considered average.
"STOP THIS NOW!" someone suddenly shouted. And miraculously, people
*did* stop. In mid-strangle even in some cases, and turned to look at a
little girl who's teddy bear had just been trampled to death by the brawl.
"You big jerks! You're all too late, they already packed up the tents and
left!" This being said, the little girl then kicked the nearest person in
the shins and ran away.
There was yet another very long pause as everyone paused to consider
this. Then, almost simultaneously, fully half of the warriors shrugged and
went back to trying to kill each other like uncivilized people.
Some people did however abstain from violence, two notable otaku being
SuperSteve and JetWolf. The Super One could be seen making grandiose gestures
as he went on excitedly to his companion about something.
"OK," Jet Wolf was heard to say as the camera zoomed in. "Let me get
this straight. You want to build a Diet Coke bottle *how* big?"
And off on the other side, a few faction leaders could be seen fighting
over the latest of many newbies who had shown up and professed themselves to
be lacking in a preference of Senshi.
Like I said. Not much had changed at all.
* * *
It was very quiet on the Io, which was to be expected since it was
two-o-clock in the morning. Had one chanced to walk by the quarters of one
Cape-Mike at precisely two-o-three that night... er... morning... er... at
two-oh-three, one would most likely have seen a blonde girl in a pink fuku
sneaking away from said quarters and in the direction of the nearest
turbo lift.
Now inside those quarters was Cape-Mike himself, and he was quite
asleep. (Snoring rather loudly at that) But right on cue, saving the reader
from having to suffer through more babbling on the author's part, the caped
one stirred in his chair (having fallen asleep in front of the Playstation
again) and stumbled sleepily toward the replicator for a glass of water. He
then paused and frowned, sensing that all was not right with the world.
Cape-Mike looked at the floor and was about to speculate further on
the matter when he saw his toenails, which now sported a very nauseating
shade of chibi-pink.
"No.... no!" he whispered in utter horror, his head already spinning
with the sheer terror.
His head snapped up and he happened to catch a reflection of himself
in a nearby conveniently placed reflective surface. Written across his
forehead in the same shade of pink as his toenails were the words 'I love
Chibi Usa and am not ashamed to admit it'. Even worse, an experimental swipe
told him it was *not* coming off any time soon.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
* * *
Elsewhere...
Abacus suddenly paused in mid-sentence. "Did you hear something,
Ursa-sensei?"
Sailor Ursa blinked. "What? You mean like the screaming of a soul in
mortal agony and horror?"
"Exactly. So you did hear it?"
"Nope. I didn't hear a thing. Why do you ask?"
* * *
Safely back at the Celestial Temple, Sailor Ice Blade was busy
congratulating herself on a job well done. She picked herself up off the
floor - where she had collapsed in a fit of hysterical giggling as soon
as she had arrived - and headed in the direction of her quarters.
"Note to self," SIB muttered. "Reinforce security around my quarters
tomorrow."
She shortly reached her rooms and toggled open the door, only to be
struck dumb by what she saw inside. All of her posters of Usagi, even the
larger-than-life one that adorned the ceiling, had been vandalized. Some
had mustaches, some had x's over their faces, some had messages like 'Go
Mako' scrawled across them. But all were signed 'Cape-Mike'.
* * *
"There it is again!"
"I still don't hear it Aba-chan."
"Perhaps I should get my audio circuits checked..."
* * *
"Excuse me, Mr. Waffle. But you have mail."
Chris Waffle whirled in surprise. "Huh? Mail?"
"Yes sir," the NO replied patiently, doing his best to ignore the
large jungle snake that was wrapping itself around his face. "I was told to
deliver this message of utmost importance to you or... oof!"
"Pook!" Pook! shouted happily after Pounce!ing the delivery boy and
snatching the letter from him.
"....Ms.... Pook..." the NO finished, shortly before acquiring a pair
of Umino swirly eyes.
"Let me see that Pook!"
"P'kow!" she proclaimed, clutching the letter possessively.
"Come on! Give it here!" He made a desperate lunge for the letter.
"Arr! Bit!"
"Aaa! Bad Pook!"
