Ranma walks into Sheriff Armitage's office once more, brushing dust off of
his shirt.  Armitage, upon seeing him, smiles. (CUTE VOICE: I not like way
she look at future husband.) (CHEF'S NOTE: Yeah.  I don't care how strong
she is, if she lays a finger on Ranchan, I'll kill her.) (Note: Hmmmm.
*mischievious laughter* Ok, you asked for it.) (CHEF'S NOTE: Huh?)  Ranma
stretches his limbs.  "That was too easy."
	Mr. Panda nods from behind his desk and Soun holds his sake bottle as if
toasting to a special occasion.  Ranma notices that the sherrif's desk is
empty.  He scans the room and jumps when he spots Armitage fluttering her
eyelashes at him only inches to his left.
	Ranma tries to ignore Armitage and stares around the room, then finally
turns to Soun and asks, "So what am I supposed to do now?"
	Soun pulls the thick script from behind the counter and hands it to Ranma,
then goes back and sets up a shogi board at one of the tables.  Ranma flips
through the pages, confused.  "It says here I'm supposed to ask the
bartender if there are any girls for hire 'round here."
	Soun and Mr. Panda give Ranma a sour look, while Armitage shows interest.
	Ranma lowers his tone and says to himself, trying to avoid his inner
'voice of reason', "Now why would I have to hire someone? *Well you see,
Saotome....* Oh well..."  He turns to Armitage.  "If I have to hire a girl,
why don't I hire you." (CUTE VOICE: Aaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiii!!!!!  Ranma I kill!)
 Soun falls on his face in shock.
	Armitage nudges against his shoulder with a starry look in her eyes, but
slumps forward in defeat when she notices Mr. Panda pointing to his watch.
She straightens her jacket and returns to her desk.  After clearing her
throat, she declares, "I can't while I'm on duty.  But if you can wait
until my shift is over...."
	Ranma flips through the script one more time, still confused.  (CUTE
VOICE: I guess good thing husband not catch on too quick.)  "I wanna get
this stupid story over with.  I gotta find a girl to hire before the scene
ends." (GENMA'S VOICE OUT OF NOWHERE: That'a'boy, Ranma.)
	Armitage seems slightly perturbed for a second, then starts smiling once
more.  "That's Ok.  You can still catch me later when I get off." (NOTE:
Before or after?) (CUTE VOICE: What!?!) (NOTE: Sorry.  Just filling in for
Happousai.) She coyly tosses her head sideways and croons, "And you WON'T
have to hire me."
	Ranma stares around the room some more, unable to think his situation
through without resorting to his 'Voice of Reason'--which he'd rather rot
in Hell (which he might if he keeps this up).  Armitage reclines back in
her chair and points toward the adjoining inn.
	Ranma follows her finger to a table where a woman sits.  She has long,
dark hair and is wearing a denim vest over a white bustier, a pair of
'Daisy Duke' bluejean shorts, and black highheels.  Her legs are covered by
dark blue fishnet stocking.  Ranma raises his eyebrows, then facefaults
when he realizes it's Ukyou. (CUTE VOICE: Who bimbo now, Stupid Spatula Girl.)
	Ranma, still unable to think about his situation, *Saotome, I have been
trying to inform you....* walks up to Ukyou and asks, "Why're you dressed
like that, Ukyou?"
	Ukyou looks confused.  "I wish I knew."
	Ranma shrugs and takes a seat opposite her.  "Well, I guess I'm supposed
to hire you.  Hey, what does that mean anyway?"
	Ukyou shrugs.
	*Saotome!*  Ranma grits his teeth, "What is it, Kunou?!" *I have been
trying to instruct you on your current situation.* Ranma sighs, "Ok, what
is it?" **sigh* Since it appears that you are incapable of fully
comprehending the meaning of the events in the script...* Ranma narrows his
eyes. *...it would be of importance for you to understand that Kuonji-san
is dressed in that fashion for the purpose of soliciting funds from
gentlemen-and I use the term loosely-in return for effecting her feminine
services for their perverse bodily gratifications.* (OLD VOICE: Sounds like
you've done this before.) *Silence, old fool!  Whom was it that let you run
free?* (OLD VOICE: You really think I'd miss this scene?)
	Ukyou shrugs.  "So what does that make me?"  (CUTE VOICE: *giggles* Stupid
Spatula Girl.  YOU'RE A WHORE!)  Ukyou cringes back and her eyes grow
large.  "I'm a what?!"
