[ Y - O - K - A ]

For easier access, click on part of the story you want to go to and you'll jump directly there. Otherwise, you can just ignore the titles because I've split the story up into chapters, 5 parts for each character. Does that mean there's 20 parts? ... *grin* Himitsu desu. Maybe. ^_~

Parts: 01 / 02 / 03 / 04 ...

YOUJI

[ 2:03AM - Morning of the Storm ]

“Demo… “ I threw the blanket back over my head in a futile attempt to fall back into unconsciousness. “It’s 2 in the morning, the sky’s pitch black and there are massive storm clouds over the top of our heads. Let me sleep, dammit!”
“Youji-kun’s an insensitive old man!”
I could hear the kid through my pillow and over the downpour. I swear, heaven was crying for my sake! I sat up and faced him. “What did I ever do to you?” Perhaps the exasperation in my voice was lost in the thunder clap.
To my surprise, the youth yelped and made a dive under my sheets. I felt my blanket ripped out from my hands. “What is this? Omi’s afraid of a big bad thunder storm?” I smirked. Damn kid disturbing my beauty sleep. He’s damn cute when he’s freaked out, too.
“Omi, it’s just a storm.” A flash and crack of thunder sent vibrations on my bed with his shaking. “What the heck is wrong with you?” I tugged the blanket back and his blue eyes were constricted with fear. He scramble underneath it again, unintentionally pressing his slight frame against me. “Oi, get off!” I started wondering what we would look like, if either Ken or Aya came in to investigate the noise.
Nah, too loud a storm.
Omi squirmed on top of me when a low growl of thunder echoed through the walls, whimpering. “Papa...” It was crazy. Okay, so I took him as my beloved ex-partner every now and then, but it still freaks me out when he does it back to me. And calls me his dad!
“Look, kid! Wake up.” I tried to push him off without hurting him, but gained a mouthful of blonde hair. The scent of freshly cut peaches tickled my nostrils and I sneezed. He had latched onto my waist and wouldn’t budge. “I’m not your dad!” Why did he do this to me? Me, of all people! Because you’re both on the same floor, Einstein!
Chee, maybe if I changed rooms with one of the other two..
Next thing I knew, Omi gave a shriek and started crawling down my boxers, which was going too far for my tastes. “QUIT that!” I grabbed hold of his wrists and twisted them behind his back. Now he was pressed against me completely, still shaking slightly. I could feel his strong, pumping heart beating against his heaving chest on mine. Under different circumstances, with some girl maybe, I would have taken advantage of the situation. But this is Omi! And let alone that he wasn’t in his right mind, the boy’s only 17!
He shifted, struggling to bury himself into my bare chest. Oh, the horror. I realised. My body wasn’t listening to me! I could just feel the blood collecting, drawing heat between my legs, which was the telling precursor of a hard on. I cursed myself for only wearing silk boxers. I could almost feel the skin of his thighs brushing against my legs. No, wait, I did. My boxers were hiked up to my..
“O-Omi!”
I rolled us around so that I lay on top of him. He cried out in pain and I released his arms at once. Bright, blue eyes stared back at me, soupy and dazed. I could tell he was about to say something when the sky flashed electric blue and his scream just about matched the thunder.
“Oh, my ear..” I muttered.
He grew still beneath me. “Youji-kun?” His breathing rate was still increasing.
I moved away to put to ease his growing distress and my own. “You made me do it,” I nearly snapped at him. I didn’t want to explain, but continued anyway. “You and your fear of thunder. Woke me up and started molesting me after calling me your dad. Geez, Omi. What gives?”
I didn’t notice he had been holding his breath until he gave a huge sigh. “Gomen-“
Thunder.
“Youji-kun!” He sprung up in bed and wrung his lithe arms around my neck like some damsel in distress had met her knight in armour. I couldn’t even believe I had made such an association! Plus, I was wearing next to nothing.
This was doing wonders for my increasing state of arousal.
Add to the fact that Omi’s pretty face does resemble a girl to a large degree. “Omi, if you don’t stop this, I will fuck you.”
What did I just say?
He stiffened and drew back, gazing at me with new eyes. He blinked several times before he worked his lips open. “Y-you promise?”
My ears, my ears must be malfunctioning.
“No...” I could hardly believe what was happening. I pried his fingers off me, trying to get away from him. “No I don’t promise!” The sky flashed its eerie blue and he squeezed his eyes shut. I was locked in his embrace, trapped down on my own bed, before the sound came booming. “Look, I didn’t even mean it the way it sounded. Omi, I wasn’t thinking!” His arms travelled low, tracing the border of elastic around my waist. “Sto~p THAT!”
He wouldn’t stop. Maybe he couldn’t. Maybe he just didn’t want to stop scaring me out of my wits because he was already out of his. “Youji-kun.. please...” Was he...?
I didn’t want to know what he was asking. I didn’t want to think it. His earlier reply had told me all I needed to know. And now that I knew what he wanted, my body was burning up with every intake of breath.
Youji, he’s a boy!
Omi fell on top of me once more - due to the storm or not, I didn’t care. A moan erupted from my throat when I felt a hardness bump against mine. He looked at me with pleading eyes. His voice came out soft, somehow husky. “Youji-kun, help me” His hands moved along my sides, leaving a tingling trail of heat.
“Nani?”
“I can’t stand this storm. I can’t stand storms!” Wet tears rolled down his cheeks, falling onto my chest. Damn irrational fears... “I’m going mad!”
I stared up at him, incredulous, at the same time aroused. “Hell, yeah, it’s driving you crazy! What do you think it’s doing to me?!”
I should have kept my mouth shut. He froze, staring up at me. Light flashed through the window, highlighting the spreading blush on his face. I knew that he had felt the same stiffness as I had. I was going to die.
His cobalt eyes fixed on mine, taking on a shade of aqua blue from the reflection of my green. My heartbeat was drumming in my ears, pounding madly against my chest. A loud crash of thunder broke our gaze. “Help!” he cried, his face buried in the crook of my neck.
“How am I-?!” I gasped as I felt the weight of his hand pressed above my abdomen, unable to finish my sentence.
“I.. I don’t know!” It felt like he was blowing in my ear. “Youji-kun...” Hurried kisses rained against the soft of my neck and throat, moving upwards to my face. “I don’t want this storm. I don’t want to hear it.” I was paralysed in shock or pleasure - I didn’t know, maybe both. “Help me. Make me forget it. What you said before...” The flat of his palm massaged my belly in agonising slow circles. “If I don’t stop, Youji-kun...you’ll-”
To hell with reason, it demanded too much. I shoved him away from me, lay him on his back. A frustrated noise escaped his throat. I captured his lips hungrily to shut him up.
Oh, the softness of those lips. His mouth tasted better than any other I could remember tasting. It tasted like honey, or something just as sweet.
I broke the kiss, glared down and informed him, “I’ll fuck you.” I knew what I was doing. It was just that I felt no control over the situation. What am I doing?
Stuff it.
I straddled the boy, sliding my hands under that lace-up, brown... vest? Who could be bothered with that gaud awful thing? I pulled it over his shoulders and pitched it on the floor. The rest of our clothing followed suit.
I kissed him again, felt the tug of his teeth lightly urging my mouth open. I let him do as he pleases as my hands roamed over his supple smooth flesh. I had to remind myself, that it was normal that his chest was flat. Omi’s a boy, you fag!
But at this point, I don’t give a damn.
His body convulsed underneath me as the thunder rolled in the sky. He gasped for breath when I brushed my fingers past his nipples, dragged my digits back and forth, rubbing until he pebbled up beneath my touch. Pink strawberries. That’s what they reminded me of. I smiled, took them one by one in my mouth and suckled.
“Youji..-kun...” he called my name as his body arched up to me. He wrapped his arms around my neck, pulling me back down to him. His tongue darted into my open mouth, urgently whipping mine into his. We sparred. He sucked me tight. It felt so good I thought I would have fainted, but something else was begging my attention.
I needed it so badly, needed to shove into some warm body and fuck until it was gone. That was the feeling I had with Omi. That was the want. Then it occurred to me that I would hurt him - a lot. Omi was still underage. It wasn’t right at all!
I couldn’t do it!
I trembled; my body clearly ignored me. If I could just make myself stop...
His small hands brushed my longish hair out of my face so that I could see his beautiful blue eyes staring up at me. His angel blonde hair was almost white in the storm light. “Youji-kun,” he gasped. “Let me…“ For a moment, I didn’t know what he meant.
His hands trailed down the length of my body, stopping to grasp at my..
“Oohhh... mercy...”
His nimble fingers trapped my bulging shaft in a tight tunnel. It was sheer torture as he pumped me, slowly, working me into a frenzy. His fingers nearly clamped down into fists when the thunder hit the earth. We screamed, he for his fear and I for an awful, painful lust.
I nearly dropped down on him, but found myself moving away, sitting up on the edge of my bed. My chest was heaving. I gulped down breaths of air, trying to calm my frayed nerves. It was a wicked craving. My right hand shifted to that tattoo on my left shoulder.
‘SIN. When you gonna learn?’
Suddenly, the words held a whole new meaning to me. Then I felt his chest pressed against my back, his warm breath on my skin. “Omi...” His hands rubbed down my thighs and up to my hardness, lingering there in a horribly delightful caress.
He climbed off the bed, got on his knees in front of me on the floor. I could only watch as he took me in his hands and brought his lips to kiss the pre-cum off of my tip.
“Mm...” he licked his shiny lips, looking up at me as his fingers rubbed against my scrotum. I groaned. I want so much of him, wanted him to take me right there and then.
“Ah~ Omi...” I fell back, elbows supporting my weight in bed.
He had me in between his lips again, sucking lightly but not taking me past the head. I bit back from screaming and thrust up, felt him pull back when thunder struck. “Oh, Gaud!” Fuck the storm - fuck me!
I chaste myself for thinking. I’m not gay! But who was listening? I don’t think I was, and Omi was a bit too busy to..
“Gomen, Youji…-kun,” he sighed.
Why was he saying sorry? “Oh!” He took me inside his welcome lips. He was licking down the underside of my erection, one hand lightly pushing my thigh wider apart. I was in heaven, and paradise was the thunder outside my room.
I felt that soft, wet tongue snake along my length, stabbing at the slit. I think I whimpered; I didn’t want to scream. I opened my eyes to see his blonde head bobbing up and down, jolting me with waves of pleasure. His cheeks were red with pent-up desire, his beautiful angel’s face. The sight was visual erotica, his cherry lips wed to my rock hard cock.
Each suck, each squeeze brought me higher, closer to the edge. His fingers wrapped around the base of me. He tugged. My elbows gave out. I screamed at last as my dam burst open and my seed surged into his sweet, hungry mouth.
He milked me, drank me down until I grew limp, then removed himself, and crawling back onto the bed. I was falling asleep when thunder shook the air and I heard a muffled sob beside me.
Omi was kneeling beside me, his eyes shut tight in trepidation. His shaking hands moved to his trembling manhood, fingers wrapped around it, rubbing hard. Small, despairing gasps escaped his lips as he tried to bring himself over. “Youji-kun...” It wasn’t enough for him, and I never felt the more guilt for him then when I saw Asuka’s...
I wasn’t going there.
Omi needed me now. My body moved on its own accord. I circled his wrists, taking them away from his soreness. “Youji...” I kissed him and gently pushed him back so he lay on my bed.
“Hush,” I told him. I moved lower to his source of need, but hesitated. I was doing this because.. not because I was gay, but... but to pay him back, I tried to tell myself. I really tried. Then Omi mewled like a new-born kitten asking for its mother’s milk. I gave in.
I lapped at his male organ, sucking down my guilt.
It’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy the taste of him. It’s just that I couldn’t put over the fact that Omi had to be a boy. I knew from the start, of course, that he was. Youji Kudo always knows a female when he sees one. Therefore it is only a matter of deduction.
But now I was drunk on the love of this child, undeniably male. Though I didn’t know if love was even involved, I couldn’t get enough of him. I found myself eagerly swallowing every last drop, the thunder and his keening cries still echoing at the back of my mind.
As I removed myself my head swam with guilt. I wiped his taste off the edge of my lips. I felt so dirty - but so good that I had repaid him and now we were equal.
He was the one who rouse my lust in the first place, yet I was the one who first suggested the act. There was no one to blame; if there was, it wasn’t all his fault.
Tiredness swept over me now that everything seemed to be finished. The storm was dying outside and also here in my room. I picked up the blanket, which had long since been forgotten and kicked to the floor. I glanced at the watch lying on the table beside us. It was just over an hour since he came into my room. One hour, I thought. One hour of sin.
“Omi?” I leaned over beside him, noting the drowsiness that seeped into eyes. He responded soundlessly, just a content, little smile on his face. He lifted his arms to hug me loosely about my waist and I let him, too exhausted to object. I pulled the blanket up around us, gathering the slighter frame in my arms. He yawned and moved closer. I tucked his head under my chin. I closed my eyes.
I think I dreamt of her again.