A brief struggle ensued from which Pook! emerged victorious. "Pook!"
she read out loud. "P'kow Pook! Pook! Pook! Pook! Arr P'kow Pook! Risqué!"
Now since not many people save the author actually understands
Pook!ish, (and even then the author's grasp is rather limited) I shall
provide a translation.
"Pook!-san - I apologize for the suddenness of this but I have
recently been informed that Cape-Mike plans to capture you and keep you as
a sort of 'pet'. Not that I doubt your ability to defend yourself, but I
felt obligated to inform you of this anyway. Sincerely, Sailor Ice Blade."
"Arr! Bit!" she yelled, shredding the note into thousands of tiny
pieces. "Arr Bit a Cape-Mike!" And with that, she ran off into the jungle.
"Pook! Wait up! BAD Pook!"
* * *
"You want me to do what?" RockManX asked.
Cape-Mike sighed and adjusted his hat - a green cap with a words 'Go
Mako' emblazoned in white across the front - self-consciously, pulling it
down farther. "I would like you to find a way to access Sailor Ice Blade's
Hammerspace."
X sighed. "Well.... Rei knows I've had stranger requests. I'll see
what I can do, okay?"
"Great! Thanks! I really... Oof!" He was rudely interrupted by the
Pook! that had been hiding behind him suddenly Pounce!ing him rather
fiercely.
"Arr! BIT!"
"Aaaaaa! Bad Pook! Get her off!"
* * *
Somewhere outside of continuity, the Author of Akaena Elfid sat fuming
to his/herself. Now before I get too much further with this chapter of our
chronicle, it should be noted that many have attempted and failed to
determine once and for all the sex of one Akaena Elfid. Therefore, since
the author is unsure of this Author's sex, she has decided to endeavor to
be politically correct and refer to him/her in gender non-specific terms.
This way, the Author of whom I speak will not be misrepresented unfairly and
my email box will be hopefully empty of nasty emails from said Author.
Now it really wasn't too hard to guess why (s)he was fuming, as least
if one was reasonably familiar with the history of the first Otaku World.
(S)he had been responsible for the unsuccessful characters of Akaena Elfid,
Iris, Emerald Blade, Merl, as well as scores of others that were all
rejected because of one reason or another. The current author could write
entire volumes on the disastrous characters that (s)he spawned and the
degradation of continuity and respect for newbies that this led to. But that
would be counterproductive to the goal of educating those in this timeline as
to what will happen in an alternate timeline.
This Author wasn't just fuming however. (S)he was revising a cunning
plan. Not a Cunning Plan, just a cunning plan. (Cunning Plans had been
trademarked long ago and were protected by an army of Nameless yet very
tenacious Reichanian lawyers.) And believe it or not, it was actually very
clever as far as cunning plans go. Modern Otaku Historians are not really
sure how (s)he managed to come up with a cunning plan so diabolical when
(s)he had never fully grasped the simple concept of creating a realistic
character with comedic character flaws and NOT burdening them with a
horrifically tragic past that everyone was expected to learn and commit to
memory. The reasoning behind the current theory of Otaku Historians is most
comparable to the theory that given an infinite amount of time, an infinite
number of monkeys with typewriters would eventually come up with a copy of
the script of Hamlet.
Unfortunately for everyone else, this is an Author we speak of. Which
means that it required only a few short keystrokes to set in motion.
"There was 4 ships that was headed for Otaku World. The ships were
full of thousands of omnipotent people who were also people with Names."
This is what (s)he typed as near as anyone has been able to translate.
True, it was composed entirely of small words, was grammatically incorrect,
and was altogether uninteresting and badly written. But it was enough.
Already the thousand ships were materializing on the edge of Otaku World's
galaxy. It would now be up to the Warriors of Otaku to deal with them. The
Author just sat back to watch.
* * *
Meanwhile, at the Diet Coke Bottle From Hell 2(r), another Key Event
was occurring at just that moment.
Jet Wolf pointed to a rather large box. "Okay, Hindu, into the box."
The Hindu looked at the box and then turned back to Jet Wolf. "And just
why, pray tell, should I do that?"
