A teacher poses a question to her class. "Okay class, if
there are three birds on a wire and a hunter shoots one of them
with his gun, then how many birds would be on the wire?," says
the teacher. Little Billy raises his hand. "Yes Billy," says
the teacher. "Well they would all fly away because the shot
would scare away the other two birds," answers Billy. "Well
Billy, I like your reasoning, but that is not the answer I was
looking for. The Response that I was expected was one, because
the shot only hit the one bird," replied the teacher.
"Oh, well Ms. Bovine I have one for you. There are three ladies
coming out of an ice cream parlor, one's licking the cone, one's
biting the cone, and one's sucking the cone, which of these
ladies is married?" asks Billy. "How about the one sucking the
cone?" replies the teacher. "Well Ms. Bovine, that's not the
answer I was looking for, but I like your reasoning behind it,"
responded Billy. "Well Billy, then who is?"
replied the teacher. "The lady with the wedding ring," replied Billy.
#2
A lady with no arms and no legs is lying helplessly on the
beach. A man walks by and the lady asks the man if he could
scratch her back seeing how she didn't have the arms to do it
herself. The gentlemen kindly agrees, turns her on her stomach,
sratches her back and walks away. Later that day another man
walks by and she calls out to him and asks him if he would be
kind enough to give her a hug. She tells him that no men
acknowledge her and she would appreciate it very much. The man
feeling pity, kindly agreed, and have her a hug. Later that day
another man walked by and the lady called out to him and told
him that she had never been screwed before and that she would
appreciate it if he would do so. The man told her that he would
have no problem doing so, so he picked her up and threw her into
the ocean and yelled out to her, "Now you're SCREWED!"
#3
A well dressed woman in a fancy restaurant was just getting served her dinner when she let rip a horrendous fart. Embarassed, she turned immediately to the waiter and snapped, "Waiter! Stop that this instant!" "Very well, Madam," the waiter replied with professional cool. "And in just what direction do you think your fart was headed?"
#4
An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbled instead into a podiatrist's office and weaved over to the receptionist. Without looking up she waved him over to the examination bed and said, "Stick it through that curtain." Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulled out his penis and wagged it through the crack in the curtains. "That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist. "Holy shit, lady, I never knew these places had a minimum!"
#5
A teenager was always causing problems at school and had a perpetual "F" average. In desperation his father removed him from the public school and enrolled him in a Catholic school. To the father's pleasant shock, his son brought home a straight "A" report card after the first term. "Holy Shit, son! How do you explain the improvement in your behavior?" "Well, the first day at the new school I looked up on the wall and saw some kid nailed to a cross. So, I figured this was not the place to fuck around."
#6
A middle-aged woman took a taxi home, but when they arrived at their destination, she discovered that she had no money. She lifted up her dress, dropped her panties and shouted to the cabbie, "How's about taking out what I owe you in trade?" The cabbie looked and said, "Don't you have anything smaller?"
#7
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest for invalids. The first lacks one arm, the second has only two legs, and the third one has no legs and no arms. They all line up, the whistle blows, and with a splash they're all in the pool. The first guy takes the lead instantly but the guy with no arms is closing very fast. The third one sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later the guy with no arms finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides to dive down to rescue the poor guy. He picks him up, swims back up to the surface and places him at the side of the pool, whereupon the limbless guy starts coughing and spluttering. Then he shouts: "Three fuckung years I've spent learning to swim with my ears then, two minutes before the whistle, some son-of-a-bitch puts a swimming cap on my head!"#7
A circus man had an extremely intelligent talking octopus, which, additionally, he had taught to play the drums, trumpet, and violin all at the same time. In the interests of expanding his one-animal orchestra, he threw a bagpipe into the octopus's tank one day so it could learn that instrument, too. But hours passed and no music came from the tank. "What the hell is the matter with you?" he shouted into the water at the exhausted looking octopus. "I gave you that bagpipe, why don't you play it?" "Play it? I thought I was supposed to lay it!"
A precocious ten year old girl came into her mother's bedroom and asked, "Mommy, can I have a baby?" "Why, of course not!" her mother shrieked. The girl ran out of the room smiling and her mother soon heard her yelling as she ran back outside the house, "OK, guys, we can play that game some more!"#9
The smart aleck medical student who never missed an opportunity was asked the following question by his professor: "If a patient is born without a penis, what would you do?" "I'd wait until she's 18, then I'd give her mine."#10
A Democrat politician was drinking with two doctors at a
bar. The doctors began feeling their fluids, and started to
brag. The first one said, "Boy, am I good! A couple of weeks
ago I took a hand off a corpse and put it on a guy who had just
lost his in an accident. Today, he is out looking for work."
The second doctor, not to be outdone, replied, "So? A
couple of weeks ago, I took the eyes from a donor and put them in
a blind woman. Today, she is out looking for work."
The Democrat, an expert at one-upmanship, said "Big deal!
A few months ago we took an asshole from Arkansas, put him back
in the White House, and now half the entire nation is looking for
work!"
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