***

“Maa... Youji! Wake up already!” It wasn’t Asuka’s voice. “Aya’s threatening to come up and kill you if you don’t get down there soon. The shop’s already open!”
“Aya can ‘get down’ just fine without extra help!”
“Nande yo!” Shit, that’s Ken’s voice!
My eyes snapped open. Ken Hidaka was staring back at me disapprovingly. “Youji, that was absolutely un-called for.” What was he doing in my room? How did he get in? Oh Gaud, how much did he see?!
I sprung up on my bed. “Omi...” My clothes were folded up on a chair. Nothing seemed out of place except.. Omi was nowhere in sight. “Where’s Omi?”
Ken looked away quickly, his cheeks reddening. “He’s .. uh.. downstairs with Aya.” I couldn’t figure out why he was acting so strangely until he added hastily, “Youji.. you’re... naked...”
Yes, I was... but I don’t usually sleep without wearing a stitch of clothing on my butt at least. The situation was becoming awkward. I grabbed my boxers and slipped them on, moving towards the closet. “I believe we’re all entitled to a certain degree of privacy, yes?” Though Omi was put in charge of our spare keys...
“Well, if someone doesn’t always sleep so late I wouldn’t invade your territory, ne?” Ken never did look intimidating to me. He was too kind, good with the children, gentle with the girls; he’s a fully qualified florist - what more can I say?
I was putting on a tight pair of jeans, fastening the belt buckle. I looked at him, flashed him a lazy smile. “Sarcasm doesn’t become you, Kenken.” He never liked that nickname. He’d said, ‘Ken Hidaka didn’t do cute.’
A random thought flitted through my head as I looked at him. That blush was quite becoming on his face. I was honestly beginning to doubt my sexuality.
Dammit, why did Omi have to do this to me? It was just one night! It was… I was... And he just left like that without leaving a single message or anything! Though the boy was probably embarrassed - more than embarrassed! If only I had a little more self control. But what’s done can’t exactly be undone.
Oh, shut up, Macbeth.
The silence stretched across the room. “Um... I’ll see you down stairs, Youji.” Ken turned to leave, and I found myself admiring the lines on the back of his pants.
“Ken.”
He looked back.
“Did... uh... Omi say anything to you this morning? He’s afraid of thunder - and you know about that storm...” Ken had known Omi far longer than the rest of us.
He tilted his head to the side and absently bit his lower lip in thought. I actually found that action rather endearing. He shook his head finally. “I don’t think so. I never knew he was afraid of thunder. I’ll ask him.”
“No.” I answered too abruptly. “I mean... there’s no use asking if the kid doesn’t want to say anything about it.”
He just looked at me. “...Alright, Youji. Ja.” He closed the door as he left.
Was Omi really afraid this morning?

***

I should really take my own advice, I thought. What can I do if Omi won’t say anything about what we did this morning? He’s not even in the shop. Relief!
“Ohayo, minna-san!” I glided in and took a bow.
Ken laughed. “Hello, Youji.” He turned and went back to spraying the hanging vines.
Aya glared up at me, his hand gripping the handle of the hose like his katana. “It’s a quarter past noon.”
I grinned. “Well then, konichiwa Aya-kun! So glad we have you keeping the time.” His eyes narrowed dangerously, but I winked back at him, internally glad that I didn’t have to face Omi yet. I tied my hair up in a pony tail and grabbed my indigo apron off the hanger. “Hey, Ken, where’s Omi?”
“Delivery to Ouka-chan’s.” I nearly winced. It’s no secret that Ouka’s interested in Omi. The boy usually tries to avoid her if he can - though he seldom succeeds. So now... he’s avoiding me. “Your lunch is on the table,” he added.
“Eat, then get to work.” Aya’s voice was low, not nearly murderous, but it did manage to slice through the air, I’m sure.
“Aw, Aya!” I turned to him with a mocking pout. “And I thought you loved me!” The girls in the shop giggled, watching his expression darken. He looked away. I smiled at the girls, all of us knowing how easy it was for me to take Aya off my case.
After I finished, Ken came up to me, handing me an empty clay pot. “Janette-chan just called. She wants something by you.” He smirked. “Anything.”
“I thought she liked Aya better.”
“She likes the both of you.” He blushed, then waved it off, turning back to his work. I took the pot from his hand, placing it on the table. Janette-chan liked... Orchids. Ran.
“Ran, Ken! What I need is Ran!” Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Aya, who had suddenly, curiously, gone rigid. “Orchids like the violet of Aya-kun’s eyes!” I sang, smiling.
Ken laughed nervously, shifting his gaze from Aya to me. “They’re by the front.” The girls followed me as I took a little detour around the shop, giving them a commentary on Aya and flowers as I picked out what was needed. Aya was blushing furiously as the girls gushed over those flowers, but since some actually decided to buy the flowers afterwards, he didn’t say anything to object. He started filling in the water bucket, turning on the hose.
“But Aya-kun’s more like a rose, ne?” My words came out louder then I intended. Aya stopped the hose, glowering at me. My smile widened. I plucked a fully opened rose from a bucket, snipped off the leaves and thorns and held it up for the girls. “See,” I began, twirling it before their eyes. “But don’t touch.” I walked up to Aya and tucked it into his red hair behind his ear, my finger hooking around one of his eartails. “Just look at these thorns.”
The girls laughed. “Youji-san, you’re so mean.” “You’re making Aya-san embarrassed!” That was the point, I think. I really want to know how far I can push him before he snaps back at me like he did with Ken. He’s never really done that to me, but then, I’ve never really punched him like Ken had the first time they met.
Aya said nothing, just gazed at me, his eyes hiding all emotion from the world. That, or it was one of those I’ll-get-you-later looks. He turned from me slowly, taking the rose out of his hair then switching the hose on with the same hand. Ken came in between us, breaking the tension with his warm smile. “Youji, if you’re after Aya’s affections now, you could start by getting up earlier in the morning, you know.” The girls giggled at me, but I wasn’t one to accept being laughed at.
“But Kenken,” My voice was exaggerated - a play on the tone of voice I use to pick up dates. “We both know it’s not Aya’s love I’m after.” I winked at him to prove my point.
“Aya-kun, you’re flooding the bucket!” All eyes fell on Omi, then Aya. The rose had slipped out of his hand, water was flowing down around it and Aya didn’t seem to notice.
Ken’s face was that of distress. “Aya!” He turned off the hose immediately, grabbing a dry cloth from the counter. Aya was still unresponsive, which was beginning to worry me.
“What’s going on?” Omi and I asked at the same time, the girls echoing us.
Ken looked up at us, a maternal expression on his face. “Probably nothing, guys; you know Aya. I’ll handle it.” He glanced at Aya worriedly, then looked back at us. “I think we’re running out of soil soon. Ah... You and Omi check the stock downstairs, ne?”
I felt Omi’s eyes on me and I looked back at him. There was a pause.
“Sure.”