"Because I've got a box here labeled 'Artist in a Box' and seeing as how
there's not an artist inside, I'm libel to be sued for false advertising."
She pointed to the hand-drawn label on the side of the box. "That answer
your question?"
The Hindu shrugged. "Good enough for me." He opened the lid and dove
inside, pulling the lid closed behind him.
JetWolf knocked on the side of the box. "S'allright?"
"S'allright." Replied the box, moving it's lid as if speaking the words.
"S'okay?"
"S'okay."
"S'allright?"
"S'allright."
"Cool." Jet Wolf grinned to herself as she jumped on top of the box and sat
on the lid, preventing the Hindu's escape. She quickly scribbled out
another label for the box. Just as she was about to stick it on, her cel
phone rang. She pulled it out of her trench and answered it. "Uh, hello?"
"Excuse me, JW, but how long am I supposed to stay inside this box,
anyway?" asked the Hindu on the other end of the line.
"Oh, just 'til the end of this scene." she replied as she slapped a label
marked "Do not open until XMas" on the side of the box.
[cue eerie Twilight Zone-ish music as James walks onscreen wearing a black
suit]
James: "What makes this a Key Event? You ask? Simple. By an astounding
coincidence, the box that the Happy Hindu was currently occupying was not
an ordinary box. This box - pulled out of HammerSpace at random - had
actually been designed to block psychic powers, which means that this Happy
Hindu had no power to sense the impending doom of his world. A coincidence?
Maybe. But however it happened, they have just stumbled into... the Otaku
Zone."
[a rather nerdy-looking person tiptoes up to James and taps him on the
shoulder]
nerd: "Excuse me sir, you're in the wrong studio.
James: "Oh, my apologies!"
Captain Omnipotent twitched impatiently with the almost undeniable
urge to destroy something. *Discipline* he thought to himself, letting
soothing images of the whole of Otaku World in flames drift through his mind.
*It won't be too much longer.* Already his ship, the Continuity Smasher, was
descending out of orbit to make a landing on the surface of Otaku World.
"Commander Newbie, are the troops ready?"
"Aye, sir."
"What of the other ships?"
"The Merl will be delayed in their arrival as they are experiencing
minor engine trouble. But the Pride of Akaena and the Ignored Hentai will
both arrive on schedule."
"Ten seconds to touchdown, sir," ensign Annoying interrupted.
"Eeeeeeexcellent."
There was a small jolt as the ship set down, shortly before something
was picked up over the audio feeds. "YOU BASTARDS! YOU KILLED KENNY!"
"Deploy the troops," Captain Omnipotent commanded. "Tell them to
destroy anything in sight."
"All right, men!" Commander Weenie shouted to the waiting troops as a
door opened in the side of the ship. "You heard the Captain. Our number one
priority is faction bases. First three squadrons come with me. The rest of
you have already been assigned targets and should know what to do. Now move
out!"
* * *
And thus began what was perhaps one of the worst catastrophes in all
of the history of *any* Otaku War!. Being omnipotent, Akaena's minions were
of course successful in carrying out their orders. Nameless Otaku were
slaughtered senselessly - and not even comedically at that. Otaku City was
looted and burnt to the ground.
But they did not just stop with attacks against Nameless Otaku. The
Kosher Temple of Tao was firebombed into oblivion with burning Gekiganger
tape cases. The Green Tents of Mako would have been destroyed if they had
been found, but they had been moved to a new secret location and since then
even the Makochanians had not been able to find them again. Instead, one of
Akaena's minions scrawled a sign that said 'Makochanian base' and stuck it
to the window of the nearest Wal Mart - which royally pissed off Cape-Mike
since Akaena's minions destroyed the Wal Mart just as he had been about to
do so himself. The space station Arty-P was critically damaged when the Merl
collided with it on it's entry into Otaku World's atmosphere and the
Minakochanians on board just barely managed to escape. No specific base for
the OSDF had been found, so the vast army of omnipotent soldiers destroyed
a Chinese Restaurant that was Conveniently Placed nearby.
