A Religious Hunter A man was out hunting. He just happened to be hunting bears. As he trudged through the forest looking for the beasts, he came upon a large and steep hill. Thinking that perhaps there would be bear on the other side of the hill, he climbed up the steep incline and, just as he was pulling himself up over the last outcropping of rocks, a huge bear met him nose to nose. The bear roared fiercely. The man was so scared that he lost his balance and fell down the hill with the bear not far behind. As he tumbled down the hill, the man lost his gun. When he finally stopped at the bottom, he found that he had a broken leg. Escape was impossible and so the man, who had never been particularly religious (in fact this just happened to be a Sunday morning), prayed, "God, if you will make this bear a Christian I will be happy with whatever lot you give me for the rest of my life." The bear was no more than three feet away from the man when it stopped dead in its tracks... looked up to the heavens quizzically... and then fell to its knees and prayed in a loud voice, "O Lord, bless this food of which I am about to partake."
Arkansas After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Arky said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
A SOLDIERS STORY A SOLDIER RECIEVED A LETTER FROM HIS GIRLFRIEND, BUT HE COULDN'T SHOW IT TO HIS FRIENDS, BECAUSE SHE SIGNED IT "MOTHER'', AND THIS IS WHAT SHE WROTE: M- IS FOR THE MANY TIMES WE DID IT. O- IS FOR THE OTHER TIMES WE TRIED. T- IS FOR THE TERRIFIC TIMES WE HAVE. H- IS FOR THE HOTEL WE WENT TO. E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY WE WENT. R- IS FOR THE RYTHM WE HAD. THAT SPELLS "MOTHER" AND THATS WHAT I'M GOING TO BE IN 9 MONTHS. HE WROTE BACK AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAID: F- IS FOR THE FUCKED UP LETTER YOU SENT ME. A- IS FOR THE ASS YOU ARE. T- IS FOR THE TROUBLE YOUR IN. H- IS FOR THE HOE YOU REALLY ARE. E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY YOU GAVE IT UP. R- IS FOR THE ROMANCE WE NEVER HAD. AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M THE FATHER. AND THIS IS WHAT I THINK OF THE BABY: B- IS FOR THE BABY WITHOUT A FATHER. A- IS FOR THE ABORTION YOU BETTER GET. B- IS FOR THE BASTARD HE OR SHE WILL BE. Y- IS FOR THE "YES" WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID "NO". SHE REALIZED THAT SHE FORGOT A FEW THINGS IN THE FIRST LETTER....SO SHE WROTE THE DICKLESS FAGGOT BACK AND THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID: B- IS FOR THE BEEF YOU HAD WITH ME. E- IS FOR THE EATING YOU DID. S- IS FOR THE GOOD PUSSY YOU SUCKED. T- IS FOR THE TIMES I GOT YOU HARD. F- IS FOR THE FUNNY MADE DICK YOU HAVE. R- IS THE THE RASH ON YOUR ASS. I- IS FOR THE INTERCOURSE THAT WAS BORING. E- IS FOR THE ENERGY FOR YOU TO CUM. N- IS FOR THE NASTY ASS DOG YOU ARE. D- IS FOR THE DAD YOUR GOING TO BE. AND THAT SPELLS "BESTFRIEND" AND THATS WHO I WAS FUCKIN WHILE YOU WHERE GONE
The Young Assistant In France, the young assistant priests do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the priest and his housekeeper. One day the priest invited his new young assistant priest to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young priest noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the priest and the housekeeper. After the meal was over, the middle-aged priest assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later the housekeeper came to the priest and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner." The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father priest, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."
The Bar Story This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death. However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground. Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a real asshole when you're drunk!"
Gangsters Some Polish Gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside. The Head Gangster says "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second Safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too. Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said "Well, at least they left something for us to eat". The next day, while listening to the news they hear: "Yesterday the largest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people".
The Golf Outing... A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you- I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35." she replied. "And he still believes in genies- that's amazing."
GENIE A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their project manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a Genie. "Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you." The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears. The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears. The project manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."