An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a
pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just 
as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flys
landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. 

The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust. 

The Scotsman scooped at his beer until he washed the fly out and 
then continued drinking. 

The Irishman carefully picked the fly out of his drink, then held 
it out over the beer and started yelling "SPIT IT OUT YOU 
BASTARD! SPIT IT OUT!!!!" 

EuroEnglish

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby 
English will be the official language of the EU rather than 
German, which was the other possibility. As part of the 
negotiations, Her Majesty's govt conceded that English spelling 
had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year
phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": -- In the 
first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will 
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be 
dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and 
keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik
enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be 
replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% 
shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling 
kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes 
are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double 
letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. 
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the 
language is disgraceful, and they should go away. By the 4th
yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with 
"z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan 
be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of 
kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, 
ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand 
ech ozer. 

Fishing and Whiskey

One Saturday morning,Glen decided to go fishing. 

He sat there for hours,but nothing.The bottle whiskey that he've 
took with him,was also empty.He throw the empty bottle into 
pieces against a nearby rock. 

All of a sudden,there was something on the hook.He pulled the 
fish out of the water.The only fish for the day so far.The fish 
was so small,Glen decided to throw it back. 

The little fish was so exited,to such an extend,that it decided 
to give Glen one wish. 

He asked the little fish for some more whiskey.The fish 
said,"Allright then,when you're urinating,it will be pure 
whiskey." 

So Glen sat there,and wonder,can this really be ? Glen took a 
glass and urinate in it.It was pure,pure whiskey. 

A while later,a women,who was standing nearby,comes to him and 
asks,"sir are you allright ? I saw you drinking your own 
piss."no,said Glen,it's whiskey. 

The women laughed.He urinate into the glass,and gave it to
her.She could'nt believe it. 

So they sat there almost for the rest of the day, drinking
whiskey. 

After about the seventh double,she asks Glen for a nother one.He
looked her in the eye,throw the glass
into pieces against the rock and said "What about drinking out of
the bottle ?" 

FOOD AND HEAVEN

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had
died in a car crash.  They had been in good health the last ten 
years mainly due to her interest in health food, and
exercise.When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them 
to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen
and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the 
old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's 
free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back 
to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up 
to.  They would have golfing privileges everyday and
each week the course changed to a new one representing the great 
golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green 
fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next 
they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with 
the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the 
old man. "Don't you understand yet?  This is heaven, it is free!" 
Peter replied with some exasperation."Well, where are the low fat 
and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter
lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like 
of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get 
sick.  This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of 
anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking 
wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down,
asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and 
said, "This is all your fault.  If it weren't for your blasted 
bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!" 

4 Daughters

This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday 
night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing 
there says "Hi, I'm Freddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're 
gonna go eat spaghetti.
Is she ready?" The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and 
the two leave. 

A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A 
kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to see Kim. We're 
gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?" The guy, now perplexed, says 
yes and the two take off. 

A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father 
answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here to pick 
up Flo. We're gonna go to the show. Can she go?" The man, now 
kind of annoyed says yes and the two depart. 

Sure enough, af few minutes later the door rings and the father 
answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Chuck.."

The father shot him. 

Free Beer and a Test

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs 
over the bar:
FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! 

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. 

Bartender: "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of
pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once
AND, you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 
'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have
to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman 
up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right 
for her. 

Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You 
have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get 
crazier from there. 

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez 
zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, 
and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. 

Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the 
most frightning roaring and thumping, then silence. 

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big
scratches all over his body. 

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?" 

Three Frogs

Once upon a time three frogs who all lived in the same pond all
died at the same time. The first frog approached St. Peter at the 
gates of Froggy heaven and said, "I want in." 
St. Peter said, "What's your name?"
The first frog said "My name is Frog."
St. Peter said, "Well, Frog, what did you do with your life?"
The first frog said, "Oh, I sat around on a lily pad and blew 
bubbles all day."
St. Peter said, "I guess that's OK, you can come in."
Then the next frog approached St. Peter and said, "I want in."
St. Peter said, "And what's your name?"
The second frog said, "Frog Frog."
St. Peter said, "OK Frog Frog, what did you do with your life?"
And the second frog said, "I just sat around and blew bubbles all 
day."
St. Peter said " Ok, you can come in too"
Next, the third frog approached St. Peter and said, "I want in 
too."
St. Peter said, "Let me guess, is your name Frog Frog Frog?"

And the third frog said, "Oh no, my name is Bubbles."