In fact, of all of the most important buildings in Otaku World, only
the two with the most sophisticated Anti-Omnipotence systems survived -
namely the Celestial Temple to the Moon and the Diet Coke Bottle From Hell
2®. And of the two, only one remained out of the enemies grasp since
Sailor Lightwind had believed the soldiers' claims that they *all* wanted
to be Usagichanians and let them in the front door. Which left only one
place where all the Otaku could escape to.... the Diet Coke Bottle From Hell
2®. Needless to say, Jet Wolf was very unhappy about all this, but
eventually resigned herself to the situation and soon took command of the
proceedings...
"Order!" Jet Wolf shouted for about the three millionth time, banging
her gavel. "Order, damn you!"
"Need some help?" Mimi inquired, appearing beside Jet Wolf's podium
out of nowhere.
"Sure. Have a crack at it."
"*Ahem* SHUT UP!" Mimi shouted with a volume only slightly less than
that of a jet plane taking off. Suddenly, only the sound of crickets (real
crickets this time, not just SJR's friend Nick) could be heard. Mimi smiled
sweetly and went back to her seat.
"All right, back to business," Jet Wolf said, shuffling a few papers
with nothing written on them and glaring at the assembled Otaku. "And no
more arguments, dammit."
"Awwwww..." someone moaned in the back. "You mean we have to get
ALONG?"
Jet Wolf glared in the general direction of the smart alec but
refrained from replying otherwise. Instead, she just nodded at SJR, who
promptly found the smart alec and bludgeoned him into unconsciousness with
her Lumber. "All right, we've established that this is the last place they
haven't managed to take over or otherwise destroy. But does anyone have any
ideas on what to do about it?"
"NUKE THEM!" Cape-Mike shouted.
"Ahem. I repeat, does anyone have any ideas on what to do about it?"
There was another very long silence in which more crickets (this time
just Nick) could be heard before someone in the very back spoke up. "Why
don't we just all attack them in a confusing but highly dramatic mass
battle scene?"
Jet Wolf sweatdropped. "Any OTHER ideas?"
Silence.
"Um. Yeah. All right then. It's a plan. Meeting adjourned." Jet Wolf
then stepped down off the podium and went back to her office for a Diet Coke
before the scene ended. "How'd I get stuck with running the meeting anyway?"
In the massive meeting hall everyone had been assembled in,
everything quickly degenerated into chaos (but not Chaos) again as necessary
preparations for battle were made. Those with starships beamed up to them
to make whatever was needed. Those with weapons to assemble did so. And
those without high-maintenance weapons got into fights and bludgeoned
opposing factions with said low-maintenance weapons.
Sailor Ice Blade however made it a point to stay out of the fighting
and instead leaned against the wall drinking a Pepsi. However, it seemed
the Fates were not going to let her avoid conflict even for a short while
as Cape-Mike suddenly appeared beside her and began patting her shoulder in
a patronizing manner. "I heard about what happened to your Temple. Tragic
really..."
Ice Blade rolled her eyes. "Yeah *right*. Like you'd ever care."
"But you know," he continued, ignoring her comment. "It probably
wouldn't have happened if you hadn't run away."
SIB stiffened. "Now listen you chicken-hearted WEAKLING! I did not
run away! And besides, at least I didn't LOSE my own faction base!"
Off to the side, SuperSteve nudged Ultrace. "Five bucks says CM kicks
her ass."
"You're on!"
"WUSS!" CM shouted.
"Cape-BOY!" SIB shouted at the exact same instant.
Ice Blade sputtered incoherently and turned a shade of red that could
only be matched by the shade the caped one was turning. "DIE!" she howled,
launching herself at him.
* * *
"Welcome to the Price Ain't Right, with you're host... Tokoz! *click*"
"Hey! I was watching that!"
"Too bad. Cuz we're watching this now."
"But I hate the news."
"Tough."
"Hello, citizens of Otaku World. I'm Ensign Nameless, reporting to
you live from the Io in what just may be Otaku World's final hour."
A graphic of Mimi's last Cast Portrait appeared on the screen. "Hey!
That bastard ran over my sister in a hot rod!" one of the assembled Otaku
shouted, pointing at Tom de la Mechanix (whose photo along with several
other had been scotch taped to the side).