OMI

I’ve dreaded this moment for the entire morning since I woke. I found myself in a room that wasn’t mine, lying on someone else’s bed. I was tucked in the arms of the one man I had pushed myself onto just hours earlier, who I so desire since we first met. I felt I wanted, needed, this chance to talk alone with him now. I needed to tell him what he meant to me, what he had done for me during that simple, lurid act in the midst of that horrifying thunder storm.
I wanted Youji to love me as much as I love him.
He had shifted on his bed, “Asuka,” escaping his lips. Her again.
And then I knew that mine was a hopeless dream.
I had eased myself out off his embrace, immediately missing the feel of his skin pressed to mine as I planted my bare feet on the cool floor. What had I done? How could I have been so impulsively rash!
I had picked up the fallen clothes off the floor, quickly dressed and folded his on the chair. I shut the door quietly behind me and hurried down the hall to my room. I found my door open and unlocked, just as I had carelessly left it when I had dashed over to Youji’s in the thunder and rain.
Still, I couldn’t sleep. I kicked my pyjamas off and showered quickly before I got dressed again. Aya was mildly surprised to see me when I came down to open the shop, but he didn’t say anything. It must have been his turn or Ken’s to open the shop.
Youji loved Asuka, I kept thinking to myself. Not me. ‘Nuff said. And I had immersed myself in work, glad for once that Ouka had given me an excuse to leave the shop and thoughts of Youji behind.
It didn’t work and I left as soon as I was done despite her offer of tea. No matter what, I knew that I owed him an explanation.
So here I am now, following Youji downstairs into the basement, supposedly sent by Ken to look for regular plant soil. Both of us were silent. I could hear my heart beating loudly against my chest. The door shut without a sound.
“Omi...” I loved the way his lips moved with each syllable of my name. Unease was evident on his features, as I’m sure they are on mine. I answered him softly, his name rolling smoothly off my tongue like liquid sugar. “Hai, Youji-kun.” There was a pause. The sound of an empty sac lifted and then dropped again to the concrete ground.
“Ken’s right. No soil. We’ll have to restock soon.”
I wanted to strangle him, tell him to quit it with the small talk. “Youji-kun!” my voice was to me strained but loudly clear. “We need to talk.”
Youji seems to shudder at the sound of those words. He must have been dreading this as much as I. He turned to face me, a serious expression on his beautiful face. “Sit down.”
There was about a half of a seat’s space left between us as we each took one end of the couch. I took a deep breath and wet my dry lips. “About this morning-“
“Why did you come to me?”
I tried to focus on the TV screen before me, but his green eyes caught mine there, sharp and watchful. It seemed to me that he was assessing my every move with the cool detachment of the private detective that I knew he used to be – now the assassin who could kill me with his eyes.
I had gone rigid, hadn’t spoken for a while. “I... I wanted Youji-kun to keep me from the storm.” My voice sounded small, insignificant.
And his was cruel, automatic, concealing his emotions. “I want the truth, Omi.”
My eyes grew large and I turned my body facing him. “Youji-kun! That is the truth!” I knew he had every right to question me, but his had stung. My breath was leaving me faster than I could take it in. “You thought... I pretended to be scared so... so I could... have sex with you?!”
He looked down, to the side. “It had crossed my mind.”
I felt a trail of wetness running down my face. I closed my eyes. “All I wanted was someone to protect me, keep the thunder at bay. I lost my memory and every time I try I remember the thunder booming in my head!” I wiped my face and sniffed back my tears. “Why can’t I remember anything? It hurts so much! And you don’t believe me!”
Arms wrapped carefully around my body, tugging me lightly towards warm comfort. I cried, but he told me, “I believe you.” I couldn’t stop the flow of tears.
“I believe you,” he repeated, rubbing the back of my neck like a cat to a kitten. But he uttered softly, “I just don’t believe myself...” He was staring off in deep thought when I looked up at his face. I found myself admiring the way his dirty blond hair cascaded down the sides of his face like a dark honey waterfall. He was so gorgeous, without meaning to, I reached out and brushed his hair back.
“What don’t you believe?” I asked him.
Startled eyes focused on me. He shook his head, dismissing the question. Instead, he asked me, “Back then, you honestly wanted me to fuck you?”
I felt the surface of my skin flush hot. My jaw fell slack and my breath caught in my throat. “Ha... hai, Youji-kun...”
He remained silent. “I can’t deny that I’m attracted to you,” I went on. “I think... I think I’m in love you!” I heard a sharp intake of breath. “But it just seems like such a bad idea to tell you since you’re still really in love with... with Asuka-san but now I can’t deny it any longer because of what I did with you and I still want to tell you that what we did felt wonderful and I wish we could do it again, but I know what we probably can’t because - “
I shut up immediately when his finger met my lips. “I get the picture.” I realised that I was babbling, and that his arm was still wound loosely round my waist.
“What about you?” I asked, not daring to be hopeful because he turned away then, resting his freehand at his side.
We sat in silence, letting my words just hang in the air.
He faced me now. “I liked it.”
“Honto?” Did he really say that, or was I hearing things? At the same time, I felt released slightly from part of my worries. At least he doesn’t hate me for it.
“Aah.” Maybe, I thought. Just maybe...
He brushed his hand through my hair, ruffling it affectionately. “But I don’t think I can promise you anything, Omi. You’re still a kid and you know my policy with minors.” His smile was infectious, lightening up the mood instantly.
“I’m almost eighteen!”
“Yeah, but you can easily pass off as thirteen...” He smirked.
“Youji-kun!” My cheeks flamed with embarrassment. “You’re so mean!”
His laugher died down slowly, but then he was totally serious when he asked me, “You want to... be with me?”
I could hear the loud thumping of my heart. So loud I thought it was about to explode. “I want to.”
“And if it doesn’t work out?” He frowned to himself. “What if I suddenly decide that I can’t stand it and that I don’t want to be with you anymore? Then what would you do?”
I bit my lip. I knew perfectly well what would happen then. Youji would despise me and want nothing to do with me. We wouldn’t even be friends afterwards, let alone good co-workers, and I couldn’t stand the thought of that. Part of this was the reason was why I kept my feelings about him to myself before; loosing him, even as a friend was something to hard for me to bear.
“I don’t know, Youji-kun. I’m just glad that you don’t hate me now.”
“Why would I-?” He stopped himself in mid-sentence with a sigh. “Okay, I’ll admit it’s not something I’ve ever thought about - having any sort of relationship with a guy, I mean - but now that I know you’re not... just after my body,” he paused, blushing, “I guess it doesn’t seem so bad.”
I just stared at him, not knowing whether I should be happy or not.
“Understand though that if I actually do decide to get involved with you, and then you find out somehow that it was just a crush, I wouldn’t know how to handle that.”
It finally sank in that Youji was actually considering starting a relationship with me. “But you said yourself that... I’m a boy...”
He smiled slightly, the look of guilt crossing his features. “You made me aware of that... possibility in me.” So he was just as confused with his own preferences as I was.
This time, I felt that it was my turn to try to comfort him. I hugged him around his shoulders and neck. “Aishiteru,” I said. It didn’t matter as much any more whether he loved me back.
Youji turned, looked at me and I pressed his lips to his. What started as a small, chaste kiss, slowly turned into something more.
It was just this moment that Ken’s figure appeared at the foot of the stairs.
“Yo, guys! What’s taking so...?” Ken’s voice was slowly dwindling into nothingness. “…long,” he finished off rather dejectedly. His eyes, remarkable orbs, shifted before my eyes from verdant green to death blue, which meant he was shocked, almost angry. Almost.
I gasped into Youji’s mouth and felt him stiffen against me. He pushed me away from him abruptly, standing up. “F-fuck, Ken! Don’t you ever knock?”
Ken’s gaze slowly shifted from me to him. “I did knock.” He paused to breath, closed his eyes for a moment, and began again. “Aya said ‘if the two of you keep... fooling around’...” He stopped, and we blushed horribly at Aya’s rather accurate choice of words. “You know.” He was staring hard at Youji’s shoes in silence for a whole minute like it was the most interesting thing in the world, then, finally, he looked up briefly at us and turned. “Mm... come up when you’re ready.”
As he reached the door Youji went after him. “Ken, chotto matte kudasai!” There was a desperate tone in his voice that hurt somehow inside me, yet I felt nothing.
Ken didn’t turn, didn’t look around. “Hm?”
Youji looked so utterly hopeless. He didn’t want me, I thought. “Don’t... tell anyone. Please.” No, he was ashamed of being caught kissing with me. I knew he didn’t want me. I knew.
Ken looked over his shoulder at us, his eyes truly pained... and was it guilt? He left without answering any of our questions.
Youji looked down and bit his lip, obviously upset with what had happened. My heart was breaking. “I guess... we shouldn’t be together. Ne, Youji-kun?” He looked back questioningly as I stood up. “I mean,” I went on, walking up the stairs. “You don’t want people to think that Youji-kun’s getting it on with a... little boy, do you?” Not that we really had anything going on.
Ken stood with his back to the basement door, taking a phone order. The girls gathered around Aya now as he washed the windows, probably as curious as I was about why he had overfilled the bucket just a while ago. Judging from the scene it was probably a safe bet that the brunette hadn’t told Aya what he had seen.
I put on the smile I didn’t feel like smiling and tried to avoid Youji’s eyes as I worked, mostly just chatting with the girls. When I looked, he was leaning on the table next to Ken, with an agitated expression on his face. He waited until Ken put down the phone then told him about the soil, suggesting that they should go pick it up together. I knew why Youji was asking Ken; he was going to explain that there’s nothing between him and I. Yet I couldn’t help feeling a surge of jealousy as I watched them, couldn’t shake the feeling that if Youji actually was interested in a guy it would be Ken. But Ken was a reliable guy, everybody’s friend - even Aya’s, and that was a mean feat in itself.
It wasn’t even clear to us where his preferences lie either.
He had been close with this soccer player before: Kase Ko-ichiro. From what Ken gave away, they used to be best friends - Aya suspected something more. But that Kase’s long dead now. His dead had taken such a toll on Ken; he blames himself for Kase’s death. Ken also had a girlfriend before who asked him to leave Japan with her, but he decided to stay with us in the end.
I remember it was Youji who had talked him out of leaving.
They walked out of the shop and Ken stopped beside Aya, telling him in a quiet voice where he and Youji were going. I watched Aya’s face darken visibly, but the redhead didn’t reply. Ken stood next to him a while longer, an uneasy expression on his face.
He slowly turned and went round to Youji’s car. The blonde whispered something to the brunette as he got in, something that I couldn’t hear that made Ken blush. “Youji!” His eyes widened in complete surprise. “Baka! Of course not!”
Youji snickered and Ken, cheeks still flushed with embarrassment, turned away and strapped his seat belt on.
I tried to tell myself that my doubts and fears were unfounded. I thought I had done the right thing when I walked away from Youji. After all, he didn’t love me. When Ken came in he just pushed me away. What we did this morning didn’t matter to him.
Youji made it clear to me though that he was willing now to re-examine his sexuality.
I didn’t want to think about it too much; it would only hurt me. But I didn’t want to forget what happened between us. When I tried to ignore something before, I forgot my life.
As they drove off I noticed that Aya had also stopped to watch them go.