	Ranma stares up at the ceiling and whistles to himself, trying to forget
the fanfic ever started.  (NOTE: Stick with the script.  You have to ask
her.)  Ranma thrusts his head toward the camera.  "Are you crazy!  She'll
kill me!"  (NOTE: I'm sorry.  You have to.  It's in your contract.) (CUTE
VOICE: Uh huh.  Article nineteen: Must accept all solicitations from whores
at author's request.) (OLD VOICE: I guess that means you might have a
little action with him later in the story.) (CUTE VOICE: Yea....  HEY!!!!)
	(NOTE: Go ahead.  Ask her.)  Ranma looks toward the window, ready to jump
out.  Ukyou eyes him carefully.  "Ask me what?"
	Ranma stumbles around with his words for a long while before finally
asking, "Uh... Ukyou... would you like... uh, if it's alright with you...
if we went upstairs to my room and...."
	!WHAM!  From out of nowhere, she pulls out her giant combat spatula and
slams it down on his head, knocking him unconscious to the floor.  Her brow
is furrowed and her chest is heaving.  "If you EVER ask me that again...!"
	Armitage strolls up to her with a white book under her arm; the title
reads: The Magic of Sex.  She quickly flips through the pages and holds the
book in front of Ukyou's face.
	"Huh...."  Ukyou's eyes grow wide and her mouth gapes as she looks down at
the page.  She snatches the book and starts rapidly flipping through the
pages, and each one smears an incredulous look across her face.  She
finally closes it and sets it on the table as she stares upward in disgust.
 After thinking it over for a few seconds, she rushes to Ranma's side and
starts shaking him voilently, shouting, "I'm sorry, Ranchan!  You gotta get
up!  Of course I'll go upstairs with you!  Please, Ranchan, get up!" (OLD
VOICE: May I have a peak at that book?) (UNIFIED CAST: NO!!!!)
	Armitage walks back to her desk.  "I'll let you borrow the book for a few
days.  If you need another partner up there, you know where I'll be."
	Ukyou shudders.

		

	The screen is black, but light starts blurring into existence like looking
up at a clear, noon sky from the bottom of a lake.  Ranma's voice can be
heard, groaning, "Uuunn.  Ow.  What hit me?"
	The lights and colors come together to become Ukyou's worried face.  "Oh,
Ranchan, are you alright?"
	A different camera shows Ranma and Ukyou laying under the covers of a
queen-sized bed, and they appear to be completely naked. (CUTE VOICE:
WHAT!?) Ranma has one hand on his forehead while he rubs the back of his
head with the other.  Ukyou is propped on one elbow, hovering almost
directly on top of him, staring down at him as if all of her dreams had
come true.
	Ranma groaned again, "Where am... Aaaaaaack!  Ucchan, what're you doing?!"
 Ranma jumped to the edge of the bed, almost falling off, when he realized
she was in the same bed with him.  "And where're your clothes?!"  He
glanced down at himself and screamed, "Where're my clothes?!"
	Ukyou held her end of the covers high upon her chest in mock-shyness and
put on the most pitiful face she could.  "I'm SO sorry I hit you, Ranchan.
I'll do anything to make it up."  She slowly advanced on him, hoping he
wouldn't call upon his Voice of Reason to think the situation through.  As
she expected, he was totally paralyzed.
	When Ukyou's lips are only inches from Ranma's, he tries to protest, "But
we're only sixteen.  Isn't it sorta illegal to tape this sorta thing in the
United States?"
	Ukyou smiles and closed in.  "It's the '20s, silly.  And I won't tell if
you don't."  Ranma shuts his eyes tight, preparing for the kiss.  Ukyou's
eyes widen and she gasps, "Tape?"
	"Aaaaiiii!"  Ukyou jumps back to her side of the bed and pulls the covers
close to her neck when she spies the camera mouted on one of the bedposts.
It pivots in her direction and Happousai's voice can be heard emanating
from its microphone, "Way to go, Miss Kuonji.  Now go back to what you were
doing and don't let me bother you two."  Ranma ducks further under his
covers and trades worried glances between Ukyou and the camera.
	"DIE, STUPID SPATULA GIRL!!!"  An enraged Shampoo busts through the wall
beside the front door with an old-fashioned Tommy gun in her hands.  Ranma
and Ukyou both scream and jump off opposite ends of the bed as a rain of
bullets tears through the matress.  Shampoo hisses as she sends a random
spray of bullets through the room, knocking out Happy's camera (OLD VOICE:
Foiled again.) as well as disabling the cameraman in the back of the room.