"As I speak, the named ones are preparing to mount a massive offensive
on the enemy. May the goddesses be with them. This is Ensign Nameless,
signing off."
Akaena's forces watched as a small army of Named Otaku in a wide
assortment of vehicles like jeeps, sports cars, speeder bikes, trailers,
and even a Jawa Sand Crawler approached them on the Battlefield. They all
piled out of their vehicles and after a moment, Sprite stepped forward (on
to the very spot where Jet Wolf had stood when she had said the fabled
First Words, though he didn't know it).
"Bring it on," he said, speaking for all of Otaku World.
Everything erupted into chaos. He wasn't pleased and stalked off the
set, grumbling about stupid Authors who just *had* to work in puns.
At the onset, it looked pretty good for the forces of Otaku World.
Those with large Weapons like Jonathan's Regular Ass Key were managing to
render a significant number of the enemy unconscious (their armor was too
tough, even for those with Glaives). Pook! had no trouble at all with armor
since she could always Bit! exposed areas (like noses). And those with magic
were also wreaking much havoc, even given the omnipotent nature of Akaena's
minions.
But it's very important not to overlook the numbers involved here.
Akaena's army was composed of tens of thousands of men, while the Otaku
Warriors on the Battlefield numbered only around one hundred. There was no
way they could hope to defeat that many by themselves. Their only hope was
that the remaining star ships would arrive in time like the owners had
promised.
* * *
The battle in space was not going much better. They had not been
expecting an enemy ship to still be in orbit. But the Merl had detected the
arrival of several ships and had moved to intercept them. Even with the
combined might of the Millenium Falcon, the LI-BOB, the Freya, and the Io,
they still had yet to score a significant hit. The battle was beginning to
most closely resemble a little kid with a bee bee gun fighting a Borg Cube.
With his feet tied together. Blindfolded.
On the Io, the crew on the bridge was almost knocked over as they were
hit by a phaser bolt. (Of course, on a ship that big, a mere phaser bolt
would not have been able to hit with that much force. But since this is
supposed to be a highly dramatic scene and a parody of Star Trek at the same
time, a little bit of reality will have to be sacrificed.) Sailor Ice Blade
scrambled back into her seat at the helm. "That last one was the from the
LI-BOB!"
"Sorry, Cape-Boy," Jeddite said over an open channel.
"Yeah, right," CM muttered to himself. "Evasive maneuvers."
"Way ahead of you."
Suddenly, the screen showed an explosion as one of the Freya's
Overfiend Torpedos hit the Merl, the residual effects making half the
soldiers on that deck feel severely nauseated.
"Open a channel to the Millenium Falcon," Nightman said from the Freya.
"What am I, a servant?" Lunakun asked, only putting up a token protest
just to show he still was not under anyone's command.
"Nightman here. You got any ideas, Jet Wolf? I don't have many of
those left you know."
"What, suddenly it's my job to save everyone's ass? And, Anna Dammit,
stop trying to calm me down, Mimi!"
Nightman sweatdropped as the sound of cheerful giggling was heard in the
background, interspersed with yelling.
Then, Ultrace took over the com link. "Sorry about that. Chris and
Nic-chan are working on something. But it could be a while before they have
anything. We have to stall them."
"Great. I hope CM's stash of nukes wasn't used up on Wal Marts..."
Back on the Io, however, things were going considerably less than well.
While the Merl was not as fully functional as the other ships of the enemy
fleet, it's Bad Luck Generators (which were really nothing more than a lot
of rooms full of chanting old women with voodoo dolls) were still fully
functional and locked onto the Io.
So far, Cape-Mike had attempted to shift to Mako-Mode while being
fired on and wound up with a ship that looked like Mako being eaten by a
Power Ranger's Zord. A torpedo had blown up for no explainable reason just
after being fired, causing considerable damage to the hull. And what was
even worse, the torpedo had caused a hull breech in Cargo Bay one, which
let all of CM's Dr. Pepper get sucked out into space.
"Shields down to twenty percent. We can't take this much longer!"
"I say we nuke em!" CM shouted.