***

They had left at about ten to two. They hadn’t returned until after Aya and I closed the shop. It had been nearly eight hours!
Where had they been?
I couldn’t bring myself to look at the two of them now, wasn’t even sure if I want to know what had happened between them. It seemed to me that Youji had done more then explain our relationship - or lack of one - to Ken. They came back each with a sack in hand. They were laughing at first, then when they saw me Youji stopped talking suddenly and Ken, still grinning, looked from me to Youji and back. “Ne, Youji. Let me have those,” he offered, eyeing me as he spoke. Youji muttered a thank you and allowed him to take the load off his arms “I’ll be downstairs if anyone needs me.” He smirked, giving Youji a knowing glance.
I felt sick, like I had been betrayed.
Had Youji somehow persuaded Ken into starting a relationship? So fast?
I had only look back on Youji’s track record to know that it was highly possible. Youji could charm the clothes of a woman’s back in, say, less than an hour, let alone eight - provided he was given the time and isolation, which he probably had with Ken. And I would gladly do the same so for him if only he would... He wouldn’t!
There had never been a Youji and I nor will there ever be! And how could I even compare to Ken? Youji liked m... more mature people. And Ken... well...
I didn’t want Ken to leave us alone; I wanted the truth. I wanted to know if Ken... if Youji... I didn’t know. I didn’t want to know! Despite myself, for myself, I called after him. “Ken-kun!”
I was never as confrontational as Youji - or any of them - and they often teased me for my shy reserve. Yet when Youji had suggested that he and I had... sex... I wanted it so much... I...
Ken looked over his shoulder at me, his eyes a pleasant, soothing green. “Nana?”
I couldn’t word out what I wanted to say. Instead, I told him, “ Aya-kun’s downstairs, too,” and that smile on his lips faltered.
“Oh.” He stared at the door now like he didn’t want to go through it. “Okay...” he said slowly. Seeing that his hands were full Youji opened the door for him. Ken uttered a thanks and walked in.
Youji closed the door again, sighing. He looked straight at me, his eyes troubled and anxious, upsetting what was left of my composure. “Omi, is there anything you want to ask me?”
Yes, I wanted to ask if he could read my mind.
Could he see how much I was hurting? “Youji-kun,” I looked away. “What took you two so long?”
“We had a few things to talk about.” He rubbed his neck nonchalantly. “I wanted to know what his feelings were about starting a relationship with a guy.” My eyes widened and I caught myself thinking that I no longer wanted to hear the rest. “Turns out that Ken doesn’t mind at all... In fact, he’s quite open with these matters. He told me he’s bisexual,” Youji paused, then continued more rapidly. “He’s not the least bit shy about it either. It’s just that we never ask him before so he never mentioned it – except Aya... Once...”
Youji was actually smiling as he spoke. My heart was breaking all over again.
“I... see.”
“He took me to this sort of halfway club afterwards. He thought it might help me figure out if I’m gay or bi or... straight,” he blushed. “I guess we lost track of time.”
“You must have had a great time, Youji-kun.”
He caught my eyes suddenly, a sensuous, serious smile on his face. “Hai, Omi. I had a wonderful time there.”
I tried to smile. “I’m glad,” I replied, and I meant what I said. If Youji decided to be with Ken, I was sure there would be a lighter weight on his conscience. If given the chance, who wouldn’t choose a considerate, reliable young man as a lover over a... a confused, lovesick, teenage, minor?
Lover? What was I even thinking?
“And Omi...” There was more that he was saying, but whatever it was came to an abrupt halt as the basement door swung open, slamming loudly into the wall.
“Ah!” I screamed, reflexively jumping away from the boom.
“Aya! Please!” Ken ran up the stairs after the redhead. “It’s not what you think!”
Youji and I watched in speechless awe at the spectacle before us. Ken’s frustration was evident but ignored and Aya, who was trudging up the stairs, coldly refused to acknowledge him. “I don’t want excuses, Ken. Leave me alone.”
“No!” Ken clutched Aya’s shoulder, heaving him around to face him on the stairs. “You’re not giving me a chance to explain and now you’re pissed off at me for nothing!”
A hot violet glare met him eye to eye. “My feelings mean nothing?”
A defeated look flitted across Ken’s face. “You know that’s not what I mean.”
“I don’t know what you mean anymore.” He pulled away and turned.
“You guys!” A loud silence hung in the air. Youji crossed his arms and stared hard at the bickering duo. “What just happened down there?”
Aya refused to face us, but made no move to leave. Ken looked down, then back at us with a pained expression. “It’s a misunderstanding,” he said quietly.
“I understand perfectly,” came the redhead’s cold rebuke.
“Aya,” Youji sighed. “Give Ken a chance. The guy’s just trying to tell you something.” I silently agreed with Youji. He was probably about to tell me the same thing Ken was telling Aya before. That Youji and Ken are together.
Is that it? Is that what he was going to tell me before? That he couldn’t be with me because he liked Ken more then m...?
I began to tremble, thankful now that there were no eyes on me.
Everything seemed to fall in place now. When I came back from Ouka’s I saw Youji... wink at Ken. And Aya... was absolutely distraught, absolutely out of it. Then, when Ken and Youji were going outside, Ken seemed so reluctant to talk to Aya. More so when he came back!
Could it all have been coincidence?
“I don’t want to hear it,” Aya’s soft voice echoed my thoughts. But what surprised me was the emotion in them, the hurt. “Ken, how could you?” I could almost relate.
“It’s not what you think,” the brunette repeated indignantly. “I’m not...” He rubbed his temples, closing his eyes tightly. “...going stable... with... anyone! I’m not with Youji, Aya, whoever! I’m not!” He stared at those two as he spoke, looking lastly at me. “I have no one.”
What?
“Kittens,” he addressed us affectionately but wearily. “I wish I could say more, but...” Ken stepped past Aya and paused momentarily at the first floor looking down, his eyes begging. “You don’t need me breaking promises and I don’t need more guilt on my conscience... Gomen.” He disappeared, went straight to his room no doubt, before any of us could answer.
I think it would be safe to say that all of us were stunned into silence.
Youji looked to Aya. “Ken’s... not your...?” He couldn’t finish.
And I couldn’t believe my ears.
“Youji-kun,” I cut in. “I thought you liked Ken-kun!”
“Kenken?” He stared at me, confused. “Of course I like him. But, Omi, I wanna to be with you!”
How many times today have I been rendered speechless?
Aya turned away too quickly, like a bow about to spring loose. He bowed his head. As he walked up the stairs, he muttered bewilderedly, “A mistake. It was a mist...”
“Aya!” Youji called up to him. The young man froze in mid step, then put down his foot. “Um... Ken had mentioned you were okay with... two guys being together, so you won’t mind if Omi and I...”
“...You have my blessing.”
Youji blinked, probably feeling slightly awkward. He glanced at me, smiling.
A rush of heat flushed my skin; I knew I was blushing. “Aya-kun,” I gasped. “Arigato!”
He didn’t answer. “Ne, Aya,” Youji said more seriously. “Whatever it is between you and Ken, sort it out, ne? It’s no good to let open wounds fester.”
Aya stayed silent, nodded slightly, started walking up again after a while.
The moment a door close, Youji came before me and threw his arms around my waist. “Youji-kun?” I looked up to see him gazing down, his smile warm, dirty blonde hair loose curls round his face, his green eyes sparkling with raw charm and mischief.
“Now... How should you be punished for calling me an old man again?”
“Youji-kun!”