The screen goes blank.
	(CUTE VOICE: Ranma!  You sleep with Stupid Spatula Girl!  You I kill!)
	(RANMA-KUN: Hold on, Shampoo!  Can't we talk this over?)
	(CUTE VOICE: Aaaiiiiiiii!!!!) !BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA!
Simultaneously... (RANMA-KUN: Tenshin Amaguriken!)
!BA-BA-BA-BA-click-click-click-click (CUTE VOICE: Oops.  Out of ammo.)
	*sound of cover being whipped about* (CUTE VOICE: Aaaaagh!  That hurt!
*curious sound and dreamy sigh* Ooooh, Ranma.  Never realize you so well
built.)
	(CHEF'S NOTE: Yeah, I was just getting there!) !WHACK! *sound of chirping
birds* (DIZZY CUTE VOICE: Shampoo go sleep now.) *Thunk*
	(CHEF'S NOTE: Oh, Ranchan, are you alright?) (RANMA-KUN: Yeah, thanks,
Ucchan.) (*giggles* Oh, Ranchan!  You are well built! *gasp of air* Oh, my!
 I bet Akane's never got a response like that. *giggles*) (RANMA-KUN: Uh...
er... hey, who's that behind you!) (CHEF's NOTE: Where?  I don't see
anyone. *pause* Where did he go? *sniffle sniffle* Ranchan!)

		

	Ranma left the inn as quickly and as secretatively as superhumanly
possible.  After diverting Ukyou's attention--and it had always surprised
him that that old trick still worked--he ducked out a window in one of the
other rooms, not wanting to have to pass his pop or Mr. Tendo, or the
sheriff for that matter.
	He now skulks down the empty street, keeping a sharp eye open.  "So what
do I do now?"
	From out of nowhere (CHEF'S NOTE: You mean Nowhere.), Soun appears at his
side, tears in his eyes, and holds out the hefty script he saw earlier.
Ranma jumps back at the man's mysterious presence and looks around for some
hiding place he may have overlooked.
	After a few seconds, Ranma smiles and takes the bound papers.  Soun
frowns, but still looks as though he's going to cry.  "I hope you are not
planning to toss my poor, little Akane aside like an old newspaper."
	Ranma took a step back.  "Eh... er... uh...."
	"Because if you do, you will not only be dishonoring both of our families,
but you will be damaging the reputations of your father and myself more
than they already are.  And you wouldn't want that, now, would you?"
	Ranma takes another step back and shakes his head furiously.
	"Good.  As long as we have an understanding."  Suddenly, Soun's head grows
so big that it bumps into the camera.  "Because if you think for one second
that you can get off easy, Son, you've got another thing coming!"  Soun
returns to normal and walks off.
	Ranma is frozen with fear, one leg folded in front of the other and both
arms bent outward, each hand with thumb, index, and pinky extended in the
charicteristic Ranma 1/2 warding pose, the script falling sloppily to the
ground.  When a good breeze hits him a while later, he falls over like a
cardboard cutout (OLD VOICE: Which I substituted with only a second's
notice.).
	Ukyou and Armitage run to Ranma's side, also appearing from out of
Nowhere.  They help him up, Ukyou taking his right side while the sheriff
taking his left.  Ukyou looks into his glazed eyes.  "Are you alright,
Ranchan?"
	They both start brushing the dust from Ranma's clothes, with Armitage
doing a better job because the okonomiyaki hooker... (CHEF'S NOTE: HEY!)
...okonomiyaki chef takes her time dusting his pants.  "Ranchan?"
	Ranma shakes his head and snaps himself back to reality.  "Wha... where am
I?"
	Armitage looks around for more dust to brush off.  "You fainted."
	"Un?"  Ranma glances to either side and stars feeling uncomfortable.
"Uh... uh... I need to get my script."  Armitage appears in front of him
with the telltale papers, and Ranma just stutters.
	Ranma glances in both directions again and sighs, realizing that the two
girls won't back off, then starts flipping the pages.  Both girls rest
their heads dreamily on his side, but he tries to ignore them.
	Ranma's brow furrows and his mouth gapes slightly when he reaches this
point in the script.  He starts flipping pages back and forth
incredulously.  (CHEF'S NOTE: Oh!  Does this mean that Ranchan and I get
to....)  "What the hell's goin on?  The rest of the script is blank!"