SIB rolled her eyes at the predictability of his response. "Not an
option, love. At this range we'd vaporize ourselves as well as everyone
else. Hardly what I'd call effective resource management."
"DOH!" the caped one replied wittily, just as something hit the ship
and knocked him out of his seat. "Perhaps today is a good day to die!"
"Shields down to ten percent. Warp is off line."
"Captain," someone said over the com system. "This is Nameless down
in Engineering. That last hit fried a lot of systems down here and we're
looking at a containment breech in five minutes."
"WHAT?!" CM and SIB chorused.
"Well eject the warp core!" someone shouted.
"We can't. At least not while the ship is in between modes."
There was a moment of deep and profound silence on the bridge. "We are
seriously screwed," Sailor Ice Blade said at last.
"Open a channel to all ships," Cape-Mike said authoritatively.
"This command thing is going to his head," she muttered to herself.
"This is Cape-Mike. That last hit we took fried our warp core,
minna-san. It's going to blow in a few minutes and I suggest you get the
hell out of here. Cape-Mike out."
"Receiving a transmission from the Millenium Falcon. It contains some
instructions."
"Really? Let me see that! .....Hmm. OK... Wow, that's genius!
Nameless, you still in Engineering?"
"No where else to go, Captain."
CM decided to ignore the sarcasm. "How much time have we got?"
"Four minutes, sir."
"I need you to lock onto the stores of nukes in Cargo Bays two and
three and transport them as close to the warp core as you can."
"Aye sir."
Ice Blade stood up from her seat. "We're at the indicated coordinates.
Lets get ourselves to the shuttlebay."
"But... how..?"
"I read over your shoulder. Now come on!" And before he could protest,
she had already grabbed his hand and teleported them both into a shuttle in
the shuttlebay.
Less than a minute later, they were already speeding away from the Io.
At least speeding as much as a shuttle could, which didn't look nearly fast
enough to get away from the massive explosion that was about to occur.
"One minute," Cape-Mike muttered. "I don't know if we'll be able to
get out of range. And since when did I ever own a shuttle this big?"
The Icy One looked sheepish. "Since last time I went to Tokoz's
warehouse. The transporters were down so I took a shuttle as well as some
paints. In fact... whoa! What the...? There's a ship dropping out of warp!
And it's..."
"The LI-BOB?!" CM exclaimed.
"No fair, you peeked!"
The OSDF ship locked a tractor beam onto their shuttle and
immediately went back to warp, towing the shuttle and it's two
dumbfounded inhabitants behind it. "Hey there, Cape-Boy," SuperSteve said
over a com link. "You didn't think we'd let you die and look better than us,
did you?"
"Yeah really," Jeddite added. "We'd never have been able to make you
look stupid then."
Just then, the Io exploded. "Shockwave approaching... I don't know if
this shuttle will be able to handle it!" Ice Blade said, slipping back into
her role as worried shuttle pilot.
"Can't you do anything?" CM snapped. "Create a magic shield or
something?"
"Oh dear... I seem to have misplaced my Imperium Silver Crystal today.
How incredibly silly of me. Do I look like Usagi to you?!?"
"Sor-RY. What about that weird magic thing of yours?"
"::sigh:: I don't think we have any choice but to teleport. I just hope
I don't miss again..."
"Again!?" CM yelped as they disappeared.
They appeared on the bridge of what must have been the LI-BOB. "Boy,
you guys cut it pretty close, huh, Cape-Boy?" Rubious said with a smirk.
"Long time no see, Alex."
* * *
Back on the planet, the Otaku Warriors were still holding their own
against Akaena's minion, a fact which annoyed captain Omnipotent to no end.
"Start using the otakunite," he ordered. "Lets see how the otaku scum deal
with that."
Meanwhile, Sailor Universe had been just about to finish off another
soldier (she had caught one of the 'unconscious' ones looking up her skirt)
when he suddenly raised a gun at her and fired.
"GAH!"
"Uchu!" eP exclaimed. "All you okay?"
"...wha? Is.. that my name?" she asked, her eyes already glazing over.
With each passing moment, she began to grow more and more nondescript. "Do...
I *have* a name?"
