Tell the Truth

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. 
So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes 
into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees 
a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple 
of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her 
apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and 
says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you 
got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which
 he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. 

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty 
pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" 

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, 
but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending 
machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few 
drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with 
her." 

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" 

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn 
liar!!! You went bowling again!!!" 

Learning to Swear

A 7 yr. old and his 4 yr. old brother are upstairs in their 
bedroom. The 7 yr. old is explaining that it is high tme that the 
two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds 
enthusiastically, the 7 yr.
old says, "when we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll 
say "hell" and you say "ass". The 4 yr. old happily agrees. 

As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, 
their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like 
to eat for breakfast. The 7 yr. old replies, "Aw hell Mom, I'll 
just have Cheerios,WHACK! The surprised mother reacts quickly. 
The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. 

With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the 
younger son,"And what would YOU like for breakfast"? "I don't 
know," the 4 yr. old blubbers,"but you can bet your ass it's not 
gonna be Cheerios"!!!!! 

Linguistics

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In 
English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some 
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a 
negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive 
can form a negative." 

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right." 

The Lipstick on the Mirror 

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few 
of the older girls starting to use lipstick. 
When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips 
to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it.  He 
gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them 
he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They 
gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian 
waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the 
custodian to clean the mirror every night.  He said he felt the 
ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was 
and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated.  He took a long brush on a 
handle out of a box.  He then dipped the brush in the nearest 
toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

20 Years For A Mailman

Joe the mailman has been delivering mail for over 20 yrs to the 
same neighborhood - pretty boring except for today. 

Today, Christmas eve, Joe finds Mrs Jones waiting for him at the 
door - she invites him in and offeres to cook him breakfast - 
Joe, confused, agrees and enjoys a hearty breakfast of eggs, 
bacon etc. 

Immediately following breakfast Mrs Jones invites Joe upstairs by 
explaining she has something to show him. 

Joe follows Mrs Jones upstairs and indulges in the GREATEST sex 
of his life. As Joe is getting ready to leave, Mrs Jones hands 
him $5.00 

By this point, Joe is compeltely puzzled and just has to ask why? 


Mrs Jones explains: 

I was talking to my husband last night about what to give you for 
christmas, My husband said "fuck him, give him $5.00" Breakfast 
was my idea. 

The Midas Touch

When Mr Midas was dying, he devised a plan to take some of his 
fortune with him. He called the three people he trusted the most 
- his priest, his doctor, and his personal attorney. He gave them 
each an envelope with $1 million in cash, and asked them to place 
the money in his coffin so that he could take it with him. All 
three agreed to do so. 

At the funeral, each in turn approached the coffin, and placed 
their envelope inside. On leaving the cemetery, the priest told 
the others, "I must confess to you both that I only placed 
$700,000 in the coffin. My church is in desperate need of 
repairs, so I took the rest of the money to accomplish this
worthy project." The doctor then said, "I must also confess; I 
took $500,000 to purchase new medical equipment, which my 
hospital badly needs to save people's lives. I am sure that Mr 
Midas would have approved, if he had really thought about it". 

The attorney looked at them both sternly, and said, "You both 
should be ashamed of yourselves. I followed Mr Midas' 
instructions to the letter. When I put the envelope into the 
coffin, it contained my personal cheque for the full $1 million."