KEN

[ 7:46AM - Morning of the Storm ]

"Just the two of us." Kase chuckled.
I felt my cheeks flush with embarrassment and I suddenly became thankful for the shower room wall that separated us. "Sorry about that. I didn’t realise it was so late. I didn’t mean to make you stay with me like this."
"No harm done," he casually replied. "I like spending time with you. Besides, coach hardly ever lets me practice on the field anyway."
"Kase.." I didn’t really know what to say after that. Truth is, Kase was never a very good soccer player. He had a lean build, the type more suited for a dancer than for a soccer player, but then Kase seldom danced. In fact, in all these years growing up with him, I’ve never even once seen him with a girlfriend to dance with! "If you want to, I’ll ask coach if we can do this more often."
"You don’t have to waste your time with me." He turned the shower off.
"No, I insist! ... That is... if you don’t have other things to do after practice."
"I’ll make time for the star player." I heard the curtain pull and his feet slapping on wet tile. I could almost see that smile on his lips.
"I’m not the star player. Koji’s way better at soccer than I am. He’s good in any position. Plus, I’m just the goalie!"
"You’re better than him." There was a bitterness in his voice, muffled by a towel.
"You heard what he said before practice..." Koji was a great player, and I admired his skill. True, he had a bit of an ego problem, which Kase absolutely detested, but he also had a good eye for spotting a player’s strengths and weaknesses, and that was an invaluable asset to the team.
"Pretty boy isn’t making it work for him", Kase mimicked Koji’s earlier statement in a high pitched voice. “I remember that much and you know I don’t like it.” I smiled despite myself. They teased me a lot, and I had gotten used to that nick name for years now so it didn’t matter anymore - not a lot. And what Koji had said was true; I had noticed the same flaw during practice with him...
"Stop worrying about what that asshole says," Kase continued. "He’s probably just jealous you’re more popular with the girls then he is. He’s trying to come on to you."
I laughed. "How’d you work that out?!"
"Hm..." I could just imagine that goofy grin. "He wants pretty boy to be bad at soccer so he can teach him."
"Kase! That imagination of yours! You can’t possibly think that’s true." I switched off the tap and wrapped my towel around my waist before I stepped out.
Kase was right in front of me with a small towel wrapped loosely around his waist. He looked me up and down with a wry smile then finally, "Could be true."
"Eh?" I stood there for a moment as he turned and began drying his hair with another towel, walking back to his bag. "What’s that supposed to mean?"
He looked back at me over his shoulder, his grin even wider than before. "Maybe Koji wants pretty boy. What else did he call you? A boy magnet." He winked playfully then turned away. I didn’t know what to say, just looked at his back with incredulity. He grabbed a small towel off the bench and turned around with a wry smile on his face.
"You know that you’re prettier than a boy should be, don’t you?" He stepped closer to me. "The girls just love you on the field and off." He flung the towel over my wet head of hair, proceeding to dry it for me.
"Kase! It tickles!" I grabbed for his hands and caught his wrists. He stopped. I pulled the towel off so that it rested on my shoulders. I couldn’t see before; we were standing so close.
I looked up at Kase, at his still brown eyes. "Some of the boys feel the same way," he said quietly.
"Maa... don’t laugh at me." I tilted my head to the side, attempting to dry off the water from it. Kase hadn’t moved.
"Ken-kun’s a bishounen,” he softly whispered.
"Kase..." His awkward silences, his strange words: they got to me.
He brushed his thumb over my lips and whispered, "You are pretty."
Could it be? What he had been saying all this time... "Kase?" I looked up as he faded white.

***

Why do I still dream of him now that he’s long gone?
Why do I always dream of Kase, if anyone could really tell me?
I remember it so clearly. He had kissed me then, back there in the boy’s shower room when we were all alone, half-naked, wet. Was there more? I remember, yes.
My alarm clock rested on the window ledge, liquid crystal reading fifteen to eight. I was already up in bed, just sitting there in boxers and t-shirt staring out of the window. It had been raining heavily this morning, one hell of a thunderstorm. The streets outside were painted like a mural of blues and greys. The pavement was still empty. There was nothing for now; the shop opens at ten in the morning. I couldn’t fall asleep again. Gods, I miss him...
Kase used to be afraid of thunderstorms.
Or he pretended that he was perhaps. I don’t know.
I used to think that we were both in love, but now he’s waiting until the time comes when I can follow him into hell - where Kase had promised to meet me.
He was my best friend yet he hated me. He was my lover, who cheated me.
I just hate it when I’m alone! There’s so much time to think about myself, about my dirty past, about what I most regret and wish I could make right again. There were good times, too. Now, I take it where I find it.
I was driven out of my brooding by a noise outside my door. It was too early to be anyone else. I opened the door to investigate and sure enough it was the redhead, whose apartment was right next to mine. Aya was always a stunning sight. He wore white, slim-fitted jeans that showed off his legs and a black, long-sleeved turtleneck with a small, red scarf tied around his neck. I noted the dripping umbrella and his gloomy face. “Ne, Aya. Went to the hospital again?”
He glared at me like I wasn’t supposed to know, then, slowly, his expression softened. He nodded. Aya has a habit of going to the hospital every now and then, especially after a rainy day. There were no problems with his personal health, but it was that he missed his sister, who had been a victim of a car crash two years ago and was still in a coma. In the beginning, Aya didn’t talk to us much. Youji had once said to him, ‘What should we call you then - Aya-chan?’ And the redhead actually said yes. In other words, he had decided to live on in the name of his sister – the Nuriko complex, as it were.
His real name – we respect him too much to use it – is ‘Ran’, meaning Orchid for those brilliant purple eyes.
Those eyes turned away from me and he opened his door. I remembered something as I watched him. The boy still doesn’t know how to take care of himself. “Have you had breakfast yet?”
He didn’t answered, but his stomach gave a growl. Yes. He blushed.
I laughed. “Let me get dressed first. I’ll come down with you.”
I closed the door as he did, pulled on a loose-fitting pair of khakis and a green tank top. He was already waiting outside. “Come on, I’m starved!” He walked beside me, ever silent as a shadow.
The light was on when we entered the shop. The blonde boy was seated at the table in the centre of the room with his back towards us, yellow apron over casual shorts and t-shirt. “Ohayo, Omi! Why are you doing down here so early? It’s Saturday.”
He smiled back at us, though the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Ohayo, Ken-kun, Aya-kun. I just couldn’t sleep.” He had been working on his laptop, but he shut it quickly, standing up. “I made sushi.” He gestured to the plate on the counter.
“Thanks, Omi,” I replied. “Ne... Is everything alright?”
“Daijoubu, Ken-kun!” Omi glanced at Aya brief l, and back at me. There was a sly, lopsided smile on his face. “It’s alright, thank you. I’ll just retreat to my room ‘til we open shop.” He carried his laptop under his arm and went upstairs. “Have fun you two!”
Have fun eating sushi? “I wonder what he meant by...” I turned to Aya, who was already having breakfast, staring off into space.
“He’s going to sleep in today.” He absently stated.
“Ne? Who?” I picked up a sandwich.
Aya seemed to blush ever so slightly. He murmured the name softly, a deep longing not so well hidden in his voice. “Youji.”
I never quite understood what Aya really felt for Youji.
“Aah.” Do you call it a…crush?