"Uchu! Snap out of it!" Then, el Pegaso spotted the glowing green rock
clinging to her hair. "Ick! What is that thing?" eP snatched Ursa's staff
from her and used it to knock loose the rock.
SU blinked. "Whoa. What happened?"
"Give that back, freak!" Ursa shouted, grabbing her staff back.
"Don't look now," Chibi-Youma said to the rest of the assembled Otaku.
"But I think we're surrounded."
"Oh crap," Hiryu muttered. Indeed, things were looking bad. It would
be truly difficult to think of a way in which things could be worse, since
nothing is more important to an Otaku than their Name. (Well, that's not
totally true, but it would take combinations of factors like Barney and New
Coke to achieve a worse situation that this. And even Akaena isn't that
twisted.) And then Freya arrived (with the impeccable timing typical of most
anime series).
The Freya managed to transport everyone off of the Battlefield before
any irreversible damage could be done with the otakunite. There was no place
else for the demoralized and defeated Otaku Warriors to go but the Diet Coke
Bottle From Hell 2®. As far as most everyone was concerned, things were
pretty much over.
"They blew up my ship!" Cape-Mike was sobbing almost incoherently as
Sailor Ice Blade tried to comfort him.
"So what do we do now?" Regulus asked. "There's really not anything
we can do, is there? They're going to blow us all up and there's nothing we
can do to stop them."
Leloni and Sailor Chibisnapdragon both rolled their eyes. "Thanks for
that bit of sunny cheer," Snappy muttered.
"Wrong," a newcomer known as Xavier said. "There is something we can
do."
"This was all Scarlet Sequins' fault," Jade Jacket muttered to himself.
"Sorry, boss," he said when he noticed Xavier glaring at him.
"So?" Speedie asked impatiently. "What do we do?"
"Simple. We ignore them."
* * *
"Captain, the otaku scum are up to something strange."
"Eh? What do you mean by that?"
"Well, they're all leaving the giant bottle, sir."
"Let me have a look."
Sure enough, hoards of otaku were running out of the bottle, being
chased by a firey red-head in a black trench coat. "Get OUT!! And STAY out!"
There was much grumbling among the otaku who had been forced to vacate
the bottle, but gradually they managed to straighten everything out with a
minimum of violence and get on their way.
"Send out a few soldiers to deal with them."
"Aye, sir."
It wasn't too long before one of the men sent out to deal with the
pests reported that he had encountered a large group of otaku in a hum vee.
Captain Omnipotent watched as a large bomb exploded in front of it,
engulfing them all in a massive fireball.... from which the hum vee emerged
completely unscathed. There was a loud clang as his jaw hit the floor.
"N-nothing happened sir! They completely ignored us!"
Similar encounters were being reported in by now and the Captain found
himself developing a headache. How was he supposed to get revenge on people
who refused to die? He'd never actually been ignored before and found this
to be a rather unpleasant experience.
And so, after several days of desperate attempts to blow *anything* up,
he was eventually forced to conclude that there was nothing more that he could
do and took himself and his men home.
* * *
And that is how the First Age of the second Otaku Wars! ended. Akaena
or one of his/her creations would appear periodically and attempt to destroy
things, but with their new found power to ignore him/her, nothing was ever
affected. And in the generations to come, many gags would be reused, many
shows (anime and otherwise) would be parodied. And millions of gallons of
soda would be consumed. These second Wars would last for millennia, at least
until one of Cape-Mike's direct descendants set off an experimental bomb
that buried the entire planet under Spam a half-mile thick, suffocating
everything. But even then, in a parallel universe, a third Otaku Wars!
would be born. Because as most people know by now, it is possible to destroy
a universe, but you can never end an Otaku War.
Author's note: This fanfic was the result of many, many months of hard work, but it wouldn't have been possible without Mr. Euclid's post which gave me the idea in the first place. Please don't complain if you don't appear in this. I tried as hard as I could to work everyone into this, but with over a hundred characters in the Wars, it's just NOT possible folks. Also, I am aware of the desire of Jet Wolf as well as other characters NOT to be written into OW! anymore. I *did* have permission. So I don't want to get any email about that either. -- Sailor Ice Blade