SmileMusic JokesSmile


Here are just a few music jokes that I have picked up from a few places. If you have some that you would like to submit, see the bottom of page for submission details.

MUSIC JOKES

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They have a machine that does that now.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door ?
A: The knocking always speeds up.

Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room ?
A: They never know when to come in.

Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light buld?
A: 50. 1 to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that
better.

Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.

Q: How do lead trumpet players greet each other?
A: "Hi, I'm better than you."

Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."

Q: What's the difference between a moose and a blues band?
A: The moose has the horns up front and the asshole behind.

Q: How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Bono holds up the light bulb, and the universe revolves
around his ass.

Q: Why is it good that drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

Q: What's the difference between a band director lying dead in the road and a squirrel?
A: The squirrel has skid marks.

Q: What's the difference between a trombonist lying dead in the road and a squirrel lying dead in the road?
A: The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor

Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.

Q: How do you get a trumpet player and an alto saxophonist to play in tune?
A: Shoot the alto player.


What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
A violin burns faster.

Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both f**k up bowings.

What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.

What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A dressmaker tucks up frills.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.


A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and
a smoking crater where his house used to be. The cheif of poice comes over
to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house,
killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're
kidding! The conductor came to my house?"

A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor
askes the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe
loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that
seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you
crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"

One day Bob stepped into a pawn shop. He looked around but didn't see anything he liked. Bob was about to leave, when he noticed a stuffed squirel sitting atop a dusty old shelf. Bob said to the owner "Can I have that squirrel?"
The owner said "Yes, sure, on one condition: you must never bring it back."
So Bob took the stuffed rodent and started walking down the street. A few feet later he heard a noise. Bob turned around, and to his surprise, a real live squirrel was follwing him! Bob quickened his pace and walked a little farther, then turned back and ten squirrels were following him! Bob started jogging, but after a little while, he turned back and there was a whole sidewalk full of squirrels!
Now Bob was scared. He ran as fast as he could, and then he got to the ocean. There, at the water's edge, he took the stuffed squirrel and flung it as far as he could into the brine. And then the whole townfull of squirrels jumped into the ocean!
Bob went back to the pawn shop. The owner asked why he had come. "Don't you remember I told you not to bring the stuffed squirrel back?"
"Oh yes" Bob assured him. "I didn't bring it back. I was just wondering if you had a saxophone."


The composition of a string quartet:
1 good violinist
1 bad violinist
1 really bad violinist who became a violist
1 cellist who hates all violinists.

What is the difference between...

.. A french horn and a lawnmower?
You can tune a lawnmower.

.. An oboe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.

.. A saxophone and a chainsaw?
The grip.

.. An accordion and a trampoline?
You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the
trampoline.

.. A trumpet player and a government bond?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

GLOSSARY OF MUSICAL TERMS

ACCIDENTALS: Wrong notes

AUGMENTED FIFTH: A 36-ounce bottle

BROKEN CONSORT: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the
restroom.

CADENCE: When everybody hopes you're going to stop - but you don't

CADENZA: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola"

CANTUS FIRMUS: The part you get when you can only play four notes

CHANSONS DE GESTE: Dirty songs

CLAUSULA: Mrs. Santa

CROTCHET: A tritone with a bent prong - or

CROTCHET: It's like knitting but it's faster

CUT TIME: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the
ensemble.

DUCTIA: A lot of mallards

EMBOUCHRE: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn

GARGLEFINKLEIN: A tiny recorder played by gnomes.

HOCKET: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett

INTERVAL: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three
kinds:


INTONATION: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the
Middle Ages

ISORHYTHMIC MOTET: When half of the ensemble got a different xerox than the
other half

MINNESINGER: A boy soprano

MUSICA FICTA: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it
again. Also known as faking

NEUMS(Gnomes): Renaissance midgets

NEUMATIC MELISMA: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets

ORDO: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings"

PERFORMANCE PRACTISE: Sex education

ROTA: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts

TROTTO: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge

LAUDA: The difference between shawms and krummhorns

SANCTA: Clausula's husband

LASSO: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale

DI LASSO: Popular with Italian cowboys

ORGANISTRUM: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists,
cause by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper

HURDY-GURDY: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum

QUAVER: Beginning viol class

RACKETT: Capped reeds class

RITORNELLO: An opera by Verdi

SINE PROPRIETATE: Cussing in church

SUPERTONIC: Schweppes

TRANSPOSITION: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to
soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece

TROPE: A malevolent Neum

TUTTI: A lot of sackbuts

STOPS: Something Bach did not have on his organ

AGNUS DEI: A famous female church composer

METRONOME: A dwarf who lives in the city
OR
METRONOME: A short person who rides the bus.

ALLEGRO: Leg fertilizer

RECITATIVE: A disease that Monteverdi had

ORCHESTRAL SUITES: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras

If you have some jokes that you would like to submit, please, mail them to us at band_nerds@hotmail.com, and put "Jokes" in the subject.


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