***

I was sent up to bring our renowned playboy downstairs by noon. The highlights of my brief visit was the sight of Youji springing out of bed buck naked asking for Omi first thing in the morning. I dismissed that, thinking that he just wanted to know where the youngest boy was since he knew where Aya and I were. Oh, but if Aya was in my shoes then!
Of course, Youji had this habit of picking on Aya as though he was picking him up - or apart - and that theory was proven yet again when he finally came downstairs. It was rare that Youji did it but when it happened, the older man would claim that teasing Aya was a natural reflex. Sometimes I would agree - that Youji secretly had a death wish of sorts. Although, quite thankfully, the redhead would never really take him up for it.
Sometimes, I felt it was up to me to stop Youji before he went too far, hurting Aya without knowing. Today, I seemed to have made things worse. The way he said that ‘we both know’ it wasn’t Aya’s love he was after sounded like he was after me, like I knew it all along, which, of course, I didn’t. Baka! He even forgot that Aya’s real name was Ran!
Now, I have a relatively stunned and, I would presume, upset, Aya on my hands because of Youji’s careless words. Even so, it wasn’t Youji’s fault...
I sighed, looking at the redhead. “Ne, Aya. Aya!” One good thing about his using his sister’s name, it always did provoke some reaction out of the guy.
“Ken?” He looked like a lost kitten. Abyssinian, we called him. One in the abyss.
“Aah, I’m here.” He realised that he was kneeling in a small pool of water, and a dejected look crossed his face. “Look, Youji was just being a tease,” I whispered so the girls wouldn’t hear. They hovered over us, for once just quiet. “It doesn’t mean anything to him.”
Open mouth, insert foot.
We wiped the floor dry then excused ourselves from the customers, left them with Momou, our sweet, old landlady and flower shop employer. I led him up to his room and it was the second time today that I watched a man put his pants on in front of me. I averted my eyes hoping that it wasn’t going to become a thing of habit - unless I had anything to do with it.
None of us every struck me as a typical straight guy, not even Youji. He acted like he was straight, sometimes over emphasising his point even. I knew for a fact that Aya was quite set on Youji to begin with and Omi was quite constantly courted by both male and female admirers, which he always turned down ever so politely. For me, I’m not over Kase, nor do I think I ever will be. As much as I hate to admit it, Yuriko was a diversion. She was a beautiful, active girl so passionate about life. I used her to keep myself from thinking about Kase and Youji could at least tell I wasn’t really in love with her.
I liked her; she reminded me too much of my old self.
Aya came to face me, his expression stoic save for vulnerability in his eyes. “You know who he’s... after.”
I shook my head. “Iie, I don’t.”
“But he said-“
“Youji was teasing.” Aya stared at me for a long time, not saying anything. It was as though he didn’t trust me anymore and that was a feeling I didn’t like. “Aya, trust me. I don’t even know if there’s anyone he’s after at all!”
Violet eyes looked away for a moment. “He knows that I... “
I held him round his shoulders, smiled as his eyes met mine. “I never told Youji what you told me. I never told anyone. I promised.”
The redhead sighed heavily, closing his eyes as he leaned forward, arms wrapping around my waist. He rested his head against my shoulder and we stood there for what seemed like an eternity. None of us said a word because there was an unspoken, mutual agreement between us. Aya needed to be held and I missed that warmth another man had once given me, welcomed what little comfort I could find from someone who needed me.
Finally, he pulled his arms away and walked to the door. He turned to me as he opened it.
“Arigato, Ken.”
No. Thank you, Aya.
We made our way down again and that was when I noticed that the other two were still no where to be seen. It was clear, according to Momou and the girls, that Youji and Omi had not returned since we’d left. Aya muttered something about Youji’s fooling round rubbing off on Omi so I offered to retrieve them. There was no reply when I knocked so I opened the door and walked downstairs.
Nothing would have prepared me for the sight that lay beyond the stretch of stairs onto the couch where the two of them where wrapped in each other’s arms, locked in a kiss.
No relief washed over me when I reached the shop again. I wasn’t even given the time to think about what I had seen or the promise that I couldn’t make when the phone rang. I picked up the receiver and jotted down the large order for an up-coming celebration ceremony of sorts.
I put down the phone and nearly jumped as I came face to face with Youji. “You’re right.” He said monotonously. “We’ve run out of soil. Can you show me again where to pick it up?” I could tell it wasn’t even a question, not from the way he was looking at me with those solemn green eyes. They reminded me of the time when he asked me about Yuriko. Gravely serious, he reminded me of my duties, our hopeless situation and my standing with her. I could never abandon them, throw away everything I knew and had just to fulfil the dreams of a girl I couldn’t love.
Youji just probably wanted to make sure I’d keep my mouth shut about him and Omi. I looked to Aya, who merely glanced at me coldly and continued to scrub the window pane. How did it look to him when I had just explained that there was nothing between Youji and I now that Youji was asking me to leave the shop with him for a one man job?
In a softer voice, Youji insisted, “Ken, I need you to come with me.”
I looked back at him, hesitantly nodded and sighed. “I’ll come.”
Aya cast his eyes away as I bent next to him. “We’ll just be a while, Aya. You know how Youji forgets the location so much.” The window shook at the impact of the redhead’s heavy treatment. Please don’t be angry with me, I thought.
Yet he was.
There was nothing to be upset about! I turned back to Youji’s car and sat down next to the driver’s seat. The blonde smiled sceptically, eyeing Aya and then at me past the top of his deep green sunglasses. “What have I done now - made your boyfriend jealous?”
“Baka! Of course not!” Aya was definitely not my boy friend! But he was most likely jealous now, that’s true. If only Youji knew how close he’s hit the mark! “I’m not like you, Youji. Aya and I - we stay friends, thank you very much!”
He started down the street with a sour expression on his face. “I’m not gay.”
I blinked. Okay, so I had just our womaniser Youji making passes at Aya, then playfully at me, and seen Omi and Youji kissing. He was telling me he wasn’t homosexual. “You’re... bisexual.”
The car came to a screeching halt.
Youji stared at me, mouth agape. “I’m... I-Ken!” Behind us, car horns where blowing and people where shouting obscenities at us to get a move on.
“Youji,” I cautioned. He drove on, frowning. We didn’t say anything until we finally reached our destination - without my direction. Guiltily, I thought of Aya waiting at back at the shop. And Omi.
My mind blanked at the thought of a relationship between the two: Youji and Omi; Casanova and the innocent, beguiled youth. Good Lord.
Youji had remained tense for the rest of the trip. We had loaded the bags of soil into the back of his car, were ready to return to the shop. Finally, I turned to him as he got into the driver’s seat again. “You wanted to talk about... you and Omi.”
The blonde gasped and turned his head to me quickly, shutting the door behind him with loud thump. “You won’t tell anyone.” I gaped at him; I knew I was frowning. “Onegai, Ken.” He looked so helplessly afraid, like I was going to push him away or something.
“Youji, look,” I began. “There’s really nothing wrong with being attracted to a guy. I mean, if you’re going to be difficult about it, I’ll have you know that I’m bi.”
Youji managed to work his mouth open. “Bisexual?” he blurted out. “You?”
Was I reading him wrong? “Oh, don’t tell me you have a problem with that now.”
”No!” He looked away then back quickly. “I just never thought... You of all people! I’m sorry... I- I’m just surprised... You never said anything about this before!”
I gave him a pouty, sidelong stare as I settled back into the seat beside him. He started to sweat and I finally broke into a smile. “Really, Youji, it’s not like I’d lie if anyone ever asks. Besides, if I was interested in one of you guys, you’d definitely know.” I saw the four of us in the back of my mind all secretly in love with men or each other at least, too scared to say anything about it. I laughed and rested my elbow on the dashboard, facing him. “Have you even decided yet?” He blinked, adorably confused. “If you’re gay... straight or bi?”
The look that crossed Youji’s face was priceless.
He grew a flustered pink and muttered something unintelligible, looking away to hide the spreading blush on his cheeks. “Youji?” I leant closer.
The blonde shuffled in his seat uneasily. “I don’t know.” He turned and I suddenly found his nose less than an inch away from mine. He cried and promptly pulled back. Youji reminded me of a trapped animal - or a modest girl to her lusting suitor. Oh, boy.
I moved back, giving him a baleful glare. “Don’t even think I’m interested in you. This is for Omi sake.” And for Aya’s, I silently added.
He smiled back weakly, letting me know how relieved he was. Then, he began to explain what had happened today from the morning’s storm to the basement’s kiss, how Omi’s actions had suddenly uprooted his utter foundations and forced him to re-evaluate his sexuality all over again. I just gaped at him when he finished, astonished. “Omi did all that?” So much for the innocent, beguiled youth.
“Just don’t tell.” He gripped the steering wheel tight. “Not Aya, not Manx. Anyone.” Manx was one of the few women who were immune to his charm... but Aya...
“Aah,” I quickly nodded, feeling another pang of guilt at the mention of Aya’s name. Did he have a chance at all? “What are your feelings towards Omi then?”
He laughed nervously, reaching instinctively for his cigarettes. “This isn’t exactly the place to sit down and have a talk, you know.”
“I know this bar we can go to. How about that?”
He let me drive and we arrived at four. Looking out as I parked the car, Youji gave a timid cough. “Ken, is this what I think it is?”
”You wanted a place to talk.” I moved out of the car again and opened the door for him; he didn’t look like he wanted to come out. I laughed. “What do you think this is?”
“It’s a gay bar, isn’t it?” I swear, our oh-so-manly Youji was close to tears.
“Maa... Tell me how else you’re gonna be sure about your feelings for Omi - or men?”
With much effort, I dragged Youji inside and sat him down in the booth the farthest from the television set. There was a soccer match on and as much as I wanted to watch, I was determined not to let the game distract me from helping Youji sort his feelings out.
“D’you know how much you sound like Asuka sometimes? Maa... Youji, it’s time to get up now. Youji, you’re gonna be late.” It was a flat out attempt to draw me off topic.
I grinned. “I’m surprised you don’t hug me in the morning then!”
He blushed again. “No,” he moaned. “That I do to Omi.”
“Ken!” We looked up at the approaching waiter and I gasped. Oh my god, Koji!
Why the heck was a star J-leaguer working as a waiter in a gay bar? “Sempai!” I stood up and threw my arms around him. I haven’t seen anyone from my old team for so long – don’t think of Kase... “Sempai, what are you doing here?”
“Long story, but Ken! I should be asking you!” He replied, tears starting to gather at the edge of his eyes. “You disappeared! Kase, that liar. He said you killed yourself...”
Ouch.
“Obviously not.” I tried to change the subject. “Sempai, what happened to you?”
“Quit the titles already! Or I should call you pretty boy again.” He winked. “I had some leg injury after your business. All over the news, didn’t you see?”
I shook my head. “My business cost me some time in comatose.”
“...You weren’t really on drugs, were you?” He brushed a hand over my cheek. “I couldn’t possibly believe-“
“Koji! No chit chat with the customers!” He quickly excused himself before I could answer no, saying he would be back when his shift was over. He asked if I could wait for him and ‘we’ll talk’. I sighed and turned back to the table, finally remembering Youji.
He ogled at me and gulped. “Pretty boy?” I briefly explained about my relations with Koji, how he was not like Kase. Then, Youji pointed out that he bore resemblance to our redhead friend, Aya. “Take a few years off Mr. Moody,” that’s his nickname for Aya, “add a smile, black hair and green eyes...”
“That would be Koji!” I laughed. I had to agree. Koji was taller than me, probably shorter than Aya, with a stronger looking build and a smile. Then there were the eartails...
He came over again and flipped out his notepad, scribbled his number on it. ‘Call me some time,’ it read. Grinning, he poised his pen in his hands again. “What will it be, gentlemen?”
By the time his shift was over - and we still couldn’t get through to the flower shop - Koji came back to us. “So,” he said, turning to Youji. “Is Ken your first lover?”
I tried to keep a straight face, explaining that Youji was still feeling out his sexuality. Koji grinned knowingly. “There's no sin in loving a pretty boy.”

