The 13th Story
A Gift For Your Sweetheart
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after
careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike
the right note romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to
Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased
a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister
got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without
checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent
it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for
your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons,
but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks
and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and
she looked really smart.
"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no
doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a
chance to see you again.
"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting
them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my
love.
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little
fur showing."
The Goalie
There was a four story apartment building on fire in Ireland.
Smoke and flames were pouring from the third floor windows and on
the fourth floor a woman was holding her baby out the window. A
crowd gathered and yelled for the woman to drop the baby, they
would catch it--but she didn't trust anyone to catch her baby.
A man ran up and yelled, "I'm Alec McGuinness, the goalie for the
national football team. No one has ever scored on me. I'll catch
your baby!".
"Never?", yelled the woman.
"Never!", he replied, "Not in 10 years, and I've never missed a
match."
So she dropped the baby, but she slipped at the same time and the
baby went flying off to one side. It was 30 feet to the right of
the goalie, who stood in the classic stance until right at the
last minute, he made a terrific diving catch and saved the baby.
The crowd yelled and applauded loudly in appreciation.
He turned to the crowd, nodded in acknowledgement, bounced the
baby twice on the pavement and punted it 60 yards down the street.
The Kid's Pretty Smart
This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls
out a beer and the little boy says
"Grandpa, can I have one of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
which the little boy responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."
A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks,
"Can I have on of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
which the little boy responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."
Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food
and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa
is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000"
Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch
your asshole?"
"Yes," Says grandpa.
"Then go fuck yourself"
GROCERY
The story goes that there was this lady married to a Caucasian.
The poor lady was not very proficient in
English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The
real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher's and wanted to buy pork legs.
She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in
desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher
got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she
didn't know what to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the
butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought
her husband.
Help from a Beloved
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The
following exchange takes place....
The man says: "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." [Man gives his wife a dirty
look.]
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken
tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail
light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about
that tail light for weeks."[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing
your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your mouth woman!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband
talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