Ukyou and Armitage seem only mildly interested in what he's saying.
	Ranma looks to the camera.  (NOTE: Sorry.  But after the scene with the
hooker, I sort of got tired of the movie and found something better to do.)
"So what am I supposed to do now?" (NOTE: Well... until I can come up with
anything, you're on your own.)
	The two girls slip their hands underneath Ranma's shirt, but he is too
angry to care.  He huffs, "Terrific!  I'm stuck in this stupid town with a
stupid name with a stupid author who has no idea what to do--and worst of
all, I have a stupid voice inside my head that has it in for me!  I'm going
to bed!"
	Ukyou and Armitage step back in shock and surprise, each secretly hoping
that he had one of them in mind.  Armitage smiles when Ranma picks her up
by the waist, but stands confused when he sets her down beside Ukyou and
walks off.  Ukyou stares after him until he rounds the corner, then stares
at Armitage and shrugs.
	Armitage blinks once, then snuggles into Ukyou's side and rests her head
on the chef's shoulder, smiling dreamily.  Ukyou's face contorts.

		

	It doesn't take long before Ranma finds another inn--since the sheriff and
(CUTE VOICE: That slut....) Ukyou will eventually return to the other one.
He assumes it's an inn.  He really doesn't look at the sign--and he doesn't
care to either.  He just hopes the author is still at least half-awake
enough to guide him to an inn.
	He walks inside and is greeted by a hearty "Nii hao!"  Ranma turns to see
Shampoo walk though a swinging door with a tray full of empty dishes.
She's only wearing a long Chinese shirt, like she did in her second
appearance in the manga.  When she sees him, she sets the tray down and
runs toward him with arms spread.  "Aiyaa!  Ranma come see Shampoo!"
	She wraps her arms around her beloved, but he walks exhaustedly to a table
as if she weren't there.  "Not now, Shampoo, I'm tired.  Do you have a room
I could stay in?"
	Shampoo backs up, confused.  "You go sleep now?  It middle of day."
	Ranma sits back in a chair and yawns.  "Yeah, well... I don't know why I'm
so sleepy all of the sudden."  *Listen to the sound of my voice, Cretin
Saotome.  You are getting very sleepy.  It is getting harder for you to
maintain your strength....*  "By the way, what're you doing here?"
	Shampoo waves her arm through the room like a magic wand.  "This new Neko
Hanten.  Family business still expanding."
	Ranma smiles and looks around with half-open eyes.  "Yeah, cool."
	Shampoo looks concerned.  "Just start today, so no rooms ready."  She
smiles.  "Want sleep my room tonight?"
	Ranma answers flatly, "No.  I just want to be left alone tonight."
*Cretin Saotome, you shall sleep alone tonight.  You shall always sleep
alone.  You shall never touch another woman and befoul her with your
lechery....*  "I sleep on the floor anyway."
	Shampoo looks at him sideways.  "Ok.  If you say so.  Blankets in closet."
 She digs into her breast pocket and produces a key and hands it to him.
	"Thanx."  He starts digging into his own pocket.  "What do I owe you for
the room?"
	Shampoo nudges against his shoulder.  "Is on house, on one condition."
	Ranma's lids drop another fraction of an inch.  "Sure.  Watcha need?"
	Shampoo rocked on her heels.  "Well... last fanfic, you get kiss by two
Tendo girls, Stupid Spatula Girl, and other who remain nameless.  But
Shampoo no have turn."
	"Oh, is that all."  Ranma reaches over and kisses her full on the lips
before she knows what is happening.  *Saotome!  What did I just say!*  He
then turns around and walks for the stairs, waving his hand back in his
see-you-later gesture.
	The kiss wasn't what Shampoo would call a deep kiss, but the way it was
executed left a strong tingling sensation on her lips.  _I'll have to let
him stay an extra night for this one._  She sighs heavily and passes out.
	Ranma trudges up the stairs.  *Didn't you hear me, you fool?  I said you
were not to touch another woman!*  "Oh, Kunou.  Were you sayin something to
me?"  *Were you not listening to a word I said?!"*  "No.  Was it
important?"  *Grrrrr.*
	(DR. TOFU: And so in Ranma Saotome's case, his physical need for sleep
overrides all other thinking processes except speech.)  (Nabiki:
Interesting stuff, Doc.  And all this time, I thought Ranma just didn't pay
attention.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Uh.  Er.  Eh.  I'm tired.  I'm going to bed.