AYA

[ 10:15AM - After Aya finds out the Truth]

In my rush upstairs, I had forgotten to remove my apron. I untied it and let it fall to the ground. I toed off my shoes. I fell onto the covers and buried my face into the pillow. I pretended to lose myself in the darkness, like my comatose sister, blissfully unaware of what was happening around me.
I envy her sometimes, eyes closed from the world and all its troubles.
Painless sleep.
Perhaps she dreamt sometimes. Perhaps she just couldn’t respond. I’d like to think she can hear me when I speak to her, but I’d rather hope to think that she cannot.
What would you think if you knew your parents are murdered? That your brother became a part time florist, and assassin just to pay off your hospital bills, hoping someday to seek revenge on those who’ve wronged you? And all this, while you’re trapped inside your body in coma, unable to speak or move.
I turned over in bed and sat up. I was surprised to see the dark spots in the pillow. Was I crying? Yes, I was. I needed a shower. I needed to wash my face and clear my thoughts. I needed...
Look at that face in the mirror! Who is that? Who is that boy crying in there?
Who am I?
Brother. Assassin. Killer. Cold-blooded Murderer.
Who am I to ask for love?
I should have known better. I should have known better than to allow myself to be pledged my heart to anyone. To him.
Egotistical, over-emotional, smoking ladies' man.
I stepped out of my clothes, into the shower. Cold water. Hot. Luke warm.
Even now, I don’t know how I let my feelings take hold on him. I’d like to know just how he managed to slip past my defences so that he now means something to me. He hardly had to try. Ken tried. Ken tried to be understanding, to be my friend.
And I pushed him away.
Scent-less shampoo, the kind with the sweet, nameless smell, like death.
Ken had always been a friend. He accepted me before he found out that I had feelings for Youji and he accepted me after. Ken taught me that it wasn’t unnatural to feel for a close comrade, disclosing to me that he had felt that way to a best friend of his, too.
Yet Kase was a sinner; he was a target. Ken was forced to kill his old lover, which was why he had said ‘I have no one’ when I had so coldly misjudged him.
The water blasted the foam out of my hair. It mingled with my tears and washed everything down the drain, like what I did to our friendship.
Youji wasn’t any of these to me, wasn’t anything Kase was to Ken: best friend, lover, and target. He was someone who we all worked closely with. He was someone I admired for his inner strength and that charmer’s smile. He looked after me. He looked after us. He cared... like a... a brother...
A brother!
I turned off the tap and reached for a towel. I dried myself off, tried to do the same with my hair but it didn’t help too much. The tears were gone. The boy in the mirror, he stared at me, his eyes wide in amazement.
How could he not realise?
He thought Youji was so obviously heterosexual, didn’t he? He thought he was! He had always been content just to be with Youji, just to... be there.
Youji was in love with... with...
“Omi...” said the boy in the mirror, so thin and painfully pale...
It was so easy to pretend sometimes, to detach yourself from your feelings. It was your reflection who was hurting, that face in the mirror.
“...Ran,” I said. I gazed at him, placed my hand over the mirror. Our fingers touched on the cool, flat surface. “Be strong for Aya-chan. Don’t cry.”
He gazed back at me, frowning slightly, but he didn’t cry. Satisfied, I turned away. He turned with me. We shut off the light. We walked out of the bathroom and I was alone again.
Then I remembered I had left something in the basement. I dressed quickly, pulling on the first pair of pants and a shirt from the drawer, black and violet respectively. With my hair still wet, my shirt untucked, I grabbed my apron and slipped downstairs again.
I don’t know why I had to do it, but I did. I kept the rose that Youji had so carelessly placed in my hair, the one he had carefully removed of thorns and leaves and left behind. I kept it with me the whole day until Ken came back and we had our argument. It was left it in the basement, lonely and forgotten.
There was no one downstairs. Perhaps everyone had now gone to sleep, or something. I prefer not to dwell on it.
I sat down on the couch and stared at the rose lying untouched on the table, still a little wet from the accident this morning. Was that what I was to Youji? A rose? Pretty to look at but dangerous up close. How fitting. Or no.
I remembered how he caressed that slender long stem in his fingers and brought those crimson red petals to his lips; I felt his touch on my skin, on my body, and his fingers weaving though the red that was my hair. I closed my eyes and leaned back on the couch, feeling cool droplets of water trickling down my neck and my chest. I felt warm kisses following the wet trail, heating up my skin. I gasped.
Youji smiled when I opened my eyes. He was stripping me of my thorns, my defences. He was always doing that. I felt his hands running along my sides. He bent and kissed my nipples, lightly pinched them, then harder. I moaned out loud, but he covered my mouth with his. He rubbed his hands in slow circles on my stomach. I writhed beneath him. I heard his laugher in my ears. ‘Do you want me, Ran? Do you really?’
“Youji... Yes...”
But he was teasing me, always teasing. It didn’t mean anything to him, just like Ken said. Oh god! He was touching me, down there. Right there! Right where I wanted him to. Harder. Please. Please! Yes!
He stood up and left me open, thirsting for more. ‘Baka...’
I opened my eyes. I was back in the basement. There was a light. I was staring up at it. I was on the floor, my head cushioned against the couch. My pants were unbuttoned. The zipper was undone. My hands... wrapped around that sticky base, erect.
Lovesick.
I stared at the ceiling, blinking back the tears before they fell. Breathing in deeply, I cursed myself for loosing control. Life was cruel to me, yet I deserve every bit of it.
People who take the lives of others, can’t expect their life to love them.
I shivered, zipped up. I made sure there was no one upstairs before going into the shop. I set down the naked rose as I washed my hands again.
Good bye, you horrible goo.
In the darkness, I thought back about what I had said to them as I walked up the stairs. I thought back to what I had heard from Youji’s lips before I turned away. What ever it was with Ken, ‘sort it out, ne?’ That’s what he said. Oh, I want to. But not like this. Not when I still have the pungent smell of sex on my own two hands. Why the heck won’t it wash off? Just like blood.
Just like that something else that I still haven’t fixed.
I looked down at the bulge of my pants. Out damn spot. Why won’t you go away?
I sighed inwardly and trudged up the stairs.
On the first floor, I heard them in Youji’s room, the two of them talking quietly, sometimes laughing out loud. I recognised Omi’s higher, clearer tone, with Youji’s low, husky voice. At least they’re happy.
I passed on by, intending to get rid of my growing erection as soon as possible before even thinking of talking to Ken. How many times had Ken been betrayed by those he trusted?
More than enough. He trusted me...
He was standing outside my room, apparently deciding whether or not to knock.
Before I knew, his name left my lips. He turned quickly and blinked when he saw me standing in the corridor.
“A-Aya!” He took a step back from the door. “I was just...” He blushed, his eyes running over my wet hair and open shirt. “I wanted to apologise for what happened.”
Despite my immediate need to resolve something else, I held my ground. “What are you apologising for?” I stared at him, noting his anxious appearance, how he was clenching up the fabric of his khaki pants with his fist. I should be the one to say sorry, I thought angrily. I had misjudged him and refused to listen. It was my fault, not Ken’s!
“Gomen, Aya.” I moved past him to open the door and he stepped aside. “I did such a horrible job of explaining things earlier and I feel bad about it. I know it’s selfish of me, but I just want you to listen. After that... I’ll leave you alone... We’re still friends, ne?”
I stared at him, nodded. I swallowed hard. I needed to jerk off. “Come in.”
As he closed the door, I made a beeline for the bathroom, intending to lock myself inside until I could find release. Before I even reached the door, I felt his arms wrap around my waist and up to my shoulders. I felt the warm length of his body pressed against my back. Mm... It felt good. It wasn’t supposed to.
“Aya... please. I’m sorry.” He laid his head against the back of my neck and whispered. “Just talk with me?” I wanted to. After. But I let him inside so he wouldn’t have to stand outside, wait and worry, as was his wont – not so he could arouse me further...
Bad idea, wasn’t it?
“Ken...” I removed his hands, turned to him but kept a distance. “Stop it.”
The concern on his face was obvious and endearing. “Stop what?” His hands dropped to his side, fists tensing and relaxing like they were missing something to do.
Stop touching me? Stop talking to me? Provoking me? I wanted to say all of those things, but what I said was the one I meant the most. “Stop saying you’re sorry.” I crossed my hands over my chest, held myself rigidly to suspend, hopefully lessen, a rising, undirected lust. “You haven’t done anything to be sorry for. I was the one jumping to conclusions.”
He wet his lips and looked away from my face. His brow furrowed slightly. I followed his gaze to my hand. The one still holding the rose. He knew that it meant something to me. He knew what I felt for Youji. His blue eyes flickered on mine. “Oh, Aya... Gomen-“
He slapped his hands over his mouth but the apology already escaped. He grew pink and I found myself thinking how beautiful that blush would be when he was underneath me, soft brown hair cushioned by a fluffy pillow. I attribute all this to my damn erection.
I shook my head once to clear my thoughts and dropped the rose on top of the drawer. It was no good to be in his company when aroused. “I’m...” he cut himself off before he repeated himself and smiled weakly, sweetly. “Baka, ne?” He laughed at himself.
“It’s alright,” I responded, letting him know that I still considered him a friend.
He smiled momentarily at that. “It’s just that. I promised, you know... not to tell anyone, especially Youji that... you... like him. Then Youji...” He sighed.
“Sit down,” I told him, gesturing to the bed.
He rested on the edge of the bed and I sat down beside him, waiting for him to continue. “Youji made me promise not to tell. He and Omi...” he glanced at me then looked aside. “They apparently just started...” He leaned his elbows on his knees, both hands cupping his chin. He stared at the rose. I knew he was worried for me.
I also knew that processing this bit of information only led to my growing affection for him. But I always liked Ken - save for the beginning when we didn’t know each other and fought. We got off to a bad start, but he had proved to be a loyal friend. I was the one who always distanced myself from other people. Recently though, it wasn’t working.
Ken was just... so... good! He could never hide his own feelings well. He was like an open book. He was someone I could never be, too good to be true! It was this easy to turn envy into jealousy that made me had completely disregarded his feelings, insulted – even abused – his loyalty. I was that idiotically selfish! I was no better than Kase!
Pity, I thought, that we both liked different people. Could I ever make it up to him?
... And then there was my erection, which now called for immediate attention.
“Aya?”
I turned to him once more, hoping my face didn’t give anything away. But he wasn’t looking at me. He was facing me, but his mouth was slack and his gaze was focused was somewhat below my waist...
I looked down.
Yep, he knew. He knew what my problem was...
I stood up and walked into the washroom as calmly as I could. “Excuse me,” I said, glancing back. I was right; he was blushing, politely looking away. “I’ll... I’ll be quick,” I blurted out. I wanted to shut the door before he could see the flush of red on my cheeks.
“Aya...” He was on his feet. His hand was around my wrist. “What... Who... made this...?” He didn’t know how to go on with what he was saying. I didn’t want to go on.
I glared back at him, shamefaced. “Let go.” My voice was harsh. I tried to make it sound final. We stared at each other in torturous silence until he finally looked away. “Oh, of all the times I chose to see you... I’m sorr- I mean... I... Ay...” He was about to let go when, suddenly, his hand tightened. With renewed conviction, he spoke again. “Let me make it up to you.”
Oh, Aya-chan... “Make what up to me?” I jerked my hand away. ”You don’t owe me anything! If nothing else, I’m the one who’s wronged you!” I wanted to run, but I couldn’t move from the spot. It was becoming harder to think. What was he saying?
Ken gazed at me contemplatively. “I made you think so?”
No. “I think so.”
“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“I just am,” I thought out loud, my body tense with apprehension.
He took my hands, his movements deliberately slow. He held my wrists rather loosely, letting me to know that I could remove them if and when I chose. He kissed me politely on the cheek and smiled as he repeated, “Let me make it up to you.”
He took my silence as agreement and I was lulled to my bed with the feeling of his hands and almost green eyes on mine. In some dreamlike state, I couldn’t take my eyes off of his eyes for fear that I would faint - or worse, wake up!
Green eyes...
Youji had beautiful green eyes. I shuddered to think that Ken and Youji had any similarities in appearance. Weren’t Ken’s blue? Why was this happening now, all of this?
“Why?” I asked as he eased me down. “Do you pity me?”
He stroked my cheek and the warmth lingered there. “Aya,” he spoke my name affectionately. “It’s not like that.” He looked down shyly – or slyly, depending on one’s interpretation . A mischievous smile appeared. “This is for you,” he looked me in the eye impishly, “and the immediate gratification of you self and being – if you’d allow it,” he added.
A rush of feelings swept through me. I must have been blushing so bad. But we’re friends, I reminded myself. Our feelings for each other were never more than colleagues at most. Ken has never shown any physical interest in me – other than that time we first met and used each other as punching bags. That was different. But now... No turning back.
He straddled me, resting on my thighs. The fabric of his pants rubbed me through my jeans as he crawled forward. He looked down at me, the light in his eyes gentle and soothing. He brushed the hair from my face, then kissed a trail from my cheek to my chin to my ear.
“Just stop me if you want to,” he whispered softly, erotic vibrations shook me. It should have been ‘stop me, if you can’. I saw him as a lion over potential mate or prey. I trembled at the feeling of hot fingers rubbing down my chest in slow circles. His hands slid the fabric of my shirt apart. “Sh...” he was saying. “Just relax and try to enjoy yourself. He pinched my nipple suddenly and I arched up, gasping. Everything he did was centring in one area of my body. He bent his head down and took my nipple his mouth.
“Ken!” I stifled a moan before it made its way out from my throat, severely conscious of myself. I pushed his head down. Hot. White hot. So hot.
Despite my effort, a whimper loosed from my lips.
He glanced up. “You’ve been so reserved, Aya, ” he whispered. He looked down now, his fringe shielding his eyes from me as he moved lower, hands carefully unzipping my pants. “It’s been so long...” As he pulled, I kicked my pants off in haste.
I bit back a cry when he put his lips on the sensitive skin. I lost whatever thoughts that were forming about his words in my head as he engulfed me without further warning. I no longer felt his hands, just soft lips sucking, and a wet tongue licking, stroking.
I knew it would be quick, but that did nothing to cool my blood. It was Ken so close to me, someone so intimately close. Oh, God, no. Oh... Oh, yes!
To think that Youji’s room was under mine.
That Omi’s room was empty of use. What use would a room be for them? There was a strangled sigh. Pump harder. “Harder.” A bit more. That’s it. Yes! There. There!
“Ah...n...!” If they heard me now!
I clutched his hair in my fists when I came, bucking in the sheets. I could hear them echo on my walls, my cries. I never came so strongly in my life, never even came in another person’s mouth before. I...
It was my first time... It was Ken.
My body fell limply onto the mattress. I looked down, dazed, only to find him taking his time licking me up. He sat up after a while and moved to my side, wiping a glaze off his lips. He leaned forward and kissed me deep, letting me taste my own seed.
The first time feeling someone else’s tongue in my mouth...

***

In the morning, I found my blanket wrapped over me, a warm body by my side. I looked at the sleeping face of my colleague, my brother, friend and first lover... The blanket separated the two of us. I lay speechless under it for some time.
Partly, I was glad he was still here, glad that he hadn’t just left. The panic I would have felt if I had woken up alone, half-naked in my bed, if I hadn’t seen him the morning after I gave him my virginity through the act of oral sex. I would have felt mortified, betrayed. I would probably have settled on the conclusion that I gave my first time to someone who...
Felt sorry for me? Felt he owed something to me? Felt nothing?
That means I gave my first time to someone who didn’t do it because he loved me.
What more could I expect? Even Youji... though now I know that he would never...
Ken shifted and gave a sigh, brow creased when he reached over for a pillow and found a handful of my shoulder.
“Ng?” He opened his eyes slowly and blinked, a slow blush colouring his cheeks. “Ohayo,” he finally said. I looked at him, not really knowing what to say. There was one question I had in mind and only one way to find the answer.
“Ken...” My voice had grown a little coarse from its use last night. I knew my words came out desperate. “Do you love me?” But who was I to ask for it?
He moved to support himself on one elbow, biting his bottom lip. He looked down for a second then glanced back at me. His silence mocked me, grating at my nerves.
“I’m sorry, Aya...”
That was all I needed to know.
I steeled myself, sat up and clutched the blanket close, wrapping it around myself like a shield as I made my way past him towards the bathroom.
“I didn’t think so,” I muttered. I should have known. No need to let him know that it was the first time I had ever received a blow job. It was... just sex after all... We had a good time, as people say. And it had been nice – even better if we could do it again sometime, I thought bitterly. But that didn’t mean I could just shift my feelings for Youji to Ken. I don’t think he had meant for it to happen that way either.
“Aya!” I looked back hesitantly, almost doubting my previous thought. I noticed for the first time in the morning that he was still dressed and the knowledge of it hurt. It made me painfully aware that I was the one with nothing on but a shirt and blanket. I was the passive receiver who did nothing for him. Good for nothing, but killing. Who am I to deserve even Ken’s friendship? Who?
“I... I don’t know if I love you, but I know I like you,” he told me. “You mean a lot to me.” Didn’t he know how much those words stung me, how they utterly disarmed me? There was no way I could possibly be mad at him now or blame him for what he did because cared! He cared for me as he had always done! How could I forget that?
But do people give their friends head? Not having much of these – friends or sexual encounters – I really didn’t know.
“Thank you,” I said softly. I meant it with all my heart. I walked inside the bathroom and quietly shut the door.
There was a deep protectiveness that he rung in me, some kind of loyal bond. But what was I protecting him from? Me? I, who threw my smile away two long years ago, wanted to laugh. The idea of it that I had any great influence on Ken at all, to need to protect him from myself!
Priceless as it is genuine; we don’t love each other. We’re friends, no more.
A profound sadness settled over me, overshadowing the nagging doubts in my head. The boy in the mirror, he didn’t cry.
I found that Ken had left my room while I was taking a shower. After all, there was no reason for him to stay after he had cleared up with me where we both stand in our relationship: he, who freely offers comfort, and I, who constantly need it. Obviously, Ken didn’t need me. He loved Kase. I was no more than a pity case, though of course, he’d be too polite to even acknowledge that term in his own head.
Nonetheless, I was grateful. Grateful to know that he cared for me, that he liked me. For now, I was as content as I could be with that piece of information in mind.
As for Youji... it was obviously best to forget about him, though easier said and thought than done. However, if I could have thrown away my smile, couldn’t I do the same with the rest of my feelings?
I took my time to dress and prepared myself for the course of a new day, hoping, just hoping as I walked downstairs, that what I forsake wouldn’t come back to haunt me.

C&Cs much appreciated - that includes Ego massages thank you ^_^; Who doesn't like those? - Um, Y O K A will be the same name until I think of something ;_;

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